Knowing marriage is over

[thelab]

Hello,

I’m married with 2 DC. Home in joint mortgage and I work FT. I’ve only recently changed jobs and took a bit of a pay cut; this was to study so I’ll eventually have much better earning middle of next year. I’m 31.

I’ve been feeling ‘stuck’ in marriage for a while now. DH just completely messy to the extremes and not wanting to take on the mental load of much, to keep it very brief!
We’d do nothing outside of parenting but if his friends popped up, he’d be so excited and making all the effort. If he couldn’t go, he’d mope about and speak of how he doesn’t want to let that part of his life go (socialising) and blame me for it. They can’t do anything together that doesn’t involve getting drunk.
Nights are spent with him falling asleep on the sofa snoring.

Anyway, DH got invited to a stag do which he’s currently on, he went yesterday and until Monday evening. He first told me about it in passing at a concert of my favourite band, knowing I’d be distracted, then slyly just booked himself onto it, without even a discussion about it. He then said he wasn’t going, as a previous stag do he went on, late last year, made him miss the children too much.

I repeatedly told him I wasn’t happy about the way he went about this, not ‘permission’, just the lack of courtesy to discuss it. I also told him I wasn’t happy as we haven’t even got a family holiday booked this year, yet he’s been to the stag last year, this one and is going on a weekend away for his dad’s birthday next month. He started changing from not going, to going, saying he felt emotionally manipulated by me telling him the children had been upset on the previous one. He assured me he’d make sure we had a family holiday booked before he went however.

Obviously, that didn’t happen and I have no idea how much he’s taken money wise. Before he left, he didn’t even send a message to say he was getting on the plane/that he loves us as he usually would and all I got when he arrived was literally ‘I’ve arrived’. He messaged about 11:30am their time today, again, very brief with ‘Yous alright?’ This is unlike even him.

He’s been online on WhatsApp a lot tonight yet not bothered to message. I don’t expect constant conversation flow but I think it just highlights where we are on the priorities. I’m feeling a mix of anxiety and anger and I’m just so fed up of what has become my life. This feels like the end in my head, like a tipping point almost.

Sorry, I just wanted to let it out somewhere 😞

You know enough. He's lying and he's an asshole. You don't need any further justification to get rid of him.

Honestly I feel so unwell, thank you for your supportive comments though.
I can’t sleep.

I don’t know if I should talk to anyone, at risk of sounding like this crazy person he’s trying to make me out to be. I had plans with his dad tomorrow to come out with me and the children.

I’m not surprised you can’t sleep—can you watch Netflix or read a book, or do something to distract yourself?

In your opening post, it sounds like you’re not particularly happy in your relationship. Going on holiday without being upfront about it, along with his behavior on the phone, is outrageous. You have every right to be angry.

But what do you want to happen next?

Even if he hasn’t cheated with this girl, his behavior is highly suspicious and deeply disrespectful to you. Has he got form for this kind of behaviour? Has he cheated before? Does he talk to you like this regularly?

To be honest, he doesn’t sound like a great husband, and no one deserves to be treated the way he’s treating you.

You are not crazy. His behaviour is not the behaviour of an honest and loyal husband - if he'd done nothing wrong why would he need to be defensive? Nothing he was angry with you about makes any rational sense. There's no excuse for talking to anyone - let alone your wife - in that way. He's fucked off on holiday leaving you to parent solo without even having the courtesy to agree with you first he's going. He's not a single man, he has responsibilities- he can only go if you care for the children.
And his story just doesn't add up - he's caught himself out with his lying.
You can do better than this immature, lying, unfaithful prick Op.
What kind of relationship do you have with his dad? I'd be mindful of anything you say to him getting back to your husband - so if you do talk to him, stick to the facts, the things you know to be true (his treatment of you). His loyalty will be to his son.
Samaritans can be very helpful too if you just want to talk.

Thank you so much for taking the time to send such long messages to me at this time. It helps not to feel so alone. My head won’t switch off, I just wish I could talk to someone in ‘real life’ too but I don’t know who.

