Knowing marriage is over

[thelab]

Hello,

I’m married with 2 DC. Home in joint mortgage and I work FT. I’ve only recently changed jobs and took a bit of a pay cut; this was to study so I’ll eventually have much better earning middle of next year. I’m 31.

I’ve been feeling ‘stuck’ in marriage for a while now. DH just completely messy to the extremes and not wanting to take on the mental load of much, to keep it very brief!
We’d do nothing outside of parenting but if his friends popped up, he’d be so excited and making all the effort. If he couldn’t go, he’d mope about and speak of how he doesn’t want to let that part of his life go (socialising) and blame me for it. They can’t do anything together that doesn’t involve getting drunk.
Nights are spent with him falling asleep on the sofa snoring.

Anyway, DH got invited to a stag do which he’s currently on, he went yesterday and until Monday evening. He first told me about it in passing at a concert of my favourite band, knowing I’d be distracted, then slyly just booked himself onto it, without even a discussion about it. He then said he wasn’t going, as a previous stag do he went on, late last year, made him miss the children too much.

I repeatedly told him I wasn’t happy about the way he went about this, not ‘permission’, just the lack of courtesy to discuss it. I also told him I wasn’t happy as we haven’t even got a family holiday booked this year, yet he’s been to the stag last year, this one and is going on a weekend away for his dad’s birthday next month. He started changing from not going, to going, saying he felt emotionally manipulated by me telling him the children had been upset on the previous one. He assured me he’d make sure we had a family holiday booked before he went however.

Obviously, that didn’t happen and I have no idea how much he’s taken money wise. Before he left, he didn’t even send a message to say he was getting on the plane/that he loves us as he usually would and all I got when he arrived was literally ‘I’ve arrived’. He messaged about 11:30am their time today, again, very brief with ‘Yous alright?’ This is unlike even him.

He’s been online on WhatsApp a lot tonight yet not bothered to message. I don’t expect constant conversation flow but I think it just highlights where we are on the priorities. I’m feeling a mix of anxiety and anger and I’m just so fed up of what has become my life. This feels like the end in my head, like a tipping point almost.

Sorry, I just wanted to let it out somewhere 😞

I really feel for you. I had similar with my ex husband. Do not let him gaslight you. If it was as innocent as he makes out, he wouldn’t have had such an angry response. He’s been caught out and is trying to deflect the blame on you. I wouldn’t contact him anymore and as hard as it is, when you do see him, remain calm. Get your ducks in a row. If this doesn’t work out, you will be ok. It may not seem like it now but you will be. Splitting up is scary but in time, you will find your feet and find YOU again.
You deserve so much more. You deserve someone who adores you, shares the load, wants the best for you. Don’t forget what you have to give and what you are worthy of. Sending you a big hug xx

@BeckhamsBalls Possibly on the same flight home then, small world!

Thank you, I hope I have the strength. I’ve stopped shaking now at least.

@thelab, that awful fog will eventually clear. And you're not a failure. Just take things a day at a time. You seem really switched on and savvy with things, so I'm betting that with time, you will be just fine. If you have a bit of time today, whilst DC are out, see if you can go for a brisk walk just to get some fresh air on you.

When XH flounced, I still stupidly thought that it was a temporary separation and we could work on things (he even said that this is what it was), and I did everything to try working on things for about 2 months...but I'd not factored in an OW. Luckily finding that out (they moved in together) helped the fog etc clear very quickly and I immediately filed for divorce. Was I upset? Yes of course, no one goes into a marriage not expecting it to last a lifetime, and I was broken that he didn't fight for "us" like I'd fought. With hindsight though, I should have ended things years before. I think though that staying as long as I did, and trying as hard as I did, makes me fully realise that I really had done everything in my power to try and sort things..and that's a sort of comfort too. In a weird way.

Every family is different. What works for one might not for another. I'm glad things ended (despite the sadness at how it all turned out). My DC had a marked improvement in school grades, behaviour etc once XH left. My house was more orderly and tidy. The DC and I were more settled as there was good routine, calmness and peace (and no drama/stress, verbal abuse towards me like there was before) at home. I could properly plan work, childcare, events with the DC etc and not worry about that going up the khyber. I could go to sleep and not worry about whether I'd be scrabbling for childcare in the early hours before my 7am shift started. I could go to work (or to sleep at night!) and not worry about whether the house would be trashed when I woke up/came home because of a drunk/high bloke. I remember 6yrs ago sitting on the garden steps, enjoying a quiet coffee in the bright sunshine and just feeling at peace with things.

