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Original poster

Partner deleted my personal notes of our arguments

178 replies

Als95 · 07/03/2025 00:19

Me and my boyfriend of 8 years have been going through a really rocky few months, to the point where things get heated and he gets quite emotionally and verbally abusive (especially after a drink!)

Tonight he comes home very tipsy and loud and is crashing about as I lay in bed. He then proceeds to turn the lights on and quizzes me about why my phone is right next to me. (My phone is always on charge on the bed side table at night). I respond to say it’s charging and he doesn’t believe me and then asks to see my notes on my phone? I ask why and he says he wants to humour himself (I at this point have no idea that he has gone down my phone!)

I then leave the room and go into our spare bedroom and he shouts out that he has deleted every single note I’ve recorded about our arguments and if I do that again I’ll regret it and we will be done? (Again, lots of cursing in between!!)

Am I in the wrong? Whenever I try to speak about our arguments he never seems to want to resolve it or chat through what’s going on (hence why I made the notes) It’s a never ending cycle!!! Help

OP posts:
Lavender14 · 07/03/2025 00:23

Op I used to make notes for myself after arguments with my ex because I used to come away with no resolution, confused and feeling worse than before or like I was to blame. So I made the notes to try and remind myself that I had valid points that deserved to be discussed.

That was gaslighting and it was abusive. Your boyfriend is already verbally and emotionally abusing you, threatening you ("you'll be sorry") controlling you (snooping on your phone and deleting things) and is gaslighting you.

My question is what support do you think you'd need in order to leave this domestic abuse safely?

IWillJustSayThis · 07/03/2025 00:23

It's over isn't it? Either you or he needs to leave. It all sounds horrid, abusive behaviour from him, both of you arguing - relationships shouldn't be like this.

I wouldn't waste more time, I would spend the weekend making a plan. Please don't settle for less than you deserve.

Semiramide · 07/03/2025 00:24

It is worrying - and suggests extremely low self esteem - that you even ask this question.

You need to leave.

And do what you need to do to becone a confident, self-reliant woman who simply would not contemplate taking this kind of shit from any man.

Check out...
Why Does He Do That
Women Who Love Too Much
The Six Pillars of Self Esteem

But first and foremost leave him.

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 07/03/2025 00:26

It doesn't matter does it - as you are leaving him - aren't you.

Hopefully there isn't children involved ?

and as he is a partner not a husband there is no divorce to go through.

Original poster
Als95 · 07/03/2025 00:30

I have noticed my self esteem lower over time 😩 it just beats you down.

Thanks for your comment. I will check them out!

OP posts:
VexedofVirginiaWater · 07/03/2025 00:31

"he shouts out that he has deleted every single note I’ve recorded about our arguments and if I do that again I’ll regret it and we will be done"

Oh right!! So what makes him think it's up to him? Who made him the boss? Why will you regret it - is that a real threat, or just a not very frightening threat that he will leave - yippee if so. What insufferable arrogance! Tell him YOU have decided that you're done right now because of him accessing and then having the nerve to delete your private notes. I can only think they were too true for him to accept - bell end.

Krop · 07/03/2025 00:34

If you have no kids, it’s probably time to end this. If you have kids, it’s more complex.

ManchesterGirl2 · 07/03/2025 00:34

I think it's time to be done now. He's a problem drinker, emotionally and verbally abusive, and now he's being controlling, to prevent your efforts to record and make sense of his behaviour.

Original poster
Als95 · 07/03/2025 00:37

Semiramide · 07/03/2025 00:24

It is worrying - and suggests extremely low self esteem - that you even ask this question.

You need to leave.

And do what you need to do to becone a confident, self-reliant woman who simply would not contemplate taking this kind of shit from any man.

Check out...
Why Does He Do That
Women Who Love Too Much
The Six Pillars of Self Esteem

But first and foremost leave him.

I have noticed my self esteem lower over time 😩 it just beats you down.
Thanks for your comment. I will check them out!

OP posts:
Original poster
Als95 · 07/03/2025 00:39

VexedofVirginiaWater · 07/03/2025 00:31

"he shouts out that he has deleted every single note I’ve recorded about our arguments and if I do that again I’ll regret it and we will be done"

Oh right!! So what makes him think it's up to him? Who made him the boss? Why will you regret it - is that a real threat, or just a not very frightening threat that he will leave - yippee if so. What insufferable arrogance! Tell him YOU have decided that you're done right now because of him accessing and then having the nerve to delete your private notes. I can only think they were too true for him to accept - bell end.

😩😩😩 I’m now just sat up whilst he has gone to sleep.

Overthinking and processing what on earth has just happened.

thanks for your advice x

OP posts:
biggreenapple24 · 07/03/2025 00:40

This is not normal or healthy, none of it.

The arguments, the feeling you want to make notes after the arguments, the way he's behaving.

This is not a good relationship. You will be so much happier without him.

Original poster
Als95 · 07/03/2025 00:42

biggreenapple24 · 07/03/2025 00:40

This is not normal or healthy, none of it.

The arguments, the feeling you want to make notes after the arguments, the way he's behaving.

This is not a good relationship. You will be so much happier without him.

I think deep down I know this. It’s just coming to terms with it. I also haven’t spoken to any friends / family about it so I guess it’s just accepting the fact we are done 😒

OP posts:
Lavender14 · 07/03/2025 00:45

Speaking to friends and family is the first step really because it makes it real and its leaning on the support network you have around you to help you leave. As you've said it really grinds you down over time so you need others around to help lift you up. Womens aid would also be a good source of support and you could talk confidentially to their workers if you didn't feel safe/ ready to leave or tell others as well. They can help you work out the plans and what support exists for you
.

selffellatingouroborosofhate · 07/03/2025 00:46

He just did what to your phone? And now can tell you "I didn't say that" and "That didn't happen" because he's destroyed the evidence.

