Knowing marriage is over

[thelab]

Hello,

I’m married with 2 DC. Home in joint mortgage and I work FT. I’ve only recently changed jobs and took a bit of a pay cut; this was to study so I’ll eventually have much better earning middle of next year. I’m 31.

I’ve been feeling ‘stuck’ in marriage for a while now. DH just completely messy to the extremes and not wanting to take on the mental load of much, to keep it very brief!
We’d do nothing outside of parenting but if his friends popped up, he’d be so excited and making all the effort. If he couldn’t go, he’d mope about and speak of how he doesn’t want to let that part of his life go (socialising) and blame me for it. They can’t do anything together that doesn’t involve getting drunk.
Nights are spent with him falling asleep on the sofa snoring.

Anyway, DH got invited to a stag do which he’s currently on, he went yesterday and until Monday evening. He first told me about it in passing at a concert of my favourite band, knowing I’d be distracted, then slyly just booked himself onto it, without even a discussion about it. He then said he wasn’t going, as a previous stag do he went on, late last year, made him miss the children too much.

I repeatedly told him I wasn’t happy about the way he went about this, not ‘permission’, just the lack of courtesy to discuss it. I also told him I wasn’t happy as we haven’t even got a family holiday booked this year, yet he’s been to the stag last year, this one and is going on a weekend away for his dad’s birthday next month. He started changing from not going, to going, saying he felt emotionally manipulated by me telling him the children had been upset on the previous one. He assured me he’d make sure we had a family holiday booked before he went however.

Obviously, that didn’t happen and I have no idea how much he’s taken money wise. Before he left, he didn’t even send a message to say he was getting on the plane/that he loves us as he usually would and all I got when he arrived was literally ‘I’ve arrived’. He messaged about 11:30am their time today, again, very brief with ‘Yous alright?’ This is unlike even him.

He’s been online on WhatsApp a lot tonight yet not bothered to message. I don’t expect constant conversation flow but I think it just highlights where we are on the priorities. I’m feeling a mix of anxiety and anger and I’m just so fed up of what has become my life. This feels like the end in my head, like a tipping point almost.

Sorry, I just wanted to let it out somewhere 😞

@thelab I’m so sorry to hear this but, given his previous conduct, not surprised. You deserve so much better.

I don’t want to speak to him tonight (he’s messaged me that about resentment over his awful treatment, making him do it) from my son’s room, but will speak to him tomorrow to say he needs to go on a permanent basis.

Oh, @thelab, how dispiriting. He just keeps showing you how unbothered he is about you, doesn't he? You're worth a few words if they will stop you interfering with his 'me time', but no action. He did a nice bit of victim-blaming there, too, building up to the full DARVO where you're characterised as his persecutor (for wanting your partner to give a shit!)

I'm sorry. It's a horrible feeling. Still better than wondering why you feel wracked with loneliness in a relationship, but cold truth is unpleasant.

I'm pleased you did take the time to re-evaluate, and hope you're able to surround yourself with support as you get out of this mess and plan for freedom.

Please find your anger and dump this selfish excuse for a man

That’s what it is. You just want to be certain you’re making the right decision, as weak as that might sound to some who’d be much more able to just get rid straight away. I wish I could be more like that!

It’s an awful feeling to think about the hurt caused and how, even after that, it takes a week to just go back on all of that because apparently a cup final football win is far too important. I absolutely need to channel my anger into reclaiming my life.

As awful as I’m sure this week has been, he’s really done you a favour here. You can walk away knowing you were prepared to work at it but that actually when it came down to it he had no capacity for change and could only offer you the bare minimum, with that being conditional on you taking responsibility for his actions. What a joke of a man he is. Good riddance to bad rubbish.

Yes - he’s going all out now, telling me the children aren’t my priority yet they are for him, because I’ve been working a lot more. He’s started questioning me, asking when I’ve done pick ups or drop offs and I hadn’t been the perfect wife and if we’d have had a good relationship before he went, he wouldn’t have been so swayed. Honestly, disgusting.

@thelab take courage, you and your children are worth far more than this. He shows no real caring for you and is an appalling role model for your children. Do make sure you get all your legal ‘ducks in a row’ and ensure he contributes what he should. 🫂

@thelab just seen your reply typed whilst I typed mine. He is an utterly immature gaslighting, narcissistic man child! Unreasonable behaviour at the very least springs to mind!

