Should I tell my daughter or keep it to myself?

[birdseatworms]

My DD has just booked her wedding which is near to where she lives, about 200 miles from DH and I and the rest of our small family. She has a close relationship with my parents, both of whom are 79 (an old 79) and have suffered quite a few health setbacks this past year. DD and her fiancé weren’t in a huge rush to get married but both said if any of their grandparents got ill they would get married so their GPs could be there. Due to their health issues my mum says they won’t be able to make the trip and she is really hurt that my DD has decided to have the wedding so far away. Most of DD and her fiancé’s friends are near where they live, as are her fiancé’s large family. My mum feels she has chosen the importance of her friends and fiancé’s family over her own. DD is a sensitive soul and would be absolutely devastated to know her grandma feels like this.

I feel guilty knowing this and keeping it from my daughter, but worry if I tell her it will only spoil her joy in planning her big day. Her soon-to-be MIL has already caused irritations.

Should I tell my DD?

PS apologies for the length. Just trying to give a full picture. Please be gentle if this appears as a non-issue - it is causing me a lot of anxiety and I don’t know what to do.

meh. She'll find out they're not coming and if she gets antsy about it, that's just how it is.

She has talked in the past about how important it is for her to have them there, then she needs to talk to them about how to make that happen.

She's a grown up, sometimes you just have to face up to the fact that your decisions don't suit everyone.

I would have thought that the wedding was arranged around their priorities. If the grandparents were a priority then the plans would have reflected this. Id want people at my wedding who I held dear and it’s a shame that the grandparents weren’t a priority but perhaps that’s because they aren’t to her or she is feeling pressured to have the wedding near her in-laws. This is why I dislike weddings and want to elope as it no longer becomes about love but keeping everyone happy.

@Latetotheparty11 and maybe they are having people they hold dear? Those who live close, the df family?

Can’t please everyone. Makes sense to do it closer to the majority. I doubt it’s personal more logistical.

Please don't tell your DD about how her grandparents are behaving about her wedding. Especially as you say she's a sensitive soul. This could really taint her special day. I'd be pissed off if it were my parents acting this way but I would 100% protect my child and handle them myself.

I agree with all of this. We had elderly people travelling to our wedding and we paid for a luxury limo to take them.

This is so lovely ☺️

Set up a video link thing..zoom, FaceTime whatever..camera and stream it so they can watch the ceremony if nothing else..they can raise a glass while sitting at home when the toast is done. We did that to ‘be at ‘ a family wedding abroad..too expensive to go so it was Skyped to us

Yes, this could be a nice solution; at some point after the ceremony the bride and groom could come to the camera/phone and greet them. They could feel a part of things without the wear & tear or leaving the dog. Provide them, if they would enjoy it, in advance with some wine or other celebratory drink.

It's your mum's decision not to go, and your daughter's decision to get married at the other side of the country.

They are both capable of talking directly to each other. Why are you considering being spokesperson for your mum? Stay out of the whole discussion and stay neutral. Don't become a go between!

They can’t travel 200 miles ?
Ok it’s not down the road but surely someone could drive them there with a few stops for the toilet/ cup of tea ?
they could spend the night in a hotel ( preferably the actual venue ) then be driven back

It's not been for a walk for eleven years. I think the only thing that could help that dog would be a time machine and a suitable owner.

Everyone is different. A 79 with medical issues and a dog may well be anxious about travelling 200miles. As the dd allegedly had a close relationship with her dgp she should have realised this would be an issue and chosen a venue closer to home or somewhere in the middle.

True but they would not be making their way there by bus or train. They’d be chauffeured around .
My mum had health issues and at age 79 loved a trip on the bus with a changeover at the bus stations to visit us .
We would then drive her back home once she’d stayed a few nights .
sometimes we would go both ways to pick her up and drop her off , just depending on weather 🌦️ eg we wouldn’t want her travelling in bad weather.
I also had young cousins near her who could pick her up from the local station

I understand the GP's are upset that they can't attend. But if they are too frail to be driven the 200 miles and stay in a comfortable hotel overnight, then I wonder if they are too frail to attend a local wedding for a full day. They must appreciate that their GD's wedding shouldn't be all about them.

If your DD is already aware they may be unable to travel then there is nothing more to tell. Arrange a nice meal before the wedding with them and one after the honeymoon where they can look at the wedding photos and videos. DD could show her GP's her dress and talk about flowers and wedding cake before the wedding if they want to feel involved. Ask them to help pick out a reading, have the best man read out a "telegram" from them on the day...

I think you could also, gently, reiterate to your parents that DD lives 200 miles away and wants to be married near her established home. Given the distance, at least one side of the family would have to be travelling. DD hasn't "prioritised her friends and fiancé's family", the couple have chosen where they want to marry.

She has chosen a venue close to home. HER home.

Who is to say that her husband doesn't also have elderly relatives who live near them and would like to attend the wedding? If that's the case, they can't get married near everyone and have to make a choice.

It sounds like the OP's parents could actually travel, they just don't want to. And if the reason they can't travel (being chauffeured all the way and put up in a comfortable hotel) is because of their bloody dog, well, they can't expect someone to plan their wedding around their dog. They should have been better prepared and have a contingency plan for their dog.

Perhaps the issue for the GPs is more about feeling overlooked rather than whether they actually attend or not? If so, I'd tell your DD they feel sad not to attend, rather than hurt, and suggest she takes the lead in making suggestions for the trip to be doable for them e.g. she researches things like AirBnBs, dog friendly hotels, tells them about disabled access at the venue, stopping off points on the journey etc & says how she'd love them to be there but understands if not and would they prefer live streaming or recording to watch after etc. If your family is anything like mine, the GPs may be more receptive to suggestions from her. Even if not, they'll feel 'thought about' and after the wedding your DD will feel she did what she could to include them. It's perfectly reasonable though for her to have her wedding near most attendees & perfectly reasonable for someone with that level of health problems to choose not to travel. Perhaps the GPs will eventually see the logic of the venue choice if they can get past feeling hurt and excluded.

Fwiw, for all the very good reasons why the GP's could attend, I can clearly recall as my DM was getting older, that she had lost confidence in travelling very far away from where she lived and would look for and catastrophise all of the things that could go wrong, even though they were unlikely to occur. Having spent many years as a solo traveller back and forth to the US, as my Mum got older, she lacked confidence when travelling and covered it up by placing obstacles in place about all the reasons she couldn't go somewhere. In this case, I don't think the Bride is being unreasonable about wanting to have her wedding where she chooses but equally the GP's aren't being unreasonable either as in their current world, they've become risk averse and over worry about every possible issue. IMHO we shouldn't judge the bride or the GP's; they're all just living in different stages of their lives and see the world as they perceive it. And there's nothing wrong with that.
As I previously suggested, a live link to the ceremony for the GP's together with some other nice touches to make them feel part of the day should reassure them and also alleviate any difficulties for the bride. And let's hope everyone has a wonderful day 🥰