Page 5 | Should I tell my daughter or keep it to myself?

birdseatworms · 2025-03-07T23:34:18+00:00

My DD has just booked her wedding which is near to where she lives, about 200 miles from DH and I and the rest of our small family. She has a close relationship with my parents, both of whom are 79 (an old 79) and have suffered quite a few health setbacks this past year. DD and her fiancé weren’t in a huge rush to get married but both said if any of their grandparents got ill they would get married so their GPs could be there. Due to their health issues my mum says they won’t be able to make the trip and she is really hurt that my DD has decided to have the wedding so far away. Most of DD and her fiancé’s friends are near where they live, as are her fiancé’s large family. My mum feels she has chosen the importance of her friends and fiancé’s family over her own. DD is a sensitive soul and would be absolutely devastated to know her grandma feels like this. I feel guilty knowing this and keeping it from my daughter, but worry if I tell her it will only spoil her joy in planning her big day. Her soon-to-be MIL has already caused irritations. Should I tell my DD? PS apologies for the length. Just trying to give a full picture. Please be gentle if this appears as a non-issue - it is causing me a lot of anxiety and I don’t know what to do.

TwirlyPineapple · 08/03/2025 06:43

From your posts, it sounds more like they're being stubborn and refusing to come, rather than medically unable to. You need to be blunt with them that it will hurt your daughter's feelings immensely that they are choosing not to come. There are plenty of solutions and they don't want to take them. That's their choice, and if anyone should be feeling guilty it's them not your daughter.

Also, your parents' dog isn't "a quirky little dog". It's an abused dog that has developed mental illness from mistreatment. Shame on everyone who has stood by and let your parents behave that way to a living creature.

Sunisshine · 08/03/2025 06:45

WahWahWahs · 08/03/2025 06:38

I would tell her in a practical way and give her full and reassuring permission to go ahead with it.
There are solutions that would make it possible for your parents to attend, but they don’t want to access them. That’s fine. They are allowed to say that is such a shame, but they won’t be able to attend.
Tell your DD they can stream it live (quite easy to do - I watched a family member get married in a different country like this whilst heavily pregnant my, and allowed myself a little glass of champagne to toast them! The wedding party all turned and waved at the camera for me when the celebrant mentioned those would couldn’t attend and named me. It was lovely!)
DD has obviously thought long and hard about this venue and chosen it for their own reasons.
Don’t approach it wringing your hands with either your DD or your parents. Just a factual ‘these things happen! What a shame but never mind, we all want DD to be happy and you can toast her from your home’ (it might even prompt your parents to make some different decisions!).

Then carrying on enjoying the preparations yourself. It will be a lovely day.

Good advice

FiveGoMadInDorset · 08/03/2025 06:45

Why has no one ever reported your parents for cruelty to animals?

Glitchymn1 · 08/03/2025 06:50

They’re 79, they sound really ill to me. My DM won’t travel either.

I don’t blame them one bit, don’t think you get it whilst your young. Wait until you get there- if you make it.
The GP will enjoy a video and slice of cake after the event- it’s fine.
You’ll all have a lovely day, I’d tell your DD ‘you know your gp won’t be able to make the day don’t you, unwell/old/dog etc’ Get them to send her a card with a nice message and flowers or something on the morning of the wedding.

The dog is another level, hopping from rug to rug and peeing on pads in the house…. Very unusual!

jackstini · 08/03/2025 06:56

You don't need to mention anything about your Mum's moaning to your dd. Just keep supporting her wedding plans, unlike her MIL to be!
Having the wedding near her home (& where majority of guests are also close to) is the most sensible decision

You do need to have a word with your Mum and make it clear that her gd will obviously be hurt if she puts her dog above seeing her gd get married

Yes, it won't be the easiest trip, but all the obstacles can be overcome if they were actually that bothered

On a separate note, your parents need reporting to the RSPCA. Never walking a dog like that is serious abuse 😢

Strangeonthenet · 08/03/2025 06:58

Serennityoption · 08/03/2025 01:49

I’m 70 and I have some health problems. I totally understand the grandparents not wanting to travel. Some of the replies on here indicate a complete lack of understanding concerning what it’s like to be old. Don’t worry though, you’ve got it coming.

Agree. Some of these replies are staggering. I have a GP who is 84 and very young with it, still drives, lives alone in a large house, completely independent. I have a other family member same age but is a very old 84. Hasn't driven for years, in and out of respite care, walks with a frame or is in a wheelchair. There are huge differences in general health at those sort of ages before you add in medical issues.

Flossflower · 08/03/2025 06:58

Your parents do not sound nice. Just tell your daughter they are being a pain.
Of course your daughter should have her wedding near where she lives and her friends are. We would do everything in our power to get to a grandchild’s wedding as my Husband’s Grandfather did many years ago. He couldn’t even walk and went into a home a couple of years later.
Not training a dog and not taking it for a walk is not spoiling a dog. Maybe you should tell your parents this.

