Knowing marriage is over

[thelab]

Hello,

I’m married with 2 DC. Home in joint mortgage and I work FT. I’ve only recently changed jobs and took a bit of a pay cut; this was to study so I’ll eventually have much better earning middle of next year. I’m 31.

I’ve been feeling ‘stuck’ in marriage for a while now. DH just completely messy to the extremes and not wanting to take on the mental load of much, to keep it very brief!
We’d do nothing outside of parenting but if his friends popped up, he’d be so excited and making all the effort. If he couldn’t go, he’d mope about and speak of how he doesn’t want to let that part of his life go (socialising) and blame me for it. They can’t do anything together that doesn’t involve getting drunk.
Nights are spent with him falling asleep on the sofa snoring.

Anyway, DH got invited to a stag do which he’s currently on, he went yesterday and until Monday evening. He first told me about it in passing at a concert of my favourite band, knowing I’d be distracted, then slyly just booked himself onto it, without even a discussion about it. He then said he wasn’t going, as a previous stag do he went on, late last year, made him miss the children too much.

I repeatedly told him I wasn’t happy about the way he went about this, not ‘permission’, just the lack of courtesy to discuss it. I also told him I wasn’t happy as we haven’t even got a family holiday booked this year, yet he’s been to the stag last year, this one and is going on a weekend away for his dad’s birthday next month. He started changing from not going, to going, saying he felt emotionally manipulated by me telling him the children had been upset on the previous one. He assured me he’d make sure we had a family holiday booked before he went however.

Obviously, that didn’t happen and I have no idea how much he’s taken money wise. Before he left, he didn’t even send a message to say he was getting on the plane/that he loves us as he usually would and all I got when he arrived was literally ‘I’ve arrived’. He messaged about 11:30am their time today, again, very brief with ‘Yous alright?’ This is unlike even him.

He’s been online on WhatsApp a lot tonight yet not bothered to message. I don’t expect constant conversation flow but I think it just highlights where we are on the priorities. I’m feeling a mix of anxiety and anger and I’m just so fed up of what has become my life. This feels like the end in my head, like a tipping point almost.

Sorry, I just wanted to let it out somewhere 😞

The more you tell us about him the more horrible he sounds.., borderline if not abusive.

OP, he sounds like my XH. I remember my XH behaving in a similar way, and saying that I too could go out whenever I wanted and he'd not have a problem with it. That was all very lovely, except:

-he was hiding alcohol (which I mostly knew about and was trying to help him sort: thousands spent on rehab, therapy etc but he kept hiding the drinking) and drug (which I didn't know about as he hid it so damned well) addiction...and was wholly unreliable (seemingly ok and then would fuck off and go AWOL etc, often whilst I was asleep before a shift, or whilst I was at work and would have to bail and grab the kids).
-I was the breadwinner, working FT hours (and more) to keep us all going. He was meant to be the SAHP.
-I was dealing with all life admin, housework and parenting of two young DC.
-I was bloody tired all the damned time because of the above.
-I was keeping any offers of childcare for when I needed to work (because he had fucked off and I was left high and dry)....not for me to socialise.

He sounds vile. I remember the nasty abusive outbursts too. There's something hideous about your supposed loving spouse calling you every name under the sun, isn't it? And the "all I want is to be able to do what I want, when I want and with whom I want". It's disgusting behaviour. Take the chance to get paperwork sorted quietly, get a bit of R+R for yourself today and - on the quiet - look up some solicitors. Get the groundwork started, check out logistics for things (working, childcare etc*) and get some advice. At least you'll have a better idea of things, whether you choose to stay or finish things. Wishing you lots of luck and strength x

*NB I didn't factor in XH at all with childcare as I just couldn't trust him not to leave me in the shit with it (he'd done it enough before over the years). His use of alcohol and drugs also escalated so it wasn't appropriate for him to have the DC unsupervised. I fixed my hours to work around school/wraparound childcare times and did this until my youngest started secondary. It meant that he could never put me/the DC in the shit again.

@LurkyMcLurkinson Thank you. Funnily enough I used to be like a support/probation type worker in the DA field so I’ve seen that a lot, yet it’s so easy to see everything aside from your own house. I need to read it with fresh eyes for my situation.

I don’t deal with a lot of the financial things which needs to change. When we started getting more serious, he set himself up as that being the job he wanted to take on. He wanted to be the person setting up new accounts as he said he’d make sure we got the best deals etc. If I asked him about bills/accounts etc, instead of just telling me, he’d say along the lines of, well you can access it.

He used to refuse to pay for much for our eldest when we only had him. He’d say I got the child benefit so anything he needed should be bought from that. I’ve only recently got him to change his stance on that.

We’ve only had a joint account for the last couple of years as he was resistant for a long time. He thinks him spending money on this stag do is fine because he’s taking it out of ‘his’ disposable income and not the joint account the bills come out of. Obviously I’ve taken a pay cut which will be evident from next month, so I’d be needing him to account for more.

