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Relationships

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How long were you and your partner together before you had the DTR conversation and what did you say?

199 replies

soscaredandworried · 28/02/2025 17:45

I've been seeing a guy for 11 weeks - we see each other once or twice a week. I am starting to develop feelings for him and I'd like to get his thoughts on where he sees things going. I know the rule is to wait 3 months but that would be another 3 weeks away. I don't want to invest more if he's not in it like I am. At the start we did both say we are dating intentionally to settle down.

Should I wait til the official 3 month mark? What should I actually say?

OP posts:
Iloveeverycat · 28/02/2025 19:16

mynameiscalypso · 28/02/2025 17:56

Is this some new thing? DH and I met 15 years ago but we just met and then started a relationship 🤷🏻‍♀️

This is from my daughters. What happens now is you date someone and the guy can see whoever he likes for how ever long at the same time then he gets to decide whether he wants to be exclusive or not then you are a couple and don't see anyone else.

StuckBehindtheTallboy · 28/02/2025 19:16

Thing is, OP, I'm not sure many men study relationship podcasts and listen to relationship coaches.

Just talk to your chap. He's an individual.

Ramblingaway · 28/02/2025 19:21

I'd be very upfront and ask outright. At about 6 weeks in I told my other half I was not interested in 'dating'. I did not have time for somebody to date me for two years and decide again that they weren't sure if marriage was for them. I think if you aren't on the same page about stuff like money, family, kids, marriage it's going to be hard work. And I finally figured if it's hard work, it's not right. He didn't run away at 6 weeks, and is still here 19 years later. If you think talking about stuff will frighten him off, maybe he's not the one you're looking for?

ItGhoul · 28/02/2025 19:21

soscaredandworried · 28/02/2025 17:55

For all the people who are saying 'I have no idea what you're talking about' I'm very happy for you that you have never been in this position. You can only imagine the anxiety of getting to know someone, liking them and risking rejection

You need to stop listening to stupid podcasts and dating advice influencers and their bullshit made-up rules, and just act like an actual human being and say you really like him and would like to know where he sees things going between you. No need to play games. Just have the conversation.

Beeloux · 28/02/2025 19:24

I value my sexual health, if I’m sleeping with them and dating then I don’t accept them sleeping or dating other woman. I won’t be put on the side bench or waste my time while they decide if they can find a better woman.

Hence I always had the chat early on. Far too many men like to have their cake and eat it. I have much more respect for men who make it clear they don’t want anything serious and are only wanting sex than the ones who try and string you along .

mindutopia · 28/02/2025 19:24

Dh and I were dating probably 3 months before we decided we were definitely boyfriend and girlfriend. We were spending probably 5 nights a week together, but were still very young (early to late 20s). It was a very intense and serious relationship from early on, but I guess maybe if we had been, say, mid 30s we might not have been so low key about it for so long. That said, we had a lot of mutual friends and were in a very small social circle so it was pretty obvious that neither of us was dating anyone else.

venus7 · 28/02/2025 19:25

soscaredandworried · 28/02/2025 17:50

@Bigearringsbigsmile define the relationship

That seems to be the general advice on dating podcasts/articles and from dating coaches. The reasoning being 3 months is long enough to know if you want to pursue something with someone but also short enough for you to exit without too much distress if they are not on the same page as you

If you're using a dating coach......dear god.....you may be a little immature for a committed relationship.

Laiste · 28/02/2025 19:25

So you've been dating him a couple of months?

Sex?

I mean, we're all different, but once i've got naked with a bloke and am keen on him enough to hope he's not getting naked with anyone else i'll initiate the convo.

Are we exclusive? ie: you'll not seek to date anyone else (and neither will i) without breaking it off first.

The thing is, it sounds to me as if you are asking for a promise more than that. There's no way to ask someone where they see it going (past just being faithful and honest) at the three month stage. That's more a 8 month/year thing to me.

Unless you're at a time of life when you haven't got random years to throw away.

Ineedanotherholidaynow · 28/02/2025 19:29

I’d ask him otherwise he will just carry on as he is. But personally I’d rather it be them that asks me rather than the other way around but I could be being old fashioned

CanadianJohn · 28/02/2025 19:30

DTR in dating commonly refers to Define The Relationship.

Or so Google tells me

Hwi · 28/02/2025 19:32

I had it immediately - probably date 3, before holding hands. Informed I was not looking for a 'relationship', but for marriage. Also informed them I do not have sex before marriage. Immediately said I wanted to have children. I was studying and working and had no time to dick around. I have lost several guys who were freaked out and probably just wanted casual sex.

Fourpintsoffullfatplease · 28/02/2025 19:35

Sorry to say it, cos it sounds daft and takes away the power a little...
But
If he wants you to himself, if he wants to be exclusive, if he can't bear the thought of losing you to someone else,
YOU WILL KNOW.
he will tell you
He will show you.

AuntieObnoxious · 28/02/2025 19:38

My dh moved in with me after 2 weeks, I know that is extreme, but I think you know well before 3 months if a relationship has legs.
Rather than a specific timescale it’s more of a feeling. Do you want to make it exclusive and would it upset you if you found out he was seeing others?If so, have the conversation.

YouHaveAWomansHand · 28/02/2025 19:38

I think 11 weeks in is completely fine to have that conversation.
Personally I think DH and I had been seeing each other for 2-3 weeks and he asked me in a very direct way.

Crushed23 · 28/02/2025 19:41

The other thing is, you need to think about what YOU want, not just about him. Do you want to get serious / exclusive with this guy? Your posts read like you would be happy with any guy who wants to commit to you! Think about what you want from a partner - does this guy provide that? Then think about how you want to feel in a relationship and whether he makes you feel that way.

