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Original poster

Would I be an awful person to walk away now?

198 replies

randomraindrop · 21/02/2025 20:08

Ive been dating someone for almost a year. It was all great until a couple of weeks ago when we had a row and over something silly, he then proceeded to do things intentionally to annoy me for the rest of the day, really silly petty things, but things he knows annoys me. I confronted him on his passive aggressive behaviour and he was really dismissive, it was so completely opposite to the person I thought he was. I asked him to leave, which he did. Few days later when things calmed we talked, he seemed genuinely sorry and took responsibility and I decided to see how things went for a bit.
I really struggled to let it go as it's changed how I see him and I've started to see red flags I hadn't noticed before,

He came over for the weekend the other week and I wanted to talk about things not working. He wasn't well when he arrived so I left it. We ended up in a&e early hours of the morning. And he ended up having surgery on the Saturday evening. He's at mine and fine but without being too outing and going into too much detail, there's some short-term consequences to his illness, that aren't very nice and while eventually he'll be back to normal, for the foreseeable he won't. He's perfectly capable of looking after himself and he doesn't seem too phased by it (I almost feel like he quite likes the attention that comes with it). But he's off sick from work (which he has to be), so he's been here for almost 3 weeks now.

I just can't cope anymore, everything is winding me up, he's made space in my wardrobe, cleared out a drawer rearranged things to fit his things in, I never agreed to this, he lives over an hour away, he went home (he can drive) and packed a huge suitcase and came back, we didn't discuss plans, I feel like he's just moved in. I got home from work tonight and he's got 3 of his mates here, I wouldn't mind if he'd asked but he's fully made himself at home.

I've been off and snappy, I've not been my usual jokey, cuddly self, I've been cold and closed off and he hasn't even noticed.. he just talks at me like everything's totally normal.

I don't feel like I can face him, I don't want to be talked round like last time. I want to go out tomorrow and text and say pack all your things and leave my house. Does that make me a really horrible person? What do I do?

I'm not really a shy, holding back kind of person so I don't know why I'm tip toeing round this but something is just making me uncomfortable.

What would you do if you was me?

OP posts:
OverthinkingOlive · 21/02/2025 20:59

Get rid of him and do it face to face, whatever awkwardness you feel will be nothing compared to the relief once it's done. I couldn't stand this for five minutes. Out.

Original poster
randomraindrop · 21/02/2025 21:02

Nextdoor55 · 21/02/2025 20:43

Why don't you just tell him how you feel?

I honestly don't know, I don't usually have an issue saying what I think and I had no problem telling him last time. I don't know why I just can't face it, I feel really uneasy and worried for some reason. I can't really put my finger on it.

OP posts:
PullTheBricksDown · 21/02/2025 21:03

randomraindrop · 21/02/2025 21:02

I honestly don't know, I don't usually have an issue saying what I think and I had no problem telling him last time. I don't know why I just can't face it, I feel really uneasy and worried for some reason. I can't really put my finger on it.

Show quote history

Can you get a friend to come round for moral support?

VWT5 · 21/02/2025 21:10

If it were me in this situation I would want to do it in 2 stages.
You “need some space, feel overloaded, it’s been an intense 3 weeks etc / you have a relative coming to stay” (if plausible) - i.e. to get him and his stuff out of your space - like tomorrow asap.
So this is facilitated on good terms…with minimal discussion, argument or explanation.

For safety reasons I would terminate the relationship separately and a little later - once he had left your property - maybe meet somewhere public and neutral.
Or write and say you are taking time out for yourself or something.

RawBloomers · 21/02/2025 21:12

Are his friends still there? If so tell them they need to leave as you need a serious talk with him.

I agree with others that having him leave while you're at work is a risk. I know you feel like you can't face it, but I think you would be better off asking him to leave now if you possibly can. Can you ask a friend to come over?

If he's been off work there's no reason he can't just drive home now. It's only two hours. Just tell him he's gone far to far this time and it's over. He has to go home right now. Then start piling everything into his case. Get him out of the house. If he wants to talk about it tell Okay, but it will have to be tomorrow after he's gone home. You can't put up with him in the house any more. (Then, tomorrow, you can decide if you want to talk to him or not). If he complains he can't drive home tell him to find a hotel for the night.

Emptyandsad · 21/02/2025 21:15

Please don't text him to break up! Have the decency to do it face to face (unless you have reason to fear his reaction - in which case, still don't do it by text because God knows what he might do to your property in a fit of spite.

I think people deserve to be told in person; to do it by text is shitty

Sassybooklover · 21/02/2025 21:49

I completely understand staying with you initially once he came out of hospital. Why on earth is he still staying with you 3 weeks later?!!! He just took it upon himself to drive home, pack a suitcase and move himself in!! No discussion, no anything?! If he's well enough to drive a distance home, and carry a suitcase to the car, then I'd say he's capable of living back at his own home!! You need to tell him, that he needs to pack his suitcase and move back to his own home. If he asks why, tell him that staying with you initially after coming out of hospital is one thing, still being here after 3 weeks is overstaying his welcome. He's well enough to look after himself, therefore he doesn't need to stay any longer. Quite honestly he's taking the piss.

outerspacepotato · 21/02/2025 21:50

He just moved into your place by stealth. If he can drive an hour, pack stuff up, and drive another hour, he can take care of himself.