Leave this abuser.

YourHappyJadeEagle · 07/03/2025 00:58

Am I in the wrong? Whenever I try to speak about our arguments he never seems to want to resolve it or chat through what’s going on (hence why I made the notes) It’s a never ending cycle!!! Help

Youve answered your own question —- it’s a never ending cycle. So stop pedalling, waste no more energy on him. He won’t change, if anjything he’ll get worse. Either kick him out tomorrow or leave.

PyongyangKipperbang · 07/03/2025 01:00

It comes down to "I will make sure that you have no proof of how much of a shit that we both know I am".

Get out sweetheart, please.

I ended up burning the diaries I kept throughout the 12 years I spent with my abusive ex because seeing all the abuse right there in my own words, and me asking myself what I was doing wrong, was too painful.

You dont need notes, or proof, you just need to get out. Took me far too long to realise that.

Please please do get out, dont be me.xx

Original poster
Als95 · 07/03/2025 01:01

YourHappyJadeEagle · 07/03/2025 00:58

Am I in the wrong? Whenever I try to speak about our arguments he never seems to want to resolve it or chat through what’s going on (hence why I made the notes) It’s a never ending cycle!!! Help

Youve answered your own question —- it’s a never ending cycle. So stop pedalling, waste no more energy on him. He won’t change, if anjything he’ll get worse. Either kick him out tomorrow or leave.

I know he will make a big fuss about leaving ! We have a mortgage and it’s 50/50. And I know if it came to it I would just end up leaving to save the aggravation (which is exactly what he would want!!)

This has to stop though I know x

OP posts:
Original poster
Als95 · 07/03/2025 01:02

PyongyangKipperbang · 07/03/2025 01:00

It comes down to "I will make sure that you have no proof of how much of a shit that we both know I am".

Get out sweetheart, please.

I ended up burning the diaries I kept throughout the 12 years I spent with my abusive ex because seeing all the abuse right there in my own words, and me asking myself what I was doing wrong, was too painful.

You dont need notes, or proof, you just need to get out. Took me far too long to realise that.

Please please do get out, dont be me.xx

You’re so right 🙏⭐️ thanks so much. Appreciate it x

OP posts:
PyongyangKipperbang · 07/03/2025 01:04

Als95 · 07/03/2025 01:01

I know he will make a big fuss about leaving ! We have a mortgage and it’s 50/50. And I know if it came to it I would just end up leaving to save the aggravation (which is exactly what he would want!!)

This has to stop though I know x

Show quote history

Can you afford legal advice? You need to see a lawyer who specialises in domestic abuse. Womens Aid can help direct you in the right direction to find one.

petuladaisy · 07/03/2025 01:04

Als95 · 07/03/2025 00:19

Me and my boyfriend of 8 years have been going through a really rocky few months, to the point where things get heated and he gets quite emotionally and verbally abusive (especially after a drink!)

Tonight he comes home very tipsy and loud and is crashing about as I lay in bed. He then proceeds to turn the lights on and quizzes me about why my phone is right next to me. (My phone is always on charge on the bed side table at night). I respond to say it’s charging and he doesn’t believe me and then asks to see my notes on my phone? I ask why and he says he wants to humour himself (I at this point have no idea that he has gone down my phone!)

I then leave the room and go into our spare bedroom and he shouts out that he has deleted every single note I’ve recorded about our arguments and if I do that again I’ll regret it and we will be done? (Again, lots of cursing in between!!)

Am I in the wrong? Whenever I try to speak about our arguments he never seems to want to resolve it or chat through what’s going on (hence why I made the notes) It’s a never ending cycle!!! Help

He's in the wrong, you are not. Tell him it's over, the ball is in your court not his.

NotbloodyGivingupYet · 07/03/2025 01:05

Als95 · 07/03/2025 01:01

I know he will make a big fuss about leaving ! We have a mortgage and it’s 50/50. And I know if it came to it I would just end up leaving to save the aggravation (which is exactly what he would want!!)

This has to stop though I know x

Show quote history

Ah , well speak to a solicitor before you tell him it's over. Find out what your rights are, and how to make sure you get what you're entitled to.

LBFseBrom · 07/03/2025 01:22

No doubt you can re-write the notes but for goodness sake, not on your phone. Write them down and hide them somewhere while you are still living under the same roof.

Leave him, it isn't working and you are wasting your life.

BettyBardMacDonald · 07/03/2025 01:25

Why would you waste any precious day of your life with this loser?

Original poster
Als95 · 07/03/2025 01:28

BettyBardMacDonald · 07/03/2025 01:25

Why would you waste any precious day of your life with this loser?

God knows 😫 I think it’s so easy to get stuck in a rut and it almost becomes all you know & I hate that I’m now only recently seeing the light

OP posts:
Original poster
Als95 · 07/03/2025 01:36

LBFseBrom · 07/03/2025 01:22

No doubt you can re-write the notes but for goodness sake, not on your phone. Write them down and hide them somewhere while you are still living under the same roof.

Leave him, it isn't working and you are wasting your life.

I won’t be able to rewrite the now deleted notes as I cannot retrieve them - I also should be able to make notes on my own phone without my privacy being invaded… clearly not.

Pen and paper it is.

OP posts: