Would I be an awful person to walk away now?

[randomraindrop]

Ive been dating someone for almost a year. It was all great until a couple of weeks ago when we had a row and over something silly, he then proceeded to do things intentionally to annoy me for the rest of the day, really silly petty things, but things he knows annoys me. I confronted him on his passive aggressive behaviour and he was really dismissive, it was so completely opposite to the person I thought he was. I asked him to leave, which he did. Few days later when things calmed we talked, he seemed genuinely sorry and took responsibility and I decided to see how things went for a bit.
I really struggled to let it go as it's changed how I see him and I've started to see red flags I hadn't noticed before,

He came over for the weekend the other week and I wanted to talk about things not working. He wasn't well when he arrived so I left it. We ended up in a&e early hours of the morning. And he ended up having surgery on the Saturday evening. He's at mine and fine but without being too outing and going into too much detail, there's some short-term consequences to his illness, that aren't very nice and while eventually he'll be back to normal, for the foreseeable he won't. He's perfectly capable of looking after himself and he doesn't seem too phased by it (I almost feel like he quite likes the attention that comes with it). But he's off sick from work (which he has to be), so he's been here for almost 3 weeks now.

I just can't cope anymore, everything is winding me up, he's made space in my wardrobe, cleared out a drawer rearranged things to fit his things in, I never agreed to this, he lives over an hour away, he went home (he can drive) and packed a huge suitcase and came back, we didn't discuss plans, I feel like he's just moved in. I got home from work tonight and he's got 3 of his mates here, I wouldn't mind if he'd asked but he's fully made himself at home.

I've been off and snappy, I've not been my usual jokey, cuddly self, I've been cold and closed off and he hasn't even noticed.. he just talks at me like everything's totally normal.

I don't feel like I can face him, I don't want to be talked round like last time. I want to go out tomorrow and text and say pack all your things and leave my house. Does that make me a really horrible person? What do I do?

I'm not really a shy, holding back kind of person so I don't know why I'm tip toeing round this but something is just making me uncomfortable.

What would you do if you was me?

From what you’ve written I get the sense this is because you are afraid he will retaliate in some way - small or big. Given he retaliated in petty ways over a small dispute and later saw fit to invite three mates to your house without running this by you - in my view a dominating or intimidating sort of step - you might be right.

Do you have a friend or two who can be with you whilst you tell him it is over, he is to move out and pack him off in a taxi and get your keys back? I hate to say it but if you have a male friend or family member you feel able to confide in who is able to be in your house at the time he might be too ashamed to act out.

Because he's dangerous. Your gut knows it. Our instincts are spot on it'd just we've been trained not to listen to them for the sake of being nice.

If you're uneasy it's because he's a risk.

Which is perfectly logical because of course a man who does things to spite you is capable of doing worse. Normal people don't do calculated spiteful shit to other people.

The hospital thing is nonsense. He never should have given them your address. Makes me wonder of he knew you were about to tell him it was over tbh.

Get him out of your house ASAP. Then change yo locks. Then dump him somewhere public or via phonecall. Ideally with someone else present.

Never ever ignore 'uneasy'.
Trust it. Take no risks.

Anyone who makes you feel uneasy and has previously demonstrated acting out of spite, isn't owed anything. It may feel shitty not to dump him in person but women are murdered for leaving men all the time. Ops saftey comes above being nice.

Do you really think a spiteful person will just let it go because she's dumped him in person instead of over text? Of course not. He'll find something else to be mad about. Like dumping him while he's 'still recovering'.

Never let fear of appearing cold put you in harms way. Be the biggest bitch in the whole world if you have to if your gut so much as gives you a twinge of trepidation about saying what you need to to them in person.

Get rid straight away. You don't want to find that he's handed in his notice where he lives and effectively holds you hostage because 'I've got nowhere else to go'.

This happened to me once when I was very young. It just ... Happened. I wasn't asked, consulted, it was never discussed, just ... there he and his stuff were. In my flat. It can feel overwhelming.

The day I made my statement I can actually still see - I'm standing in front of my bedroom mirror in a white bathrobe and hair towel staring at my reflection willing myself to do it, heart thumping. Then I go to the sitting room and casually say 'how are you getting on with finding a new flat?'

He went the next day and it all fizzled out.

Thing is, if you provide the prospect of a comfy cushy resource, they'll use it. They'll push and push and test the boundaries, and the 'be kind' bullshit we're fed from childhood will make us meekly accept them being bulldozed.

Start talking in terms of 'when you return home'. 'When you go back.' 'We never intended this to permanent, just til you're recovered and back at work.' Brisk and businesslike references to timescales and plans.

