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Original poster

Shall kick out my ds?

256 replies

SugarPlumpFairyCakes · 21/02/2025 10:23

He's 20 in March. He's done nothing since he was 16.

I don't know where he would go though.

He doesn't work. Doesn't study. He's asleep every day until 3 or 4pm.

He went to private school all his life. Had two extra years there because he failed his As levels twice. We live abroad. International private school that was quite flexible.

Says he applies for jobs. I don't believe him.

Does absolutely nothing around the house to help. Actively makes an awful mess in the kitchen. Consumes vast quantities of food.

His dad (my ex) took him and paid for him to do an access course. He did none of it.

I've made appointments for him in the past with doctors. He just didn't go to the appointments so I don't do that anymore.

I am getting very snippy, almost nasty to him when I come home from work and the kitchen is a total mess again or he's blocked the toilet and then he asks me for lifts to the gym.

I feel irritated at the sight of him. Would kicking him out not knowing where he would go an act of severe unkindness?

He seems to think he's entitled to be financially supported because he is my son.

I cannot see our relationship ever recovering from this as once he's out, I would never let him back in to live with me again whatever his problems. He denies he does nothing. Denies the evidence before both of our eyes. It's bizarre.

OP posts:
Lm404061 · 21/02/2025 10:43

This sounds miserable OP. Are there any mental health issues?
can you warn him that you are considering this before you do it? And if you do perhaps give him information on how to declare himself homeless to get access to council assistance?

Original poster
SugarPlumpFairyCakes · 21/02/2025 10:49

Probably psychological issues. I made appointments with a psychologist several time for him. He either didn't bother to go or went occasionally and told the psychologist u truths as out his school attendance etc.

OP posts:
letslaughitoff · 21/02/2025 10:55

Im going to be honest and brutal and i may get quoted a lot.

Hes a grown man that sounds like hes been molly cuddled all his life with gentle parenting.
Sorry op but you need to put you foot down and stop wiping his arse for him.
Stop with all the faffing and small talk and appointments and put him in his place.
Not everything is sen.
He gets away with it because he always has got away with it.

BlueSilverCats · 21/02/2025 10:56

Has he always been like this? If something changed, when and what was it?

Is he doing drugs?

How is he funding his lifestyle/gym without a job?

Before you kick him out, the first step would be not funding him beyond food and stuff like basic toiletries.

letslaughitoff · 21/02/2025 10:57

BlueSilverCats · 21/02/2025 10:56

Has he always been like this? If something changed, when and what was it?

Is he doing drugs?

How is he funding his lifestyle/gym without a job?

Before you kick him out, the first step would be not funding him beyond food and stuff like basic toiletries.

funding his life style the bank of mum and dad.

Daisyvodka · 21/02/2025 11:00

While of course you should consider if there are psychological issues at play:

  • old fashioned laziness, no incentive to change as you have a good life as it is (even if other people dont think your life is good) and getting stuck in a routine are also a possibility
  • mental health issues do not mean that you are exempt from trying to not make the lives of people around you harder.

Does he have a social life? Who pays for the gym?

Octavia64 · 21/02/2025 11:02

I would be applying both the carrot and the stick.

If you are funding his lifestyle at all - phone, gym, etc, stop.

Suggest meeting with him in a coffee shop to have a conversation about how you want to help him be a successful adult and what can you do to help.

If you do his laundry or anything like that then teach him how to do it and don't do it again.

If you are not funding him and not doing his laundry then there is less resentment.

EmeraldsandRubies · 21/02/2025 11:02

My DS was a bit like this so we stopped his allowance and he got a job. He's happier than he was but if he had been able to just eat and sleep and go to the gym, he'd have definitely taken that option.

Mine is same age and I do think suffered during covid. Stopped studying etc

Can your DS not drive? That is a life skill he can acquire.

All the things you and your ex have arranged he doesn't value. I don't think there is a diagnosis (reason) to be had about why he is behaving like this. Beyond you are enabling it. Like the 600lb bed ridden person being brought fast food. Killing with kindness.

I'd probably not be chucking him out. Give him notice. And much as it is tempting, don't line something up for him.

He needs to step into the light and get off the teat. But I know how hard it is. Sending much love OP.

Charlottejbt · 21/02/2025 11:10

Mine (now 24) was the same. He was eventually persuaded onto an access course and appears to be doing well. He has moved in with a girl he met on a job centre course, and she has found work. He's supposed to be applying for university. Would your DS move out voluntarily if you stopped funding him? I never gave DS pocket money (hence him going to the equivalent of the job centre in this country) and we live in a village, so circumstances conspired to incentivise him to move. I would never have forced him.

Girlmom35 · 21/02/2025 12:57

I hate to say it, but it sounds as if you've spoiled your son rotten and are now faced with having a young man living in your home who hasn't learned to function in the world.

The only proper way to raise functioning adults is to balance both freedom and responsability. This means that children who get very little freedom also automatically have very little responsibility. F.e. with a baby, their freedom is extremely limited. Mum and dad choose what they wear, what they eat, where and when they are put to bed, how they spend their days, who they get to interact with. But a baby has zero obligations and has nothing to answer for. They can keep you up all night and they won't be held responsible.
As they age, children receive more freedom. My 5-year old picks out her own clothes, but only from the weather-appropriate selection I've left in her closet. However, with this freedom also comes a need for responsibility. They need to face the consequences for their actions. If she misbehaves, she is responsible for repairing. She can choose whether or not she eats the food I've made. But she has to deal with being hungry if she chooses not to eat at meal time.

