Would I be an awful person to walk away now?

[randomraindrop]

Ive been dating someone for almost a year. It was all great until a couple of weeks ago when we had a row and over something silly, he then proceeded to do things intentionally to annoy me for the rest of the day, really silly petty things, but things he knows annoys me. I confronted him on his passive aggressive behaviour and he was really dismissive, it was so completely opposite to the person I thought he was. I asked him to leave, which he did. Few days later when things calmed we talked, he seemed genuinely sorry and took responsibility and I decided to see how things went for a bit.
I really struggled to let it go as it's changed how I see him and I've started to see red flags I hadn't noticed before,

He came over for the weekend the other week and I wanted to talk about things not working. He wasn't well when he arrived so I left it. We ended up in a&e early hours of the morning. And he ended up having surgery on the Saturday evening. He's at mine and fine but without being too outing and going into too much detail, there's some short-term consequences to his illness, that aren't very nice and while eventually he'll be back to normal, for the foreseeable he won't. He's perfectly capable of looking after himself and he doesn't seem too phased by it (I almost feel like he quite likes the attention that comes with it). But he's off sick from work (which he has to be), so he's been here for almost 3 weeks now.

I just can't cope anymore, everything is winding me up, he's made space in my wardrobe, cleared out a drawer rearranged things to fit his things in, I never agreed to this, he lives over an hour away, he went home (he can drive) and packed a huge suitcase and came back, we didn't discuss plans, I feel like he's just moved in. I got home from work tonight and he's got 3 of his mates here, I wouldn't mind if he'd asked but he's fully made himself at home.

I've been off and snappy, I've not been my usual jokey, cuddly self, I've been cold and closed off and he hasn't even noticed.. he just talks at me like everything's totally normal.

I don't feel like I can face him, I don't want to be talked round like last time. I want to go out tomorrow and text and say pack all your things and leave my house. Does that make me a really horrible person? What do I do?

I'm not really a shy, holding back kind of person so I don't know why I'm tip toeing round this but something is just making me uncomfortable.

What would you do if you was me?

Put your big girl pants on and tell him it's over. There is no point on dragging this out it is wasting your time and unfair on him. You don't want to be eith him, he isn't for you and you wither do it now or at some other point in the future when you have wasted more of each others time.

OP, I echo what all the other posters have said do not be alone with him when you send him packing. There is a real reason why you feel the way you do so don’t ignore it. With somebody else there he won’t hopefully get dramatic & try to convince you otherwise. The man is a walking red flag 🚩 time for him to go. Pls just let us know when he has gone and you are safe again in your own home.

Do not forget to get your house keys off him. Maybe just look for them before telling him so as to make sure he doesn’t keep them.

Good Luck 💪🏼

I agree with the advice to have someone with you before you send him home with all his belongings because you need space. I think that within a few hours of him leaving, you should text him to tell him it’s over. You can say it’s because you don’t feel ready for a serious relationship or similar excuse. Don’t make it about him and his behaviour, only about you and how you feel. You then need to block his phone number straight after ending it because he will try to talk you round. Be prepared to call the police if he shows up at your home.

I know I’m sounding unkind and ruthless, but I’ve dated this type of man in the past. They can be more difficult to get rid of than hemorrhoids!

The two-stage process sounds good. Your immediate priority is to get CFC (Cheeky F***g Cocklodger) out of your house. Doing it with the help of friends, family members, a neighbour or two etc would demonstrate that you aren't isolated and without support. Bullies and boundary-stompers rely on your vulnerability; showing them that you have people looking out for you cuts that from underneath them.

His issue re the hospital may be accurate insofar as it goes. Our local hospital is a general facility, but there are things it doesn't do - eg, radiotherapy, specialist burns, spinal injuries. You get a reference from your consultant at the local hospital to a much bigger regional one that offers these things - think of somewhere like the Freeman Hospital in Newcastle or St James' in Leeds. But if that's the case for CFC, your response would be "what would you do if I wasn't here? Well do that then." Remind yourself that if he can drive for two hours, he can get to a specialist unit, plus there is patient transport, those friends of his etc. CFC doesn't have to be your problem and he certainly doesn't have the right to demand things from you.

Once he's out from under your roof, you can decide what you want to do next, unless he's already taken that bit of emotional labour upon himself and finished with you. In that case, result! Otherwise you'll have to decide what to do about him. But it sounds as if you already have. All the best OP.

Above all, listen to your gut, it is telling you everything you need to know.

What a cheeky fucker. Reclaim your space and peace

Get him out today.

He can sort out his own appointments.

