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Original poster

Should I tell my daughter or keep it to myself?

469 replies

birdseatworms · 07/03/2025 23:34

My DD has just booked her wedding which is near to where she lives, about 200 miles from DH and I and the rest of our small family. She has a close relationship with my parents, both of whom are 79 (an old 79) and have suffered quite a few health setbacks this past year. DD and her fiancé weren’t in a huge rush to get married but both said if any of their grandparents got ill they would get married so their GPs could be there. Due to their health issues my mum says they won’t be able to make the trip and she is really hurt that my DD has decided to have the wedding so far away. Most of DD and her fiancé’s friends are near where they live, as are her fiancé’s large family. My mum feels she has chosen the importance of her friends and fiancé’s family over her own. DD is a sensitive soul and would be absolutely devastated to know her grandma feels like this.

I feel guilty knowing this and keeping it from my daughter, but worry if I tell her it will only spoil her joy in planning her big day. Her soon-to-be MIL has already caused irritations.

Should I tell my DD?

PS apologies for the length. Just trying to give a full picture. Please be gentle if this appears as a non-issue - it is causing me a lot of anxiety and I don’t know what to do.

OP posts:
ThatOtherAustenSister · 08/03/2025 07:21

She has a close relationship with my parents, both of whom are 79 (an old 79) and have suffered quite a few health setbacks this past year.

I don't understand how your daughter doesn't realise the infirmity of her grandparents.

Surely she appreciates they can't travel?

All you have to do is tell her that her grandparents won't be able to come and leave the decision over the venue up to her.

You don't need to tell her what to do, but you do need to explain they can't come.

As for the posters saying they could manage the trip, I assume none of you understand old age!

Sitting in a car for 3 hours or on a train isn't possible for some older people if they have mobility issues, or a whole host of other health issues. I have very elderly parents (in their 90s) and they cannot sit for long or walk up and down a train aisle because of imbalance and the risk of falling over.

Ionut · 08/03/2025 07:22

ThatOtherAustenSister · 08/03/2025 07:21

She has a close relationship with my parents, both of whom are 79 (an old 79) and have suffered quite a few health setbacks this past year.

I don't understand how your daughter doesn't realise the infirmity of her grandparents.

Surely she appreciates they can't travel?

All you have to do is tell her that her grandparents won't be able to come and leave the decision over the venue up to her.

You don't need to tell her what to do, but you do need to explain they can't come.

As for the posters saying they could manage the trip, I assume none of you understand old age!

Sitting in a car for 3 hours or on a train isn't possible for some older people if they have mobility issues, or a whole host of other health issues. I have very elderly parents (in their 90s) and they cannot sit for long or walk up and down a train aisle because of imbalance and the risk of falling over.

But the real reason is the dog

howaboutchocolate · 08/03/2025 07:22

birdseatworms · 08/03/2025 01:09

Thank you for all of the replies. My apologies, I should have said in my OP that DD knew they might not be able to attend before she booked it.

As for those asking if they can't really travel, there are quite a few issues. My dad has the beginning of macular degeneration, just finished treatment for prostate cancer and now has to have surgery on his tongue due to precancer. My mum had a knee replacement last year (and it has been a tough recovery for her), needs the other knee done (but doesn't want to go through another one), has some vision loss and is often dizzy. On top of that, they are both always tired. As I said, they are an old 79.

I would happily drive them as would my sister. I would even get them a limousine as someone suggested. I would get them set up in a comfortable hotel. BUT they have a beloved 11 year-old Boston Terrier who really should see a dog psychiatrist and has never been boarded or been in a crate, so my parents feel they can't stay overnight. On top of that they can be very stubborn and dig their heels in.

I feel like there is a no-win here for somebody.

How far away is the wedding? If it's in a year or more time, there is no guaranteeing the health of the grandparents anyway if they have this much going on. They might not be in a fit state to attend even if it's on their doorstep.

Moving the wedding location to suit them would presumably mean other people then wouldn't be able to make it if all of your daughters other friends and inlaws live near her. It's a bonkers suggestion and you shouldn't entertain it.

Rainallnight · 08/03/2025 07:26

My brother got married 200 miles away from my mum, when she was literally in end of life care with cancer at 71. She was pretty much held together with sellotape and morphine and couldn’t have solid food.

Like your DD, he and his now wife did it earlier than planned because of our mum being sick but she deteriorated faster than expected. (Our dad was already dead)

My uncle drove her down, we had breaks on the way, she went to the wedding, made a speech, left not long after the meal and was happy to be there.

Your parents could do this if they wanted to.

Whattheduck · 08/03/2025 07:27

The dog hasn’t been spoiled it’s been neglected they have had the dog for 11 years and it’s never been for a walk and by the sounds of it has never been outside to do its business if they have rugs and pads around the house totally selfish to have a dog if this is how it’s treated it doesn’t need to see a dog psychiatrist it needs to be looked after like a dog should be.

BrickBiscuit · 08/03/2025 07:27

It's unfortunate your parents are not able to make the journey, but it's their problem. Have you got arrangements in place for someone to look out for them and sort out any mishaps while you are away at the wedding? Make sure they don't stop you attending as well. Don't leave your daughter under a misapprehension, given her earlier wishes for them to be at her wedding. Tell her they can't travel (but don't burden her with anything about them being cross or upset).

SassK · 08/03/2025 07:27

Autumn38 · 08/03/2025 07:17

They aren’t PRIVATELY thinking that though. OP’s mum has been very vocal about how disappointed she is. The wedding isn’t about her though, is it?

My grandad is 89 and can’t walk. My cousin is getting married and he has hired a private carer for the whole day and is travelling from the hotel to the venue in a specially adapted taxi. He decided nothing was going to stop him being there. He probably will go home early as he’ll be shattered but I love his determination and I really hope I remember his example when I get to his age.

Show quote history

You can set an example at any age. My Dad is 80 and is a wheelchair user. He's part of all family functions, and he's never needed to employ people in order to attend them - he's fully supported by his family.

Bluenotgreen · 08/03/2025 07:27

No. I absolutely would not get embroiled in this. Your parents could attend the wedding but don’t wish to.

You have done a good job in raising your DD who has sensible boundaries around their type of behaviour. You should take a leaf out of her book.

As for that poor dog who has never been on a walk…

fruitbrewhaha · 08/03/2025 07:28

The real reason is an abused dog. It’s not a quirky little thing. Why the hell is everyone standing by whilst it’s not looked after. Why aren’t they walking it? Or paying for a dog walker. The poor thing has to pee in the house because your parents are incapable of looking after it properly.

They probably couldn’t attend if it was 50 miles up the road so unless your parents live two streets away from a wedding venue they were never going to come. I wonder if you daughter has the measure of them already.

Organising a wedding hard enough without having to accommodate this madness.

ThatOtherAustenSister · 08/03/2025 07:30

Ionut · 08/03/2025 07:22

But the real reason is the dog

Show quote history

I didn't read 'all' so thanks for pointing that out.

The OP ought out to have said it was the dog in her first post.

Neemie · 08/03/2025 07:36

It sounds like your parents will prioritise the needs of their dog. Your daughter shouldn’t have to feel guilty about that and hopefully she won’t be too upset. Maybe the GP and can watch the wedding via zoom with the dog at their feet and then everyone should be happy.

Twiglets1 · 08/03/2025 07:36

ThatOtherAustenSister · 08/03/2025 07:30

I didn't read 'all' so thanks for pointing that out.

The OP ought out to have said it was the dog in her first post.

Show quote history

I'm not sure the OP is that aware of a lot of issues around the dog.

HoldingThePoisonDown · 08/03/2025 07:36

and thinks everything DD and fiance choose is silly or stupid. It's already caused friction between her and DD.

In which case I’d let it drop. Maybe DD would have a better day without her DGM there criticising her day!

maudmadrigal · 08/03/2025 07:39

I think, in the nicest way, this isn't a problem you can solve and make alright for everyone.
Your daughter is getting married in a place that is convenient to her and many of her guests, in the knowledge that it's a long way from and therefore more difficult for her grandparents.
Your parents would find it difficult to travel there and aren't prepared to explore possibilities that would allow them to. Your mum presumably isn't suggesting that you intercede with your daughter and ask her to move the venue?
I don't really think there's anything else you can or should do. I can really understand you wanting to mediate/mitigate and make it all feel ok to everyone, but I actually don't think you can. Your parents will be disappointed, and that's hard. Your daughter might wish they were there, and that's hard. But, having offered to support your parents to find a way to attend, there isn't much more for you to do, apart from really try not to take on everyone's feelings about it (easy to say!).

aylis · 08/03/2025 07:42

How on earth do people think unwell, elderly people might be ok to travel if you just stick them in a car? It's clearly not about the logistics. Travelling for 200 miles in a car could have an incredibly detrimental impact on people who are already unwell and potentially very fragile. Jesus Christ this place sometimes.

Anyway as long as your daughter is clear they'll not be able to travel then it's her choice. No need to repeat the other stuff to her about how upset they are about her priorities.

Iwishiwasapolarbear · 08/03/2025 07:44

The dog has never been on a walk 😢 that’s so sad

Ihatelittlefriendsusan · 08/03/2025 07:53

The conversation I would be having wouldn't be with DD.

My in-laws behaved in a similar way to your parents over our wedding, including ridiculous demands about their bloody dog.

Ultimately your mum's argument about if she meant enough to your dd could be reversed and if your dd meant enough to them they would make the effort.

Ultimately there are plenty of hotels, Airbnb etc that would take the dog. There are also plenty of weaker and sitting services that I'm sure your dd and her friends could investigate to assist.

Seems like your parents are being mean and stubborn.

I wouldn't say anything to your DD beyond the fact they may not be able to attend.

It is your DDs day, she needs to have the day she wants in the place she wants.

SassK · 08/03/2025 07:53

Iwishiwasapolarbear · 08/03/2025 07:44

The dog has never been on a walk 😢 that’s so sad

It is sad. That said, lots of pensioners don't walk their dogs; lap dogs are popular in that age group. I hope the dog at least has a garden.
I think the fact that none of their family have EVER walked the dog for them, even on the odd occasion, perhaps tells more of a story about the family dynamic than the OP has detailed in her lengthy posts.

Greywhippet · 08/03/2025 07:55

birdseatworms · 08/03/2025 01:09

Thank you for all of the replies. My apologies, I should have said in my OP that DD knew they might not be able to attend before she booked it.

As for those asking if they can't really travel, there are quite a few issues. My dad has the beginning of macular degeneration, just finished treatment for prostate cancer and now has to have surgery on his tongue due to precancer. My mum had a knee replacement last year (and it has been a tough recovery for her), needs the other knee done (but doesn't want to go through another one), has some vision loss and is often dizzy. On top of that, they are both always tired. As I said, they are an old 79.

I would happily drive them as would my sister. I would even get them a limousine as someone suggested. I would get them set up in a comfortable hotel. BUT they have a beloved 11 year-old Boston Terrier who really should see a dog psychiatrist and has never been boarded or been in a crate, so my parents feel they can't stay overnight. On top of that they can be very stubborn and dig their heels in.

I feel like there is a no-win here for somebody.

Well if they’ve chosen the dog over their granddaughter then she’s the one who should be fed up not them!

Miaowzabella · 08/03/2025 07:59

BettyBardMacDonald · 08/03/2025 01:45

Yes. Your daughter has been thoughtless of her elders and made it clear she prefers her friends. Choices have consequences.

She'd be daft not to prioritise her friends and contemporaries over a couple of people who won't be around much longer.

Hdjdb42 · 08/03/2025 08:00

I wouldn't tell her because its already been booked, and would be very expensive to change plans now. It's their day, not anyone else's. If your parents feel too unwell then they stay home, that's their choice. Sounds like they have alot going on, and they're not physically well enough to go out. I've had a bad knee in the past and it was very painful so I can sympathise with your mum. Your poor dad is going through it too, bless them both. Perhaps daughter and son in law can suprise them some time after the wedding, by going to visit them in their wedding outfits, and bring a cream tea?! They could share pictures. They would be over the moon with that.

MassiveOvaryaction · 08/03/2025 08:02

I think in your shoes @birdseatworms I'd encourage dd to visit her grandma and have a chat about the wedding. If grandma doesn't bring up not going/feeling hurt about it directly with your daughter, I'd tell her going forward she's not allowed to whinge to you about it either. There's no need for you to be the bad guy here.

ladymammalade · 08/03/2025 08:04

It's a tricky one, but ultimately your dd shouldn't have to change her entire wedding plans to suit her grandparents dog, which is the main issue here.

If they hadn't got the quirky dog, they'd be able to go with your help.

I've got two suggestions...one is to contact local dog sitters and see if one would look after the dog with all its quirks, in your parent's house. That solves that issue, and you could get an air bnb to stay in overnight that's suitable for you/your parents.

The second is to set up a live stream of the wedding for your parents to watch on an iPad. They'd probably need someone (a neighbour?) to help them get it going their end but it could probably be done.

Greywhippet · 08/03/2025 08:06

MassiveOvaryaction · 08/03/2025 08:02

I think in your shoes @birdseatworms I'd encourage dd to visit her grandma and have a chat about the wedding. If grandma doesn't bring up not going/feeling hurt about it directly with your daughter, I'd tell her going forward she's not allowed to whinge to you about it either. There's no need for you to be the bad guy here.

Why should the DD have to go and sit in a house full of dog piss justifying her decisions ??

MumCanIHaveASnackPlease · 08/03/2025 08:08

Sounds like your parents are a bit drama llama already about their various ailments. It’s unlikely any arrangement your DD made would be to their liking, with the exception of her getting married in their front room.

Dont even start me on their neglected dog, why you haven’t intervened to have that poor animal rehomed is truly beyond me.