Should I tell my daughter or keep it to myself?

[birdseatworms]

My DD has just booked her wedding which is near to where she lives, about 200 miles from DH and I and the rest of our small family. She has a close relationship with my parents, both of whom are 79 (an old 79) and have suffered quite a few health setbacks this past year. DD and her fiancé weren’t in a huge rush to get married but both said if any of their grandparents got ill they would get married so their GPs could be there. Due to their health issues my mum says they won’t be able to make the trip and she is really hurt that my DD has decided to have the wedding so far away. Most of DD and her fiancé’s friends are near where they live, as are her fiancé’s large family. My mum feels she has chosen the importance of her friends and fiancé’s family over her own. DD is a sensitive soul and would be absolutely devastated to know her grandma feels like this.

I feel guilty knowing this and keeping it from my daughter, but worry if I tell her it will only spoil her joy in planning her big day. Her soon-to-be MIL has already caused irritations.

Should I tell my DD?

PS apologies for the length. Just trying to give a full picture. Please be gentle if this appears as a non-issue - it is causing me a lot of anxiety and I don’t know what to do.

If it's important to your daughter and her fiancé to have her grandparents at their wedding, then you'll need to tell them that the grandparents won't travel. That shouldn't really come as a huge surprise to your daughter, especially if they have been ill lately.

Your daughter and her fiancé will have to decide what's more important to them; that's just part and parcel of planning a wedding. Best to tell them now, rather than when the invitations go out.

I think it sounds like your daughter has made a perfectly legitimate choice of venue.

Can your parents genuinely not travel ?

I would assume your DD doesn't realise her GPs can't travel.

They are holding it in the most sensible location IMO.

Is there really no way they can travel? Could you not drive them?

100% you should tell her. I wouldn’t necessarily say her grandparents are upset but just that they won’t be able to travel that distance.

Should I tell my DD?

Well, she's going to have to find out that they aren't coming. Can't they go and stay over? Can you drive them?

Why can't they take a door to door limo to get up there and to return?

I would tell her. As it seems she has decided to get married sooner so GPs could be there. 200 miles is far though, when my nan was alive, I don’t think she could have traveled that tbh.

I'd mention it, and ask her whether she realises that her grandparents might not be up to travelling that distance. She might have forgotten in all the excitement of planning her wedding that this could be a real issue for them.

It's booked now, so there isn't really an awful lot you can do, otherwise she'll lose money. She's entitled to have her wedding where she wants, is there no way your parents could be a little more flexible just for one day if you help them get there? She shouldn't have to change the venue and lose money for the sake of one person. You and your mum shouldn't tell her that her DGM is upset, this could look like emotional blackmail.

Yes, at least to say to her that it’s very unlikely they would travel that far, and leave it for her to reflect on. I would, however, explore the possibility of them travelling for it, perhaps arriving 1-2 days early so they can rest and settle, and have a comfortable place to go to if they want to leave early. Maybe look at an Airbnb for 4-5 days?

Her soon-to-be MIL has already caused irritations.

Irritations with who?

Are your Mum and Dad really not able to travel? If given a lift with family and put up in a nice hotel? Why can’t they?

If not, then I think you have to tell your Dd asap , in case she wants to change her mind.

But in truth it does make sense to book the wedding for where most of the guests are from.

Your DD probably hasn’t realised her GP don’t feel able to travel that far. 200 miles is a 3-4 hour drive, which should be doable (if someone else is driving / accompanying them on public transport).

So yes I would discuss it with her and the GP and see what can be done to get the GP there. Definitely look into them staying a few days if they feel the travel is too much for a short period of time.

I honestly do not think your daughter should change HER wedding for her grandparents. If they can't be there - that's their choice. Where there's a will there's a way, and if they genuinely can't make it - well that's just life.

I personally think it's bloody selfish of your parents to get huffy about their own granddaughter's wedding and am surprised at some of the responses on here to be honest.

If she changes venue to suit her grandparents and risks upsetting herself and her husband to be , that won't start their marriage off well. This is her future, not theirs !

Let her have her big day the way she wants. You can always have a reception once she gets back.

I'd be having a bloody word with your parents about thinking of what their granddaughters wishes are !!!!