Brinkley22 · 28/02/2025 19:46

Ramblingaway · 28/02/2025 19:21

I'd be very upfront and ask outright. At about 6 weeks in I told my other half I was not interested in 'dating'. I did not have time for somebody to date me for two years and decide again that they weren't sure if marriage was for them. I think if you aren't on the same page about stuff like money, family, kids, marriage it's going to be hard work. And I finally figured if it's hard work, it's not right. He didn't run away at 6 weeks, and is still here 19 years later. If you think talking about stuff will frighten him off, maybe he's not the one you're looking for?

Totally agree with this… if it’s hard work it’s not right, in the early days especially. I dated a lot of frogs, kept trying to change them (I know!!), felt jealous, anxious, the lot. Then realised I actually rather enjoyed my own company and my friends’ and then met someone with whom it felt easy and normal and natural.

katseyes7 · 28/02/2025 19:50

God, l'm glad l'm old and very happily single now.

Sossijiz · 28/02/2025 19:51

MightyBust · 28/02/2025 18:15

You can't just make up your own three letter acronyms 😄.

Why the hell not? EED (Everyone Else Does).

BigHeadBertha · 28/02/2025 19:56

So, of course we know that all relationships didn't start out the way you're going about things. That said, I think your ideas are actually quite sensible, which if I understand you correctly, go something like this:

Discuss early on what you're both aiming for, which you did. If, for example, some guy had said he's not at all looking to get married, you'd have known to stop right there with him, instead of wasting your time and emotions on someone who simply doesn't want the same thing you do.

If he says he is looking for what you're looking for (and his actions seem to back up his words) then date each other for around three months with no commitments to each other, to get to know each other a bit before proceeding to a more serious step, which is where you're at or approaching now.

Now you're getting to the point where you've had enough time to know if, at this point, you both see yourselves ever possibly getting married to each other. I would give it the full three months because I feel like that's already a pretty short amount of time. But at about the three month mark, I don't think talking to him about where he sees the two of you headed now and about becoming definitely exclusive, will scare him off. Unless he's just not feeling that with you anyway. In which case, I think it would be smart to end it and be free to try again with someone else.

Of course you can only know what someone tells you, along with if their actions seem to match what they're saying. Also, three months is still pretty new so a commitment for now could still not work out long term. There's just no way around that, no guarantees, just clearing one more hurdle.

And of course, as nerve-wracking and uncertain as the process can be, it still wouldn't help anyone to try to short circuit the process of getting to know each other, then discovering if you're compatible for the long term. A look at the 50% divorce rate shows how important it is not to go too fast. I bet a lot of those people wish they'd "wasted more time" getting to know their now ex-spouse in the first place and "wasted more time" starting over again instead of settling too fast for the wrong person.

Some level of anxiety is very normal, in my experience. It probably just means you really like this guy and feel like he could be "The One." I do remember that stage, though for me it was many years ago. When you feel like you've found your special someone but it's simply too soon to trust that he will be your special someone for life.

So to answer your question, I'd go ahead and give it the full three months, then maybe start by dropping a hint or two and see if he picks up on it. Good luck!

BigHeadBertha · 28/02/2025 19:59

Just to add, I do also agree with those who say they don't want to have sex with anyone unless it's at least "exclusive for now," regardless of how long they've dated.

Using protection can relieve most of the anxiety about sexually transmitted disease but it can still get emotionally awful if it's not exclusive, or at least it would to me.

soscaredandworried · 28/02/2025 20:06

@BigHeadBertha thank you for such a thoughtful and balanced reply. I'll try to hold my nerve and bring it up at the 3 month mark unless it comes up in conversation otherwise. I am assuming that we are exclusive because we spend whole days together at weekends and he was with me for Valentine's Day etc plus he doesn't have much time to date anyone else due to his work commitments.

OP posts:
Newmumburnout · 28/02/2025 20:14

Define the relationship ? Podcasts? Just focus on your relationship and how you feel and speak to each other

TealOP · 28/02/2025 20:16

This sounds so complicated. And anxiety provoking for you. Perhaps follow the influencers less as I’m not sure how helpful all of these timescales and rules are.
I wouldn’t want to be with someone for 11 weeks and not know if they’re still dating other people. I’d want to know long before then for all of the reasons PP’s have said about sexual health and also whether it’s a good use of my time and effort. You won’t know if it’s a situationship for much longer, he’s not likely to commit to you for life after 3 months. You’re still getting to know each other.
If this is important to you, just go talk to him.

PriscillaQueen · 28/02/2025 20:16

soscaredandworried · 28/02/2025 17:56

@MyUmberSeal I am looking to settle down though - what if he just wants to continue 'seeing me' indefinitely?

Then you wouldn’t be compatible but at least you’ll know

hotnotgrot · 28/02/2025 20:38

Isn't it more a series of conversations?

You have sex, then establish that you both don't want to be having sex with other people

So you are informally seeing each other

Then you see how much you enjoy seeing one another for a bit and you start to discuss life stuff. I mean, at the point at which you see a holiday or weekend away in your near future, surely you have a discussion about whether this is more of a long term prospect for you, as you wouldn't want to spend money on just messing around?! Or you meet the parents, which I assume means a degree of permanence? Most people either go somewhere or meet their parents at least once a quarter so it would kind of be obvious organically?

I mean, yes, you could waste a month or so seeing someone before you realise that it's just casual for the other person, but surely that won't go on forever?!