How long were you and your partner together before you had the DTR conversation and what did you say?

[soscaredandworried]

I've been seeing a guy for 11 weeks - we see each other once or twice a week. I am starting to develop feelings for him and I'd like to get his thoughts on where he sees things going. I know the rule is to wait 3 months but that would be another 3 weeks away. I don't want to invest more if he's not in it like I am. At the start we did both say we are dating intentionally to settle down.

Should I wait til the official 3 month mark? What should I actually say?

The next time I see them after I've slept with them I just say that I don't share my lover with other people so if he's ok with that lets carry on as we are.

Never heard about a "3 month rule" thing. I aint sharing at any time.

What does DTR mean?

What three month rule? Are you quite young because this is an odd thing to worry about.

This.

There is no rule. Ask him this weekend. Start off with, “I really like you and we seem to be getting on well” and take it from there.

I don’t know what DTR is.

@Bigearringsbigsmile define the relationship

That seems to be the general advice on dating podcasts/articles and from dating coaches. The reasoning being 3 months is long enough to know if you want to pursue something with someone but also short enough for you to exit without too much distress if they are not on the same page as you

what are you talking about?

I've never heard of these rules. If you want to know how he feels things are going just ask!

I don’t think there’s in reality any rule around what you can have a conversation about and when.

You say in your OP that you’ve started to have feelings for him and you’d like to know his thoughts on where he sees this going.

So just have that chat with him - say what you said here, you want to know so ask him.

Just ask him what he wants! Never heard of the 3 month thing

What happened to just dating and getting to know someone? Listening to podcasts and dating coaches.
Thank the gods I am old. Could not be bothered with any of that shit!

I think it was about a week and I did a very awkward "uh so now that we've slept together...I don't...um...you're not dating anyone else are you? We're exclusive" he laughed at me (kindly) and confirmed that I was the only one and he didn't want to date anyone else and yes we were exclusive.

We're now married.

There's no way I'd have waited three months. But I'm not onboard with the whole "dating multiple people" thing, I can understand a few first dates lined up but if I'm interested enough to see someone a second time, I'm not going to see anyone else.

That's not an age thing, before anyone suggests I'm old and don't understand dating nowadays - I was 26 at the time (and 30 now).

I should however have had that conversation before we slept together but honestly we'd had 3 dates in about 6 days and it was pretty clear we were not dating other people purely from a practicality perspective!

This all sounds like influencer drivel. Ignore it all.

Just do what people have always done, and see what happens.

Never heard of 3mths

i wouldn’t want him to sleep with anyone else so guess needs to have that chat before have sex

tho

if he’s a crap shag then what

For all the people who are saying 'I have no idea what you're talking about' I'm very happy for you that you have never been in this position. You can only imagine the anxiety of getting to know someone, liking them and risking rejection

Is this some new thing? DH and I met 15 years ago but we just met and then started a relationship 🤷🏻‍♀️

@MyUmberSeal I am looking to settle down though - what if he just wants to continue 'seeing me' indefinitely?

If you have to ask he’s just not that into you

Podcasts, dating coaches? God, I'm so glad I'm old.

No, many if us have experienced this - it's just part of life!

@mynameiscalypso yes these days it's 'seeing each other', then becoming exclusive (haven't actually had this conversation but I'm fairly confident he's not seeing anyone else and then officially becoming bf/gf

I think people are referring to this imaginary 3 month rule, not the situation that you are in.

Okay i am am oldie who has been married 20 years and together with DH (who is even older) for 24 years.

We met, had a date, had a second date, had sex and I moved in that day. No big discussions, no rules and nothing but taking it as it came and felt right.

With previous relationships that did not just feel right yes there were discussions about 'being exclusive' which is what it was called in my day. But once it was right, ir was just right, if you know what I mean.

If you are having sex and want to not have sex with other people and don't want him to have sex with other people then I'd be pretty up front about that. But this idea of 'rules' and 3 month amrks- that is a nonsense I think. Honesty and openness is a pretty important part of relationships, and if you can't be frank then I'd wonder if it is worth it.

Christ I'm glad I'm not dating nowadays.

Thats the exact same scenario millions of women before you have gone though. of course we understand.

If he does'nt want to be faithful, you have to make a choice. Some women are quite happy to share