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Original poster

Would I be an awful person to walk away now?

198 replies

randomraindrop · 21/02/2025 20:08

Ive been dating someone for almost a year. It was all great until a couple of weeks ago when we had a row and over something silly, he then proceeded to do things intentionally to annoy me for the rest of the day, really silly petty things, but things he knows annoys me. I confronted him on his passive aggressive behaviour and he was really dismissive, it was so completely opposite to the person I thought he was. I asked him to leave, which he did. Few days later when things calmed we talked, he seemed genuinely sorry and took responsibility and I decided to see how things went for a bit.
I really struggled to let it go as it's changed how I see him and I've started to see red flags I hadn't noticed before,

He came over for the weekend the other week and I wanted to talk about things not working. He wasn't well when he arrived so I left it. We ended up in a&e early hours of the morning. And he ended up having surgery on the Saturday evening. He's at mine and fine but without being too outing and going into too much detail, there's some short-term consequences to his illness, that aren't very nice and while eventually he'll be back to normal, for the foreseeable he won't. He's perfectly capable of looking after himself and he doesn't seem too phased by it (I almost feel like he quite likes the attention that comes with it). But he's off sick from work (which he has to be), so he's been here for almost 3 weeks now.

I just can't cope anymore, everything is winding me up, he's made space in my wardrobe, cleared out a drawer rearranged things to fit his things in, I never agreed to this, he lives over an hour away, he went home (he can drive) and packed a huge suitcase and came back, we didn't discuss plans, I feel like he's just moved in. I got home from work tonight and he's got 3 of his mates here, I wouldn't mind if he'd asked but he's fully made himself at home.

I've been off and snappy, I've not been my usual jokey, cuddly self, I've been cold and closed off and he hasn't even noticed.. he just talks at me like everything's totally normal.

I don't feel like I can face him, I don't want to be talked round like last time. I want to go out tomorrow and text and say pack all your things and leave my house. Does that make me a really horrible person? What do I do?

I'm not really a shy, holding back kind of person so I don't know why I'm tip toeing round this but something is just making me uncomfortable.

What would you do if you was me?

OP posts:
zingally · 22/02/2025 12:24

If he's well enough to drive home, pack a suitcase, lug it into the car and drive back to yours again. He's well enough to look after himself in his own home.

There's nothing wrong in deciding a relationship isn't right.

snotathing · 22/02/2025 12:43

I feel really uneasy and worried for some reason. I can't really put my finger on it.

You are afraid of him and how he'll react. You've seen a nasty side to him. He needs to go, just do it today. Then change the locks.

plantpottie · 22/02/2025 14:07

BoredZelda · 22/02/2025 12:01

Everybody here saying it's not fair to him to just text, has he been fair to her? Did he sit down and talk to her nicely about moving in and inviting his friends?

These kind of responses show how many women are conditioned to be nice above all, and not see what's in front of them.

It makes total sense to be careful and manipulate a situation where he thinks it's just him moving home, (although I'd be getting a mate round and telling him just to go and never come back) but to say it's not fair to him is a really poor response.

It was being nice and not speaking up which got her into this situation in the first place.

I agree. The op sound like she's scared of him and his reaction, he's already moving himself in without permission and started taking over the place, topped it all off by bullying the op in her (their!) home!!

I'd dump him by any which way at this point. You can always send his things back to him in a taxi if needs be.

I can't believe he's just moved himself in and taken over!!!

Sodthesystem · 22/02/2025 17:18

The whole hospital thing too - he could have just stayed overnight the day before/after the appointments. There was no need for him to move into your home for 3 weeks. Certainly not by the time he'd recovered enough to go home and pack a suitcase!

It was just an excuse to monopolise your space.

Be aware he might ask to stay over on that 3rd of march date. Just give it a sort of non committal, airy 'that should be fine' and change the subject until he's out. Then break up.

Don't feel guilty about it. He's shown he doesn't respect your space or you so a white lie for a day until he's gone and you can dump him is absolutely fine.

Don't let him guilt you into staying. He can get a hotel if he feels it's too much driving. Your home isn't a hotel and you're not a nurse maid.