The longer you leave it the more difficult it will get and he may intentionally make it difficult.

I think I’d pack all his stuff pack in the suitcase he arrived in, text him that it is over and that he can collect his stuff at a certain time. I’d make sure I had a friend with me when he arrived, or place it all on the doorstep.

I’d also get a locksmith to just change the lock and take that concern away, because even if he gives you the keys back you have no idea whether he’s copied them.

Don’t do this. Hints at you want / expect him to stay longterm.

Tell him straight, keep it simple. I’ll help you pack up to move back home today. Make sure you get the keys. If he refuses in any way call the police and say the refuses to leave your property. That’ll probably get him shifting.

Might be worth getting the locks changed just in case he made copies, gave a key to a mate etc.

First of all I would say I understand you are unwell, but I didn't expect you to move in for the whole period and it bothers me that you did that with no discussion. You staying is not working for me and you need to pack your suitcase and go home.

What did you say when he made space for his clothes? Can't believe you passively allowed him to move in.

Anyway glad you've seen the light.

Just tell him you've had enough of him taking advantage of your kindness and you no longer feel the same way about him and to please go home now.

And don’t concern yourself with his hospital appointments, they can all be transferred or he can travel to appointments. Just get rid before the becomes a permanent fixture.

Get rid

@randomraindrop

He's moving in by stealth

@GreyAreas has given you what to say. Go for it!

He's staying in her house, probably only leaving for appointments.

Ah, of course he is 🤦🏽‍♀️ .

Then she needs to give him his suitcase and ask him to leave. But I’d recommend having a friend on hand in case he gets nasty.

Red flags all around. People show you who they are and he definitely has here. Do what you have to do to get him out of your life.

Tell him it's not working out with him living there. Explain how you didn't appreciate surprise mates at your home etc.
Tell him it's time for him to go back to his place and, if need be, you can help him get to his home after the procedure on the 3rd.
Kind but honest, and helpful.
You want him to cope with medical treatment but you want him living at his own place.

This goes against everything OP has posted .
She is worried and doesn’t know why so the advice is to go in smoother or with someone as support .
Also why the heck should she offer more commitment to his troubles. .
He isn’t too sick to drive home and pack a suitcase he isn’t that unwell that it stopped him having a night socialising with 3 mates. .

No way would I wait 2 days never mind 2 weeks committed to this guy, for an appointment on the 5th March.

Why the fuck should she be 'kind, honest and helpful '

He has treated her appallingly after the argument.

I was with you all the way until the light and tv bit, that sort of thing is hard to classify as intentional. If you have amassed lots of things similar to indicate his passive aggressiveness, well, that’s overthinking at best, and paranoia at worst.

I agree having people round and messing about with your wardrobe is outrageous.

I would go home and tell him he needs to go tonight and you will not take no for an answer. You don't have to explain anything to him and it would be better if you didn't. Just say you want space and to be able to be alone in your own home.

If he makes things difficult, call the police,

He has mates so they can look after him and run him around to appointments etc.

If you are genuinely scared of him and I think I might be, do you have a neighbour that you are friendly with that you could speak to, tell them things might get tricky and can they step in if need be.

I would change the locks and get a ring doorbell too once he's over the horizon.

His behaviour is absolutely ridiculous for a grown man, ill or not.

Exactly this

I get that continued treatment at the local hospital's an issue, but you said it's only until 3 March and he can get there from his own home anyway, so no reason to delay - though he'll probably claim a "relapse" when told

And even if this turns into needing to attend the hospital for longer, that's something he'll have to discuss with them

Edited to add I also agree with not asking for money for him to stay; it's too much of a hook for him to grab at and the money would probably never materialise anyway

You feel uneasy and worried because the way he behaved after your first argument was really fucking creepy and unpleasant.

Seriously, you need to get of this man. He’s taking over your life and controlling things in a really insidious way. You’re not his nurse and your house is not a convalescence sanatorium. He isn’t your responsibility and he’s a prick.

Tell him you want him to leave today and you'll help him pack, don't listen to any arguments, just tell him he's outstayed his welcome. Have someone with you if possible so he doesn't feel he can talk you round. If he gets nasty call the police

Everybody here saying it's not fair to him to just text, has he been fair to her? Did he sit down and talk to her nicely about moving in and inviting his friends?

These kind of responses show how many women are conditioned to be nice above all, and not see what's in front of them.

It makes total sense to be careful and manipulate a situation where he thinks it's just him moving home, (although I'd be getting a mate round and telling him just to go and never come back) but to say it's not fair to him is a really poor response.

It was being nice and not speaking up which got her into this situation in the first place.