How long were you and your partner together before you had the DTR conversation and what did you say?

[soscaredandworried]

I've been seeing a guy for 11 weeks - we see each other once or twice a week. I am starting to develop feelings for him and I'd like to get his thoughts on where he sees things going. I know the rule is to wait 3 months but that would be another 3 weeks away. I don't want to invest more if he's not in it like I am. At the start we did both say we are dating intentionally to settle down.

Should I wait til the official 3 month mark? What should I actually say?

Look, don't have time to read the whole thread - we could be facing WW3...so what the hell does the acronym DTR mean??

Apparently it means 'Define The Relationship' which apparently is similar to but not yhe same as 'have the are we exclusive conversation'.

Glad I'm not dating these days!

Us too but it was the '90s and we were young.....

The right man for you is someone who you can talk to openly. Someone who will listen, be kind, be respectful.

So in a way this is a great test of the relationship. Do you feel comfortable talking to him about this? If you talk to him, does he react well?

If the answer is yes, then it's probably a healthy relationship. If the answer is no, then it's probably time to wish each other well and say goodbye.

It's completely ok to not be the 'cool girl'. Sure, I understand you don't want to beg him to be in a relationship, but there are ways of phrasing it that keep your dignity. Some suggestions from PPs above look good.

It is totally fine not to accept the 'norm' as peddled to you by podcasts or whatever. Even if everyone else is apparently doing something it doesn't matter. Do yourself. Listen to your own gut. Say your own things that are right for you. Define your own boundaries and your own timeline. You, and any resulting relationship will be much healthier for it.

If I'm being totally honest all these mad rules and definitions sound like they are rooted in misogyny so that a bloke can fuck about and then whine 'oh but we didn't DTR' 'we were just seeing each other, I was allowed to ask Julie for a BJ!' 🙄

Anyway good luck OP, I hope he's a keeper. Whatever happens make sure he's kind and gentle and puts you first.

I'm fairly confident he's not seeing anyone else

I've never been fussed about 'defining the relationship' but I do not actually get physical without having checked that we are exclusive and each free of STD.

Call me old fashioned

Stop obsessing about ‘rules’ you get from social media for a start. If you want to know the answer - ask him???

Everyone has had that experience OP

DTR = Define the Relationship

Sod the 'rules' - you sound like you are at the stage where you are spending whole days together and you are getting to the point where you want to know if this is going further as if he doesn't want to, then you will get hurt - the perfect time to have the conversation is now imo and not in 3 weeks time!

I guess my now DH and I had the DTR conversation on our first proper date - I think one of us said something like 'so are we going out now' and that was that. Background was different though, we'd been friends for ages, got drunk and slept together and then had our first actual 'date' a week later when we had the conversation.

DTR? 3 month 'rule'? Can't adults just decide themselves when it seems like the time to have a conversation?

Are young people these days (yeah I know I sound old!) incapable of figuring anything out for themselves without being told by podcasts, social media etc?

Your anxiety is from tying yourself up in all these rules.

If you want to be exclusive, tell him. There is no 3 month rule, that is in your head.

When I was dating my now partner, we’d been dating for about 6 weeks when we had “the chat”. By 3 months we’d said I love you. There are no rules or defined timelines for every relationship.

Don't be daft! You haven't invented 'dating'!

People, since the dawn of time, have been meeting, liking someone, wondering if the feeling is mutual or will they be rejected. How do you think any of us older married/coupled up people got together? Arranged by the church elders? 🙄

We just managed to navigate it without needing the advice of a dating coach/podcast!

‘Unfortunately these days even if someone is dating you exclusively it doesn't mean you are in a relationship - these are the days of situationships and I don't want to fall into one of those’

bugger my boots, who makes these rules? I thought that the ‘old fashioned rules’ of virginity, permission, marriage, exclusivity aka faithfulness had all been scrapped in favour of independent thought, equality and openness. The rules were imposed by ‘society’ ( mainly derived from men). Certainly that was what we thought in the Seventies! But it seems that humanity (or a significant minority) likes ‘rules ‘ and finds comfort and security in normative behaviour. They aren’t completely wrong, either.

Dear OP, this is not a ‘relationship rules problem’, it is a problem with your self confidence. No one, especially someone who is banging on ( pun intended) about ‘relationship rules’ on a podcast can supply that for you, although hopefully the example of everyone on here who took their courage in their hands and declared their feelings with success may embolden you.

I wish you luck.

I know what you mean. All so complicated these days. Years ago you went out with someone, assumed it was just you they were seeing and if not, fucked them off.

I think if you have feelings for him and want to know the direction of the relationship you should have the conversation. Being "boyfriend and girlfriend" should be an easy yes for him after a couple of months and valentine's together, I think!

100% this.

Hi OP, dating these days is an absolute minefield, however, I don’t think you need to make it more complicated than it is.
Met current (you never know what will happen!!) boyfriend online. What we were looking for just came up in conversation on the first few dates, and then before we went over to each other’s house (probably a month in?) , I just said “if you are staying over after we go out, I’m just checking that you aren’t seeing anyone else as that’s a hard no for me”.
Other than that, we’ve not had any “official” conversation. We are seeing each other, we have discussed future plan compatibility, we aren’t seeing other people and we’ve met each other’s friends/ family - so therefore we are a couple.
My only advice would be; you should be 100% comfortable talking to the person you are seeing and being open with them. If you feel you need to hold back for fear of “scaring them off”, then they aren’t the right person for you.
Best of luck.

As with most relationships in life - it's always easier to start off being open and honest.

‘Define the relationship’ conversation? Three month rule?

This is not a probation period in a job with prescriptive timelines, procedures and rules to follow.

What has happened that people no longer act instinctively? That they’re second guessing the next stages of the relationship instead of just seeing what happens? I am so incredibly glad to be married.

Don’t wait for three months. What if he merrily says, ooh no I’ve been getting about and just want a really casual thing! Three months is too long to find out.

Oh come on now!! 🤦‍♀️🤣🥴

You sound like you've been utterly brainwashed by ridiculous online drivel!

Grow the fuck up!

I met my OH online dating and after the second date asked do we see other people so date casually or do we see each other exclusively and see where it goes, his reply I only do exclusive so that's the way we went I came off the dating site and 11 years later we are together , mind we were in our mid fifties when we met so a bit old for playing games

The whole ‘you can’t have that chat for 3 months’ is absolute bollocks. If you’re looking for a relationship then set your boundaries from the start.

All this exclusive but not my bf nonsense is ridiculous.

3 months? Are you kidding? I would definitely want to know before sleeping together for a start.

So are the 'rules' now that men expect sex after 3 dates, but you have to wait 3 months before deciding whether or not it's relationship? Utterly ridiculous. No wonder so many women get taken advantage of.