Partner deleted my personal notes of our arguments

[Als95]

Me and my boyfriend of 8 years have been going through a really rocky few months, to the point where things get heated and he gets quite emotionally and verbally abusive (especially after a drink!)

Tonight he comes home very tipsy and loud and is crashing about as I lay in bed. He then proceeds to turn the lights on and quizzes me about why my phone is right next to me. (My phone is always on charge on the bed side table at night). I respond to say it’s charging and he doesn’t believe me and then asks to see my notes on my phone? I ask why and he says he wants to humour himself (I at this point have no idea that he has gone down my phone!)

I then leave the room and go into our spare bedroom and he shouts out that he has deleted every single note I’ve recorded about our arguments and if I do that again I’ll regret it and we will be done? (Again, lots of cursing in between!!)

Am I in the wrong? Whenever I try to speak about our arguments he never seems to want to resolve it or chat through what’s going on (hence why I made the notes) It’s a never ending cycle!!! Help

Hi OP,

You mention that you have a mortgage (but not that you are married) so the "Living Together" guide from Rights Of Women will be useful to you:

https://www.rightsofwomen.org.uk/get-advice/family-law-information/

It lays out the different ownership models for propety (joint tenants, tenants in common, etc.) and therefore what the split should be in the event of a break up. You don't mention children so a separation should be really "simple" once you have accepted that this relationship is not healthy or respectful.

Good luck. x

The moment you felt the need to write the first note was the moment you should have left.

He was all normal and chatty this morning because he wants to sweep it under the carpet. He doesn't know you going to family is the start of leaving, be prepared for him to change when he does Op

Oh 100% I know… been there and realised sweeping stuff under the carpets does absolutely nothing… I mean look at me now 🙈

thanks x

Why doesn't your phone have a lock and only you know the passcode? Change it now and then he can't snoop. Don't rely on face or fingerprint ID as he could get physical to open it up

Then set about splitting up

And never leave your phone on charge overnight

My phone has a lock and he knows it. There hasn’t been any issues before about us knowing each others passwords.. until now.

If my h came home pissed, woke me and started shouting at me, I'd dump him.

Your bf is emotionally abusive. Your relationship sounds rubbish. You deserve better.

Leave him. You might find the Freedom Programme helpful.

He thinks you're his property. Be careful leaving.

i hope everyone reading this gets the message that the very first time you feel the need to make notes about your arguments is the minute you should be ending the relationship. Either you are being abused or you are the abuser. Either isn't good.

LTB

Listen, seek other accommodation. Make a plan and go. Do not be reconciled by lure of a baby with him. He is not your friend.

What does this mean?

Leave the Bastard

Sell the house but do not give it away to him with your equity. Either buy him out or sell it

You know that deleting personal notes, although they're about arguments you had with him, was not his right. He had no justification for deleting your things on your phone. Clearly, what he did was wrong, and if he has a normal sense of morality, he likely knows it too. The question is what made him react that way and justify his actions as if he did nothing wrong?

No need for pen and paper, just get out. You don’t need the notes to tell you what an abuser he is. First step, tell your family and friends. Next, seek advice from women’s aid or legal advice if you’re married. And take first steps to leaving.

Change your lock code now a d please don’t tell him

But you need to work out what equity you have in that house. How much mortgage is there and how much is it worth? You could maybe ask an estate agent based on photos for a rough estimate, explain the situation?

If you are likely to have any equity, 2 options: you force a sale or he buys you out. Don’t just walk away if you have money in that property!

What he did was the same as reading your diary and then burning it.

That is not acceptable.

Why are you going to your family's house; why doesn't he move out? He's the one in the wrong.

I’ll be seeking legal advice.
We are tenants in common as we are not married, so that will need sorting and I will make sure I get what’s rightly mine.
I feel so much clearer about it all this morning.

Because he will dig his heels in and make a big deal out of it (says it all really doesn’t it)

I will still make sure I get what is mine out of the house.

You both seem really unhappy. Time to move on for both of you by the sounds of it.

Yep

You don't need notes, you don't need evidence, because you don't have to prove to anyone else that your partner is abusive. You know the truth and you can make the decision to leave him.

I'm sorry if someone has already said this, I've not read every reply, but you should be able to retrieve your notes.
If you don't know how just Google ' how to retrieve notes from Samsung' ( or whatever phone) They will just be in the trash for 30 days.