Would I be an awful person to walk away now?

[randomraindrop]

Ive been dating someone for almost a year. It was all great until a couple of weeks ago when we had a row and over something silly, he then proceeded to do things intentionally to annoy me for the rest of the day, really silly petty things, but things he knows annoys me. I confronted him on his passive aggressive behaviour and he was really dismissive, it was so completely opposite to the person I thought he was. I asked him to leave, which he did. Few days later when things calmed we talked, he seemed genuinely sorry and took responsibility and I decided to see how things went for a bit.
I really struggled to let it go as it's changed how I see him and I've started to see red flags I hadn't noticed before,

He came over for the weekend the other week and I wanted to talk about things not working. He wasn't well when he arrived so I left it. We ended up in a&e early hours of the morning. And he ended up having surgery on the Saturday evening. He's at mine and fine but without being too outing and going into too much detail, there's some short-term consequences to his illness, that aren't very nice and while eventually he'll be back to normal, for the foreseeable he won't. He's perfectly capable of looking after himself and he doesn't seem too phased by it (I almost feel like he quite likes the attention that comes with it). But he's off sick from work (which he has to be), so he's been here for almost 3 weeks now.

I just can't cope anymore, everything is winding me up, he's made space in my wardrobe, cleared out a drawer rearranged things to fit his things in, I never agreed to this, he lives over an hour away, he went home (he can drive) and packed a huge suitcase and came back, we didn't discuss plans, I feel like he's just moved in. I got home from work tonight and he's got 3 of his mates here, I wouldn't mind if he'd asked but he's fully made himself at home.

I've been off and snappy, I've not been my usual jokey, cuddly self, I've been cold and closed off and he hasn't even noticed.. he just talks at me like everything's totally normal.

I don't feel like I can face him, I don't want to be talked round like last time. I want to go out tomorrow and text and say pack all your things and leave my house. Does that make me a really horrible person? What do I do?

I'm not really a shy, holding back kind of person so I don't know why I'm tip toeing round this but something is just making me uncomfortable.

What would you do if you was me?

I'd do exactly that. Go out have a nice lunch and text him to leave by the time your back. Get rid. Don't doubt yourself !

It's over, you've got the ick, don't second guess yourself

I think I'd want to be there when he left so I got my keys etc back (assuming he has one). Definitely think you should get rid - sounds hideous

I agree with @User0ne I wouldn't want to leave him on his own.

But get rid, that is so disrespectful. You will never get back from the ick

If he is well enough to do a two hour drive to pack a large suitcase and carry it to his car, I would say he's perfectly capable of managing his ill health at his house. The fact he's just decided to move in and treat your home like his own without any prior discussion or agreement smacks of entitlement and disrespect. I would not be happy. Tell him to pack his large suitcase and take it and his mates and get out!

Dunno why you've tolerated it this long tbh.

He doesn't live there so who does he think he is just moving in!?

Fair enough for a week if you'd agreed to it whist he was recovering but he's taking the piss now.

Can you imagine if a woman just moved into a man's house and cleared out his closet to make space for her things?!

Tell him its time for him to move out because you want your space back now.

You don't need to so the break up at the same time as that may cause drama from him and make it harder to get him out.

Just tell him you're finding it a bit clingy.
Clingy is your key word. Men don't like to be told they're acting like teenage girls. Or rather, the way they think women act (when lets face it, usually blokes are the smothering ones. Case in point).

Get him out of your house first of all before making any decisions. Unless you're out of the relationship, then just end it.

Keep it simple. I'd tell him in the morning so he can get out to fuck that same day.

I've been finding you staying here more difficult as time goes on. I'll need you to go home today please as I really need space. Thank you

The relationship is over, you’re not moving in, please leave should cover it and ring the police if he doesn’t

You are allowed to end a relationship for any reason at all if you want to .It doesn't make you an awful person.

He's moved in by stealth, definitely end it!

Tell him it'll cost him 2000 a month to live there, that should make him hotfoot it back home.

I would ask him to leave and start packing up his stuff and book him a taxi if he’s not going to make any moves himself. Ask family or friends to come over if needs be.