@thelab massive squishes.

I know this is something for another day - but as an adult who also struggled to build relationships outside the home after a relationship breakdown I really recommend volunteering or hobby/interest groups. I’ve done watercolour (and I’m not at all artistic!) classes and jewellery making, volunteered at local drama society’s (even just helping on a bar or making brews/ushers etc), community centres etc. anything to try something new or different and meet new circles of friends.

My thoughts exactly!

I actually felt calm and in control, albeit a bit happy, until this. The house is tidy, everything has its place and I’m not running about, stressed about mess, which is me usually, then I get told I’m a nag.

This, OP. This could be your new, everyday life. Get out of the prison he’s put you in.

That’s an awful way to behave when you were struggling with pregnancy. And expecting you to pay for everything for his child is financial abuse. Child benefit, though helpful, isn’t enough.

Whatever happens with your relationship, it’s important to build your own life outside of the family, even if it’s meeting a friend for coffee every couple of weeks etc. It sounds like you’re depending on him too much for your social life.

When he gets back, I’d sit back and listen to what he has to say. He should unreservedly apologise for his abusive behaviour. He should show some empathy for you. I wouldn’t respond at all. Just listen.

Take time to mull over what he’s said for a few days to figure out how you feel and what you need. Then, have another chat where you tell him how it feels from your perspective and what your boundaries are. Where he just listens. His abusive behaviour (shouting, name-calling, wall punching) must obvs stop immediately. He’s in control of that and must get help if he’s struggling.

If he hasn’t betrayed your trust, it sounds like your marriage might be saveable if that’s what you want. But you need an overhaul. More open communication and regular chats about managing finances and making plans, so you work as a team on family and household stuff. Then, you each have a social life outside the family, as long as it’s respectful to the other. But maybe you feel you’re too incompatible and no compromise can be found, e.g. with levels of tidiness, organisation etc.

Perhaps some individual counselling sessions would help. So you can say out loud to an impartial person how you feel. Some schools (for parents) and some workplaces offer it free.

Thank you TicTac and TheCatterall. Hearing your experiences gives me some shred of hope that I might be okay.

I used to have my own home before DH I’m used to paying bills, managing a home etc. I moved out at 20 so I’ve known it a huge amount. DH lived at home all of his life until he moved in with me. I just feel I’m so out of practice at all the bills etc, that I feel I can’t see the wood for the trees.

I’ve got FIL just watching the children so I can just sit and think. I don’t have the energy or capacity to take on much with them today, which makes me feel even more of a failure. Hopefully if the weather gets out can get them out to a park. Currently a very dim, thick fog which is fitting!

If he gets an invite, he won’t just come out and say he’s been invited to x event or x night out. He might never mention it, then months later say he’s so upset and sick of life because he doesn’t go out.

This is also an example of teenage sulky behaviour. Him saying you nag. He never gets to do anything. Him not getting his work done at work. He is full of teenage resentment.

Does he lie at work or to his friends?

So you need to focus on you. What did you enjoy doing? What do you enjoy doing?

This is totally normal for a cowardly man who's been caught with his pants down. Classic guilty response.

He's a piece of shit. Get angry.

You do talk rubbish!
You’re a mug if you allow your partner to swan off on hols with friends without even a discussion, leaving you home with two children . .
Surely you can’t be sooo stupid!

From your updates OP he appears emotionally abusive, it’s hard to see ourselves sometimes. Leave him, don’t worry financially you will manage, there’s always a way and you might be surprised what you’re entitled too, it’s only another year until you can earn more x

I get in from work, usually to chaos. I’ve always worked in stressful and emotionally difficult jobs and my new one has started spectacularly with a massive case which is very challenging and I was first on scene so to speak, to something awful which has been on my mind a lot and I’m having to deal with it.

So, it is difficult when you get home and he’s got clothes strewn everywhere, things on the floor, rubbish strewn everywhere that he hasn’t picked up or put away, on top of all the mess children typically make. FIL looks after them in our home as he only lives around the corner and he has 2 dogs we wouldn’t trust around them so there’s all of their toys to tidy up too.

I’ve been working slightly later of late to get things done for the above case. I do the weekly meal plan and shopping list but if I don’t, it won’t get done. Last week, I genuinely hadn’t had time to do it but he wouldn’t step in and help so we were scrabbling round all week to pull meals together. I usually struggle to find time to iron when I get busy, but instead, he’d rather not help and then watch me get stressed by the build up of ‘my’ jobs. If I do verbalise feeling stressed, he’ll just call me a nag or say I don’t have anything positive to say/tell me to be quiet in round about words.

I think the title if your thread says it all.
He has blanked your messages, called you names, hasn't asked about his kids,
Simply Doesn't Care.
He is having a ball.
He's a rubbish partner & you are the one suffering.