The fact that your son has no responsibilities that are enforced, but has all the freedom on the world, makes absolutely no sense. And that's on you as parents. You let it get this far. You are the one paying for his phone, giving him internet access, shopping for food, doing his laundry, while also expecting nothing from him. Or at least not enforcing these expectations.

I fear you've messed him up for the rest of his life. It will be a miracle if he will ever function as an adult. But one thing you could do is stop giving him things just for existing. The time when you had to support him and expect nothing in return ended when he was 2. You're about 18 years late to start parenting him rather than coddling him, but it's never too late to start.

AnneLovesGilbert · 21/02/2025 13:09

Tell him to move in with his dad.

Cadenza12 · 21/02/2025 13:16

You need to stop providing for him. No money, clothes, outings, petrol etc. Needs some motivation from somewhere.

whatonearthisgoingonnow · 21/02/2025 13:35

@girlmom35 "I fear you've messed him up for the rest of his life. It will be a miracle if he will ever function as an adult."

That's very dramatic 😂Obviously the OP has provided a very nice home life for him not to want to leave.

He'll be fine once she stops enabling him and he has to stand on his own two feet. A relationship could be a motivator as well.

AmeliaTangfastic · 21/02/2025 13:39

Who pays his gym membership? I know exercise and fitness can give someone a bit of purpose, but it isn't good if he's only got the gym and does nothing else.

I'd tell him he needs to do x, y or z for gym membership and free room and board to continue.

Miloarmadillo2 · 21/02/2025 13:53

Loving the lecture from someone who has raised a 5 year old….

It’s really difficult for this generation of youngsters to ‘launch’ because it’s so difficult to get their own place, but they do need to leave home and take on adult responsibilities. Is his Dad on the same page? Maybe the 20th birthday is an opportunity to draw a line and say you are an adult now, you can live here or with Dad but the rent/bills/board are x and the house rules are y. Or you can move out into a house share. We are not funding your lifestyle any more, bank of Mum and Dad is closed. We will fund training/course/therapy to help you move forward into a more functional future.
Are you both at a point where you would follow through and turf him out?

SnoopysHoose · 21/02/2025 13:55

Difficult to launch? he's had a good education, supportive parenting and chose to do fuck all.
OP switch off the internet/ Sky TV etc, do not do his laundry, only buy food for yourself.

Notaboutthebass · 21/02/2025 13:57

You should never kick a child out but he needs to learn some rules and stand on his own two feet. Put your foot down!
Maybe take some luxuries from him so he has to earn his own money, stop paying for his phone etc.

VanCleefArpels · 21/02/2025 14:01

I wouldn’t deprive a child of a roof over their head but I’d definitely cut the financial support . He needs to either claim benefits or get a job. Treat him like a flatmate not a son, no money, no laundry, no food (make a shelf in the fridge and a cupboard just for him) no phone, no gym, no lifts.

Garlicgarlicgarlic · 21/02/2025 14:04

SnoopysHoose · 21/02/2025 13:55

Difficult to launch? he's had a good education, supportive parenting and chose to do fuck all.
OP switch off the internet/ Sky TV etc, do not do his laundry, only buy food for yourself.

This.
Not sure why someone refers to the man as a 'child' 😄

Someone suggesting a relationship could be a way to get the man to function-why? What does he have to offer? Treating his mother with utter contempt while leeching off her is not a quality anyone is going to find attractive.

Put a lock on the kitchen so he can't continue trashing it. Take the WiFi router with you to work.
He should have been doing his own laundry and household tasks for years now.

Mauro711 · 21/02/2025 14:26

Who is paying for his food, gym, haircuts etc? If it's you, just stop. If he wants to plead his case he is going to have to be open and honest with you, if he doesn't then he'll have to get a job so he can pay for these things himself.

Original poster
SugarPlumpFairyCakes · 21/02/2025 14:26

He pays his own gym and phone from revenue from investments his gf made for all the gcs. He doesn't get much but it covers those costs.

I don't do his laundry.

I buy food for the household. I might offer him a meal if I've made too much for me and the other DCs.

OP posts:
Original poster
SugarPlumpFairyCakes · 21/02/2025 14:27

I have told him rules.

Has anyone had someone nod, smile and agree and then nothing changes?

OP posts:
Mauro711 · 21/02/2025 14:28

SugarPlumpFairyCakes · 21/02/2025 14:27

I have told him rules.

Has anyone had someone nod, smile and agree and then nothing changes?

It sounds almost like he's got contempt for you.

VanCleefArpels · 21/02/2025 14:42

Don’t cook for him. Don’t think of his needs when you are in the supermarket. He’s your housemate remember! So he has a trust fund - how long will this last? Has he considered using some of this money to learn to drive?

WhatColourIsThatBalloon · 21/02/2025 14:45

I’d give him an ultimatum - you’ve six weeks, four weeks whatever- to get a job and then xx time to save first months rent/deposit. Be VERY clear you want him out. And follow through.