Partner deleted my personal notes of our arguments

[Als95]

Me and my boyfriend of 8 years have been going through a really rocky few months, to the point where things get heated and he gets quite emotionally and verbally abusive (especially after a drink!)

Tonight he comes home very tipsy and loud and is crashing about as I lay in bed. He then proceeds to turn the lights on and quizzes me about why my phone is right next to me. (My phone is always on charge on the bed side table at night). I respond to say it’s charging and he doesn’t believe me and then asks to see my notes on my phone? I ask why and he says he wants to humour himself (I at this point have no idea that he has gone down my phone!)

I then leave the room and go into our spare bedroom and he shouts out that he has deleted every single note I’ve recorded about our arguments and if I do that again I’ll regret it and we will be done? (Again, lots of cursing in between!!)

Am I in the wrong? Whenever I try to speak about our arguments he never seems to want to resolve it or chat through what’s going on (hence why I made the notes) It’s a never ending cycle!!! Help

If you need to be making notes, presumably to have evidence and reminders to yourself about what has actually happened then he is probably gaslighting you and threatening you.
It sounds toxic and you should leave.
There's also the issue of him going through your phone, invading your privacy, and thinking he has the right to do what he wants to you and your thoughts. Disrespectful in the extreme.
Keep yourself physically and mentally safe and get out.

I have been married to my DH for 29 years, and he has never behaved like this. A relationship should be of benefit to both partners. You should feel loved, respected, and safe.

Leave him and either be happy on your own or find someone who you deserve. Life is too short to be in an unhappy relationship.

Did he permanently delete the notes? Just saying because he was drunk and might have just deleted them, not gone into your recently deleted folder and emptied that too. Worth a check. And then locking your phone so he can’t get in it again.

You don’t need notes of your arguments now surely.

You need to leave him. Can he afford to buy you out? Get somewhere safe and start a lovely peaceful new life for yourself.

You have been wasting it with this nasty man.

Pack your bags and walk away.......today! His behaviour is unacceptable and this is the tip of the iceberg in terms of his controlling and coercive manner.

OP that sounds really tough

Please take a good look at how you’re being treated by your partner. It doesn’t sound good from what you’ve said. You don’t need notes to remind you of how badly you’ve been treated: you need to do what you can to stop being treated badly.

He has deleted them from my recently deleted folder too.

This.

Get a phone finger lock and start writing To Do lists to leave.

Like many others I think it's time you cut your losses, never mind having a record to maintain the high ground.

If I were you I'd put a lock/PIN on my phone. If things are as bad as you say it shouldn't make much difference but will stop that kind of behaviour.

@Als95 you need to re write these notes with the latest threat. add a passcode and head down the police station

Leave the abuse..

If you need to keep notes to back up your version of events then it's time to end it Op. He verbally abuses you then denies everything, he doesn't get to do that without ruining your relationship. Get legal advice about selling the house, I know it's hard to leave your home but it's your only tie, sell and go away and enjoy your life again

this relationship: get out. Immediately.

Next relationship: don't let them have access to your phone, always keep it locked unless you are using it.

Always: back up to the cloud. Separate the cloud from your automatic back ups unless you can control access.

Sorry this is happening to you OP. Most of all stay safe.

I have a pin lock on my phone and he knows it which is how he got into my phone.

Forget about trying to retrieve the lost notes.
You don't need permission to leave him.

You need to take advice on untangling your financial responsibilities.

You need to tell your family so they can support you emotionally as you prepare to leave.

He'll try and make you feel guilty but he's already been getting good at that so just detach emotions from your situation. Be cold and think about you.

If you feel unsafe from his threats then contact the police to get a note out on file about his threats. He can't go and delete their notes.

Know that this is the beginning of your new life and the next bit will be messy and unpleasant but it'll be better because you know there's a much better life for you.

You don't need phone notes to prove he's a dick.

Well, change your pin. Now.

He has no right to the contents of your phone. It’s private.

Leave now if you have somewhere to go. Mentally plan what needs to go into a suitcase and quickly pack, and leave, when he's out.

Don't tell him you are planning to leave. There is a high level of manipulation here and he might talk you out of it.

Then take some legal advice, and some general advice. These, plus emergency advice, are provided here.

https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/how-to-separate1/deciding-what-to-do-when-you-separate/

Good luck, and remember that you are better than this.

He sounds great. He's emotionally abusive, he's inconsiderate and disrespectful, he has no respect for your privacy. It sounds like he has a drink problem.

He's just going to get worse.

Change your PIN code.

The only thing I'd add, OP, is that whilst I completely understand why you need to make the notes in this very chaotic relationship to be able to think about what's happening and hold on to an idea of the truth, it's not something that people need to do when they're having a normal disagreement in a healthy relationship. So that's an important thing to think about when you've got the space to do it.

So this morning..
He wakes up trying to make normal conversation like nothing happened. I ask what last night was all about and he says he’s really sorry for what happened and that he was just really upset by seeing what I had down on my notes - he then went on to ask me not to write them down anymore (???!!) and it makes him think he can’t trust me… again, WTF!!! Really gaslighting me.

I’ve said I’ll be staying at families and he just said “ok” … so maybe won’t be that difficult to leave this horrid ‘situation’ship after all!!

thanks for all your advice x

You can email your notes to yourself and a trusted family member. That way they're never gone.

Fraid so, OP. Be sure to get away safely with help if necessary.

write a note about what happened last night
write a note about this morning

change your PIN. Don't let him have it. Don't use facial recognition to unlock your phone.

When you have time, try to reconstruct at least dates or a rough outline of what you've written before

But make sure you leave this gaslighting abuser. Don't get trapped with a child with him. Remember this: if he doesn't like what you wrote, he should do things like that.

do you have a trusted friend or family member. Explain what happened, about the notes, that there is historic abuse/gaslighting and that you want someone to know (because sure as eggs are eggs he will start it up again)

If you have to keep notes about arguments you should end the relationship. In a healthy relationship you can squabble and fight and then forget it and focus on the positive love you have for each other, and in that context keeping a record of wrongs is unhealthy. But it sounds like this man is an abusive gaslighting piece of shit and this behaviour just shows you need to get the hell out of there.

OP you can change your pin. Do it now.