Should I tell my daughter or keep it to myself?

[birdseatworms]

My DD has just booked her wedding which is near to where she lives, about 200 miles from DH and I and the rest of our small family. She has a close relationship with my parents, both of whom are 79 (an old 79) and have suffered quite a few health setbacks this past year. DD and her fiancé weren’t in a huge rush to get married but both said if any of their grandparents got ill they would get married so their GPs could be there. Due to their health issues my mum says they won’t be able to make the trip and she is really hurt that my DD has decided to have the wedding so far away. Most of DD and her fiancé’s friends are near where they live, as are her fiancé’s large family. My mum feels she has chosen the importance of her friends and fiancé’s family over her own. DD is a sensitive soul and would be absolutely devastated to know her grandma feels like this.

I feel guilty knowing this and keeping it from my daughter, but worry if I tell her it will only spoil her joy in planning her big day. Her soon-to-be MIL has already caused irritations.

Should I tell my DD?

PS apologies for the length. Just trying to give a full picture. Please be gentle if this appears as a non-issue - it is causing me a lot of anxiety and I don’t know what to do.

Can't offer any advice but just to say you sound like a brilliant mum (and daughter at that). You remind me a lot of my mum and I love her to bits so your DD is lucky to have you

your daughter should have her day. I feel as though if the wedding was next door the GPs would still find reasons not to go. And that's OK they should have their say too. It's just not a priority for them and nothing she does will change that... So just point it out to DD that they aren't coming and you all have an amazing day and you can find another way for them to celebrate together. Can they watch online ?

The irony of your parents dismay that DD has chosen a wedding close to family and friends whilst expecting them to move the wedding so that they can attend instead.

Seeing as how she's booked the wedding knowing her grandparents might not be able to make it, I don't think there is any point in telling her that her grandma is upset that her venue choice is so far away.

This is one of those scenarios where noone is in the wrong. Your dd has chosen a venue closer to where she currently lives which makes sense for her. That location won't inconvenience the majority of her guests. Your parents are in poor health and would struggle to attend. Yes you could help get them there but it sounds like the length of the journey would be tiring before they even get there. Even if the venue was close by it sounds as if they would only manage the ceremony anyway.

Dd should obviously think of the comfort of her guests but has to balance that with having the day she and her partner want.

I also don't do well with travel for a whole lot of reasons. However, I'm aware that I have difficulties and I just accept that I will miss out because of that. I think the problem here is that the grandparents can't see that they are being unreasonable, and that's also probably to do with age.

I think it might be that you need to treat the grandparents' reaction like a tantrum and let them just be annoyed in their own space and time. I think that's probably part of being old for some people, and you just need to let them get on with it.

Also - from experience - weddings are just really difficult sometimes. It's one of these things that is supposedly all fun and joy, and actually is a massive amount of work and emotion for all involved.

Also to some extent a wedding is a societal way of saying to the older generation that they are no longer in charge and that the younger generation are now stepping up and taking over. I think what you're seeing is just that natural progression taking place, and while it is not fun, it is healthy that that should happen.

Good luck with it all. You might need to get some emotional body armour for the coming weeks, but it will be all over as soon as the reception is done, and then normal life returns.

Of course tell her! She actively planned her wedding so her grandparents could be there but obviously hasn't thought it through. Not sure if there's anything that can be done about it now, but she needs to know asap just in case there is, or so she can come to terms with it if there isn't.

I think that's a strange take, that a wedding shows the younger generation are stepping up and taking over. Since when? If anything they are joining the ranks of adults who have started their own families and coupled up, it's not a taking power thing at all. They may even have something to learn from older people whose marriages have stood the test of decades. My life is my own and newly married couples have no charge of me. If anything, they seem to rely on me a lot.

You have time to help your DPs try out some things like a dog sitter for the day or overnight

hope you find a way to make it happen and get them to the wedding x

It’s understandable your mum feels hurt at potentially not seeing her granddaughter married but she doesn’t think she should be prioritising her fiancés family at the expense of her own? - so she should be prioritising her own family at the expense of his? (And the majority of their friends?)

would get married so their GPs could be there

You explain to your daughter that your parents have said that they can't travel nor can they leave the dog but would like to see her get married

Ask her to have a chat with them

Maybe they could join in via video link?

Never been on a walk? So your parents have basically been cruel to that poor dog hence it now has psychological issues.

Please don’t upset your daughter with their passive aggressive comments, she shouldn’t have to rearrange her wedding day around them. If she did there would probably just be further complaints down the line anyway. I would just tell her it’s sad but with their health issues they can’t attend.

The poor couple can’t gear their entire day around two people, whoever they are. The groom has a family too.

If your parents weren’t so stubborn and selfish, they’d see that. Then again, they’ve bought a dog they can’t look after, which demonstrates the bloody-mindedness that often comes with old age. (Incidentally, I have Bostons, and those dogs need walking. They’re full of energy and curiosity. The poor thing is probably genuinely mentally ill).

