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Original poster

Would I be an awful person to walk away now?

198 replies

randomraindrop · 21/02/2025 20:08

Ive been dating someone for almost a year. It was all great until a couple of weeks ago when we had a row and over something silly, he then proceeded to do things intentionally to annoy me for the rest of the day, really silly petty things, but things he knows annoys me. I confronted him on his passive aggressive behaviour and he was really dismissive, it was so completely opposite to the person I thought he was. I asked him to leave, which he did. Few days later when things calmed we talked, he seemed genuinely sorry and took responsibility and I decided to see how things went for a bit.
I really struggled to let it go as it's changed how I see him and I've started to see red flags I hadn't noticed before,

He came over for the weekend the other week and I wanted to talk about things not working. He wasn't well when he arrived so I left it. We ended up in a&e early hours of the morning. And he ended up having surgery on the Saturday evening. He's at mine and fine but without being too outing and going into too much detail, there's some short-term consequences to his illness, that aren't very nice and while eventually he'll be back to normal, for the foreseeable he won't. He's perfectly capable of looking after himself and he doesn't seem too phased by it (I almost feel like he quite likes the attention that comes with it). But he's off sick from work (which he has to be), so he's been here for almost 3 weeks now.

I just can't cope anymore, everything is winding me up, he's made space in my wardrobe, cleared out a drawer rearranged things to fit his things in, I never agreed to this, he lives over an hour away, he went home (he can drive) and packed a huge suitcase and came back, we didn't discuss plans, I feel like he's just moved in. I got home from work tonight and he's got 3 of his mates here, I wouldn't mind if he'd asked but he's fully made himself at home.

I've been off and snappy, I've not been my usual jokey, cuddly self, I've been cold and closed off and he hasn't even noticed.. he just talks at me like everything's totally normal.

I don't feel like I can face him, I don't want to be talked round like last time. I want to go out tomorrow and text and say pack all your things and leave my house. Does that make me a really horrible person? What do I do?

I'm not really a shy, holding back kind of person so I don't know why I'm tip toeing round this but something is just making me uncomfortable.

What would you do if you was me?

OP posts:
FiveBarGate · 22/02/2025 08:54

randomraindrop · 21/02/2025 21:02

I honestly don't know, I don't usually have an issue saying what I think and I had no problem telling him last time. I don't know why I just can't face it, I feel really uneasy and worried for some reason. I can't really put my finger on it.

Show quote history

Perhaps you need to do a two stage break up.

The priory is to get him out of your house. I'd tell him that you are finding it suffocating and need some space. That would be a perfectly reasonable request.

Send him back to his own house and take the rest from there. His reaction may well end the relationship anyway.

I think after a year to do it by text would be unfair and you risk making him angry in your home.

Original poster
randomraindrop · 22/02/2025 09:03

Morning all! Thanks for the great advice, I'm considering my options. I want him out today I just need to decide how to do it.
He does have to continue treatment at my hospital, I was there when the consultant said that. but it's not so far away that he can't get himself there from his own house, the 3rd March is the final appointment at which point they'll transfer him back. I was thinking I'd wait until that point but last night was the final straw!

OP posts:
frozendaisy · 22/02/2025 09:04

OP have you got a male anyone to be with you when you tell him?
Friend and partner who can swing by as you are waiting for him to collect all his stuff together? Meaning they will be in a car waiting until you message “now”
“hi guys yes nearly ready just waiting for cocklodger to gather all his stuff together”

it’s easy to see why you are uneasy
brought a BIG suitcase - clearly decided he was just allowed to stay for a while
made space in wardrobe - indication of equal rights in your clothing space
signed off work so can fully get feet under table - before “it’s pointless paying for two places” his decision alone
he pushed you being petty and there he is you accepted it in his mind so he can enjoy himself pushing a bit more
now friends round without asking

yeah it’s ramping up OP I get your unease

but you can get him out
you have to

you don’t have to say anything else but ‘you need to go home today, it’s not up for debate I’ll help you pack”

StMarie4me · 22/02/2025 09:10

Can't believe he had the cheek to have mates over. I'd have sent them, then him, packing there and then.

You need to rip the band aid off and just do it, op.