Ok I'm posting with 2 things here

Firstly my husband is in Benidorm (Fri to Mon) stag do - flew from Manchester but from north east (incase same one as I know someone has come along as a later addition).

Secondly my ex met affair partner on plane (on holiday with friends), took me 9 months of him saying I was crazy paranoid.

He swore at me for first time ever, I confronted him (found a bizarre text) and he did the same as your husband. He left and I divorced him, still took another 4 months to get more proof she existed, he still to this day says she was a friend, but when he dumped her she contacted me and the whole story came out (with didn't love me, no sex, lies,lies,lies)

Get out now, don't look back, he will change like you wouldn't believe into a monster, you will look back one day and be grateful you are free of this awful man.

Fuck that
How miserable to live like this

Why are men like this!!
Sack him off and live a peaceful life with your children

Relationships aren't worth it if men want to treat you / abuse you / manipulate you like this

Life is short.

@BeckhamsBalls They flew from Newcastle but are flying back into Teesside I think.

Thank you for sharing your experience with me. It means so much to know other people have been there and know how it feels yet have come out of it stronger.

Ah ok. It is Teesside we are from.

I read it all about his behaviour and it was like reading my story, he will make you feel you are going crazy. You aren't.

Stay strong and don't take his crap! You be in charge!

It’s so much easier to see things when it’s not your life, and without the influence of other people over a significant period of time. Now is a great time though to start reflecting on your relationship and asking questions which you’re clearly doing.

I am not quick to say LTB on this place but this really does not sound like a happy and functional partnership. Your life could be much better without him.
Get an initial meeting with a solicitor and work out your options and likely outcomes. Knowledge is power. Good luck to you

He doesn't sound like a nice person but honestly from your posts it sounds like you're unhinged or work for the FBI.

You must be high levels of paranoid to identify that he had a new girl's contact saved in his iPad, either that or only has 5 people saved in there or something. I can't imagine going through all my partner's devices to that level, let alone be checking so often I'm able to identify new contacts.

Your behaviour is very unhealthy, no wonder he feels annoyed and trapped with you. If I was him, the first thing I'd do is change my passwords just to be able to breathe, a normal sense of privacy, and not have every action questioned, but you'd probably see that as an affair too.

What an absolute shitbag he is. Start making plans.

💯 Don't involve the father too much. Its his son and blood is thicker than water. Be careful how much you tell his father.

At work he will be very vague. We’re both studying as part of our jobs. He’s doing a degree level course and I’m doing a couple of levels lower as a starting point, but could progress later. I’m starting an additional, less demanding course at the end of this month.

Once I’ve done that, it gives me something to put towards consideration for more pay rises.
We get given a day a week to do our coursework but he will leave everything to just before the deadline, then panic he has say 6 assignments to write. If his tutor or our manager ask, he’ll say he’s ‘nearly’ done or has ‘some’ left, they have to really drill down to work out what he means.

I know he was given a polite bum kick last week as he’s had lots of cases build up yet hasn’t done anything with them. He refuses to ask FIL to collect DS from school, even though he could, as he likes doing it and says he feels it’s helped their relationship (DS wouldn’t entertain DH for most of his life, he’s always wanted me). So, he won’t take a ‘lunch’ to leave work to do the pick up, then complains I haven’t done it. I’ll say he either needs to ask FIL or we look at after school club etc as work can’t be happy with him doing this. He insists it’s fine and flexi is just that, to use how you need to, but when I disagreed, he told me I shouldn’t have a flexi job as I’m too rigid.

My ‘higher’ manager spoke with me on Friday and asked me about doing an additional extra course later in the year and has sent me their grading structure. She told me they couldn’t give me a grade higher at interview as one of the standards to get the higher grade was to be enrolled on the qualification, which I wasn’t before the job. She thinks my past skills and experience would qualify me to apply for a re-grade now and is encouraging me to go for it, which I suppose is good she has faith in me and extra money might be needed now. I haven’t told DH this yet as we haven’t had chance to speak anyway.

I think the name saved in the iPad is irrelevant. I wouldn’t be waiting for her to reply because - at most - they will have exchanged a few texts probably.

The title of the post is that your marriage is over, and that was before you knew about that girl. Your relationship sounded quite similar to how mine was: my exh was always arranging holidays with mates, about 4 a year, and would only tell me at the last minute after it had been booked for months and months. It’s a mindset thing. They think you are there for the kids and they don’t need to arrange any form of childcare, they think the money is their own, they think their time is their own. They don’t work as part of a team, ever.

It’s up to you if you can put up with that. In my case it didn’t change until he got older and the feelings just weren’t there anymore.

When he gets home don’t lead with the girl who is honestly probably irrelevant and will weaken the point you want to make. Focus on what is and what isn’t working in the relationship for you and go from there