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Original poster

Should I tell my daughter or keep it to myself?

469 replies

birdseatworms · 07/03/2025 23:34

My DD has just booked her wedding which is near to where she lives, about 200 miles from DH and I and the rest of our small family. She has a close relationship with my parents, both of whom are 79 (an old 79) and have suffered quite a few health setbacks this past year. DD and her fiancé weren’t in a huge rush to get married but both said if any of their grandparents got ill they would get married so their GPs could be there. Due to their health issues my mum says they won’t be able to make the trip and she is really hurt that my DD has decided to have the wedding so far away. Most of DD and her fiancé’s friends are near where they live, as are her fiancé’s large family. My mum feels she has chosen the importance of her friends and fiancé’s family over her own. DD is a sensitive soul and would be absolutely devastated to know her grandma feels like this.

I feel guilty knowing this and keeping it from my daughter, but worry if I tell her it will only spoil her joy in planning her big day. Her soon-to-be MIL has already caused irritations.

Should I tell my DD?

PS apologies for the length. Just trying to give a full picture. Please be gentle if this appears as a non-issue - it is causing me a lot of anxiety and I don’t know what to do.

OP posts:
woolshop · 08/03/2025 01:12

I find it hard to believe that the grandparents could be that unwell that they couldn’t make a plan to travel to the wedding with your help. Assuming your daughter also doesn’t think they are that unwell they couldn’t make it.
We flew with my 89 year old MIL from Australia to England so she could see our daughter get married.
I sincerely hope your parents aren’t just being selfish. If this is the case tell them to suck it up and not make it about them.

Halloumiheaven · 08/03/2025 01:17

So...'beginning' of macular degeneration eh? You're not asking him to drive !

Dog can't go in a crate for a couple of hours, no?

But granddaughter should rearrange her whole wedding?

and they have the audacity to grumble and groan.

I've worked with a lot of old people believe me. These health concerns are really not anything that would stop a willing person being driven up the road to a wedding.

They're selfish and entitled. 79 is old - but it's not ancient.

Do you usually feel fearful of upsetting your parents ? I wonder whether there's a dynamic here...

woolshop · 08/03/2025 01:17

Sorry Op, just saw your update and can see that their health issues are complex. However the dog issue is a bit weak and you have implied it could be just too much of a bother for them so that’s their choice in the end and your daughter shouldn’t be made to feel bad.
Maybe you could get a live stream set up for them if they decide not to go.

timetogotobed · 08/03/2025 01:18

Her wedding, near her - surely that's the no brainer? It works for her and her partner they shouldn't have to 'work around' other people

Nugg · 08/03/2025 01:19

This is an issue in lots of families these days however with enough notice surely her grandparents could travel up make a few days of it and get over the journey both ways at their stage in life??

That's if they wanted to and not just make it all about them of course ...

BruFord · 08/03/2025 01:19

@Halloumiheaven It’s partly the fear of traveling away from home as well. I’m more sympathetic, because I know how scared my Dad would be to travel more than a few miles.

Op, after your update, I think that they could make it, but it needs planning and a lot of reassurance.

Nugg · 08/03/2025 01:20

birdseatworms · 08/03/2025 01:09

Thank you for all of the replies. My apologies, I should have said in my OP that DD knew they might not be able to attend before she booked it.

As for those asking if they can't really travel, there are quite a few issues. My dad has the beginning of macular degeneration, just finished treatment for prostate cancer and now has to have surgery on his tongue due to precancer. My mum had a knee replacement last year (and it has been a tough recovery for her), needs the other knee done (but doesn't want to go through another one), has some vision loss and is often dizzy. On top of that, they are both always tired. As I said, they are an old 79.

I would happily drive them as would my sister. I would even get them a limousine as someone suggested. I would get them set up in a comfortable hotel. BUT they have a beloved 11 year-old Boston Terrier who really should see a dog psychiatrist and has never been boarded or been in a crate, so my parents feel they can't stay overnight. On top of that they can be very stubborn and dig their heels in.

I feel like there is a no-win here for somebody.

I'm sorry I replied before I saw this. I think there are so many barriers. It would not matter if your daughter was getting married next door to their house..!
Don't feel bad please try and enjoy your daughter special day

RickiRaccoon · 08/03/2025 01:27

This is why wedding planning is a pain. So many family take it as a personal affront whatever the bride and groom choose. We have family all over the county and we got married an hour from older family members' home/ near where they often holidayed but it wasn't the exact spot and accommodation they knew so we heard about their complaints secondhand and they didn't come in the end. The reality was they could have attended if they'd have wanted to accept a ride and go outside their routine but we accepted it was their choice.

