Should I tell my daughter or keep it to myself?

[birdseatworms]

My DD has just booked her wedding which is near to where she lives, about 200 miles from DH and I and the rest of our small family. She has a close relationship with my parents, both of whom are 79 (an old 79) and have suffered quite a few health setbacks this past year. DD and her fiancé weren’t in a huge rush to get married but both said if any of their grandparents got ill they would get married so their GPs could be there. Due to their health issues my mum says they won’t be able to make the trip and she is really hurt that my DD has decided to have the wedding so far away. Most of DD and her fiancé’s friends are near where they live, as are her fiancé’s large family. My mum feels she has chosen the importance of her friends and fiancé’s family over her own. DD is a sensitive soul and would be absolutely devastated to know her grandma feels like this.

I feel guilty knowing this and keeping it from my daughter, but worry if I tell her it will only spoil her joy in planning her big day. Her soon-to-be MIL has already caused irritations.

Should I tell my DD?

PS apologies for the length. Just trying to give a full picture. Please be gentle if this appears as a non-issue - it is causing me a lot of anxiety and I don’t know what to do.

"The dog has been trained to go on a dog pee pad in the house and has never been on a walk." Your parents very selfishly please themselves. Their poor, poor dog. Rehome the dog.

"My DD has just booked her wedding which is near to where she lives, about 200 miles from DH and I and the rest of our small family." I would definitely NOT call 200 miles near where they live.

I don’t understand why DD said they would go as far to marry sooner to ensure that ageing DGP can attend, yet then went and booked a venue at a long distance from them, knowing they might not attend?

DGP are elderly with health issues, I do agree with them, it shows a lack of consideration and disregard for them being able to comfortably participate in the day. This is actually the case according to your update - your DD booked the venue accepting this means they might not be there.

OP you can tell your DD they feel the distance is too much for them and they are upset about it, but it seems she won’t change her mind. If the friends and in laws are younger and in good health they will travel 200 miles more easily.

It seems DD has lost sight of her true priorities consistent with your OP and is heading off into Bridezilla territory, She will likely be very sad in years to come and regret her decision when they are no longer here and she can’t look back fondly on her wedding memories of them.

I think your daughter should have the wedding she wants, you can never please everyone.
I do understand the grandparents dilemma as someone who is nearly their age. Their health concerns have made them anxious. I'm sure they could manage though and will be glad they did.
I'm nearly 76 and still working. My health isn't perfect but sometimes we have to make a big effort.

I wouldn’t upset or stress your daughter out. I’d gently say your parents are too unwell to travel and leave it at that! I wouldn’t be the go between anymore. There’s far too many obstacles here to navigate X

What?!
The daughter has booked her wedding near where THEY live it says. Not where OP lives.

I understand your point, but the Gp see where they live as 'home'.
Ime older people generally see wherever they live as home and anyone who lives elsewhere is in the wrong for moving away, even though the person that moved away calls home another place..

If the GP wanted to be there they would. Your Mum sounds like she is being very stubborn.

In her first post, the OP said:
She has a close relationship with my parents, both of whom are 79 (an old 79) and have suffered quite a few health setbacks this past year. DD and her fiancé weren’t in a huge rush to get married but both said if any of their grandparents got ill they would get married so their GPs could be there. (my bold and italics)

Dog issues aside, I wonder if the DD has at some point made the GPS aware of this and this is where some of the hurt is coming from? I was extremely close to one of my grandparents in particular and would never have gone out of my way to arrange my wedding in a location that I knew would be difficult for her.
I think the bride and groom absolutely should arrange the wedding as they wish. I can also understand that if the GPS have been told that their dgd would have brought the wedding forward to ensure they could attend if they became unwell, that they would feel hurt that the wedding has been arranged in a location which would be very difficult for them.

@birdseatworms
What state is the wedding being held in & what state do the grandparents live in?

I am very much a believer in the fact that a wedding should be about what the bride and groom want.

It absolutely makes sense that they would hold it in a location that prioritises the majority of people in their social circle.
I personally wouldn't say anything to your DD as she's likely to interpret this as pressure from either you or her grandparents.

This makes a lot of common sense, but DGM shouldn't be saying how hurt she is that DGD is having the wedding that she wants.

OP, as you know, EVERYBODY has an opinion and is willing to have their nose put out of joint when it comes to other people's weddings. Well, not everybody but it can feel like that. If they were to move the wedding to DGM's porch, MIL would kick off and all of the couple's local friends and loved ones would have to travel and pay for hotels, I would imagine that at least some of them would have something to say to the couple about that. There is absolutely no pleasing everybody when it comes to weddings, so B&G might as well suit themselves and have it how and where they want - it's their wedding after all!

From a practical point of view it seems infinitely sensible to hold the wedding where the majority of people will be coming from, and it's really very selfish of DGM to expect B&G to hold it to suit them and not almost everybody else who is invited. I get it, the elderly are inclined to, and even entitled to be selfish, but they don't actually get to dictate that everybody else's world should revolve around them.

I'd make it clear to your DM that you will do whatever it takes to facilitate them attending the wedding and that while you agree with her that there are challenges, none of them are unsurmountable. I'd also have strong words with her that she is NOT to mention her feelings towards DGD.

