How long were you and your partner together before you had the DTR conversation and what did you say?

[soscaredandworried]

I've been seeing a guy for 11 weeks - we see each other once or twice a week. I am starting to develop feelings for him and I'd like to get his thoughts on where he sees things going. I know the rule is to wait 3 months but that would be another 3 weeks away. I don't want to invest more if he's not in it like I am. At the start we did both say we are dating intentionally to settle down.

Should I wait til the official 3 month mark? What should I actually say?

Agree. And who made up these arbitrary ‘rules’

On another thread someone posted that the ‘rule’ regarding paying in the first date is the man pays unless the woman tells him at start of date and anything else is her embarrassing him.

Someone somewhere laughing their heads off that people live their lives by this made up shit

I think, like me, a lot of people don't know what DTR means. Not that they don't understand the uncertainties of new relationships.

Thank you.

The whole three month thing originally came about because lots of women get very heavily invested in a man within a couple of dates when they have no idea who the man is. Then by the time they realise he's a player/emotionally unavailable/abusive they are already in too deep and cannot let go.

So people like Natalie Lue suggest that since most people are generally on their very best behaviour for the first three months, it makes sense to hang on to your heart until then and proceed with caution rather than jumping in before you know what you are getting in to. Three months is a good time to become 'official' because you will have been dating long enough for many major red flags to appear, and if all is well, you then get to see who this person is in a relationship.

There isn't some cut and dried '3 month rule' though - you don't have to hang on for an extra 3 weeks if you don't want to!

But OP, be sure you want this man in the role of your boyfriend before you rush ahead. It feels like you are trying to be picked, rather than doing the choosing. Is suited to the position of boyfriend, or are you mainly aiming not to be rejected? To me it seems like the latter, and that can cause you to overlook incompatabilities, warning signs, amber alerts and red flags in your haste to be his chosen one.

Unfortunately these days even if someone is dating you exclusively it doesn't mean you are in a relationship - these are the days of situationships and I don't want to fall into one of those

No - a 'situationship' needs to be agreed by both parties from the start so that everyone is on the same page. Otherwise you're just allowing yourself to be used.

And get called controlling if they dare to object

Me too! 1995, and we were teenagers.

DTR - utter drivel... 🙄

I am assuming that we are exclusive

Unfortunately it's foolish to assume anything, OP. Definitely best to ask. And I certainly wouldn't be waiting until 3 months

What a helpful post

No, it is the reality of dating these days, you clearly have no idea what you are talking about.

Yes you're the first person ever to have a relationship aren't you?

Idle question from aged single hag. When I started my last relationship, the three month rule was:

• he used a condom during sex to protect us both from STIs
• I used my preferred method of birth control
• when we reckoned we liked shagging each other enough to keep going, we both went to a GUM clinic and had the full range of STI/HIV/etc tests
• after they came back clear, we carried on shagging using condoms for three months
• we then did the same set of tests
• after they came back clear, we could stop using condoms. Hurrah!

Do people still do this?

What does DTR mean?

Apparently it means 'Define The Relationship' which is apparently not the same as deciding 'are we exclusive'.

Aw OP I remember the horrors of this stage of dating well. It's really anxiety provoking and it's so hard to know how to proceed.

I have had a few different situations and outcomes and now I'm married with kids and able to reflect on the whole thing, I feel like I have so much clarity (but of course I have the benefit of hindsight!)

For example, I dated one guy for around 10 weeks and we only saw each other 1-2 times a week, so sounds similar to your current situation. I started sleeping with him earlier than I had done with other guys as I just felt I was getting old and needed to sort of speed up the whole dating process a bit. Maybe a mistake but really fancied him also haha. We never discussed our intentions really... it was felt very light hearted and this made me scared to 'rock the boat'. In hindsight I realise that someone who was keen would have been a bit easier to read than he was. I would have felt less confused. He was the less available one and often was 'busy' with work, hobbies and friends. He couldn't see me much and I started to feel doubts about how much he liked me and whether there was a future but was also developing feelings. Deep down I knew he wasn't matching my energy and by the final week he was really pulling back and I basically said right what is going on. He said he has been feeling the whole thing out and actually didn't see a future sorry. Fair enough, he did nothing wrong, but I think deep down I knew way earlier than that and I wish I had felt more confident to 'rock the boat' a bit sooner.

I think 11 weeks is absolutely fine without a label (or any discussion) if you get the overall vibe that he's on the same page as you and it's clearly going well. For example, I would have been fine if this guy was meeting me more often, very keen to make plans, suggesting things we do, making the time, making references to future (even just 'we should go see that together some time) and maybe references to friends and family (you would love my friend Dave/you will see that at my sister's house one time) and just clearly really enjoying the time we spend together and expressing some sorts of emotions (even if just 'that was such a good night'). A man who is doing none of this and keep cards really close to his chest and everything just feels very mysterious and confusing and light hearted, tends, in my experience to be going nowhere :-( and I wouldn't wait around for weeks to have this confirmed to me directly. I wish I hadn't in this case. I think if you suspect, at all, that he's going down that route then I think a quick feeler is fine right now (or earlier next time) and you will just know from his response.

