How long were you and your partner together before you had the DTR conversation and what did you say?

[soscaredandworried]

I've been seeing a guy for 11 weeks - we see each other once or twice a week. I am starting to develop feelings for him and I'd like to get his thoughts on where he sees things going. I know the rule is to wait 3 months but that would be another 3 weeks away. I don't want to invest more if he's not in it like I am. At the start we did both say we are dating intentionally to settle down.

Should I wait til the official 3 month mark? What should I actually say?

I read all your posts and you never said that at all.

Not hostile, just trying to help you help yourself.

My DH referred to me as his girlfriend when we met some of his colleagues about two weeks after we met.

That's a bit much, you aren't the only person to have ever had a new relationship. I would say relax a bit, get some courage to start a conversation about it and if he's not into that then perhaps set him free. Otherwise he's having his cake and all that. Do you think he is seeing anyone else? SM or just a lack of time perhaps some clues? Good luck most of us have actually been there!

Life was so much simpler 30 years ago!

1. Forget the 3 month rule and ask him next time you see him.

1. 'Seeing each other' IS boyfriend/girlfriend, unless I'm missing something?!

I certainly don't intend to be hostile OP, I just want to give you a hug and tell you to chill out. If it's meant to be it'll happen - I doubt many men (or women) would take kindly to being asked "so what are your intentions here then?" and being all serious. It'd give me the Ick.

I remember when we'd been going out a few months and dh drunkenly slurred "y'know what? I can see us getting married and having kids" - and I knew I had him suckered 😂

The thing is, the type of man who's dating several women at once (a dick imo) isn't likely to be honest about that if asked I would've thought!

Met DH, hung out a few times at his place. Held hands whilst watching TV and that was sort of confirmation we were dating. Moved in after two weeks...14 years and two kids later he's still my favourite person. (Cheesy I know).

Definitely simpler times. I think in any relationship worth it's salt having the conversation, even in a lighthearted way shouldn't be difficult. If it is and he reacts oddly, you have your answer so nothing to be lost from just bringing it up.

I've read and re-read all your replies, you haven't once said what DTR stands for. Could you please tell us?

I consider myself quite young and aware of this sort of thing… but I’ve never heard of the three month “rule” or the phrase DTR.
Also you say you’ve been dating for 11 weeks but would have to wait 3 more weeks for the three months mark… surely it would only be one more week?

But also if you feel ready I don’t know why you’d wait just for some “three month rule.”
My boyfriend asked me to be exclusive after exactly a month, but even before he asked I just knew.

Aka the 'where is this going?' talk, which I was never a fan of. Relationships aren't buses or trains, just let it unfold.

(Besides which, if this conversation is had too early, it can put the mockers on a relationship that might have gone the distance in time. IME anyway.)

She’s said it a couple of times… including in the one you just quoted!!!

She's said it in the post you just quoted! Also in her second post in response to someone else.

Where? I looked.

OP very clearly states in her second post what the acronym means.

Thanks everyone who is being kind and understanding. I don't think he is seeing anyone else, I'd just like clarity on whether he sees 'us' going anywhere or whether it's just good for now - we only tend to make plans a week or so in advance and there isn't talk of meeting friends or family or anything. I admit that I am an anxious person which isn't helping here but a friend of mine got badly burned by a situationship and I'd like to avoid that really.

I also wish I lived in simpler times, it is so complicated these days and I do think the dating landscape allows men to have their cake and eat it - all the boyfriend benefits without the long term commitment

I think you're getting a bit of a hard time here, OP.

There has ALWAYS been so called rules about dating (don't kiss on the first date, don't sleep with them till the 5th date, if he hasn't proposed in x number of years he never will etc). The people peddling these rules are preying on the anxious and lonely. I'm not saying you're gullible or anything like that, but when you've had crap experiences with relationships it's very easy to fall into the trap of listening to these so called experts.

Personally, we had the "do you want to get married/have children/where do you see this going" after the first time we slept together. All of the experts would say this is wrong, but that worked for us (mainly because we'd been friends for years). In other relationships, I've waited weeks/months to have a DTR conversation and its never worked out.

If you like this guy, have the conversation. If you wait and the conversation doesn't go as hoped you may be risking far more heartbreak.

Good luck!

Ah, ok, she wasn't clear because she wrote it in lower case as if she were just speaking in normal conversation. If she wrote Define The Relationship (hence DTR) that would have made sense.

I hope it works out for you the way you hope it does.

erm i think most of us who are in a relationship or married with kids have been through all this. just not in quite such a contrived and calculated way. stop listening to dating podcasts and reading rubbish. meeting someone and falling in love is not a game or something that you can learn

No it made perfect sense.

Just go on dates etc and if you want to ask him how he thinks it’s going then ask him. You can’t say a definitive time on things. Just see what evolves naturally.

I think you're overthinking it. I had no idea there are rules to follow about these things!

DTR? 3 month rule?

WTF.

You date him. You date other people too. See where things go. What's the rush to be exclusive? 3 months you barely know the guy, so how could you decide so fast to be exclusive?

It allows women to have their cake and eat it too. It's not just men who favour situationships. The guy I'm dating dropped the 'DTR' conversation on me on date #5 and has been keen to move us into bf/gf territory from the outset, but I want to keep things casual.

Also, men who seem to favour situationships tend to swiftly pivot to Relationship Guy when they meet a woman they want to lock down as their girlfriend/wife!

Absolutely everyone who has a partner has been in that position 😂