SunnyHelper · 22/02/2025 17:52

Trust when someone shows you who they are, and he’s showing you his true colours. He was passive aggressive and purposely trying to wind you up after a disagreement. How someone communicates and can resolve a disagreement is so important, imagine having to deal with that each time you run into issues?
Plus now it sounds like he’s taking advantage of the fact he’s ill and knowing he can push you further than usual without you saying anything, by making room for himself without asking you, moving your things, and having friends over to your place without asking. He’s not considering your feelings at all.
He’s also blatantly ignoring your change in behaviour which shows he isn’t tuned into your feelings or doesn’t really care.
You could try having a conversation with him about all the issues you’re having and see if he changes his behaviour, although it sounds unlikely from what you’ve said.
Honestly, I would end things if I were you, these types of behaviours tend to get worse, not better.

Mumtobabyhavoc · 22/02/2025 18:45

Teateaandmoretea · 22/02/2025 07:15

I only got to ‘dating for a year’. The whole point in dating/ boyfriend stage surely is that they are on trial? He’s failed his trial so he gets dumped.

When you put it that way I'd be tempted to write a formal performance review and a dismissal letter. 😁

sugarspiceandeverythingnice12 · 22/02/2025 18:50

How did it go today @rrandomraindrop ?

caringcarer · 22/02/2025 19:02

DwarfPalmetto · 21/02/2025 20:21

You are allowed to end a relationship for any reason at all if you want to .It doesn't make you an awful person.

This.

vikingnorthutsiresouthutsire · 22/02/2025 19:07

He's a cocklodging chancer, moving himself in! Get rid asap!

Original poster
randomraindrop · 22/02/2025 21:01

So I decided to just bite the bullet and go for it, my friend lives on the next street so she was on hand if needed.

I told him how I was feeling and he was ok to start with saying if I need space it's fine, he thought I wanted him here etc etc but as I tried to explain he couldn't accept any responsibility. Kept reminding me how much he helps me, how much he does around the house so I'm unreasonable to feel the way I do. All the oh I try so hard to make you happy and you throw it back on my face stuff and that I'm holding on to the silly argument and letting it ruin everything. In the end I asked him to get his stuff and go, he left no problem but refused to take his stuff because apparently I'm just having a moment and I'll be over it in a few days. If not he'll come back and get it.

Friends husband is changing the locks tomorrow and taking his stuff to theirs so if he wants it, he can go there and get it. My friend is staying here with me tonight so I'm not alone.

I don't feel any sense of relief, I feel on edge, it was almost too easy and he clearly isn't listening or understanding my feelings so I feel like when my moment doesn't end in a few days, that's when it'll get difficult.

OP posts:
mumyes · 22/02/2025 21:09

Il est un lodger du coque

mumyes · 22/02/2025 21:11

Well done OP. Good move.

Finerthingsinlife · 22/02/2025 21:27

Your instincts are spot on with this one. He was definitely trying to keep a foot in the door by leaving his stuff there. It's great you've got the locks changed.

Personally I'd bite the bullet again tomorrow once the locks are changed. Text him and say that the relationship is over, it's not working for you and then give him the details of where to pick up the stuff. Say there's no point discussing it further as you won't change your mind.

That way you're not on edge anymore and you've got it in writing you don't want the relationship to continue.

Oooooomph · 22/02/2025 21:30

Wow, he's a controller. He thought you wanted him there but never asked, just assumed you'd be thrilled to be his unpaid nurse. You're just a little woman having a moment and will come to your senses. What crap he's spinning, trying to change the facts and your mind about him.

Thank goodness you've seen him for what he is before going further. I hope it all goes smoothly for you.

Alisonjayne8 · 22/02/2025 21:35

Finerthingsinlife · 22/02/2025 21:27

Your instincts are spot on with this one. He was definitely trying to keep a foot in the door by leaving his stuff there. It's great you've got the locks changed.

Personally I'd bite the bullet again tomorrow once the locks are changed. Text him and say that the relationship is over, it's not working for you and then give him the details of where to pick up the stuff. Say there's no point discussing it further as you won't change your mind.

That way you're not on edge anymore and you've got it in writing you don't want the relationship to continue.