I also agree with PPs - actions need to match words also. That's a big one.

I read a really good saying somewhere and I cannot remember it fully but it was something like if it's love you will feel happy, if it's not you will feel confused. That really resonated with me!

When I met my husband it was just a whirlwind, the first date was fab, he arranged the next one that night, for in a few days time. We had around 6-7 dates in 2 weeks and slept together and we just KNEW we were together it was so obvious. The way we were behaving and the connection between us. It was steady, and mutual, clear, warm, kind, respectful, honest, it was just obvious. Night and day from what I experienced with the other bloke!
We did eventually discuss and define etc but there wasn't any urgency around that as it was just obvious.
I think that's what some of the PPs are getting at when they're saying all of this is not necessary (the whole 3 month thing) because honestly it tends to be SO obvious by then. We were on holiday by then 🤣 met both sides of the family etc.

Please do update the thread and let us know how you get on! Someone in your shoes may be reading this in months or years to come x

I'm crap at quoting but this is amazing advice from PP:

"But OP, be sure you want this man in the role of your boyfriend before you rush ahead. It feels like you are trying to be picked, rather than doing the choosing. Is suited to the position of boyfriend, or are you mainly aiming not to be rejected? To me it seems like the latter, and that can cause you to overlook incompatabilities, warning signs, amber alerts and red flags in your haste to be his chosen one"

I absolutely used to overlook flaws, incompatibility and just overall feeling unhappy because their emotional unavailability shifted the whole focus onto me being 'picked' and being 'liked' by them 🙈

Disco Turntable Records
Delicious Toasted Rhubarb
Dance the Robot
Discuss these Rollerskates
Donald Trump Rage

You think we lucky people somehow magically got there without anxiety and fear of rejection?

If only.

I don't want to invest more if he's not in it like I am. At the start we did both say we are dating intentionally to settle down.
So you're both looking for something serious if you meet someone you want to be serious with. Neither of you is only looking for a bit of fun. You're on roughly the same page.
But even if you both fancy each other now, neither of you can know for sure after 11 weeks if you want to settle down with one another. Maybe you think he's great - but then in six weeks' time you realise that he hates reading, and reading is your huge passion. Or you realise that he's told you every single joke he knew and now he's run out, and desn't have that great sense of humour you thought he had after all. All you can say is how you feel now - if you want to say something in words at all. Looking lustfully into his eyes and cuddling up on the sofa tells him what you feel now.
Equally, if you ask him what his intentions are now, he can't tell you for sure that this is IT for him, either. You can ask him what he feels now - but again, you should be getting some kind of signals.
A few months down the road and you might start arranging to meet family, going on holiday or talking about what names you want to call your children. But even after that, you could still go off one another or have a massive row and break up. And explicitly defining your relationship doesn't prevent that, either. There are no guarantees.

Also: even if someone says they're exclusive, it's not necessarily true. You can't sue them if you get an STD or find them in bed with secret GF no. 6 when you get home. You might feel certain that your partner is faithful, but saying you want an exclusive relationship doesn't make your partner faithful any more than marriage vows do. It's a risk you both have to take.

Nothing to stop you bringing the subject up if you want: "Kev, have you heard about this whole defining your relationship thing? No? It means blah blah blah. Do you follow any dating rules? Do you prefer to be exclusive? What do you think of the whole idea?"

Either of you could change your minds or be unfaithful. Focusing on stopping him from changing his mind or being unfaithful is pointless and puts you in the mindset of chasing after him, rather than wondering if he's what you want.

Hi everyone, I had the conversation today - said we've been seeing each other for a while and was wondering how he was feeling about things and wanted to make sure we are on the same page in terms of where we see it going, he said he isn't seeing anyone else and is happy with how things are going. Before this during the day he spoke a lot about wanting a family in the future, something I want too. So we are exclusive but perhaps not bf/gf yet although I feel a lot more relaxed about things now we've had this conversation

@soscaredandworried how can you be exclusive but not boyfriend/girlfriend?

My DC are 30 and 26. I don't think they've ever dated for three months exclusively without the other person being a boyfriend or a girlfriend.

I had sex on the first date. Second date he phoned me, we went to the cinema and that was it. Married 8 months later, been married 39 years. No conversations or anything.

What a lot of fuss. Just have a chat about it. DTR sounds like absolute guff. Then again I'm old.