Should I tell my daughter or keep it to myself?

[birdseatworms]

My DD has just booked her wedding which is near to where she lives, about 200 miles from DH and I and the rest of our small family. She has a close relationship with my parents, both of whom are 79 (an old 79) and have suffered quite a few health setbacks this past year. DD and her fiancé weren’t in a huge rush to get married but both said if any of their grandparents got ill they would get married so their GPs could be there. Due to their health issues my mum says they won’t be able to make the trip and she is really hurt that my DD has decided to have the wedding so far away. Most of DD and her fiancé’s friends are near where they live, as are her fiancé’s large family. My mum feels she has chosen the importance of her friends and fiancé’s family over her own. DD is a sensitive soul and would be absolutely devastated to know her grandma feels like this.

I feel guilty knowing this and keeping it from my daughter, but worry if I tell her it will only spoil her joy in planning her big day. Her soon-to-be MIL has already caused irritations.

Should I tell my DD?

PS apologies for the length. Just trying to give a full picture. Please be gentle if this appears as a non-issue - it is causing me a lot of anxiety and I don’t know what to do.

Dd has booked knowing her grandparents might choose not to go.

There are options for the Dog both at home and if they should travel Travel to the wedding. I've been a babysitter and dog sitter in countless hotels. I've been a house sitter and babysitter encounter this peoples own homes. There are plenty of places where the dog could stay and the owners would be okay with it and with having a dog sitter if necessary if they couldn't do it themselves.

I understand your parents reluctance to travel with their health issues, but I'm afraid it comes down to them making the choice whether to go or not. I don't actually think you should get in the middle as you say when it settled a bit might be a better time to talk to your parents but purely to tell them you will help them with any logistics read the dog or getting there and staying a few days, whatever you're happy to help them arrange at all but whether they want to go or not is THEIR CHOICE and no having the wedding at their house is not an option even though it seems like the only arrangement they would be happy with

Don't let it spoil DD or yours!!

This is so unfair on your dd. Seems the dog is the main reason they are unable to leave home - all the medical things are stuff my dad even towards the end of his life at 92 would not have stopped him travelling 200 miles to see his granddaughter married.

It's very unfair on you too. You're stuck in the middle of it all. It's so boring being a grown up of a certain age and responsible.

I’m all about bride and groom choices, but if you genuinely believe it’s something your dd wants and dosnt feel able to push for/hasn’t thought through. A gentle one on one conversation needs to be had. Tell her your concerns with no judgement, pressure. Maybe suggest a small and secretive family registry office for the DGPs before the big day, it can be very intimate and no one needs to know, just you, DGPs and your dd and her fiancé. I would even bow out so it’s just them. No one needs to know. Plenty of people have an official legal ceremony and then a big show wedding.

Explain you don’t want to pressure them ( especially if getting it already) but explain how you have here, you dd might regret this.

Weddings these days is more about friends than family, nothing wrong with that mine was friend heavy, but I’d have moved heaven and earth to have my Nan involved if she’d had been around.

My Dad had quite a few health problems in his 80s, not great on his feet, kidney problems etc but it didn't stop him from stepping up for family events, and we all supported him, giving him lifts, got him a seat, got his food from the buffet etc.

It does sound like your parents could go if they wanted to, but don't want to, and are being miserable about it as they feel the day should have been planned around them.

You're very good to keep this from your daughter.

Good luck with getting them to change their minds, if they don't, at least they'll enjoy being cross about it all.

You sound like a very caring mum and I agree that whatever your DD chooses it's their day and whatever they decide you'll be happy 'for her/them' instead of doing what everyone else seems to be doing and making everything about themselves. You know your DD better than anyone and she knows you're there for her.

Maybe you need to have a little chat with GP's about how times have changed. Grown children don't necessarily stay within a few miles of their parents anymore, they spread their wings and follow where life takes them - it's their day, their wedding and if relatives and friends can't make the journey then they'll understand - they won't insist that everyone puts themselves out and travels if they're not fit.

I wouldn't care where my daughter got married as long as I could be there - I can't be doing with mums who want to dictate everything x

What? Absolutely not, so the fiance gets married without his parents and family?
Not at all!

Same here, and am also now 70. The harsh replies have left me going 😲 quite a bit!

My lovely brother's putting together a plan for me to visit his kids - it involves him driving 300 miles here to ferry me, snoozing on the back seat of his car, to his. We have to find somewhere for me to stay for at least a week (I'm too noisy to stay in someone's spare room) so I can rest loads in between visits. Then he'll do the round trip again in reverse.

He's only two years younger than me but he's fit and healthy - I look and act like his MUCH older sister these days! If I'm still around in another ten years, getting to a wedding will likely be as much of a challenge as the Iron Man would be to him.

@birdseatworms, I hope your parents will feel able to make DD's big day - with help - after the idea's settled. I'm very sympathetic to their concerns, though, and they would obviously be very poor guests if joining in would make them tired, ill and worried. It sounds as though DD already realises it's a possibility, so probably won't be as upset as you anticipate.

Just take lots of photos & videos to share with them later. Wishing you all a lovely day!

They sound really difficult to deal with to be honest. Can't they be happy for her? Crates and dog kennels are cruel so I understand the dog not being happy with that. There are websites now where you can find a local person to look after your dog. Sounds like if they are very stubborn people then it's their own fault.