NewsdeskJC · 08/03/2025 06:58

It sounds like your parents may well find a reason not to go in any event. None of what you havr said is currently wrong with them is a barrier to them travelling and having a night away. The only problem is the dog. And your daughter shouldn't move the wedding for a dog.
I would however tell your daughter now that granny is saying she won't come. It may be that her grandparents will actually react differently to her.in my experience, aged parents are very happy to make lots of things their middle aged daughters a problem. Very different for grandkids.
Tell your parents to discuss it with their granddaughter. Tell your daughter grandparents want to discuss the wedding.

Gundogday · 08/03/2025 06:59

Don’t mention it. It’s not the grandparents day, But the happy couple.

bigvig · 08/03/2025 06:59

Mummyoflittledragon · 08/03/2025 01:55

Agreed. I have chronic fatigue/ME and have been too ill to travel at times. I have missed out on so much in my life.

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But would you think an entire wedding should be rearranged to cater for your needs?

Sorry OP but your Mum sounds awfully selfish. The dog sounds awful and shouldn't even be a consideration when deciding whether or not to come to your granddaughter's wedding. Don't say anything to your daughter. It's her dsy - let her enjoy it without all this drama.

prelovedusername · 08/03/2025 06:59

Traditionally the bride would get married in her home town (because the bride’s father would be paying) and everyone would travel there, so I can understand why your 79 parents might have been expecting that. But it makes absolute sense to marry where the majority of friends and family live.

Your parents are obviously very anxious about travelling but this could be managed if someone is prepared to chuck money at it. They need a hotel stay before and after the wedding and door to door transport. They will also need a willing chaperone for the entire time away.

The biggest problem seems to be the dog, but if they put the dog’s welfare before their DGD’s wedding then they can’t really complain about her priorities. There must be someone who would pop in and give the dog a walk a couple of times a day for a few days.

SanctusInDistress · 08/03/2025 06:59

HappydaysArehere · 08/03/2025 00:58

For goodness sake. Let her get married and enjoy the day she plans. We are well into our eighties and it is a good chance that at least one of our grandsons will marry abroad. We have always been very close to our grandsons and would love to see them get married . However, we won’t manage that but would be really upset if they felt compelled to change plans just for us old codgers. We will send them off with love and just look forward to the video.

Thank you. At last somebody who puts things in perspective. The poor bride is in a lose-lose situation whatever she does.

WonderingWanda · 08/03/2025 07:00

What about renting a dog friendly airbnb near to the venue so they can bring the dog?

Twiglets1 · 08/03/2025 07:01

prelovedusername · 08/03/2025 06:59

Traditionally the bride would get married in her home town (because the bride’s father would be paying) and everyone would travel there, so I can understand why your 79 parents might have been expecting that. But it makes absolute sense to marry where the majority of friends and family live.

Your parents are obviously very anxious about travelling but this could be managed if someone is prepared to chuck money at it. They need a hotel stay before and after the wedding and door to door transport. They will also need a willing chaperone for the entire time away.

The biggest problem seems to be the dog, but if they put the dog’s welfare before their DGD’s wedding then they can’t really complain about her priorities. There must be someone who would pop in and give the dog a walk a couple of times a day for a few days.

You missed the bit about the dog never having been taken for a walk in it's life, poor creature.

saraclara · 08/03/2025 07:02

PrincessofWells · 08/03/2025 00:05

Why can't they take a door to door limo to get up there and to return?

You're kidding, right? I'm guessing that you're one of the Mumsnetters who lives in a nice wealthy bubble. 400 miles in a limo? Plus a hotel?

Autumn38 · 08/03/2025 07:04

birdseatworms · 08/03/2025 01:09

Thank you for all of the replies. My apologies, I should have said in my OP that DD knew they might not be able to attend before she booked it.

As for those asking if they can't really travel, there are quite a few issues. My dad has the beginning of macular degeneration, just finished treatment for prostate cancer and now has to have surgery on his tongue due to precancer. My mum had a knee replacement last year (and it has been a tough recovery for her), needs the other knee done (but doesn't want to go through another one), has some vision loss and is often dizzy. On top of that, they are both always tired. As I said, they are an old 79.

I would happily drive them as would my sister. I would even get them a limousine as someone suggested. I would get them set up in a comfortable hotel. BUT they have a beloved 11 year-old Boston Terrier who really should see a dog psychiatrist and has never been boarded or been in a crate, so my parents feel they can't stay overnight. On top of that they can be very stubborn and dig their heels in.

I feel like there is a no-win here for somebody.

I actually think your parents are being stubborn and a bit selfish here.

fine if they decide they really can’t come because of a dog (which is clearly the real reason as everything else can be overcome) but to try to lay on a guilt trip over it is nasty.

As a couple, they’ve decided they want to get married near to where they live and their life is. If most of the guests are there too it makes sense.

if your DD knew there was a chance they couldn’t come then she’s made the decision with that in mind and it’s a perfectly reasonable decision.

let her know they’ve said they won’t make it, but DON’T tell her the rest - its emotional manipulation.