Start regaining your space in the cupboards and drawers. Put more stuff in there. Push back, take back.

Do not do his washing, ironing, tidying up after him.

And I wouldn't start talking about splitting bills or paying his way because he might take that as an invitation to formalise his arrangement and assumptions.

You do not have to let him do what he wants and it does not make you a bad person if you assert your boundaries.

How are you tonight?

This is a stealth invasion by a man who uses petty little acts of revenge over little things. You're right to feel troubled over doing a big thing.

Reading your posts again, I'd say tell him tomorrow.

Do you have anyone who can come round tomorrow and be with you; brother, friend, colleague?

If he's well enough to drive an hour, pack a big suitcase, carry it to the car, drive an hour back, socialise with friends - he's well enough to look after himself.

Agree with PP's I'm afraid OP, you're hesitant to speak up because his mask is off and you're seeing a different side to him, one that's rightly ringing alarm bells. I would definitely be getting friends/family round in the morning and insisting he packs his stuff and goes. Don't ignore those alarm bells, get him out safely and then dump from a distance.

If he's well enough to be driving around then he's well enough for you to finish with him

Get friends/family round and able to stay as long as it takes tomorrow and get him out. Don't do it on your own just the 2 of you.

Honestly, and without hesitation, I'd pack his bags and change the locks. It would be over. No explanation necessary. He knows why.

I agree about get him home, get space, change locks if he has a key, then finish the relationship. Right now you just need him gone from your house.

If he's so poorly then how did he go back to his and pack a massive suitcase. Bin him off.

Trust your instincts. It sounds like the shine has come off and he's revealing his true cocklodge self.

What were the other red flags you have noticed?

Get a friend round, and get him to fuck off.

He absolutely can transfer his care back to services in his local area, it will be a faff but it is totally possible, hospitals cannot stop someone having to move house and people routinely have surgery in one location then care is transferred back to where they live.

Do not let that stop you from booting him out.

Just say that things are not working out for you and you no longer have the capacity to carry on in the relationship. For the sake of everyone, it is best that he move out and recover in his own place as it is starting to affect your well being. Thank him for the time spent together and wish him well. Bye! Bye!

Makes me wonder of he knew you were about to tell him it was all over tbh. This is a very good point. He knew he was getting really unwell before he headed to yours. I would also get someone male over to help him move out. You feel apprehensive because he’s shown you who he is. And you don’t know how dangerous that may become.

So let me get this straight... You're suggesting dumping someone you've been dating for a year by text?

It's quite clear like you don't want to be with them anymore, but the inability to challenge his behaviour (acting cold and distant and not using actual words is not sending any kind of message) suggests you have a communication issue on your side.

I've had a female friend do this to me repeatedly, and... it's just very, very poor.

By all means do that if you feel unable to communicate directly, but I also think you need to address your own inability to no communicate in a way other than text. If small things annoy you, you need to use words. Looks and eye rolls are not communication, and not mentioning the small things escalate to big things. If something annoys you, you need to say. People aren't as good at reading body language and behaviours and interpreting them in the may that you mean it as you think.

The fact that he acted without asking you anything, i.e. deciding to stay with you for weeks without a mutual discussion, suggest communication, or lack of, is ultimately why this has come to an end.

It could have started with 'darling, what's the suitcase for?' But probably even earlier.

Get rid by all means, but breaking it off by text after nearly a year is the nut low.

Text or phone call, it sounds better for the op to be in a different location. It might not be considered very nice, but safety is a main concern and avoiding an unpleasant argument where he wants to know why, op tells him, he disagrees, etc.

He is not going to morph into a nice bloke when she gives him his marching orders.

Yes get him out first by saying that you're not used to having someone there all the time so need time to yourself (and get him to take his things).

Once he's gone then tell him it's over and get the locks changed!

Just this. Say goodbye calmly and ask him to leave. Offer to drive him home if he can’t drive - but so t carry on the relationship out of pity and so t end it be text - tell him.
good luck x

Tbh OP he sounds like my covert narcissist exDH, they are extremely manipulative, great at 'talking you round', getting in your head and making you feel guilty, unreasonable and second guessing everything you do. He too would have grabbed at any opportunity to just move into my house without having to ask, he was a master cocklodger.

Be strong, trust your gut, get him out before you waste 10yrs on him like i did 🙈

No needs a reason to end a relationship whether a woman or a man, if it is over it is over

Get the locks changed as soon as his sorry arse goes, he could already have copies of your keys.

I only got to ‘dating for a year’. The whole point in dating/ boyfriend stage surely is that they are on trial? He’s failed his trial so he gets dumped.