The bride and groom are not unreasonable booking where they and many guests live when it's only a few hours' travel from the grandparents. It sounds to me like they could make it work for a weekend if they wanted with help but they're unwilling to make any concessions, even for their granddaughter's wedding. I'd just relay to the bride that they don't feel able to travel so won't come, not that they're upset about it.

Original poster
birdseatworms · 08/03/2025 01:28

"I find it hard to believe that the grandparents could be that unwell that they couldn’t make a plan to travel to the wedding with your help."

Deep, deep down I guess I feel like they could be there if they would just stop seeing obstacles which I feel can be taken care of. I would move heaven and earth to be there for my granddaughter, but I'm 59 (with some aches and pains), not 79 with even more issues so maybe I can't really understand how they physically feel. Believe me when I say, I would do absolutely anything to get them there in comfort and in their own time, put them up somewhere comfortable. But my mum in particular has become stubborn and difficult in her old age and once she decides something she rarely can be persuaded otherwise. I think I may be best letting DM's feelings settle down before I approach her with how we can make this trip happen. I know my sister and nieces will do all they can to help as well.

Then there is still their crazy dog to deal with. I love her to bits but DPs have made a rod for their back with this dog!

OP posts:
Doctor1988 · 08/03/2025 01:29

I personally think your parents are being selfish. It’s your daughter and her fiance‘s wedding day, not theirs.

None of those medical issues sound impossible. Take the dog and stay in a dog friendly hotel, arrange a dog walker for the day if the hotel won’t be close enough for someone to pop back and forward to walk the dog? If the dog can’t ever be left then how would they attend a wedding closer?

Also you haven’t mentioned the age and health status of her partner’s parents, but the wedding was held close to your parents it would require his entire family plus all their friends to travel. Why do your parents’ needs trump everyone elses?

Halloumiheaven · 08/03/2025 01:31

birdseatworms · 08/03/2025 01:28

"I find it hard to believe that the grandparents could be that unwell that they couldn’t make a plan to travel to the wedding with your help."

Deep, deep down I guess I feel like they could be there if they would just stop seeing obstacles which I feel can be taken care of. I would move heaven and earth to be there for my granddaughter, but I'm 59 (with some aches and pains), not 79 with even more issues so maybe I can't really understand how they physically feel. Believe me when I say, I would do absolutely anything to get them there in comfort and in their own time, put them up somewhere comfortable. But my mum in particular has become stubborn and difficult in her old age and once she decides something she rarely can be persuaded otherwise. I think I may be best letting DM's feelings settle down before I approach her with how we can make this trip happen. I know my sister and nieces will do all they can to help as well.

Then there is still their crazy dog to deal with. I love her to bits but DPs have made a rod for their back with this dog!

I hate to say it, but the answer Is simple - they don't come then!!

BruFord · 08/03/2025 01:35

I hear you, @birdseatworms , nowadays my Dad makes a palaver about a day trip to the next town. Somehow in their minds they make a situation insurmountable.

I do think that fear is at the root of it, they’re afraid of something bad happening health-wise and feel safer close to home.

Safxxx · 08/03/2025 01:36

I think you should leave them behind and go enjoy your daughter's wedding....maybe later on they can do something special to celebrate it with your parents.

CaptainFuture · 08/03/2025 01:37

Does the fiance still have grandparents living who'd have tp travel if wedding moved?
They sound very selfish and self involved and can imagine even if everything changed for their demands, they'd either end up still not attending, or.making so many demands they'd wreck things... ie seats at top table/invite for the dog!!

roselilylavender · 08/03/2025 01:38

I think your update changes things. Your DD was aware that your parents may not be able to make it and so will have factored this into the planning. She has still chosen to have the wedding close to where she lives (and it sounds like there are very valid reasons for this). I think the conversation to have with her is not to ask if the wedding can be relocated but to ask if there is a way that the grandparents can be involved.
We ended up having a very small wedding (8 guests) for a number of reasons, once of which was so my grandmother could make it, and then had a party near where we lived a few weeks later. Despite my grandmother being a factor in our planning, it was always touch and go whether she would be well enough on the day to attend. Consequently, as soon as I'd bought my wedding dress, I took it on my next visit to see her (300 miles away) so she could see me wearing it as there was a strong possibility she wouldn't be alive before I got married. I then ended up doing a walk around of pretty much the entire nursing home she was in which was a slightly odd experience! Similarly, the previous year when DD had started school, we'd taken her uniform with us when we went down and DD had put that on to show her great-grandmother. Actually, I'm not sure why me doing a tour of the nursing home came as a surprise to me given DD had had to do the same in her uniform!

