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Original poster

Would I be an awful person to walk away now?

198 replies

randomraindrop · 21/02/2025 20:08

Ive been dating someone for almost a year. It was all great until a couple of weeks ago when we had a row and over something silly, he then proceeded to do things intentionally to annoy me for the rest of the day, really silly petty things, but things he knows annoys me. I confronted him on his passive aggressive behaviour and he was really dismissive, it was so completely opposite to the person I thought he was. I asked him to leave, which he did. Few days later when things calmed we talked, he seemed genuinely sorry and took responsibility and I decided to see how things went for a bit.
I really struggled to let it go as it's changed how I see him and I've started to see red flags I hadn't noticed before,

He came over for the weekend the other week and I wanted to talk about things not working. He wasn't well when he arrived so I left it. We ended up in a&e early hours of the morning. And he ended up having surgery on the Saturday evening. He's at mine and fine but without being too outing and going into too much detail, there's some short-term consequences to his illness, that aren't very nice and while eventually he'll be back to normal, for the foreseeable he won't. He's perfectly capable of looking after himself and he doesn't seem too phased by it (I almost feel like he quite likes the attention that comes with it). But he's off sick from work (which he has to be), so he's been here for almost 3 weeks now.

I just can't cope anymore, everything is winding me up, he's made space in my wardrobe, cleared out a drawer rearranged things to fit his things in, I never agreed to this, he lives over an hour away, he went home (he can drive) and packed a huge suitcase and came back, we didn't discuss plans, I feel like he's just moved in. I got home from work tonight and he's got 3 of his mates here, I wouldn't mind if he'd asked but he's fully made himself at home.

I've been off and snappy, I've not been my usual jokey, cuddly self, I've been cold and closed off and he hasn't even noticed.. he just talks at me like everything's totally normal.

I don't feel like I can face him, I don't want to be talked round like last time. I want to go out tomorrow and text and say pack all your things and leave my house. Does that make me a really horrible person? What do I do?

I'm not really a shy, holding back kind of person so I don't know why I'm tip toeing round this but something is just making me uncomfortable.

What would you do if you was me?

OP posts:
dapsnotplimsolls · 22/02/2025 23:09

Excellent update.

CrotchetyQuaver · 22/02/2025 23:27

Well done, and excellent idea for his belongings to fo and be collected from your friends house. I'd get a ring doorbell if you haven't one already because I fear you may not have heard the last of him yet

DorothyStorm · 22/02/2025 23:48

randomraindrop · 22/02/2025 21:01

So I decided to just bite the bullet and go for it, my friend lives on the next street so she was on hand if needed.

I told him how I was feeling and he was ok to start with saying if I need space it's fine, he thought I wanted him here etc etc but as I tried to explain he couldn't accept any responsibility. Kept reminding me how much he helps me, how much he does around the house so I'm unreasonable to feel the way I do. All the oh I try so hard to make you happy and you throw it back on my face stuff and that I'm holding on to the silly argument and letting it ruin everything. In the end I asked him to get his stuff and go, he left no problem but refused to take his stuff because apparently I'm just having a moment and I'll be over it in a few days. If not he'll come back and get it.

Friends husband is changing the locks tomorrow and taking his stuff to theirs so if he wants it, he can go there and get it. My friend is staying here with me tonight so I'm not alone.

I don't feel any sense of relief, I feel on edge, it was almost too easy and he clearly isn't listening or understanding my feelings so I feel like when my moment doesn't end in a few days, that's when it'll get difficult.

Well done on recognising what a knob he is

PoltergeistsStartLowKey · 23/02/2025 03:18

The secret now is to not tell him where he went wrong.

He needs to treat the next one and the next one with equal thoughtlessness so that eventually, after getting dumped over and over, he can see it wasn't just you.

You are not the asshole whisperer. Let him work it out for himself (unlikely).

VaddaABeetch · 23/02/2025 03:46

Well done on getting him out of your house.

Now get him completely out of your life. Text him & say the relationship is not working for you. He can collect his belongings at X. Your decision is final, Do not contact you again.

He will try to ‘make you see sense’, not ‘throw away all the great connections you had’ blah blah. Don’t engage. Don’t answer the door, don’t answer the phone.

You feel uneasy as he’s still lurking at the perimeter of you life. Once he’s gone gon you feel better. You’re doing great

Mummyoflittledragon · 23/02/2025 06:06

Well done on getting him out and I’m so pleased you have a good friend and dh to back you up. Now just to bin him off and go full on grey rock. He really does think you’re an inferior little woman.

luckylavender · 23/02/2025 06:49

Finish it.

sugarspiceandeverythingnice12 · 23/02/2025 07:21

Friends husband is changing the locks tomorrow and taking his stuff to theirs so if he wants it, he can go there and get it. My friend is staying here with me tonight so I'm not alone

I've been thinking about you such a lot, OP

I think you're right to be wary. Once you have his stuff out, the locks changed AND I would say (also) fit a ring Doorbell ....

.....you'll feel better 🥰

Any problems ring either 101 or 999

Don't be scared to make those calls. You must stay safe xxx

Graniteisaverygoodsurface · 23/02/2025 07:22

He has behaved in a very rude and entitled way and disrespected you and your space. If he behaves like this now, what will he be like when you have lived together for a while? His illness is neither here nor there.

