How long were you and your partner together before you had the DTR conversation and what did you say?

[soscaredandworried]

I've been seeing a guy for 11 weeks - we see each other once or twice a week. I am starting to develop feelings for him and I'd like to get his thoughts on where he sees things going. I know the rule is to wait 3 months but that would be another 3 weeks away. I don't want to invest more if he's not in it like I am. At the start we did both say we are dating intentionally to settle down.

Should I wait til the official 3 month mark? What should I actually say?

i don’t understand this timeline. I’m not going to sleep with someone until we are exclusive and think the relationship has potential. So does that mean sex is off the table until 3 months?

Same, @FindusMakesPancakes. I don't think I've ever had a 'DTR' conversation

Ask him that exact question when you next see him then, you don’t need to wait until a specific amount of time has passed. Life is hard enough as it is, unburden yourself from these infantile ‘dating rules’ that total idiots have come up with.

How about ‘I like you, we seem to get on really well, I’d like it to be the start of something long term’ and then ask him how he feels about it.

To be honest, this is not a thought process that I, and I suspect many women of a similar age as me (early 40’s) went through. You just kind of met someone, and it either worked or it didn’t. Simpler dating times I guess.

Have you shagged yet?

I had sex with dh on our second date and then we would meet two or three times a week and get drunk and have sex. That lasted about 3 months and then we started hanging out at our respective houses and gradually started saying "I love you" and then when we'd been seeing one another for 18 months I got pregnant! Been together 20 years now.

Everything doesn't have to be a big conversation does it? Can't you just enjoy it/have fun and see what happens?

In that case I’d tell him that you respect that he isn’t looking for something committed, but you are.

“We want different things, so let’s wish each other well and move on amicably.”

Of course that would be sad and painful, but if you continue to sleep him after that conversation you would end up hurting more in future.

I must be old fashioned. I don't play the field. I date one at a time and would assume we're exclusive after four or five dates, or sex...

@soscaredandworried Dating is not a new thing; I meant more this idea that you had to wait three months to discuss the relationship. DH and I never defined our relationship because it just existed. If I wanted a relationship - rather than just casual dating - I wouldn't hang around for 3 months to see what they wanted.

I have never heard of a rule to say when you can define your relationship. There isn't a rule. Someone made it up to have something to say and others now probably just use it so they have something to say.
Just ask him if he is dating you exclusively, if yes then go from there. Noone needs to set a date to have a define the relationship talk based on a rule that someone else made up.

I think you'd find all this easier if you stopped listening to dating podcasts and "coaches".

Is this some influencer invention? Sounds all very American 🥱

I've never heard of DTR either (but have since seen your explanation!), but I didn't have this either, the first time my partner and I met we knew we really liked each other and neither of us spoke to another person from that day as we wanted to see if it would work out (four years, two children and a dog late, it has so far!) I think I would've been a bit miffed if I'd had to ask him if we could define it so far down the line (as in three months later), kind of like how much do we really like each other if we're having to determine whether or not the other person is seeing/speaking to other people. I don't think it's unreasonable to do this necessarily but I wouldn't have felt comfortable with it personally. But to answer your question, no I wouldn't wait for another x amount of weeks, you're seeing each other regularly so you're within your rights to have the conversation now I think!

Yeah I'm exactly like this as well, I feel incredibly lucky that my partner and I are of an age where things like "asking to be exclusive" didn't exist. It would feel like an absolute minefield for me to navigate this

Yes, of course we have been in that situation. But things will take their course. Having a define the relationship talk on a certain date is actually detrimental to a relationship. You could have the talk and then the person could still break up with you at any point after. In fact having such a talk might even put someone off. I think the advice is to agree upon being mutually exclusive, important for sexual purposes, then just enjoy your relationship. However long it lasts, just enjoy the person and their company and see where it leads.
The conversation can go like this 'i really like you a lot, i am really happy we have met, I just want to check tbat you feel the same as I don't want date anyone else now we have met, do you feel the same?
That is it, no more, no less. Then carry on and see how it goes.

I'm guessing it's the opposite of DNR - Do Not Resuscitate?
DTR - Do Try to Resuscitate

See this is the different between online dating and organic dating.

when you online date, you date, then get to know someone.

when you hunt for a partner down the pub or office, you slowly get to know them first, and there's local knowledge too. Yet another reason online dating is crap.

I was engaged at three months...We celebrated our 30th wedding anniversary last year. Surely when you know, you know.

Ha that’s pretty much my experience. Got off with my husband at a party, liked each other. Hung around together for a while, he stayed at mine, then bought a house together.20 years married, can’t remember having a big conversation, it’s just didn’t seem like we needed to,

Yep. It’s an Americanised internet based load of nonsense to make dating far more complicated than it needs to be and to justify shagging around because if you haven’t agreed you’re exclusive apparently.

Dating coach is a made up job and it’s all bollocks. I’ve never heard of the 3 month rule. It doesn’t take 12 weeks to work out if you’re in a relationship or not. And no way am I sleeping with a bloke who can’t decide if I’m his gf or not because we haven’t had a completely unnecessary chat.

I'm not sure not knowing what a modern acronym/set of initials means is linked to those things. Is that not just a general risk of relationships?

You can't just make up your own three letter acronyms 😄.

Snap, knew him through friends, slept together a few times, married 24 years this year.

Unfortunately these days even if someone is dating you exclusively it doesn't mean you are in a relationship - these are the days of situationships and I don't want to fall into one of those

dating podcasts/articles and from dating coaches.

Good lord, you make dating sound like a project.

Do you ever do anything spontaneously, for fun?

Just chill out and be natural.

IMO, you’d have a more productive and enlightening time gnawing your own foot off than listening to any “dating coach” or podcast. They’re all selling mumbo jumbo to different types of vulnerable people.

PP’s are right- have the conversation. My advice would be to stop overthinking it. If he just wants to keep “seeing you,” clearly he isn’t right for you, and you will find someone who is.

I put on the meetic website ( this was at my time) that I am a classic woman and want to meet a man who shares classical values and I am dating on order to get married asap and to have kids. I told this to all females around also because at this time it was only people from church groups and language classes I knew and all were foreign anyway and all were having the idea to get married with a British. Some laughed me off and said I am a diva. Who is this man that will come and date me. 3 Men turned up, 2 were a good match, one wanted only sex - a wanker trying to get me drunk on the first date and asking me what are my plans for after the meeting - get rid then and there. One was my lovely classics husband guy who was a single man of 36. He overcame the initial shock of my meetic introduction, we got together, then he started playing the game: but I don't know do I want to get married. I said: if you don't get married asap as I put in meetic and you signed up for that, I am a Ryan air flight tomorrow. Bought also the ticket. So this wanker married me , that was 13 years ago.