Partner deleted my personal notes of our arguments

[Als95]

Me and my boyfriend of 8 years have been going through a really rocky few months, to the point where things get heated and he gets quite emotionally and verbally abusive (especially after a drink!)

Tonight he comes home very tipsy and loud and is crashing about as I lay in bed. He then proceeds to turn the lights on and quizzes me about why my phone is right next to me. (My phone is always on charge on the bed side table at night). I respond to say it’s charging and he doesn’t believe me and then asks to see my notes on my phone? I ask why and he says he wants to humour himself (I at this point have no idea that he has gone down my phone!)

I then leave the room and go into our spare bedroom and he shouts out that he has deleted every single note I’ve recorded about our arguments and if I do that again I’ll regret it and we will be done? (Again, lots of cursing in between!!)

Am I in the wrong? Whenever I try to speak about our arguments he never seems to want to resolve it or chat through what’s going on (hence why I made the notes) It’s a never ending cycle!!! Help

Heck, even if you were in a sick relationship with this man for 40 years, it would still be worth it for peace of mind.
You don't need him, and you definitely don't need notes of your arguments to leave {or to get him to leave}.
The mortgage is a bummer, but no kids [?] makes it much easier emotionally.

You can hopefully start again with a mortgage on your own- I know it's hard though.

He's just your boyfriend. You are not shackled to this man so you leave him.

Don't be spoken to and treated this way. Raise your bar.

If he used your password on your phone change it. You really need to dump him.

I'm so sorry OP. I spent 6 years wih someone who gaslit me and guilted me.

Honestly. Once you make the decision to leave, you will kick yourself that you didn't do it earlier.

It's complicated that you co own the house. I didn't have that complication thank goodness, as my ex was an unemployed bum and I'd bought the house with my parents help. I can't offer any experience there but make sure you do not walk away with nothing 💓

Don't beat yourself up for staying, many many people in this world have done similar. Just look forward to the next stage of your life and work out how to leave, now you realise you don't want or need to put up with this any more. You don't need the notes either - analysing them wouldn't bring clarity or peace. Get legal advice and do not give up anything to him. Wishing you all the best.

My first thought on reading the OP was that he was prompted to check the notes folder of your phone after hearing on the news that Louise Hunt had used her notes app to write down details of Kyle Clifford's abuse. If he heard that, and his instinctive response was to connect it to your relationship, I think that is really, really chilling.

That is really bad

Put a better sign in on your phone, face, fingerprint, passcode. And get out. Why are you tolerating his horrible behaviour? Please don’t allow this to continue.

Is there a deleted section on notes ?
Nothing is truely deleted, it’s up there in the cloud.
If you go online I’m sure there will be information how to retrieve the deleted notes.
Change your password/pin on your phone and please leave this person. I’d report the threats to police, so there is a record of this.

If you have kids, yes it’s more complex because you have to think about someone else but that doesn’t mean anyone should stay, if it’s time to go it’s time to go kids or no kids

No not pen & paper or any more notes - just feet, walking away!!

Please read Why Does He Do This !!

Stop wasting your life in an awful relationship.

He “has deleted every single note I’ve recorded about our arguments and if I do that again I’ll regret it and we will be done”

OP, no need to regret anything, and please, let him know that YOU are the one who’s done. Work out how to sort the mortgage, and then run for the hills. This abusive and threatening man does not deserve another second of your time or consideration - and alas, I fear it won’t get any better. I know “LTB” is easier said than done, but OP, you need to get out for your own well-being and sanity. Good luck!

Don’t faff about with men and paper. Leave. Tell him to either buy you out or you are putting the property on the market.

pack your bags and get out. Sometimes take the loss and just get away

In your first paragraph you said he was abusive. It doesn’t matter what you wrote next because that alone means you need to leave.

Absolutely agree with this.

I have switched to paper because I realised everything was backing up to an iCloud I don’t have access to. You might have iCloud backups? Look it up and see.

I recommend watching some you tube videos of Dr Ramani and see if it rings bells. He may fit the bill for narcissistic personality style. If he does then learning more about it will help you to observe his behaviours and not get organised by them. It will also help you to manage the process of separating more smoothly. Also, if he does fit the bill you can be pretty certain he won’t change.

He is telling you who he is. Believe him.

YES

OP you need to start making plans to safely end this relationship. Please get in touch with women's aid.

You are in an abusive relationship and you know deep down that you don't deserve this, and that what he is doing to you is wrong. 😔

If you'd like a log. Perhaps set up a new email address, with a password he would never guess and that's not saved anywhere or written down and use it to email yourself things to and from that same email address.

If you usually use Gmail use a new yahoo email for example. No links to yourr usual sites, email provider, username totally different, password he won't know etc.

You can use it to log things, to contact people for advice etc.

Also you are on MN and you know he is snooping on your phone. Start clearing your history and cookies and logging out of stuff every time, on any device you use.

There is an app you can use that can’t be deleted- specifically for people in situations like yours. I can’t remember the name but it’s been mentioned here before.

Or emails, as a PP says.

Please stay safe.

Have a look at Mynara. It's a free app for women in abusive situations, and amongst other things, it provides a journal you can write to note abuse. Once you have written the notes, they are impossible to delete or edit. Mynara needs a PIN number to open it which you ideally don't give to him, but even if he does manage to open it, he won't be able to delete anything you have written.
Mynara stands for "My Narcissistic Abuse Recovery App" and when you first open it, it talks a lot about narcissistic abuse and yada yada yada. But you can just whizz through all that if it doesn't seem useful and sign up for the free version of the app to use the journalling facility.
I don't even use it as an app, I use the web version and sign in on a private browser every time, to cover my tracks. It's very user friendly I've found. Good luck to you 💐

Op this really resonates with me and my recent relationship. I made so many notes to myself and long diary entry’s trying to work it all out. They turn you into an inward looking mess to deflect your attention from the problem… which is that they are abusive, don’t respect you and don’t love you or even see you as a human being.

I realised recently when I was thinking about me ex’s response to finding my diaries was that he couldn’t care less what I was writing about… his only concern was that someone would see it. When I used to try and talk to him about his treatment of me all he asked about was who I had told…

I have all this clarity now after only 3 months out of the relationship ( he actually left me I am ashamed to say). I was completely broken initially as he had worn me down so much over the 8 years we were together… but now I can see the light. I read why does he do that, women who love to much and the pillars of self esteem… it was like a light bulb going off. I am so much happier now.

you will be ok OP… more than OK. When you live without someone who hates you ( it’s not personal , they hate themselves and women usually) life is just nice . Good luck.

ps the diary entry’s are useful to remind yourself of how awful he is when you have moments of weakens.

@Als95 , as others have said you may be able to retrieve the notes.

@Als95 on an iPhone they are backed up to iCloud and androids have a similar function.

Also - leave!!!

OP. Just end it. There’s nothing more to say. It’s toxic.