He’s been to Benidorm a few times a few years ago and that was such a difference. He was ringing me drunk in the early hours and sending me lovely ‘lovey’ messages.

He hasn’t done anything of this sort before, that I’m aware of or would be worried about anyway. He usually just gets like this when he thinks his ‘socialising’ is being threatened or he can’t go out lots of times. He talks to them every day in a WhatsApp group and could meet them for coffees etc in the day, he just chooses not to so much and puts all the onus on drinking being the social life of choice.

I’d raised my unhappiness with things a few weeks ago and he tried a little bit but then said he didn’t immediately get anything back from me so that stops him. He did say he wanted to stay together though. It’s mostly been him like a teenager - the messiness but on a ridiculous scale, even disorganisation at work and struggling to manage life admin or cleaning. The boring evenings also haven’t helped where he just falls asleep.

I’ve never heard him speak to anyone the way he spoke to me tonight. The coldness in his voice and he was shouting so loudly. The repetitive use of the ‘c’ word at me, just prefacing with a new adjective. He kept demanding to know how I knew her name and that I must have been going through all his social media. If someone asked me if I knew someone, I might think it was a bit strange, but I wouldn’t react like that.

I also don’t get the story - apparently his friend has been seeing someone at home, yet also started talking to this new girl, who lives in Wales which is so far from us. He didn’t have his phone so he’s been using DH’s to message her. Even if that was true, it would only be very short term and you wouldn’t save the number, surely? Neither DH or the friend have her on social media (yet) which is usually what you do with someone you want to stay in touch with.

I get on really well with his dad as he’s our only childcare when they’re not at school / nursery. He knows how much of a liability he is in drink and general life from over the years.

It was the huge explosive reaction then followed up with statements like he can’t live like this anymore (which was over a message), almost like he’s trying to end the marriage over a message from a stag do. It doesn’t seem to fit, even if you did suspect someone had looked at your messages (which I didn’t), the aggression was so harsh.

He’s deflecting and trying to move the conversation away from this girl.

Lets say he was telling the truth (but why lie to begin with) and it’s not him messaging this girl, but his friend. He’d have a legitimate grievance of you going through his ipad/social media. But if he was innocent I feel like his reaction wouldn’t have been so extreme and aggressive. He’d have been more like to explain immediately who that girl was and then ask how you knew and point out unfair it was for you to be snooping, especially as you got the wrong end of the stick. Angry of course, but not explosive like you described.

If he isn’t normally that aggressive in his approach my guess is that you’ve terrified him. He thought he was getting away with it but you’ve caught him in the act so he’s lashed out

He sounds very immature, and like he hasn't adjusted well to being a Dad and expects to carry on behaving as he did before his life changed.

Is it possible he has taken drugs, hence the lashing out on the phone?

I do think his behaviour smacks of guilt I'm afraid. I wouldn't contact him again tonight. If you get no proof he's done anything then I think going on the attack probably won't help - In the morning perhaps message him to say that whatever he has or hasn't done, the way he spoke to you was absolutely unacceptable. But you're also worried about him as it's so out of character and you want to talk when he gets home. If he's still aggressive and defensive, or ignores you then unfortunately you have your answer.
Some men just aren't mature enough to be decent husbands and Dads - there's nothing you can do about that. And you deserve so much more.

You’ve highlighted where my thoughts are going. I only found out by seeing his contacts and wondering who it was as I’d never heard her name before.

He started off saying I must have been through his social media, then being evasive and refusing to answer questions, putting it all back on me. He kept saying if he wanted to do something, why would he leave his IPad that I know the code for. I can’t help thinking that he probably thought just having someone’s number wouldn’t flag up as it’s not half as obvious and obviously only he can see his WhatsApp’s right now.

It was the evasiveness about how he didn’t know anyone except a girl from his old tutor group, then after lots of anger and defensiveness (he hung up on me and kept declining my calls back for a while), admitted she was involved.