The year we split, I made myself promise that every event I was invited to (particularly stuff with the kids), I would say yes to (if I/the DC could make it). And we went to those events and caught up with friends. I have a bunch of mates that are also single parents and we meet for coffee/brunch, and go away camping together (cheap holidays that the DC love). I re-found my love for reading, for movies, cooking, fitness (I have some gym equipment at home) and for music. I am finally taking care of myself (face masks, doing some basic skin care, sorting out peri issues etc). It might sound a bit sad and boring to some people, but it's bloody lovely.

Yes probably, well you just keep your resolve! Do not be a doormat!

Oh and I nearly forgot...do the grey rock thing whilst you sort yourself out (whichever path you take). I stayed very grey rock with XH. It bugged the hell out of him as I didn't mudsling (even when he hurled abuse at me via phone, text and email), but it kept me sane and made him look like a real idiot. The Judge and my lawyer took a very dim view of his shitty behaviour and it was golden to see the Judge wipe the floor with him in Court.

Do you think he might move in with his Dad or is he likely to refuse to go?

OMG my lovely he doesn't shower nooo get rid if him live your life you don't need him

So he's a shit father. He makes you do everything.

Dump him and do everything for YOU, not to subsidise his utter lack of effort at his own life. He's pathetic.

Even without this latest thing with the new female contact he sounds like an absolute dick, he wants to have his cake and eat it. Life changes when you have a family, going out with your friends becomes less of a priority because you have other priorities.

@dapsnotplimsolls His dad has a spare room but he lives with one of his brothers who uses it as an office for when he works from home. I don’t think he’d want to move out.

I’ve heard nothing from him yet. I haven’t sent him any further messages aside from just saying last night could he agree to us having a proper talk when he gets home, without alcohol adding to things and when he’s seen the children and they’re in bed. He didn’t even view it but came back online an hour after I sent it.

The last message he sent was how he can’t live like this, it’s impacting his mental health and he’s fed up. I always try and have open communication with him about how we’re feeling or how can we run life a bit better to minimise some stress. He never initiates anything so if I ask to talk about something, it’s got to me be that sits us down and says, okay, X, otherwise he’d just ignore it.

I feel so awful. For all the useless behaviour etc, he always had such a stance that he’d never do something like this and struggled to find time for his own life, never mind adding to it. I know I don’t know for definite what’s happened, but it just doesn’t look good.

I’ve said a lot how life changes. He will say how all his friends are going, their partners don’t have a problem with it (I did ask him how he could possibly know this as we do meet up occasionally and I hear very differently). Only a couple of his friends have children and they only have 1 plus lots of family support around or one of them only works part time.

When he gets back, I’d sit back and listen to what he has to say. He should unreservedly apologise for his abusive behaviour.

I wouldn’t listen to anything he has to say, I’d be the one doing the talking - and it would be your bags are packed, now GTF. He’s abusive and vile and nothing he says now will change that.

You need to put a plan together. He will probably be contrite (whilst blaming You) & be pleasant for a while (until when ? Saturday !)
I would not tell him about this possible improvement re your job.
I would be looking at what I could buy in your area on your own.
& get copies of all his pension/salary/tax return/mortgage info. remove from house & leave in a safe place, (not a SIL)
Open a new private bank account & squirrel away as much as possible.
Start selling stuff on Vinted & getting cash back at the supermarket.
Grey Rock, do not go the extra mile for him.
When YOU are ready you tell him the marriage has ended. He killed it

I’m not easily shocked or offended, especially given the jobs I’ve done in the past, but the ‘c’ word never sounds nice anyway, without it being prefaced with a word such as ‘lying’ or ‘manipulative’ and being bellowed at you so harshly and angrily.

His last message just before the, can’t live like this, mental health one was, ‘Manipulative little snake. Can’t lie in bed straight’

Sorry but I think you’re fixating on whether he’s had or having an affair of some sort when you should be looking at his overall behaviour and getting him out of your life, not having a “talk”, a talk will just give him the opportunity to manipulate you again. You’re in an abusive relationship, talking won’t solve anything.

