Shall kick out my ds?

[SugarPlumpFairyCakes]

He's 20 in March. He's done nothing since he was 16.

I don't know where he would go though.

He doesn't work. Doesn't study. He's asleep every day until 3 or 4pm.

He went to private school all his life. Had two extra years there because he failed his As levels twice. We live abroad. International private school that was quite flexible.

Says he applies for jobs. I don't believe him.

Does absolutely nothing around the house to help. Actively makes an awful mess in the kitchen. Consumes vast quantities of food.

His dad (my ex) took him and paid for him to do an access course. He did none of it.

I've made appointments for him in the past with doctors. He just didn't go to the appointments so I don't do that anymore.

I am getting very snippy, almost nasty to him when I come home from work and the kitchen is a total mess again or he's blocked the toilet and then he asks me for lifts to the gym.

I feel irritated at the sight of him. Would kicking him out not knowing where he would go an act of severe unkindness?

He seems to think he's entitled to be financially supported because he is my son.

I cannot see our relationship ever recovering from this as once he's out, I would never let him back in to live with me again whatever his problems. He denies he does nothing. Denies the evidence before both of our eyes. It's bizarre.

I’d bet he’s shooting up growth hormone too

And don’t forget growth hormones, builders love that because it really builds muscles. And it makes them angry and all they think about is how big their muscles get

Can you explain a little more about why you live abroad and how you came to be there? Are you / your family integrated locally? Has he had local friends, outside the international schools?

i ask because I live outside the UK and work in a school here. I have met a lot of young people who struggle with feeling a bit rootless and not very sure of their place. They often don’t have extended family around, they attend international schools where people come and go all the time, and their parents have the added stress of been out of their own culture. It can be tough.

when you split up, his father moved back to the UK but you didn’t? That must have been hard, staying on abroad with kids. Do you have a new partner? What’s your family situation like overall?

Adderal

My youngest ds (same age) is very good at passive resistance. Resisted a job throughout college. Once he was a NEET after finishing college I let him know I wasn’t paying for anything and I expected him to be actively applying for jobs by the autumn. Then stepped back and shut up. He got himself a job in the September /October (took a while and lots of applications as he had no experience - I helped him when he asked, he did most of it himself). About 6 months later he added a second job and he works hard with long hours, and when he isn’t working is socialising.

I would forget things like pilot type jobs etc - he doesn’t have the life or responsibility skills for them yet, and he probably knows that - send him out to get any job. Tell him if he doesn’t start looking you will change the locks. My son works in retail and care - so two areas where you learn an awful lot of skills dealing with difficult situations and people. His confidence has rocketed. He’s responsible, saving money, socialising and very much living his own life & will do whatever he wants in life fu sing it himself - sorted. The key to kickstarting it was getting that first bottom of the rung job.

It’s hard hard when your son has enough money for gym etc. I think I would make applying for crap jobs a condition of continuing to live with you - hospitality, retail, care, etc - where he will have to interact with others. If he refuses then remove his gaming consoles and tell him you will return then when he leaves the house to live his blobby lifestyle elsewhere or shows you proof he is applying for jobs. Yes it is ridiculous and utterly inappropriate at 20 - but he is not behaving like an adult, is avoiding adult responsibilities - which is fine - if that’s his choice - but not under your roof.

Personally I would give him a time frame to get a job and start helping round the house and if he hasn’t by that point I’d tell him to go to the uk and live with his dad