This is so unlike me, but I think it just spiralled because he was unwell I didn't say anything. He has regular appointments but because he was at mine when he took ill he's being treated in my local hospital and they've said they won't discharge him back to his own county until after the next procedure. So he's stayed here as it did make sense and pre argument I loved having him around and I'd come home to my dinner cooked, house cleaned so it was nice but since the argument I just feel suffocated.

He was the perfect guy, and in hind sight that was the biggest red flag because if that was genuine he wouldn't have been so intentionally cruel multiple times following the argument. If we'd had a row, even said things in anger that's one things but to continue it with all the little actions throughout the day which seem like nothing but they were done on purpose to annoy me. For example I hate the lamp on opposite the tv when we're watching it at night as the reflection annoys me, so I always turn it off when we settle to watch things, that day he went and turned it on. He's never done that before, he knows it annoy me so it was very intentional.

Yes you're perfectly reasonable to end it. He's de facto moving himself in without discussion 😮

Text him when you're at work and say you've looked at bills etc and can he set up a standing order starting today to pay £xxxx into the account each week he's staying there.

See what happens

A cocklodger who wants to be taken care of and seemingly has decided all on his own that he's moving in! And inviting his mates around too with no prior discussion with you, no less!

The entitlement is off the radar!

Get rid, don't look back. DO NOT feel guilty OP - as women we're conditioned to be nurturers and as such, when we find ourselves saying "no", we often feel guilty. We shouldn't. We do not need to allow these men to take the piss. He sounds repulsive.

OP - I stayed with a man for 2 years too long because he got sick and he used his health as emotional blackmail,

I ended up miserable because I stayed for the wrong reason. I don’t want to be the woman who walked away from a man after major surgery but in the process I lost a lot of myself.

If I had my time again, I would have left and let his family deal with his health problem.

I can understand why you want him to leave, but if you've been in a relationship with him for a year, at least show him the decency of ending it face to face. To just go out and text him to tell him to leave is incredibly cowardly.

Urgh End it. He sounds annoying. Life is too short to be with someone who gets on your tits. Imagine setting up camp in your home, what a cheeky fecker!

Get his stuff out and get him back in his own home! You're not his paid nurse!

I think you should be thanking your lucky stars that he’s shown you his true nature now, rather than keeping it hidden until he’s convinced you to let him actually move in.

He’s trying to take over your home. How fucking dare he just move in by stealth?! Personally, I’d go and pack his suitcase for him now. Not because of any silly idea about you doing it nicely, but because if you present him with a packed suitcase and tell him you’re done and he has to go, he’s not going to have the excuse of needing to pack, during which he’ll use every trick in the book to guilt trip and manipulate you into letting him stay. Give him a packed suitcase, tell him you’re not ready for this level of clinginess, he’s driven you to the stage where you can’t bear being in the same room as him and you’re done. If he starts to protest, put it on the doorstep and tell him that you will call the police if he doesn’t leave immediately. Then get the locks changed urgently.

Why don't you just tell him how you feel?

Agree you're far from awful. He can drive himself and has plenty of friends. It isn't an emergency. I would do it while he's there though, not a text, sorry. Makes sure keys returned and no dribs and drabs of belongings or excuses to be in touch.

Inviting people into your home nit ok

he can drive for hours , do self care so why has he moved in ??

Think you just have to say that : weeks is long enough, he can drive himself home with his case packed and stay there.

Who does he think he is? In his head he’s moved in so kick him out asap before he gets his feet too far under the table

3 weeks!
Don't leave him in your house alone.
Invite a mate round. Say ' look Bernard, I need my house back! Let me help you pack this morning and you can be home by lunchtime. Also, can you transfer me £1k to cover all the costs, hospital visits, parking, extra cleaning and your mates costs.'

If he leaves anything behind, pack it up and send it on. Change your locks and check your credit report.

When he has gone, and home, you can say you need a break as ots all been very full on. Which is true. His hospital admin is not your concern.

Tbh, it sounded over before he arrived poorly. Anyway, who goes to stay with a lover when poorly? How odd. Did he know he might need care?