I'm not sure if this makes you feel better but I purposely had my wedding locally so my grandparents could go and also a wheelchair user aunt... making sure it was wheelchair accessible venues etc and sadly on the day my nanny wasn't fit to go and of course my granda wouldn'tgo without her. And due to a bit of a mishap, I didn't have time to visit her the morning of my wedding. (Although I wish I could've changed that). My aunt also couldn't go as she was hospitalised that week.
Anyway, even if your daughter planned every last detail around her grandparents, there is no guarantee they could still come.

Being 70+ and having health problems gives them absolutely no right to complain about the wedding location and claim the bride has chosen her friends over her family. No right at all!

None of the comments show a lack of understanding of being old, they’re just practical suggestions.

Anyway, even if your daughter planned every last detail around her grandparents, there is no guarantee they could still come.
Very true. DD knew there was a risk, so just calmly let her know. Sorry if I missed it, when's the wedding?

I hope this doesn’t sound harsh to your parents @birdseatworms but honestly I feel most sorry for you! You should be able to look forward to and enjoy your daughter’s wedding; her choice of venue makes sense; and your parents’ health circumstances are also understandable (though the dog thing …)

The venue wasn’t chosen to exclude your parents. If you spend your energy fretting about them (if they don’t travel) and minding them (if they do), your enjoyment of the day is impacted. At least there is time for everyone to make peace with whatever they decide, but for now, I retract what I said earlier: you should step out of any discussions and make sympathetic non-committal noises to your DD and DPs, and say ‘well, it’s up to you’ at every turn.

I wouldn’t tell your daughter, it will ruin her day.

your parents should travel to her, I’m sorry but they’re being a bit selfish. My mum is 84 has a heart condition and modular degeneration, doesn’t stop her from doing things.

Exactly, and what about the partners family. If they're in their 70s too, should they be expected to travel for the benefit of ops parents?

I would explain that the grandparents aren't up for that kind of travel due to their health, just matter of factly. The whole, 'She's chosen their family over ours,' is emotional blackmail. Any wedding held a distance away means some people may not be able to come. It's fine to know that people can't travel for it but avoid the emotional blackmail.

After reading all your posts OP. I'm team bride @ groom - your parents are obstinate old shites
I hope you and your daughter have a magical day.
Don't tell her

Sorry but none of that is stopping them from going. Many hotels take dogs. If they can't leave him, they could take turns with him in the hotel room. They are just being difficult (and selfish) So, I wouldn't tell your DD.

From what you've said OP, it sounds like your parents would only be happy if the wedding was on their doorstep.

It seems like they're going to have the offer of door to door transport and nice accomodation. If they have mobility issues you can rent wheelchairs. Their dog is a dog; it can stay in a kennel, they can leave it with a dog sitter or get a friend to pop in the house and feed it.

If they're going to be stubborn about it with all that help, it says an awful lot about the type of people they are.

You should tell your daughter the score ASAP though; if it was me I'd hate to find out later down the line in the midst of all the other wedding stresses.

Can they set up a live video link for the ceremony?

And make sure the speeches and room decorations and guests are videoed so grandparents can watch those bits back later.

She needs to know they are not planning on coming.

If I were them I would find a dog boarding service or a friend /dog sitter to stay with the dog.

Travel up the day before and stay in a nice hotel for two/three nights.

AHH, it's all about the dog.

Also, sounds like they would be too frail for a big day out even if the wedding was local to them.

So actually it's the dog that's the problem.

In which case, they have made their decision not to go because the dog is more important.

If they were that desperate to attend, they'd find a solution but instead want your DDs wedding to accommodate their spoilt animal.

As you said, they are stubborn and so won't be happy unless the venue changes.

So I'd now do as a previous poster said and just grey rock with telling them that's their decision and not enter into a discussion.

Did you not read the OP? Her DPs family also live nearby, not just their friends.

I have similar issue, my GPs have told me they cant travel to my wedding. I live in my fiancees hometown, and most of his family and our friends are in a 15 mile radius of where we live. My family and old friends are scattered across the countryside, as much as I love my GPs it would be a logisically stupid to get married in my hometown (about 5% of my wedding guests still live there) just to appease two people. My GPs are in their early 90s, so it just isnt feasible for them to travel.

I really dont think your DD should change her wedding plans, especially if its the bloody dog preventing them from travle.

My dad has the beginning of macular degeneration, just finished treatment for prostate cancer and now has to have surgery on his tongue due to precancer. My mum had a knee replacement last year (and it has been a tough recovery for her), needs the other knee done (but doesn't want to go through another one), has some vision loss and is often dizzy. On top of that, they are both always tired. As I said, they are an old 79

Absolutely none of that precludes a 4 hour trip where they are being driven and will stay overnight or maybe 2 nights given the wedding will be tiring for them.

The crux of it seems to be their refusal to have their dog boarded for 2 nights. So, essentially they can travel but are choosing their dog over their granddaughter on this occasion. That’s sad.

I don't think they are being selfish as such in not wanting to go. They are old and sore and tired and just can't imagine how they can get through the event, it's overwhelming for them. It is what it is.

if their being there is really important to your daughter you could look for a hotel or airbnb that takes their dog, offer to arrange transport, assure them they can go home early from the event if they feel tired or sore or anxious. Maybe make the initial bookings so they don't have to worry about it and see if time lets them adjust to the idea.

But if they still won't go here is nothing you can do. You know you tried, accept that and have a wonderful time at your daughter's wedding.

I feel for you OP, it's a difficult situation and it's hard when you feel you are caught between two sides.