Hamletscigar · 22/02/2025 09:13

Great. That nervy feeling you have suggests that you will, in hindsight, recall other weird things about him

pictoosh · 22/02/2025 09:13

Just here to offer support, even if it's online.
Like the others say, you feel uneasy because your instinct is bristling. You have had an insight into his personality that reveals him as a risk.
The very best of luck getting him out today. You have every right to tell him to leave.

TammyJones · 22/02/2025 09:17

Maybe just send him home for space and see how you feel.
The light reflecting off the tv is a no
I'd have moved it to a different spot, but for myself not him.

2021x · 22/02/2025 09:19

A fear response can also be “fawning”… I.e making someone you find threatening overly comfortable, but in reality you can never please them because you aren’t the problem.

Tcateh · 22/02/2025 09:23

He'll be absolutely fine getting to his 3rd March appointment.

My two nearest hospitals are both an hour+ away from home.

It's not a problem for him to use and he's getting better.

So tell him that if he tries to make it an excuse.

Thisismynewname23 · 22/02/2025 09:31

I hope it all goes ok today, maybe warn someone what you are going to do and have them pretend to call by just to make sure everything is ok… could he turn nasty?

BlueSkies1981 · 22/02/2025 09:31

Please don’t wait- do it now! Speaking from experience of a partner not dissimilar to what you see describing! Please let us know you are ok x

pictoosh · 22/02/2025 09:34

Silly question but...his mates, if he lives over an hour away, where did they come from? Do they live an hour away too...or are they friends that work near to you or something like that?

Without knowing how it came about, it sounds as though he organised a night in at your place without consulting or warning you...unless they all just happened to drop in last minutey.

If it was pre-planned with no consideration for you that is quite revealing. He's taking liberties with your space which is domineering. Seems innocent enough on the face of it but sends out a clear message of intention to diminish your role in your own home. Taking away your choice and replacing it with his, no questions asked.

Very arrogant.

Burntout101 · 22/02/2025 09:46

Bernard 😂

RobinHeartella · 22/02/2025 09:47

I hope it goes ok op. If you have someone (or multiple people) who can be round when you tell him, I think that's a good idea. Even if they're in a different room while you're talking to him.

Imbusytodaysorry · 22/02/2025 09:48

@randomraindrop i would just go in all casual this morning with a cuppa . Say you would like him to head home today you need some space .
He’s been there for weeks and you hadn’t planned for it mentaly. .

I wouldn’t say anymore for now .
Enjoy your weekend then end it on Monday.

Why are you worried ? Do you think he will do something specific?
This is why I’d go causal until you get him
out . If it escalates then that’s on him. If need be just call the police .

KateShugakIsALegend · 22/02/2025 09:48

Either pack his stuff for him or get someone to be with you when you tell him the holiday is over.

He has to go, today.

YourChirpyFatball · 22/02/2025 09:50

I was in this situation. As soon as I picked up phone to ring Police he was gone. Good luck! 🍀

CousinBob · 22/02/2025 09:51

I agree with PP. For now, just tell him you need the head space and he has to go home.

KateShugakIsALegend · 22/02/2025 09:51

.... Two stages sounds good. As does changing the locks....

Hollietree · 22/02/2025 09:51

I agree that you should be really breezy this morning - explain you are feeling a bit overwhelmed and could do with a weekend to yourself, just need to chill and recharge your batteries on your own. Ask him to go home today (with his belongings).

Then take a few days to decide for sure that you want to end the relationship.

couchparsnip · 22/02/2025 09:51

Well done OP for making the decision. Sounds like it's the best thing for you for end it now. You weren't sure about him before and it's got worse.

Echoing the PP who said you should have support when you tell him to leave, you're already uneasy about him and he's managed to talk you round before so you need someone to keep you resolute. And possibly to protect you if he gets nasty. Several friends would be good. Most of us would do that for a friend so I am sure you will find people!

Maurepas · 22/02/2025 09:59

One can transfer to other hospitals -I have done it.

Lampzade · 22/02/2025 10:00

Op, please tell this man to leave .
Call him an Uber.

dapsnotplimsolls · 22/02/2025 10:01

Can you get a friend to come round at short notice? I agree with PPs that you need someone there.

Belaymehearties · 22/02/2025 10:07

You have the ick and it's not working out. So tell him.

If he can pack a suitcase and drive he can repeat that and move himself back to his previous accommodation. Make sure you get your key back or change the locks.