Partner deleted my personal notes of our arguments

[Als95]

Me and my boyfriend of 8 years have been going through a really rocky few months, to the point where things get heated and he gets quite emotionally and verbally abusive (especially after a drink!)

Tonight he comes home very tipsy and loud and is crashing about as I lay in bed. He then proceeds to turn the lights on and quizzes me about why my phone is right next to me. (My phone is always on charge on the bed side table at night). I respond to say it’s charging and he doesn’t believe me and then asks to see my notes on my phone? I ask why and he says he wants to humour himself (I at this point have no idea that he has gone down my phone!)

I then leave the room and go into our spare bedroom and he shouts out that he has deleted every single note I’ve recorded about our arguments and if I do that again I’ll regret it and we will be done? (Again, lots of cursing in between!!)

Am I in the wrong? Whenever I try to speak about our arguments he never seems to want to resolve it or chat through what’s going on (hence why I made the notes) It’s a never ending cycle!!! Help

❤️❤️❤️

I've seen a similar thread where people advised using a special notes app for this purpose that automatically backs notes up to a secure cloud service where they can't be deleted.

Maybe someone knows what I'm talking about and can give you the name of it x

Thank him and say you don’t need the notes now as he has made everything clear

Please be careful. It sounds like leaving is the only option. When I left, I was warned that when you leave is the most dangerous time. Make sure you take everything really important, ie passport, certificates etc.

Immediately change the password on your phone, just in case.get out, seek legal advice, don’t just let him bully you into taking the entire house you’ve been paying 50% into. He’s abusive. You deserve better. Your notes proved the pattern of his behaviour, which is exactly why he doesn’t want them there. He says he can’t trust you because if you show them to someone they will also know the pattern of his gaslighting and abuse.

Just get out now, the ducks can be organised after. Don’t let him talk you round and down any more

Tell family what happened. Honestly I'd suggest you get your sister or someone videoing you telling them what happened ON HER phone not yours.

Im saying that because when abusive men realise it's over with their whipping boy (you) they can become nasty.

A woman is at her most vulnerable when she's leaving her abuser.

Get your ducks in a row (ie secretly make a solicitors appointment. Tell her what you told us for info. Find out what advice you can from her about how to proceed. dig out any info you think I you will need (before he hides it, if your solicitor thinks that he may have any info that's relevant)

Be very careful. He maybe hasn't been violent before but if you leaving means he can't afford to buy you out snd he is losing his home snd power and control over you, he may snap.

Oh and change your PIN number. Now. He can't see your calls to a solicitor snd emails etc to one if you change your pin. Shield your phone when you enter it from any security cameras you have indoors just in case he's watching.

As you are tenants in common, you are only responsible for half the mortgage and half the house is yours by right. It will be very simple to get out of this and get your share which will be 50% of the value.

Well done on getting a TIC mortgage because this is the scenario where it makes a difference. You literally own your half in your own right.

Well he has made a threat to you and thinks you won't leave because you are too weak. But you aren't weak at all.

Now is the time to kick this abusive man out! Or just pack up your stuff and leave his life forever. Trust me - it's not what he wants. He wants you to stay so he can keep abusing and bullying you.

I've seen a similar thread where people advised using a special notes app for this purpose that automatically backs notes up to a secure cloud service where they can't be deleted
Maybe someone knows what I'm talking about
Usually deletions are stored for 30 days. They are easy to retrieve. It's usually open notes tap the 3 dots or lines, when this open , open the recently deleted and restore

sorry I havent read all the responses so apologies if this has been suggested but can you still view deleted notes and un-delete? on my phone there is a 'recently deleted' folder in the icloud. sorry edited as the previous poster as more eloquently put the same thoughts!

Just get out. This relationship is over.

Sort your finances and assets out and be done with it.

He doesnt deserve you.

@Als95 im confused as to how he knew to look at the notes on your phone? Is it known in your relationship that you keep notes of arguments on your phone?

Definitely get that legal advice asap. Good luck.

Yes, he had removed them from my deleted folder too.

You need to check your phone for spyware.

Sorry Myrtle you are wrong. Being tenants in common does not affect your responsibility under the mortgage deed. You are both responsible for all the loan, If there is any default, the bank will come after both of you and paying your half of the mortgage will not protect your credi. If a property is taken and sold due to arrears, they can and will come after both of you for any loss on sale.The lender does not care who pays. Obviously you are both in the same place, That’s why one should take care before taking out a joint mortgage with someone, even if you are tenants in common, the bank’s charge always comes first. This thing of being responsible for.half the payments is urban myth.
Speaking with 25 years in a mortgage bank and seeing the fall out from many break ups close up.
Years ago, family solicitors would explain the implications of what ‘ jointly and severally’ means. Nowadays with factory conveyancing, much has been lost.

Sorry op, but you need to be warned, in case he does not play nice. Glad you have seen the light. I was in a bad marriage many years ago, but deluded myself and others and was very young. I think the best part of mumsnet is that we can share all those experiences. I had nowhere to turn for advice and a mother who found divorce shameful. I had no kids then, got out and have made a happy and successful life. You can and must do the same. I am now a happy doting gm from a second happy marriage. Good luck op, make sure you and all your family keep their wits about them when you leave. Luckily my ex only tried to harm me financially, but my solicitor made sure I got my share. Sure that in a while you will be happy and on here sharing your wisdom with others

The fact he was clear-headed enough to think of deleting them from the recently deleted folder means that you can call bullshit on the "I was so drunk, I didn't know what I was doing" defence he will inevitably try to rely on when he realises you're serious.

@Als95 if it’s an Apple phone ask the Genius Bar support folks via chat if the can help. Do you have backups of your phone set to iCloud or something? There should hopefully be an older version of your notes saved in that case?

If you don't need your notes then perhaps they can be left behind in your old life?

Is there equity in the house?

If not can you take yourself off the mortgage & walk away?

He might be being calm atm as he wants to reel you back in.

Perhaps let him think you are just having a breather if he will become antagonistic/angry if he knows that you are leaving and do as much as you can & then just go?

Firstly you sound super unhappy, he sounds super controlling so I’d be asking if this is what you want for the rest of your life as he’s not changing.

the notes if your phone is backed up you can resent the phone back to an earlier back up, you’ll just loose anything you have done between that back up and now.

No, not pen and paper. For so many reasons. Safety and emotional energy being just 2.

You need to focus on the right thing amd the right thing is breaking up.

He comes home loudly and inconsiderately, interrogates you, demands access to your private property, doesn't like what he finds, deletes your stuff, makes threats and you, who was happy in bed, end up in the spare room because this drunken lout behaves like a controlling and threatening asshole?!

Fucking fuck him. This isn't a warm and safe homely environment and you deserve better.

Get out. Now. This won’t end well.

This! Babe you should contact woman's aid or another service like this and leave this is not good. Sending prayers

Get away

Re write them from memeory as soon as you ca

There's a reason he's still a boyfriend and not a husband after 8 years. You know he isn't the one. Life is too short to stay in such an unhappy relationship. Put him in the bin!