At his place.

Time for him to go back home. Pack his stuff in his care and tell him goodbye.

WilfredsPies · 21/02/2025 22:03

randomraindrop · 21/02/2025 21:02

I honestly don't know, I don't usually have an issue saying what I think and I had no problem telling him last time. I don't know why I just can't face it, I feel really uneasy and worried for some reason. I can't really put my finger on it.

Show quote history

Is it because you know he’s going to react like a toddler having a tantrum and try to make you feel like you are solely responsible for him being able to access the lifesaving emergency care that he so desperately needs and that only your local hospital can provide him? And that he’ll get nasty if you don’t fall for his manipulation?

It’s time to get furious with him.

CatsRabbitsDogsFish · 21/02/2025 22:04

Tell him to pack his stuff and leave NOW. He is not welcome. Then when hes left block on everything and if he has a key make sure he leaves it with you.

AllHisCaterpillarFriends · 21/02/2025 22:20

Doing it now is rubbish advice.

It's late, and you've said he makes you uncomfortable.

I would get a friend around, or at least have them on standby tomorrow and get him out then.

Bananalanacake · 21/02/2025 22:22

Did he even ask to move in. Is he paying towards bills and food. Never let a man move in too quickly, they are more difficult to get rid of.

Eldermilleniallyogii · 21/02/2025 22:23

I think whther you end it or not he has to go. Why don't you just tell him you feel suffocated and you need some space so he needs to go back to his own place today (tell him in the morning). If he asks why tell him he's moved in without asking, he's not respecting you or your home and you are not enjoying having him here.8; it's the end so be it.

cinnamonbunfight · 21/02/2025 22:27

Growlybear83 · 21/02/2025 20:41

I can understand why you want him to leave, but if you've been in a relationship with him for a year, at least show him the decency of ending it face to face. To just go out and text him to tell him to leave is incredibly cowardly.

This is shit advice when he’s treating her badly and invading her boundaries.

Crupts · 21/02/2025 22:35

Get rid of him asap.
His mask slipped.
Nasty petty twat.

Be glad you saw the real him.
CF having friends to your house.
Not normal behaviour.
Entitled presumptuous twat.

BountifulPantry · 21/02/2025 22:53

VWT5 · 21/02/2025 21:10

If it were me in this situation I would want to do it in 2 stages.
You “need some space, feel overloaded, it’s been an intense 3 weeks etc / you have a relative coming to stay” (if plausible) - i.e. to get him and his stuff out of your space - like tomorrow asap.
So this is facilitated on good terms…with minimal discussion, argument or explanation.

For safety reasons I would terminate the relationship separately and a little later - once he had left your property - maybe meet somewhere public and neutral.
Or write and say you are taking time out for yourself or something.

Yeah I’d do this. Get him out, change locks, call and say you need space. Block.

It feels “off” because it is off. Trust your gut.

Wiseplumant · 21/02/2025 23:02

Get rid.

TunipTheVegimal24 · 21/02/2025 23:28

You can leave any relationship, any time. But more than that, unless there's a particular reason you want to be in a relationship right now, a year is nothing, and it doesn't sound like you have any ties with him such as children.

I wouldn't think twice tbh.

DorothyStorm · 21/02/2025 23:42

OverthinkingOlive · 21/02/2025 20:59

Get rid of him and do it face to face, whatever awkwardness you feel will be nothing compared to the relief once it's done. I couldn't stand this for five minutes. Out.

This. He needs to go. You know who he is now and that isnt what you want.

bluegreygreen · 21/02/2025 23:47

Agree with @VWT5 - 2 stage approach

It's all been a bit much, you need some space, he needs to move home
Then when he's safely home, tell him that the relationship is over

Please be safe. Trust your instincts - there is a reason you are uncomfortable about having the conversation, even though you don't know what it is.

Normallynumb · 21/02/2025 23:47

If he's well enough to drive and pack himself, he's well enough to look after himself and obviously has friends near home too.
He's moved in without even asking and been horrible, so don't feel bad about saying it's too much after 3 weeks
He can get his care transferred to his local hospital easy enough so it's not a reason to stay
When he's home, you can then decide whether to continue the relationship but for now just tell him to go home.

healthybychristmas · 21/02/2025 23:47

Honestly, the moment I walked in and found him with his three mates in my house that would be the end of it. Who the hell does he think he is?

Ohnobackagain · 21/02/2025 23:50

Inviting his mates over - nope @randomraindrop he is staying with you not co-habiting. And with everything else you have said - no. I wouldn’t leave him alone in the house - I’d ask him to please leave and have a friend come over it you can.

Undrugged · 21/02/2025 23:51

Urggghh. You’re not being unreasonable.

I like the advice to ask him to leave because of overwhelm/ someone coming to stay and then when he is out absolutely cut him dead. That’s the safest manoeuvre.

I think the reason you might be uncomfortable (aside from his deliberate moves to piss you off like with the light, his friends invading your space etc) is because he is playing the “sick” card and he is counting on you being a woman who takes care of the menz, without regard to how you might feel. That would make me run a country mile.

Copperoliverbear · 21/02/2025 23:55

Get rid of him.