Partner deleted my personal notes of our arguments

[Als95]

Me and my boyfriend of 8 years have been going through a really rocky few months, to the point where things get heated and he gets quite emotionally and verbally abusive (especially after a drink!)

Tonight he comes home very tipsy and loud and is crashing about as I lay in bed. He then proceeds to turn the lights on and quizzes me about why my phone is right next to me. (My phone is always on charge on the bed side table at night). I respond to say it’s charging and he doesn’t believe me and then asks to see my notes on my phone? I ask why and he says he wants to humour himself (I at this point have no idea that he has gone down my phone!)

I then leave the room and go into our spare bedroom and he shouts out that he has deleted every single note I’ve recorded about our arguments and if I do that again I’ll regret it and we will be done? (Again, lots of cursing in between!!)

Am I in the wrong? Whenever I try to speak about our arguments he never seems to want to resolve it or chat through what’s going on (hence why I made the notes) It’s a never ending cycle!!! Help

He sounds threatening, OP. I'd be making plans to leave.

You are only in the wrong for staying with him. Honestly, don't waste any more of your life with this man. He sounds awful.

The only note you need @Als95 is one to remind you to phone a solicitor in the morning.

Echo what others are saying, but if you were using the phone's native Notes app (i.e. Apple notes), you should be able to log into your apple account and retrieve the notes from the Recently deleted folder. It stores these for 30 days before permanently deleting the note.

Most notes apps such as Samsung notes, Google keep have a similar feature. Evernote has a trash folder, etc.

Please end the relationship, you deserve so much better.

He is an abusive arsehole. Has he ever been violent?

On many phones if you back up your phone in the cloud you can go back to an old version and get the notes back.

We have a mortgage and it’s 50/50.

Yes, but that doesn't mean that you co-own the house!

Are you joint tenants on the deeds? Or tenants in common, with what ratio? Please tell me that you are on the deeds and he doesn't own the house entirely...

Men can read paper.

You need to put a password or PIN lock—not a fingerprint because he can unlock your phone with your finger whilst you sleep, you must use a password or PIN—on your phone. And get your phone checked for stalkerware: he knew those notes were there, how did he know?

Can you retrieve notes from recycle bin or similar feature @Als95
Change your password or use finger print or two step access in future.

Can you move to the spare room and make plans to end the relationship?

He told you he wanted to read your notes and you handed your phone over. I don’t know why he randomly thought you’d be keeping notes on your phone, and I don’t know why you are surprised he deleted them. Having said that, sometimes the notes are linked to an email account so maybe check if they’re still around

I used to send myself emails to an account he didn’t know about. They were used by the police as evidence because they went back years

I could have written this post x 2 (marriages) OP.
I am so angry with myself that I put up with it for as long as I did. Ashamed, even.
I'm decades older now since both these relationships ended (as they inevitably would), and I have absolutely no doubt that your relationship will not last, as he simply doesn't respect you, which in turn means he doesn't love you. Sorry to be negative but please get out as soon as you can. Sertraline helped me become a little more positive about myself. Good luck 🤞

Exactly! How did he know that you had notes?

Check your phone for stalkerware.

Do not ever use fingerprints. Never use an authentication method that someone else can "borrow" whilst you sleep.

Oh OP, I know how easy it is to lose sight of what's normal but arguments being such a regular thing that you're in the habit of making notes on your phone about them is absolutely not.

Please leave him as soon as you can. Today if possible. Would you have somewhere safe to go?

In your position, I think the first step is to share the truth with those closest to you, so you can gather the support you need to leave/for him to leave. He is only going to get worse, and if you leave them you can spare yourself a future of utter misery.

Iv time you will meet someone that loves and respects you. There is no future in this relationship. You could never bring a child into this environment nor get married - or you will be lumbered with him forever..There are plenty of charities that can help too.

The relationship has run its course. The rocky few months as you describe it are due to his growing resentment about the relationship. It's a toxic environment and will only get worse.

You aren’t overthinking at all.

But something has to be the last thing. Like the list here https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/3320079-Straw-that-broke-the-camels-back.

You might take a while to disentangle yourself, if you are safe that’s fine. Just start making changes and keep your eye on the prize that is contentment.

He sounds absolutely horrible, I'm so sorry you're in this situation. I've been there before and once you get out the fog will lift and you'll start feeling more yourself.

If you go to your settings and search recycle bin they could all be still be in there. Fingers crossed you can find them 🤞

This seems ridiculous. Surely, if you are at the point of writing notes about arguments (whether that be on a phone, or by one/paper), then it’s past time to leave. Why stay and write notes? Just leave if it’s at that point. No one gets a reward for making life hard and dramatic for themselves, there’s zero shame in just saying ‘this doesn’t work for me anymore’ (no need to provide any further reason) and walking away.

There are diary apps you can get and password protect. I really like AudioDiary (blue and white app) as it lets you type entries but also record them verbally. Often saying my thoughts aloud at the same pace I think them (rather than slowing down my thoughts to type) makes everything clearer much more quickly.

I reckon it would be really useful if/when you finally leave him too. It's quite telling that he wanted to erase any evidence of his abuse, because he knows exactly what he's doing to you.

So sorry op, got lots of good advice here
What's the next steps?

I haven’t RTFT

If you need to keep notes OP, I suggest you write down what he did tonight - and email it to yourself - your own email account - maybe set up one he doesn’t know about. Don’t tell him obviously.

And leave. Carefully. (I’m not in the UK so I don’t know where to tell you to go, or what help you can get; but others on here can and do).

Take care.

I know this isn't the point here, but if you're phone backs up to iCloud, your notes should be there for 30 days

But I think you know it isn't really about the notes.

You were done at the point it became necessary to take notes on the arguments. That's not normal in a healthy relationship. Sounds like things have gone downhill even further since. Get out now, before he turns it to physical abuse.