Original poster
birdseatworms · 08/03/2025 01:39

Doctor1988 · 08/03/2025 01:29

I personally think your parents are being selfish. It’s your daughter and her fiance‘s wedding day, not theirs.

None of those medical issues sound impossible. Take the dog and stay in a dog friendly hotel, arrange a dog walker for the day if the hotel won’t be close enough for someone to pop back and forward to walk the dog? If the dog can’t ever be left then how would they attend a wedding closer?

Also you haven’t mentioned the age and health status of her partner’s parents, but the wedding was held close to your parents it would require his entire family plus all their friends to travel. Why do your parents’ needs trump everyone elses?

Everything you say makes sense. The dog has been trained to go on a dog pee pad in the house and has never been on a walk. (I know, I know) So if the wedding was closer they could just leave her at home for the day. She's a quirky little dog. My parents moved to a new house and had wood flooring put in through much of it, but the dog wouldn't leave a carpeted room and would stand in the door and cry so DM now has throw rugs thrown everywhere so the dog can hop around to get where she wants. They got her when she was 10 weeks old and has been spoiled rotten (in case you didn't guess) which is normally fine because we all love her, but right now it's not quite as amusing.

OP posts:
DBD1975 · 08/03/2025 01:43

OP I really feel for you, what a very difficult situation. Everyone posting on here saying your daughter is entitled to have the wedding where she wants it are entirely correct and I agree with them.
However everyone saying your parents are being difficult, I don't agree with and I see your issue and totally understand with their age and health conditions a 200 mile journey is out of the questions. I also totally understand and get the situation with the dog.
This is so hard because there is no compromise. It is also sad as your daughter obviously wants her grandparents to attend. I think the sooner you explain the situation the better.
Just the anxiety of the journey for your parents, let alone the logistics, would be exhausting for them.

I know it isn't a great compromise but would there be a way of live streaming the wedding so at least your parents could watch it on the day.
Good luck with this OP, I really feel for you.

BruFord · 08/03/2025 01:44

@birdseatworms Could a dog sitter stay in their house with the dog? My neighbors have a high maintenance dog and find it easiest to get someone to stay. Whereas our dog enjoys going on his holiday to his dog sitter’s. 😂

BettyBardMacDonald · 08/03/2025 01:45

Yes. Your daughter has been thoughtless of her elders and made it clear she prefers her friends. Choices have consequences.

CaptainFuture · 08/03/2025 01:46

The dog has been trained to go on a dog pee pad in the house and has never been on a walk
That is awful. Why on earth did they get a dog not a hamster?!

Original poster
birdseatworms · 08/03/2025 01:48

My priority is that my DD and her fiance have the day they want. MIL-to-be already has lots of opinions and doesn't like anything they want to do. She's still stuck in the 80's style weddings, etiquette, fashions and traditions and thinks everything DD and fiance choose is silly or stupid. It's already caused friction between her and DD. I'm very chill and easy going about it. Some of their choices wouldn't be mine, but it's not my day. If DD asks my opinion and it's something I really don't like, I just tell her it's not my cup of tea and but it's her day. She knows if she needs something though I am there to support her.

OP posts:
Serennityoption · 08/03/2025 01:49

I’m 70 and I have some health problems. I totally understand the grandparents not wanting to travel. Some of the replies on here indicate a complete lack of understanding concerning what it’s like to be old. Don’t worry though, you’ve got it coming.

Mummyoflittledragon · 08/03/2025 01:55

Serennityoption · 08/03/2025 01:49

I’m 70 and I have some health problems. I totally understand the grandparents not wanting to travel. Some of the replies on here indicate a complete lack of understanding concerning what it’s like to be old. Don’t worry though, you’ve got it coming.

Agreed. I have chronic fatigue/ME and have been too ill to travel at times. I have missed out on so much in my life.

IridiumSky · 08/03/2025 01:58

If the wedding venue has a big lawn, rent a helicopter.

SpringIsSpringing25 · 08/03/2025 02:02

BettyBardMacDonald · 08/03/2025 01:45

Yes. Your daughter has been thoughtless of her elders and made it clear she prefers her friends. Choices have consequences.

You really are on a roll with your posts?

What's up?