@Clarabell77 You’re right. I sent the message about talking last night, before I’d really had chance to speak to anyone here about things. It’s also very hurtful what he’s called me. Once was bad enough but it was about 5/6 times.

Manipulative little snake. Can’t lie in bed straight

This is an absolutely disgusting message.

I see people here saying they've never had cross words with their partner. That's certainly not true for me. We have said things between us in the heat of a row that were not nice.

But to put this in writing is just outrageous. And not very bright.

@Clarabell77 is spot on.

He also bellowed ‘f off’ at me and hung up, which is how it was left. Still I then sent him that message asking to talk, how ridiculous am I really.

Sorry I’m posting on here so much, I’ve come upstairs to sit to try and gather my thoughts.

The one thing you're doing wrong OP is referring to yourself as a failure. In these situations, take it from me, you need to be a cheerleader and coach for yourself and be in your own corner. Look at this situation from the outside as we all are - objectively there's a lot to admire and think positively of about you. You're a great mum, work thinks you're great, you've tried your hardest to make a bad marriage work and you sound overall great. So great yourself like it. No more I'm a failure, only positive talk to yourself from now on. That'll help massively.

That manipulative little snake message btw, just sounds unhinged, like he's gone on a name calling bender and can now not rein himself in. I think he's trying to make the marriage so unbearable for you (because he can't be arsed to be a parent or take on grown up responsibilities) that you'll tell him it's over and in his mind 'you ended the marriage'. Noone else will see it like that (not that it matters).

Posting in here and getting other perspectives on your situation might be helping you to get your thoughts in order and work through this; you don't need to apologise, especially to people who've experienced what you're going through.

MN can be a good resource when it comes to hanging on to your sanity in times of extreme stress - even if you only need to vent.

BTW OP, YANBU and it isn't your fault. Just know that. From your posts, what you've said and your take on things are more than reasonable. He's the one that is unreasonable (and abusive): with the way he handles things like talking through social events, to how he does naff all about the house, to his vile outbursts.

My DB and DSIL have two young DC. They both work FT as well. Parenting is properly shared, as is housework etc. They make time for each other (date nights) and ensure equal time for each to do things individually. They talk things through properly and are respectful towards each other. I definitely didn't have that with XH, and it appears that you don't have that either. Which is crap.

Regardless of the potential other woman in the background I couldn't live like this. He sounds very much like my XH.

Fatherhood really didn't make him grow up. We divorced when DD was 6 after a 15 year relationship. I thought he'd knock the boozy, last man standing at the bar act at some stage. He didn't. He still continued to go out and roll in at 5am.

Never knew where he was or who he was with and got the "controlling nag" speech more than once. He'd go to the opening of an envelope. It was always someone's leaving do/birthday/promotion etc. The amount of times he put me through absolute shit I'm ashamed looking back now that I put up with it.

Then the affairs started and I had enough. He's now 50 and still the same. The song Oldest Swinger in Town was written for him.

Now just me and 15yo DD with a partner of 5 years who I choose not to live with and I've never been happier.

Thank you TicTac. It’s so hard to work FT with children isn’t it, but my life always feels like a harder battle than it needs to be.
He won’t clean or will do a token wipe down of the kitchen. He’d say I’d have to tell him what needs to be cleaned or spend time disputing what needs to be done. He’d never just ‘see’ something and take a spare half an hour to clean around. He will occasionally mop but then leaves the mop, still full of dirty water, with the mop head submerged, in the garden, so it ruins the mop head.

Their life sounds what I’d love to have. I have to research / do everything for the children, down to their clothes when they change sizes or clubs / hobbies it might be good for them to try based on their interests. If I don’t mention it again however, he’d never bring it up again. I found a toddler dance class for DD, messaged them, found all the details and enrolled her. He spent ages complaining about having to take her as it had been my idea.

He can never think of a day out for us as a family either. If he hasn’t thought of something by the time the day comes, he’ll say he can’t think and will just have everyone sat in, bored.

Who cares about the girl or all those machinations. It's irrelevant.

You had children with someone disinterested in you, the marriage and the kids. He wants the freedom of being single. That won't change. Get your ducks in a row and get out.

Don’t apologise, you need support and you’ll get it on here. Too many women put up with this crap from men because they don’t feel strong enough to get out, want to keep the family together (no such worries from the man child), end up blaming themselves. Your life, and your kids’, would be so much nicer without him.