I’m afraid your mum will just have to get over it. Try to include her as much as possible. Maybe your daughter can give her a sneak peek at her in the dress?You could put them on Zoom on the day, with a little buffet at home, the way people watch a Royal wedding. There are lots of creative ways to include your parents, but I’m guessing your mum might be enjoying the drama of being offended.

Maybe your daughter thinks that given her grandparents have never even bothered themselves to walk their own dog that they might not attend regardless of where the wedding is.
It looks like best case scenario they don't attend and you go, spend time with your daughter and enjoy yourself. The alternative is that they do attend and you end up spending a lot of time and effort making that happen. It might be important to you that your parents attend but is it important to your daughter? I don't know, I don't come from a family where adults have grandparents.

I agree with @Doctor1988 if I was having a convo with anyone it would be my mother to tell her how hurtful her granddaughter would find her behaviour.

i think this is what most people would do and it’s quite telling I think that your thought process is reversed.
your mother sounds like she has you well trained (shame she didn’t spend as much effort training the dog!)

I wouldn’t put much effort into accommodating their attendance as your mother has already made up her mind.

its very common now to do a video link (a lot of Covid weddings did this)
The most I’d do is organise that and arrange for a neighbour or someone to pop into them and set it up on the day so they can sit in their home and watch ( or not bother) and your Dd won’t be any the wiser on the day itself and can enjoy her wedding

@birdseatworms why can’t the GPs watch it via live stream?

Its a reasonable compromise to suit all.

@birdseatworms "My priority is that my DD and her fiance have the day they want." And this is precisely why you should not share your DM's thoughts with your DD and spoil things for her when she should be enjoying all the planning.
It's utterly selfish for your DPs to think that your DD and her fiance should plan their wedding around them when there are so many other people to consider.
I'm going to a wedding next week where the grooms' parents (90 and 88 and both frail) will be doing a 180-mile round trip by car to be at their son's wedding. The drive will be at least two hours in both directions as they will have to stop a couple of times for comfort breaks, but they've finally agreed to stay away from home for two nights (that will be a support challenge in itself). They wouldn't miss their son's wedding for the world, but if they absolutely couldn't make it they would wish him nothing but a fabulous day and look forward to seeing the photographs. They certainly wouldn't be spiteful about it and ruin his day for him.
I think your DPs need to remember this is their DGD's big day - when they're gone, do they really want her to remember them for being spiteful about such an important event in her life?

It doesn't sound like they would have been able to go even to a local wedding as they would be there a few hours at least and couldn't leave their dog.

So your parents never go anywhere? It sounds a case of won't travel rather than can't.

If DD already aware that grandparents may not be abltto travel the what's to be achieved by telling her they afe hurt? Won't ahe already know this?

Did you read all of OP's posts? Her DD did not actively plan her wedding so her grandparents could be there. OP wrote in her second post: "My apologies, I should have said in my OP that DD knew they might not be able to attend before she booked it." OP could certainly confirm to her DD that her grandparents can't make the wedding due to the travel involved and staying away from their dog, but she should absolutely not tell her the spiteful things her grandmother has said about her - as OP has said, her DD would be devastated by this.

Their illnesses aside, they sound like selfish, self-centred numpties. I would have absolutely berated them about how they treat their dog over the years and would have suggested it should be rehomed early on with someone who is actually going to walk it. My dad used to walk his labrador for hours a day in his 70s.

I would tell her in a practical way and give her full and reassuring permission to go ahead with it.
There are solutions that would make it possible for your parents to attend, but they don’t want to access them. That’s fine. They are allowed to say that is such a shame, but they won’t be able to attend.
Tell your DD they can stream it live (quite easy to do - I watched a family member get married in a different country like this whilst heavily pregnant my, and allowed myself a little glass of champagne to toast them! The wedding party all turned and waved at the camera for me when the celebrant mentioned those would couldn’t attend and named me. It was lovely!)
DD has obviously thought long and hard about this venue and chosen it for their own reasons.
Don’t approach it wringing your hands with either your DD or your parents. Just a factual ‘these things happen! What a shame but never mind, we all want DD to be happy and you can toast her from your home’ (it might even prompt your parents to make some different decisions!).

Then carrying on enjoying the preparations yourself. It will be a lovely day.

your mother sounds such a tricky character

I bet you had one hell of a time of it growing up Op

Also - 200 miles really isn’t that far, so DD shouldn’t be made to feel selfish. She’s not getting married in New Zealand.

I don’t think you should say anything seeing as your DD knew there was a chance they wouldn’t be able to come. They have chosen a venue close to most of the guests and your parents sound as though they are being selfish, they could get there if they really wanted.

Just tell your daughter they can’t attend due to the distance but don’t say your mother is hurt. I feel they are being stubborn too as old people can be,