Partner deleted my personal notes of our arguments

[Als95]

Me and my boyfriend of 8 years have been going through a really rocky few months, to the point where things get heated and he gets quite emotionally and verbally abusive (especially after a drink!)

Tonight he comes home very tipsy and loud and is crashing about as I lay in bed. He then proceeds to turn the lights on and quizzes me about why my phone is right next to me. (My phone is always on charge on the bed side table at night). I respond to say it’s charging and he doesn’t believe me and then asks to see my notes on my phone? I ask why and he says he wants to humour himself (I at this point have no idea that he has gone down my phone!)

I then leave the room and go into our spare bedroom and he shouts out that he has deleted every single note I’ve recorded about our arguments and if I do that again I’ll regret it and we will be done? (Again, lots of cursing in between!!)

Am I in the wrong? Whenever I try to speak about our arguments he never seems to want to resolve it or chat through what’s going on (hence why I made the notes) It’s a never ending cycle!!! Help

Pretty sure i saw a very similar post to this late last year.
When you have to start making records about your arguments thats should've been a clue that the relationship is over. He alwsys sounds like an absolutely dick leave now and start living your life.

Change it.

@Als95 Hopefully you already know this but the notes are probably still in your recycle bin, and can be recovered.

You are absolutely in the wrong ... To stay with this man.

Please seek help and independence from him.

https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/the-survivors-handbook/i-want-to-leave-my-relationship-safely/

Do you have cloud? My notes are saved on my cloud.

Other PP may have said this already so apologies if I am repeating.

If you are leaving the house to stay with family, take photographs and email them to yourself before you leave. The last thing you need is for him to trash the place or cause damage that will impede a sale - at least this way if you need to cover repairs or something you can argue that it comes out of his cut.

Take all important documents with you, ID, birth certificate, banking docs, pension docs, any copies of the mortage agreement and deeds - ensure that you don't need to go back. Take anything portable that is sentimental to you.

Log out of any shared devices (laptops, tablets). Change your PIN, and change your online passwords (banking apps, email, mumsnet, Apple Pay, etc.).

If you are concerned about him kicking off or being aggressive towards you, check your GPS settings and visibility on any style of Find My Phone app, download an AirTag detection app. LEAVE any shared tech behind. This sounds extreme and I sincerely hope that it is exaggerated advice for your situation, but digital harrassment is becoming more common and devices on shared contracts/family plans are "visible" to the bill payer.

*edited for spelling

Long shot maybe, but look in ‘recently deleted’- he may have been too stupid/drunk to realise they need to be deleted from there too to be totally gone.
Not that you need written evidence of what a horrible human he is and that you should leave him right now.

Where were your notes kept? What app were you using? There's a fair chance there's a way to recover them if they have been backed up to the cloud - either google or icloud.

Has he linked your phone to his? Get some advice about securing your phone and files.

If you have an iphone then the notes might be set up to email directly to your icloud email address… mine are set up this way

Write them on a free blog website with them set to private/password protected, that way it's harder to find/destroy and you can give other people access should you need to.

This post is so powerful - having been with a probable narcissist for 10 years the image is everything! When he got arrested for becoming aggressive in my home his biggest concern was that his neighbours had seen him being handcuffed. These men honestly don’t give a shit how their behaviour makes YOU feel. They care how it makes THEM look when other people hear about it.

Please take this as your wake up call, you don’t need the notes. You need to leave. You can do it.

Classic controlling abuse
You are lucky
You've found out what he's like before the violence starts

Run
Run Now
Run Fast
Run Far
Clear out everything you own and get out NOW

See a solicitor and see how you go about forcing a sale of the property

If you're making notes like this, you're being gaslit. You're confused, you are making sense of it, he will be denying and reversing onto you. That's why you are making notes.

Now he deleted them. Seriously. This guy is not safe.

Yep. My abusive, sociopathic level ( no joke) male sibling stood over me with his fist, drunk, screaming whilst I put him up in my home temporarily. Myself unwell chronically.

With a really professional job, the only care was making it my fault.

Even our mum supported him, so no job threat.

I wish I had strength then I later found to go NC and call the Police about what he did.

These men, yep, it's usually the men. They are monsters.

Stop focussing on if you're wrong and make plans to get out of this abusive situation. It's no relationship.

You can recover your notes

It's much harder to recover self esteem

My husband has done this to me. I used to have diaries, which I chucked because he read them, and then I started jotting stuff down in notes. It's so I can remember what was actually said without him gaslighting me and making out it was a completely different scenario.

He read them. Kicked off about it and asked me what I was planning on doing with these notes.
He left me a note in return. It simply says, "Get a life."
It's the only one I've not now deleted, and I will be getting a life. Just need to get my ducks in a row.
Don't be like me, 20 years down the line, married with kids, wondering why I put up with it for so long. Take your money from your house and move on.

Defo echoing those who have said seek legal advice about forcing a sale (if necessary) and getting what you can out of the property. You’ll be told you have to keep paying the mortgage but get the house priced for a quick sale and you’ll be out of there.

Im glad you can live with family.

He sounds like a really horrible person. I would make sure you have all your documents and anything of sentimental value and leave. Take your other things to storage at the weekend.

We are tenants in common

👍

Now get legal advice.

You are new here, I take it? https://www.mumsnet.com/i/acronyms

Why spend your time writing notes, you need to speak to close friends/ family, work colleagues anyone really who you trust, and make plans to leave, see a good solicitor and do t let him bully you any more he’s obviously a narcissist and is turning all this onto you and he’s the victim (as they do) PLEASE GET OUT ASAP, before he does turn violent

This^^ I was the same please find the courage to leave him. Your life will be infinitely better without this abuser in it.