How long were you and your partner together before you had the DTR conversation and what did you say?

[soscaredandworried]

I've been seeing a guy for 11 weeks - we see each other once or twice a week. I am starting to develop feelings for him and I'd like to get his thoughts on where he sees things going. I know the rule is to wait 3 months but that would be another 3 weeks away. I don't want to invest more if he's not in it like I am. At the start we did both say we are dating intentionally to settle down.

Should I wait til the official 3 month mark? What should I actually say?

Some men are wankers. Put them against the wall asap , otherwise they will have you all your life for free

Are you suggesting that most of us who have no clue what you're talking about have never had a relationship? Or even dated someone?

Needless to say, I am changing my username NOW :D

I’m sorry but that is just absolutely untrue. I’ve done the online dating stuff.

Have you ACTUALLY had this experience in real life in the UK with living breathing adult men? Or is this what American podcasts and “dating coaches” are telling you.

I’m not old and all my friends OLD & 3 of them married men they met online. I have never, ever met a real life person who has done any of this “seeing each other” then “exclusive” then “bf/gf” nonsense. You are a couple or you aren’t. End of story.

If you change from “seeing each other” to “exclusive” how bloody long is that supposed to last before you can be bf/gf??? You’d never settle down at this rate if months and months into a relationship you’re still not actually in a relationship with each other!

This is also so deeply unattractive. Chill out. It makes you much, much more appealing. There is not a chance in hell your date is doing all this fretting and hand ringing.

I think she is, yes.

So tell him that.

You are overthinking it. 'I like you, I'd like it if we did not date other people. Whaddaya reckon?'.

What does DTR mean?

You don't seem to realise you're in a bubble of people who listen to a particular narrative from particular self-styled gurus. The vast majority of young people are not out there fretting over when to have the DTR conversation or talking about situationships.

I’ve always been pretty old school in my relationships. I’m not interested in anything other than exclusive and I’ve never been after anything other than long term. So have the conversation pretty quick after a couple of dates. I’ve had long spells of singleness in my life though because men who are ok with that are few and far between.

Why won't you explain what DTR means?

If you don't have the conversation how do you know if you're 'seeing each other' or bf/gf? The point of 'seeing each other' is to decide whether you want to be bf/gf and that decison has to be made at some point

@PandorasJam if you read the thread I have - define the relationship

I am honestly not really sure why some people feel the need to be so hostile

Move over Carrie Bradshaw.

you're not really dating anyone are you?😂

Coz it's Friday night girl! Where's your date?

No, most people will have that feeling at some point. What people are not understanding is the acronym and the idea that there is a set of agreed rules about this stuff, rather than relying on common sense and people skills.

I think after a couple of wines, I’d say, look so what is this? Is this a thing? Are we going to call this exclusive and make it clear we’re not seeing other people?

Or course you risk having your heartbroken if they are vague and non commital or say something wanky like, “you’re such a good friend” but then at least you know.

I’ve been in three serious relationships in my life. Two of them weirdly told me I’d make a great mother very early on and also were keen to meet my family and introduce me to their family pretty early on. I knew what I was looking for and so did they.

This says what I was trying to say so much better. Find out sooner rather than later before you get too invested, or it’ll hurt much more.

It means "define the relationship." DTR basically calls for having a conversation in which you determine the nature of the relationship you share with someone, according to Lundquist. But it doesn't need to be as black and white as deciding whether you're choosing to be an exclusive couple or not

Then dump him and find someone who wants what you want.

Define The Relationship. I had to search it.
When you feel like it would be the right time.

I’d probably be a bit strategic (some might say lie!) about this (may get flamed for this!)… I’d say that someone had asked me out on a date and I wasn’t sure where we were at; whether he is dating other people too, as I wanted us to be on the same page….!

Er, no. Seeing each other is being boyfriend and girlfriend. Everything else is overcomplicated navel gazing.
If you are giving off even half the anxious vibes you are here, I can pretty much guarantee he will make a sharp exit if you start trying to have some kind of state of the union conversation.
It's been 11 weeks. Relax and enjoy each other's company.

Are you thinking too much into it? You don’t need a dating coach to tell you when is appropriate to discuss your feelings/ how things are going. I feel like people have just lost the ability to communicate effectively these days.

I met DP online. I was chatting to a few people at the same time. I think he was too. However after our first date I lost interest in others and naturally stopped using the apps. He apparently came off them after the first date.

it was 4 weeks later we had a chat and confirmed we were exclusive. It was a few weeks after that his dad called me his girlfriend so we had labels.

however it wasn’t a planned conversation. More we are both not seeing others want to see what happens with us. No drama etc.

my DP told me recently he wanted to have that conversation 10 mins after the first date? But didn’t want to scare me.

I sort of feel like it's pretty obvious when you're with someone and you want to only be with them - and it should be pretty obvious they want the same thing because they should be telling you, and not sleeping with anyone else.

If they only stop sleeping with other people because you've had a discussion about it - and not because they want to - I can't see that this is going to be too serious a relationship tbh.