BobbleHatsRule · 23/02/2025 07:35

Well done you. Decisive clear message and controlling the situation. I'm glad your friend's are acting as a buffer and sending a message to him that they will be there to do so.

I'd consider blocking him so he cannot contact you once the process of getting him out is over

SardinesOnGingerbread · 23/02/2025 07:39

If you're feeling particularly worried you could call 101 and ask them where you can find advice on making your home and self safe. You can be clear that you had some concerns that this man might not take leaving well, and they will record that call against any future difficulties. You will also benefit from some helpful ideas about how to keep safer in these early days. Good luck and well done.

LaurieFairyCake · 23/02/2025 07:39

Send him a message saying you're not changing your mind, your relationship is over, his stuff is at your mates.

And then block him. You don't owe him anything.

BobbleHatsRule · 23/02/2025 07:41

Perhaps worth following up with a text saying "just to be clear, I'm not having a moment. We are over and I don't wish you to contact me ever again. Your belongings are with (male name) and you can arrange to collect with him. Please do not make any contact with me as it would be unwelcome'

Or similar. Go in strong and clear with no ambiguity. If he does pester you contact the police for advice. This might seem dramatic but a good friend had a similar experience and the bloke still appeared months later to talk with her. The police were fantastic in explaining to him...cease or be in court. She'd been polite and kind in breaking up. He needed it blunt

AMurderofMurderingCrows · 23/02/2025 07:55

Well done for getting him out and moving his stuff to your friend's house. Honestly, the fucking audacity of mediocre men.

Nowvoyager99 · 23/02/2025 08:01

Well done OP. You won’t regret it.

The nerve of him. Waiting for you to get over your hissy fit and come to your senses. 🤬

crackfoxy · 23/02/2025 08:45

BobbleHatsRule · 23/02/2025 07:41

Perhaps worth following up with a text saying "just to be clear, I'm not having a moment. We are over and I don't wish you to contact me ever again. Your belongings are with (male name) and you can arrange to collect with him. Please do not make any contact with me as it would be unwelcome'

Or similar. Go in strong and clear with no ambiguity. If he does pester you contact the police for advice. This might seem dramatic but a good friend had a similar experience and the bloke still appeared months later to talk with her. The police were fantastic in explaining to him...cease or be in court. She'd been polite and kind in breaking up. He needed it blunt

This is perfect

JFDIYOLO · 23/02/2025 08:56

Well done!

As well as your other precautions it would be wise to anticipate attempts to undermine you to friends and family. The 'I'm worried about her ... Her mental health ... She's crazy' stuff. Beware Mr Sneaky because he may pop up.

Have your account ready in case he tries to twist the narrative.

RandomMess · 23/02/2025 09:03

I hope you had a quiet night.

sugarspiceandeverythingnice12 · 23/02/2025 09:12

SardinesOnGingerbread · 23/02/2025 07:39

If you're feeling particularly worried you could call 101 and ask them where you can find advice on making your home and self safe. You can be clear that you had some concerns that this man might not take leaving well, and they will record that call against any future difficulties. You will also benefit from some helpful ideas about how to keep safer in these early days. Good luck and well done.

This is a really good idea xxx

Brainworm · 23/02/2025 09:52

I tried to explain he couldn't accept any responsibility. Kept reminding me how much he helps me, how much he does around the house so I'm unreasonable to feel the way I do. All the oh I try so hard to make you happy and you throw it back on my face stuff and that I'm holding on to the silly argument and letting it ruin everything.

Well done for being proactive and asking him/getting him to move out.

I recommend, going forward, you don't concern yourself about whether or not he accepts responsibility for the issues that arose. Instead, focus on what you want/need.

It's OK for anyone to end an intimate relationship at the point they no longer want to be in the relationship. They don't have to justify these feelings, sometimes they can't pinpoint why the attraction has gone, it just has. Ending intimate partner relationships is difficult for the partner who wants to end it, as well for the partner who doesn't, but relationships require two people wanting to be in them.

pictoosh · 23/02/2025 11:32

Curious...what did he say regarding the mates' night in at yours?

I'm impressed by your decisiveness by the way. You're right, no accountability taken. What's the point?

Sodthesystem · 23/02/2025 13:53

Hopefully hes just a dick and not a full-blown nutcase.

I agree with pp that you'd be wise to give (supportive) friends and family the heads up though. Incase he goes the 'I'm worried about her' route to try discredit you or garner sympathy. Just tell them how audacious he's been and I'm sure they'll get why you've gave him the elbow.

It's just really gaslighty the way you were only asking for some space and he's said you shouldn't want it and should be grateful. I'd understand if he was struggling about the break up but he's even refused to give you space. It's creepy.

I mean if he'd been like: 'I'll take my things and give you some space. And we'll meet talk next week because I think this is just a passing thing'. That might have been cheeky bit, understandable. But he's basically just said 'no, you're just being silly, I'm not leaving'.

I have a feeling you're having a lucky escape getting rid of this guy.

KateShugakIsALegend · 23/02/2025 21:44

Thinking of you, @randomraindrop and wishing you well.

Bravo on getting this far.

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