Hmm were his children his priority when he swanned off on a stag weekend to do the dirty on their other parent leaving said parent to it ?!? Sad little man he’s gaslighting you now I’m sorry he’s behaving this way you deserve more 💜

Do you think he could possibly still be in touch with the woman he met whilst away? As it sounds like he’s gaslighting and deflecting onto you again

TBH the fact they're all so readily laughing about it would be making me think it's not the first time.
A group of taken blokes joking about any 'sorts' on the plane is vile.

Agree. I so agree. He will be on the outer with the guys too, so he wants you to accept what he says and gloss over it. Otherwise their nifty 'time outs' might come to a screeching halt for all of them.

You needed to give your marriage one last chance to make sure you never look back with regret. You now have this comfort but I’m so sorry you continue to go through his nasty, abusive spats. Don’t say anything to him tonight, he’s very drunk and sounds like he may become violent. Just stay safe and calm, the posters on this thread will carry you forward the next few hours.

He’s berating me for putting a dampener on his ‘fantastic’ day and I can’t just see him happy. He might as well get his violin out.

record any calls. I am so sorry you are having to deal with this. Sending hugs. This happened to me and i wish i'd recorded calls and got a list of bank accounts and assets sooner. with love.

😡😡😡

He won’t be quiet and go away, just continually having a rant about how much he’s done for the children and I haven’t because I’ve been at work more recently.

Sorry to see things have got so bad. You know where all the legal papers are but can you find his bank account as he seems to be spending a lot of money on himself? Have you an appointment with a solicitor? Better to get it sorted so you know where you and DC stand and can act clearly for the future one way or another. How long have you been together and how old are the DC?

Like him going away and getting off with a random? Only last week?

What does he want? A medal? Because he should have spent this weekend proving to you he's not an arsehole.

But as he has actually demonstrated how much of an arsehole he really is, I'd be talking to a family lawyer tomorrow.

If he is seriously harrassing you and not giving you space or you feel under threat, do not hesitate to call 999. They actually treat mental abusive the same as physical abuse. The fact that he’s drunk is also a driver to call them if you need to. I take it you have work tomorrow and his constant harassment is the last thing you need! Stay safe. He really is a piece of shit!

I see, it’s all your fault he had to cheat and call you those awful names. Oh op the sooner he’s gone the better!

@thelab

If he's still in the house and texting you from DS's room, just block him. If he's in your face is there somewhere you can get away from him? If you go into a DC's room will he follow you there? Are there any rooms with lockable doors?

And yes, call the police if he won't leave you alone.

Hope you managed to get some sleep....and that he soon shut up and stopped his crazy ranting.

Please don't let him get to you with his ravings. Believe me, if you'd been an SAHM/not going out to work, he would have found fault with that (rather than work). He will just use anything at this moment in time to divert attention from HIS attitude and shitty actions. It isn't you at all, it's him.

XH had a go at me for always being at work (when we split/I was filing for divorce). Readers, I was the bloody Breadwinner, and was working FT to support the family! Apparently, I wasn't supportive enough of him/his issues, and if I had been, then xyz wouldn't have happened, he wouldn't have needed to drink (to the point of becoming an alcoholic) and he wouldn't have fucked off with OW blah blah blah. In short - according to him - I was a shit wife...and a nag...and someone who didn't support him or understand him. According to me: I was working FT as breadwinner, juggling the parenting of 2DC (plus having to fork out and sort childcare for them as he was so fucking unreliable), trying to keep on top of all the housework, cooking and so on (he didn't do this, or he rarely did this). Goes without saying, I was faithful, supported him, tried to help him as best I could. I had sorted huge amounts of private therapy/counselling and rehab (for alcohol issues) for him...he didn't stick to it....but I was the shit wife. Hey ho, never mind. So don't let it get to you. When him and OW split, it was a different story, and weirdly enough, after that I was the best thing since sliced bread. DARVO...a tale as old as time that happens to loads of us. Just recognise what it is/what he's doing, and get the support you need to get through it. YANBU, he is. x

@thelab are you ok?

All I can tell you OP is one day you'll be so fucking glad all this happened because it galvanised you to get far away from the absolute waste of skin.

You sound so lovely and you're stronger than you realise.
An amazing life awaits you ❤️