I sent him a message asking him to agree to a proper talk when he gets home, once the children are sorted. He came online an hour later but ignored me. I don’t believe for a second his friend has lost the use of his phone for the entire trip.

As well as the aggressive shouting and swearing, he started crying too periodically.

Hi OP Just to say calling you the C word should be grounds enough for LTB , I was with my Ex for 17 years & was very volatile relationship, he said/did so many awful things over the years but when he called me a C**T amongst other things during a row within earshot of my kids enough was enough & I finally got the strength to end it , no wife deserves to be called the C word by their husband in that manner! You deserve so much more! P.s I've been called baby reindeer too!!! 🤪🤪🤪🤪

I mean it’s nuclear, but you could text him:

“Your reaction on the phone was extreme, you’re now ignoring me and given your messages, I am assuming that you are trying to end our marriage by text. If you are, there’s no coming back from that.”

“As well as the aggressive shouting and swearing, he started crying too periodically”.

I’d say drugs and guilt - either he’s done something or he’s planning to do something and his story about him getting his number for his mate is utter bollox. Have you been though the rest of his iPad? Is his WhatsApp linked?

I’m so sorry 💜

Oh lovely you need to disengage from him and not give him the reaction he wants from you so he can continue to gaslight you.

Do & say nothing. Just let it all play out itself when he drags his sorry backside home.

Do you have a good poker face?

It’s time to amp up the pressure on this poor excuse of a man!

Let him think you know more than he’s letting on. Tell him firmly that you are going to wait & see how long it takes for him to man up about everything & then just go about your day like you are Mary Poppins!!!!! He will get all twisted not knowing what is in your pretty head.

If his Dad asks just give a summary but say nothing else about IPad, etc etc.

Lets see his Dads view on this sorry mess…..

I'd block him till he's back.

Hi op, it’s the worst feeling thinking someone is cheating/going to cheat. I really hope your ok, did the lady get back to you after you messaged her

Is she saved under her full name like Mary Poppings or just Mary?

I'm just wondering if it's not the same person you think it is he's just pulled that name as its someone he does know in real life with the same name. But I suppose less likely if it's the full name saved in the phone.

He's laid the story out about his friend incase you've seen messages surely? Trying to cover his tracks.

@Dextybooboo She was saved as full name. I (really am sounding like everything bad now) went on Facebook and searched her first name and Benidorm and found a post someone had made in the main ‘group’ for Benidorm, tagging a girl with the same name and saying for her to enjoy and that it was her birthday yesterday.

I only asked him if he knew someone with that first name first. He went into nuclear mode and then gave me a full name of someone he went to school with, which wasn’t the full name on his contacts. That’s when he then finally gave me the friend story.

My message to her has been delivered but no reply or viewed yet

Aah right so it's clear it's not someone he already knew but someone his 'friend' just met on this stag?

Ok, if your husbands friends number is saved on iPad could u not add it to WhatsApp’s nd see when he was last online or maybe call him from a withheld number and see if he answer??

Then maybe tomo keep trying his friends number and see what happens

Yes, I’d never heard her name before. I just got such a strange gut feeling to check his contacts. Yes, secondary story, after realising the ‘someone I knew from school’ story wasn’t working and I must know more, then changed to, friend’s phone wasn’t working so he was using DH’s phone to message her. Doesn’t explain saving a number as DH could’ve just sent it in a WhatsApp to his friend if he didn’t have his phone on him to get her number, old fashioned write it down etc.
DH hasn’t been online since 00:26 so I’m hoping he’s gone to sleep. Probably telling all his friends about me.

@TeaNtoast25 I’m sure his friend has his online status turned off from when he’s shown me bits of their conversation screen before

Call his number see if he answer it if he do then he has his phone

how come his mate hasn’t got his phone anyway did he say why? Has his mate lost it, ask him how long will he be using his phone. Then see if the number gets deleted off it, then call his freind on a withheld number see if it’s switched off because if it’s lost his battery will die and keep calling throughout there holiday