Would I be an awful person to walk away now?

[randomraindrop]

Ive been dating someone for almost a year. It was all great until a couple of weeks ago when we had a row and over something silly, he then proceeded to do things intentionally to annoy me for the rest of the day, really silly petty things, but things he knows annoys me. I confronted him on his passive aggressive behaviour and he was really dismissive, it was so completely opposite to the person I thought he was. I asked him to leave, which he did. Few days later when things calmed we talked, he seemed genuinely sorry and took responsibility and I decided to see how things went for a bit.
I really struggled to let it go as it's changed how I see him and I've started to see red flags I hadn't noticed before,

He came over for the weekend the other week and I wanted to talk about things not working. He wasn't well when he arrived so I left it. We ended up in a&e early hours of the morning. And he ended up having surgery on the Saturday evening. He's at mine and fine but without being too outing and going into too much detail, there's some short-term consequences to his illness, that aren't very nice and while eventually he'll be back to normal, for the foreseeable he won't. He's perfectly capable of looking after himself and he doesn't seem too phased by it (I almost feel like he quite likes the attention that comes with it). But he's off sick from work (which he has to be), so he's been here for almost 3 weeks now.

I just can't cope anymore, everything is winding me up, he's made space in my wardrobe, cleared out a drawer rearranged things to fit his things in, I never agreed to this, he lives over an hour away, he went home (he can drive) and packed a huge suitcase and came back, we didn't discuss plans, I feel like he's just moved in. I got home from work tonight and he's got 3 of his mates here, I wouldn't mind if he'd asked but he's fully made himself at home.

I've been off and snappy, I've not been my usual jokey, cuddly self, I've been cold and closed off and he hasn't even noticed.. he just talks at me like everything's totally normal.

I don't feel like I can face him, I don't want to be talked round like last time. I want to go out tomorrow and text and say pack all your things and leave my house. Does that make me a really horrible person? What do I do?

I'm not really a shy, holding back kind of person so I don't know why I'm tip toeing round this but something is just making me uncomfortable.

What would you do if you was me?

Agree. Two stage is a good idea. If he’s turning TV lamp on after a little inconsequential argument, what’s he going to do if rejected?

Please, please, please listen to your gut. He is showing you who he is, believe him. This is him. Revenge when thwarted. Making big life decisions without consulting you. Using you. Using your space and seeing it as his own.

But two stages as per the other poster. One, an amicable way to get him out first. Then end it from a distance. May be say it’s that him moving in made you realise you are not ready for a commitment and that you need space. Slowly back away bit by bit.

Yes. Could happen. You read it here all the time. He’s already made himself very at home.

I think as you feel uneasy, it would be better to ask him to leave first. If he can drive and pack and come back to yours, he is well enough to live at home on his own. Then If me I’d get the locks changed to be on the safe side.

then I would end the relationship.

Feeling uneasy and silenced is Not Good, esp if this is not how you normally are. Have a friend (or two) around when you end it on the grounds that they can help him move out. Change locks, block number.

Just say you didn’t sign up for “in sickness and in health” and the current situation has made you realise you’re not ready for that so you’re ending the relationship.

I think you're uneasy about being your usual upfront and honest self, because you just don't know how he will react and its scary. He's someone you no longer really know

You HAVE to get rid of him.

I'd make sure you have a (male?) friend with you today. Tell boyfriend that you'd like him to leave today

Get his key back

Help him pack

Make sure none of his stuff is left at yours

Any issues, call the Police

You didn't sign up to be his maid and carer in your own house. Inviting all his mates round indeed...maybe they can look after him!
Given the fact he was doing things to annoy you on purpose he will only get worse and I certainly wouldn't leave him alone in your house after delivering the news that you want him out...he might trash the place or steal stuff given he's got form for being an arsehole.
Let this one go and don't feel bad.

*VWT5

If it were me in this situation I would want to do it in 2 stages.
You “need some space, feel overloaded, it’s been an intense 3 weeks etc / you have a relative coming to stay” (if plausible) - i.e. to get him and his stuff out of your space - like tomorrow asap.
So this is facilitated on good terms…with minimal discussion, argument or explanation.

For safety reasons I would terminate the relationship separately and a little later - once he had left your property - maybe meet somewhere public and neutral.
Or write and say you are taking time out for yourself or something*

This is good ^ I like it

However I would make sure I have someone with me (male?) when I do stage 1 and call the Police if there are any issues

If you don't feel you can ask for his key back during stage 1, change the locks

Once he and his stuff is all gone and the locks are changed, dump him and block him

Any issues - Police

If he can drive an hour away to pack and move into yours, he can pack again and drive an hour to home.
Get your house back! Cocklodger.

I agree with everyone's advice and just wanted to add one thing.

Don't be afraid of him making you out to be cruel, a bitch etc for kicking out an ill person. Don't feel guilty or ashamed. He's outstayed his welcome in grand style. If he calls you nasty names, just shrug and agree rather than defending yourself, who cares what he thinks?

My stomach churned reading this. You need to plan to get him out, because he may not go easily.
His mask has slipped now.
If he is well enough to drive home, he can take himself to appointments.
You don’t want a situation where next thing he’s let his property go.
If you have friends and family near, enlist their help. Give him a time you want him to leave, and have someone with you when he does.
Make sure your property is secure.
Do not enter into conversations about his health, you are being cruel, why he needs you because to be quite frank he has friends who can help. He is not helpless, he is using you.
He sounds a bit unhinged.
Get some support and if he really won’t leave ring the police.

Another vote for this. Good luck

I’d probably start with

’It looks like you’re on the mend- I think it’s time you go back to yours’ . And make sure he goes today and takes everything with him

Do I understand it correctly that his weird behaviour happened after the a&e and subsequent hospital treatment? Without knowing what he had/has it could be stress/brain injury etc.

Regardless of that, someone moving into your home unplanned would be disruptive enough, I'd absolutely ask them to leave which he's clearly well enough to do.

Perhaps you feel guilty about ending it because he's been sick? But he sounds perfectly capable so I think you don't need to worry. I would do as others have said and ask him to go home first before telling him it was over.

Very difficult situation OP but it's clear matters have intensified and are suffocating you. Completely invading your space and you are rightly feeling resentment.
I totally appreciate the enormity of this but I think you need a calm frank conversation. Much easier said than done

I hope you’re ok OP. This morning, I’d say something along the lines of “I’m so glad to see that you’re feeling well enough to drive and entertain now, and are doing so well after your surgery. You’re obviously well enough to look after yourself now, so I think is time you went home”.

Get to B and Q. Buy new locks. Fit them whilst he's out. You tube have videos on how to change locks and how to get the right one.

He sounds horrendous. Three weeks? You poor thing.

This.

no way would i leave him alone in my house he might damage stuff.

💯 end it though. Youve done move than enough at this point

1. Take back his key first (hopefully without him knowing). Why should you be out of pocket changing locks?
2. Take your pick from the many reasonable statements offered on this thread as to why he should leave today and don't be forced into a negotiation by him
3. Do not doubt yourself. Your instincts are telling you this: he has shown you that if you step out of line and argue with him, he will make you suffer. Moving in and then inviting 3 friends round is an extension of his contempt for you. He is busy marking his territory and trying to subdue you into submission.

Did he tell you he has to stay local to get treatment? It’s clearly bollocks. If you live in Newcastle and are taken ill on holiday in London, you aren’t forced to stay there in a hotel to get treatment.

Send him packing.

I think it would be fairer at least to tell him why you're ending it.

Also...what proof is there that the hospital said such a thing? This could be further manipulation from him.

I thought this