Ophy83 · 08/03/2025 07:07

It sounds like the problems are the inflexibility of your parents esp re the dog - would they be able to attend even if your daughter moved the wedding closer?

Given the fatigue issues it sounds like they wouldn't stay late into the evening in any event. Is there any chance a car/limo could collect them, take them to the ceremony and reception and then take them home early evening? Could someone dog sit for that time?

Autumn38 · 08/03/2025 07:07

Glitchymn1 · 08/03/2025 06:50

They’re 79, they sound really ill to me. My DM won’t travel either.

I don’t blame them one bit, don’t think you get it whilst your young. Wait until you get there- if you make it.
The GP will enjoy a video and slice of cake after the event- it’s fine.
You’ll all have a lovely day, I’d tell your DD ‘you know your gp won’t be able to make the day don’t you, unwell/old/dog etc’ Get them to send her a card with a nice message and flowers or something on the morning of the wedding.

The dog is another level, hopping from rug to rug and peeing on pads in the house…. Very unusual!

It’s fine for them not to come. Not ok to try to guilt their granddaughter into having the wedding in a completely different location.

SassK · 08/03/2025 07:10

birdseatworms · 08/03/2025 01:09

Thank you for all of the replies. My apologies, I should have said in my OP that DD knew they might not be able to attend before she booked it.

As for those asking if they can't really travel, there are quite a few issues. My dad has the beginning of macular degeneration, just finished treatment for prostate cancer and now has to have surgery on his tongue due to precancer. My mum had a knee replacement last year (and it has been a tough recovery for her), needs the other knee done (but doesn't want to go through another one), has some vision loss and is often dizzy. On top of that, they are both always tired. As I said, they are an old 79.

I would happily drive them as would my sister. I would even get them a limousine as someone suggested. I would get them set up in a comfortable hotel. BUT they have a beloved 11 year-old Boston Terrier who really should see a dog psychiatrist and has never been boarded or been in a crate, so my parents feel they can't stay overnight. On top of that they can be very stubborn and dig their heels in.

I feel like there is a no-win here for somebody.

79 is old though! Cancer treatment at that age isn't insignificant, nor are their other ailments. I don't think it's fair to judge them on their choices with their dog either - lots of people don't board or crate their dog. I think you're being a bit sore on them.

Your daughter's future MIL is a traditionalist. Maybe your parents are too (with more cause, given they're a good bit older) and they're privately thinking the wedding should be (as is/was tradition) in the bride's hometown.

Autumn38 · 08/03/2025 07:13

Serennityoption · 08/03/2025 01:49

I’m 70 and I have some health problems. I totally understand the grandparents not wanting to travel. Some of the replies on here indicate a complete lack of understanding concerning what it’s like to be old. Don’t worry though, you’ve got it coming.

But you’d not expect your grandchild to relocate their entire wedding from the venue they’ve chosen to somewhere else, purely for you, right??

It’s fine to decline the invitation (sounds like the bride is half expecting that anyway) but not ok to try to guilt her into changing her plans.

EvangelicalAboutButteredToast · 08/03/2025 07:13

Could we be more clever about this I wonder and get them there via a video link? Technology is so amazing nowadays that they could be part of the celebrations from the comfort of their own home. Is anyone staying local who could help facilitate it their end?

Potentialscroogeincognito · 08/03/2025 07:13

So they are choosing the dog over their grand-daughter’s wedding. Nice. I’m sure she’s rightly going to be devastated. I hope your having strong words when your mother is talking about her “selfishness”.

OldWave · 08/03/2025 07:13

Have the couple visit the grandparents a few days before the wedding. Do a livestream of the wedding, with a special reference to grandparents watching at home. Provide a few decorations maybe and perhaps cake as a surprise for them. Sorted!

Autumn38 · 08/03/2025 07:17

SassK · 08/03/2025 07:10

79 is old though! Cancer treatment at that age isn't insignificant, nor are their other ailments. I don't think it's fair to judge them on their choices with their dog either - lots of people don't board or crate their dog. I think you're being a bit sore on them.

Your daughter's future MIL is a traditionalist. Maybe your parents are too (with more cause, given they're a good bit older) and they're privately thinking the wedding should be (as is/was tradition) in the bride's hometown.

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They aren’t PRIVATELY thinking that though. OP’s mum has been very vocal about how disappointed she is. The wedding isn’t about her though, is it?

My grandad is 89 and can’t walk. My cousin is getting married and he has hired a private carer for the whole day and is travelling from the hotel to the venue in a specially adapted taxi. He decided nothing was going to stop him being there. He probably will go home early as he’ll be shattered but I love his determination and I really hope I remember his example when I get to his age.

Ionut · 08/03/2025 07:21

What would they have done with the dog if the wedding was 2 miles away? Surely they have the same problem???