Very helpul post.

BountifulPantry · 22/02/2025 21:56

randomraindrop · 22/02/2025 21:01

So I decided to just bite the bullet and go for it, my friend lives on the next street so she was on hand if needed.

I told him how I was feeling and he was ok to start with saying if I need space it's fine, he thought I wanted him here etc etc but as I tried to explain he couldn't accept any responsibility. Kept reminding me how much he helps me, how much he does around the house so I'm unreasonable to feel the way I do. All the oh I try so hard to make you happy and you throw it back on my face stuff and that I'm holding on to the silly argument and letting it ruin everything. In the end I asked him to get his stuff and go, he left no problem but refused to take his stuff because apparently I'm just having a moment and I'll be over it in a few days. If not he'll come back and get it.

Friends husband is changing the locks tomorrow and taking his stuff to theirs so if he wants it, he can go there and get it. My friend is staying here with me tonight so I'm not alone.

I don't feel any sense of relief, I feel on edge, it was almost too easy and he clearly isn't listening or understanding my feelings so I feel like when my moment doesn't end in a few days, that's when it'll get difficult.

No wonder you feel on edge.

Youve had your boundaries walked all over repeatedly. It’s extremely unsettling when that happens.

Im glad a friend is with you. Is there anything that helps you to relax?

frozendaisy · 22/02/2025 22:04

OP you've done the hard part.

Anything else is just fluff.

Toast his departure with your friend and stick Bridget Jones on or something else girlie and fun, the Barbie movie?

Have a better rest of evening.

Crupts · 22/02/2025 22:06

His was a very deliberate campaign.
The thinking you are having a strop is the key.

This is a nasty misogynistic prick.
Excellent idea to tell him his stuff is all at another address.

Text him about his stuff and to never contact you again, this will be proof to the police if he hassles you.

A video bell is a great thing to have IMO.
It gives great security without going near the door.

Sodthesystem · 22/02/2025 22:08

Oh fuck him.

Trying to gaslight you with the 'you're obviously just an hysterical woman' shpeel. In order to keep his things at yours so he can weasel his way back in.

Well done for not tolerating that shit.
Leave the key turned in the lock tonight incase he tries to come back before you change the locks.

frozendaisy · 22/02/2025 22:14

If it would make you feel.better, take back control and finalise things tonight you could text

Look I wanted you and all your stuff out my house today, not some patronising "you'll think different when you are out of your little huff" bollocks.

And you and it is out of my house. Your stuff is at X's house for collection. Is this clear enough for you?

Sodthesystem · 22/02/2025 22:17

frozendaisy · 22/02/2025 22:14

If it would make you feel.better, take back control and finalise things tonight you could text

Look I wanted you and all your stuff out my house today, not some patronising "you'll think different when you are out of your little huff" bollocks.

And you and it is out of my house. Your stuff is at X's house for collection. Is this clear enough for you?

To be fair, that might encourage him to come over and cause drama. I think ops plan sounds good for tomorrow. She can text him once his stuff is out and her locks are changed.

Tarquinthecat · 22/02/2025 22:21

I am absolutely shocked to my core reading this. You are letting this man walk all over you, and why? Because women are socialized to be kind, and he knows it! So stop being a bloody mug and get him out right now.

Codlingmoths · 22/02/2025 22:26

Well done op, he really didn’t take in any of what you said. Because it’s just your opinion and it doesn’t matter unless it’s the same as his. I’ve been married a long time and I don’t come home to my dh having friends round without him having let me know, as it’s my house too!

bluegreygreen · 22/02/2025 22:27

Tarquinthecat · 22/02/2025 22:21

I am absolutely shocked to my core reading this. You are letting this man walk all over you, and why? Because women are socialized to be kind, and he knows it! So stop being a bloody mug and get him out right now.

Not a helpful comment - and you could read OP's updates

RobinHeartella · 22/02/2025 22:49

You've done well op.

It doesn't matter that he won't take responsibility. It doesn't matter if he actually believes he's so kind to you and you're ungrateful. He could be wily and manipulative or he could be just selfish and deluded. It doesn't matter.

The only thing that matters is that you're safe and free of him. Hooray!