How long were you and your partner together before you had the DTR conversation and what did you say?

[soscaredandworried]

I've been seeing a guy for 11 weeks - we see each other once or twice a week. I am starting to develop feelings for him and I'd like to get his thoughts on where he sees things going. I know the rule is to wait 3 months but that would be another 3 weeks away. I don't want to invest more if he's not in it like I am. At the start we did both say we are dating intentionally to settle down.

Should I wait til the official 3 month mark? What should I actually say?

And of course, as nerve-wracking and uncertain as the process can be, it still wouldn't help anyone to try to short circuit the process of getting to know each other, then discovering if you're compatible for the long term. A look at the 50% divorce rate shows how important it is not to go too fast. I bet a lot of those people wish they'd "wasted more time" getting to know their now ex-spouse in the first place and "wasted more time" starting over again instead of settling too fast for the wrong person.

It depends though. For some women, "wasting more time" getting to know their ex-spouse would have meant no marriage and no kids. Often people will say they regret rushing into marrying someone but acknowledge that doing so meant they had their lovely kids, which means they don't really regret rushing into the marriage. I don't know how old OP is, but there comes a point where taking a leap of faith and marrying someone you don't know inside out is what it takes to get the family you want before your fertility window closes.

Meant to tag @BigHeadBertha

Multi dating= horrible American import

I'd already moved in with him by the time we'd been together for 3 months. 😂

Deep down do you think you know the answer to this?

The clue is in how he treats you. You shouldn't need to ask.

Is he consistent? Call regularly? Arrange dates? Follow through on his word? Talk about the future?

My now ex DH moved in with me after 5 weeks and we lasted 27 years

Dating is only as complicated as people allow it to be.

It’s overly complicated modern dating isn’t it, no wonder young people find it all so stressful. When I was young you dated one person at a time and were BF/GF pretty much straight away and if you multi dated there was a specific word for that.

I couldn’t be waiting for 3 months to know it was just me and him.

Well my wife and I are lesbians, so I'm pretty sure our DTR talk happened on the first date.

Yep, we've been together for 30 years now.

Don't assume anything! You also shouldn't be afraid to discuss these things if you are sleeping together.

Even more I met DH in person, I asked for the basic standards of deleting and confirming deleted dating profiles once in a relationship, confirmed both wanted to be exclusive if we ended up sleeping together and both had std tests and showed each other results.
In some ways it's probably easier if you aren't in a relationship to do this but you shouldn't be afraid to bring these things up.

It all sounds very stifling and awkward.

On our first date we told each other our history and about some of our hopes and dreams. I knew I'd marry him the night we met a couple of months before.

On our second date we went to the theatre, had a late dinner, slept together.

We didn't really have any more dates because we were never apart again, except for work, etc.

We were 28 and 29. We are now 63 and 64.

Honestly, I think it's far too early to have the 'where is this going?' conversation. Just relax and enjoy it - you're still in the getting to know you phase! I don't think you or he have to know if this is going to turn into a long term commitment at this stage.

I don't really see the difference between exclusively seeing someone and becoming bf and gf - I think this is something that will happen organically over the next few months. You'll probably be spending more and more time together and it will just become obvious that you are a couple.

OP, we have all been in this position except back when most of us were there wasn't so many silly labels attached to everything!

Please, please stop listening to ridiculous dating podcasts or instagrammers! It's not a 'dtr' conversation you need, it's not a situationship. All this is made up twaddle for an age where we all doom scroll and allow our brains to absorb utter shit!

You like this man yeah? You think he might like you too? You have a good time together? That's not a situationship! It's a relationship. If you need more clarity on the 'exclusivity' (another made up 21st century term) just ask him! 'So, are we together properly then or what'? It's not difficult, though I imagine the amount of 'dating' rubbish you're absorbing is adding to your anxiety.

Life is hard, stop making it harder!

I'm sure we've all felt like that, daft rules or not!

We didn’t really ever have that conversation. I assume we’re exclusive after being together for 13 years but never felt the need to specifically define the relationship. We just…happened!

I am not that young, but I stressed a lot about this too OP (and whatever PPs have said, there is absolutely nothing wrong with listening to relationship podcasts- there was always drama in the beginning of relationships, it just wasn't always about this! Podcasts are very similar to the problem pages of old...)

When I bought up the whole exclusivity thing with DP at the beginning, he was shocked that I had to ask. When I asked whether we were bf and gf, he was a bit perplexed... "Well what else would we be?" So it can be easy to stress about stuff they haven't even thought about!

I am not that young, but I stressed a lot about this too OP (and whatever PPs have said, there is absolutely nothing wrong with listening to relationship podcasts- there was always drama in the beginning of relationships, it just wasn't always about this! Podcasts are very similar to the problem pages of old...)

When I bought up the whole exclusivity thing with DP at the beginning, he was shocked that I had to ask. When I asked whether we were bf and gf, he was a bit perplexed... "Well what else would we be?" So it can be easy to stress about stuff they haven't even thought about!

I think your OK to lay the cards on the table with him tbh, you would rather find out where he is than continue and it come crashing down.

Just ask him and you will know the answer. If he doesn’t want to settle and you do, then move on.

We met on the second date and happily had sex...still together almost a year later.

3 month rule...nonsense!

If you have sex and he leaves...it's not the end of the world!

Well that's not true. Of course there is going to be some anxiety about getting to know someone and risking rejection ... that was all there years ago, we just didn't put names on things, and rules. Everyone will understand the emotions, just not the current dating rules.

A ‘dating coach’?!?!
WTF?

So people that follow some sort of rules how so you know the other person is aware of the same rules?

My now husband and I got together and over time decided to get married, why does it have to be more complicated than that?

Even when I dated I saw someone for a bit it didn't work so I stopped seeing them

When we met for the first time, we spent 3 days together and didnt leave. We stayed in a hotel and it was great…
Before i met up with him, I had other dates ‘booked in’
But i met him and i really liked him
I wanted to find out what he thought about me because i didnt wanna go on dates and waste anyones time

So basically straight away
Not that we were ‘serious’ but just we werent chatting / meeting other people
Its been years now, so must of worked 😄

You live in times that are as simple or difficult as you make them in dating terms, though. You’re the one apparently obeying an arbitrary set of rules you heard on a podcast. You only need one rule. ‘Is this working for me?’