I'd tell DD that DGP have told you that they won't be up to travelling. Let her lead the conversation from there, but I'd support DD to brainstorm ideas for ways in which DGP could feel included and their importance to DD acknowledged, without moving the wedding. Set them up with a livestream and if they're not great with tech a reliable friend/neighbour/carer who will come and be around for the day to facilitate the tech stuff, would be my suggestion. B&G could even hire them a... I don't know what to call it but say a waiter or butler for the day, dressed smartly who serves them canapes and fizz and generally makes them feel like VIPs for a few hours (as well as can handle the tech if needed). Get them those little flower things to wear (corsages?) (if the wedding party and important people are going to be wearing them) including one for the damn dog.

If Gd knows of her GPs illnesses, attitudes & the poor dog, she perhaps knows that they would be unlikely to attend even a closer ceremony.

My mum, COPD and frail in body but not mind, was not well enough (we knew all along) to travel from Manchester to London to out DS's wedding 10 years ago. It was just a week before the wedding that she admitted herself that she would not cope. We were all relieved. It was amicable.
Let them enjoy the wedding planning and play down that grandparents probably won't be well enough to ve there. Stress that they would be heartbroken but will look forward to seeing the photos /videos after and that they wish the couple well. The grandparents' world will have shrunk and the prospect of the distance and (lovely) events of the wedding day must seem daunting to them.
I know of several families where elderly grandparents haven't attended the wedding of a GC. It also would mean that you are not having to look after them for the day, but know that they are relaxed and safe in their own home.
Enjoy the happy occasion.

If the majority of the guests are near the wedding location, then your daughter and her fiancé have made the sensible choice.
We live in SW Scotland and got married on St Andrew's Day, November 30th. MIL decided she couldn't travel at that time of year... Hubby's daughter was pregnant and decided she couldn't travel either... Hey ho, we resisted their requests to get married down south - which was the real reason behind their refusals - because our life, our friends, my family, everyone that's special to us is up here.
DIL fell out with us shortly after that anyway because her dad wouldn't move back down south permanently - she was short of a babysitter !!!!!
It's obviously a real pity that the GPs feel they wouldn't be able to travel, but is it not possible for someone else to drive them the day before and stay overnight so that they have time to rest? And stay over the night of the wedding too?
Personally speaking, I would have a gentle word with the GPs and ask them to consider the above travel suggestion and to please not mention any of this to your daughter so as not to spoil her big day.
Enjoy the wedding!

Are you going to pay for it? Terrible response.

Take the GP ! Book a nice hotel near the venue and enjoy the wedding .
my Father is 88 . And has health conditions , feet swell up with long travel , gets exhausted quickly needs to sleep in the afternoon to recover on several meds . Needs aid walking . We have a walking stick and a travel wheelchair .
He lives in London and he really wanted to go to my Son’s ( his grandson ) graduation at Glasgow university and we did it we took him by car . And all meds , wheelchair , stick , bp monitor , oxygen monitor all the way to Glasgow , stayed a long weekend in Glasgow And then we travelled the highlands for a week and came back to London . Did everything very slowly at his pace and always held his arm took him to bed when he needed , basically kept his routine .
He loved it . He loved the graduation he cried with happiness and missing my mum . He’s in all the pictures . He loved the highlands . We create memories .

Your parents can go if they want. They can stay in a hotel with you you take them and return them. They are being selfish. Please don't tell your daughter. Try to sort this out between you and them if they chose not to go them that's that. They've made a perfectly good choice to enable most people not to be inconvenienced.

This is lovely but nor really relevant here because it seems the OP's parents aren't interested in making that kind of effort to be able to attend. As daunting as the whole business may seem to them, they should be considering a compromise rather than expecting the majority of the wedding party to travel 200 miles to accommodate their horrific dog situation. It's just not on.

I think I would explain much as their granddaughter would love them to be at the wedding it's just not possible to move the wedding location and expect all the other guests to travel 200 miles. Could they have a video link to the church service and maybe a friend or neighbour make sure they can watch it and feel part of the service? If not, get someone to video the wedding with bride and groom speaking to nan and grandad just as if they are there. They can then watch it as many times as they want to. IF they say no, it's not the same, we don't want to watch it, then sorry, time for them to be told, it's the best that can be done under the circumstances. Maybe bride and groom can visit, bring wedding dress with them and put it on for nan and grandad to see (and watch video together) a few weeks after the wedding.

DD and her fiancé weren’t in a huge rush to get married but both said if any of their grandparents got ill they would get married so their GPs could be there.

I should have said in my OP that DD knew they might not be able to attend before she booked it.

I don't understand how these two things can both be true. They'd bring the wedding forward to ensure GPs could attend, but chose a location that they knew these GPs likely would not/could not attend?

If the wedding was 100 yards up the road they probably wouldn’t go. Offer every help you can to get them to the wedding but don’t let this spoil your daughter’s day.

Op isn't in the UK- limos are the norm, it's a very special occasion. I'm sure if the bride and groom are spending 20k on their wedding they can afford £250 transport for their grandparents. . .

I'm in my 70's and if I were GPs I'd make the effort to be there, even if I wasn't well. GC trumps dog every time.
I gather that your DD knows that her GP are ulikely to go to her wedding - my own GM couldn't come to my wedding as she was elderly and infirm and we certainly didn't consider moving the wedding to where she lived as nobody else we knew lived within 200 miles. I'd be more worried about the future MIL I think, she sounds a bit of a handful.

So basically

-the dog is more important to the GPs than their granddaughter.

Although it's nice to have grandparents at a wedding, from my experience as a wedding photographer the grandparents (if old) rarely stay the whole day and don't get very involved with the day so to plan an entire wedding around them when they most likely won't turn up or will only stay for part of the day due to tiredness/dog/illness seems silly.