I would tell her.
Why do they feel unable to travel that far though? Because lots of people have chronic illnesses and travel, so your DD might feel it’s unreasonable of them. She can’t be expecting that they are too unwell to travel.

Your mum needs to take that chip off her shoulder!!

it's difficult when you don't live near your family, but the vast majority of people live where you do or in another location where you're having the wedding it makes sense to have it where the vast majority of people are. Your mum is just being chippy about your DD prioritising her in-laws and friends over her. 🙇🏻‍♀️🙇🏻‍♀️

200 miles really isn't that far in a comfortable car and spending the night before and the night of the wedding in a hotel.

What are your plans? Are you going to be staying in a hotel for a couple of nights? Are any other members of your family going to be travelling to the wedding? That could take them if you can't? Are any other others staying at a hotel?

I would speak to your mother and make her see that she is being unreasonable to be being chippy because of where your DD has chosen to have her wedding and see if you can come up with a plan together for her to be able to go where the wedding is being held

I wouldn't say anything to your daughter until you've had this conversation with your mother

I wouldn’t guilt them into changing their plans. It’s their wedding. If they moved it closer to your parents and they are really so frail, would they even be able to attend for more than an hour or two? It’s the youngsters’ time now.

I agree.

Jesus. Your daughter has done nothing wrong. Why wouldn’t she book her own wedding near to where she and all her friends live? Why would your mother expect it to be where your ‘small’ family is from? So selfish.

Tell her Grandma won’t travel, maybe don’t say the bit where your mum comes off as a selfish old trout.

This!

Realistically the grandparents have had their day on stage. It's their granddaughter's day now! The future generations are where you invest! That's the life cycle! You don't guilt trip your daughter into changing one of the biggest events of her entire life to suit a couple of grumpy grandparents that won't be around for her future (but are quite happy to kick up a stink and throw a spanner in the works of a soon to be newly married couples bliss) honesty I'm 😡 at how bloody selfish that is!!!!!

It’s a tough one, because while I agree that most people can travel 200 miles, I know that it would be an ordeal for my Dad (86) nowadays. He’d really want to attend, but getting him there would be tricky-for a start, we’d need a big vehicle to transport his walker and other minor medical equipment to make him comfortable. He’d probably be terrified that something would happen tbh, that he’d have a fall or heart palpitations as he’s not strong now.

Is it similar with your parents, OP? If so, I think that you need to discuss this with your DD and between you, perhaps you can work out the most stress-free way to get them there. As others have said, perhaps an extended stay would be best-go up early so they can recover from the journey and stay a couple of days after the wedding before traveling home.

For goodness sake. Let her get married and enjoy the day she plans. We are well into our eighties and it is a good chance that at least one of our grandsons will marry abroad. We have always been very close to our grandsons and would love to see them get married . However, we won’t manage that but would be really upset if they felt compelled to change plans just for us old codgers. We will send them off with love and just look forward to the video.

But the harsh reality is - they don't come then 🤷

You don't pressurise your children or grandchildren to do what suits you.

We can't save the world !

This.

@Halloumiheaven I agree. What I meant is - does their granddaughter realize that they won’t be coming? It wasn’t clear to me from the OP’s post. I think that the OP needs to make sure that her DD definitely realizes this and is ok with it.

Or, they come up with a plan to get the GP’s up there comfortably.

My Mum couldn’t make it to my wedding due to ill health and although I tried to enjoy my wedding, I was miserable inside.

Thank you for all of the replies. My apologies, I should have said in my OP that DD knew they might not be able to attend before she booked it.

As for those asking if they can't really travel, there are quite a few issues. My dad has the beginning of macular degeneration, just finished treatment for prostate cancer and now has to have surgery on his tongue due to precancer. My mum had a knee replacement last year (and it has been a tough recovery for her), needs the other knee done (but doesn't want to go through another one), has some vision loss and is often dizzy. On top of that, they are both always tired. As I said, they are an old 79.

I would happily drive them as would my sister. I would even get them a limousine as someone suggested. I would get them set up in a comfortable hotel. BUT they have a beloved 11 year-old Boston Terrier who really should see a dog psychiatrist and has never been boarded or been in a crate, so my parents feel they can't stay overnight. On top of that they can be very stubborn and dig their heels in.

I feel like there is a no-win here for somebody.