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Original poster

Shall kick out my ds?

256 replies

SugarPlumpFairyCakes · 21/02/2025 10:23

He's 20 in March. He's done nothing since he was 16.

I don't know where he would go though.

He doesn't work. Doesn't study. He's asleep every day until 3 or 4pm.

He went to private school all his life. Had two extra years there because he failed his As levels twice. We live abroad. International private school that was quite flexible.

Says he applies for jobs. I don't believe him.

Does absolutely nothing around the house to help. Actively makes an awful mess in the kitchen. Consumes vast quantities of food.

His dad (my ex) took him and paid for him to do an access course. He did none of it.

I've made appointments for him in the past with doctors. He just didn't go to the appointments so I don't do that anymore.

I am getting very snippy, almost nasty to him when I come home from work and the kitchen is a total mess again or he's blocked the toilet and then he asks me for lifts to the gym.

I feel irritated at the sight of him. Would kicking him out not knowing where he would go an act of severe unkindness?

He seems to think he's entitled to be financially supported because he is my son.

I cannot see our relationship ever recovering from this as once he's out, I would never let him back in to live with me again whatever his problems. He denies he does nothing. Denies the evidence before both of our eyes. It's bizarre.

OP posts:
Original poster
SugarPlumpFairyCakes · 22/02/2025 00:09

Tumbleweed44 · 21/02/2025 19:24

Where do you live?

How old was he when you moved there?

So many questions.

Your solution is to throw a 20 year old out and never let him in again!

That is not my solution. Please try to understand wits end scenario. Thank you.

OP posts:
TicklishMintDuck · 22/02/2025 00:10

Do you support him financially by paying for his gym, internet etc? If so, remove that support and have a conversation with him. Tell him you’ll support him but he needs to work with you.

SpringChickenGiblets · 22/02/2025 00:12

Girlmom35 · 21/02/2025 12:57

I hate to say it, but it sounds as if you've spoiled your son rotten and are now faced with having a young man living in your home who hasn't learned to function in the world.

The only proper way to raise functioning adults is to balance both freedom and responsability. This means that children who get very little freedom also automatically have very little responsibility. F.e. with a baby, their freedom is extremely limited. Mum and dad choose what they wear, what they eat, where and when they are put to bed, how they spend their days, who they get to interact with. But a baby has zero obligations and has nothing to answer for. They can keep you up all night and they won't be held responsible.
As they age, children receive more freedom. My 5-year old picks out her own clothes, but only from the weather-appropriate selection I've left in her closet. However, with this freedom also comes a need for responsibility. They need to face the consequences for their actions. If she misbehaves, she is responsible for repairing. She can choose whether or not she eats the food I've made. But she has to deal with being hungry if she chooses not to eat at meal time.

The fact that your son has no responsibilities that are enforced, but has all the freedom on the world, makes absolutely no sense. And that's on you as parents. You let it get this far. You are the one paying for his phone, giving him internet access, shopping for food, doing his laundry, while also expecting nothing from him. Or at least not enforcing these expectations.

I fear you've messed him up for the rest of his life. It will be a miracle if he will ever function as an adult. But one thing you could do is stop giving him things just for existing. The time when you had to support him and expect nothing in return ended when he was 2. You're about 18 years late to start parenting him rather than coddling him, but it's never too late to start.

Come back in 10 years and tell us how your 15 year old is! You’re clearly a parenting guru 😂

HeyDoodie · 22/02/2025 00:15

Get him a progressional careers advice appointment. They can do questionnaires, work out his strengths and interests, make suggestions and a plan. It sounds like education is not his cup of tea, so maybe he should be looking at apprenticeships or voluntary work or a job?

NoPrivateSpy · 22/02/2025 00:21

OP, sending lots of strength and words of support.

This sounds so hard. Don't forget his brain isn't fully developed yet so there is still hope he might get it one day.

Any family you can send him to for a vacation type life lesson? Sometimes kids are totally different around people other than their parents.

Justmyopinionbut · 22/02/2025 00:21

This sounds so hard, I'm sorry. I'd say you need a step by step plan. He has 2 weeks to do x, if no proof that he has achieved that then he has x days to move out. This could be go to a psychologist or get a job etc. Make it clear this is the last warning and if he is to remain under your roof, he follows your rules or he's out. Sounds like it's time that the requirements have consequences. He may thank you for it one day. What he's doing is not living. Good luck.

boredoflaundry · 22/02/2025 00:23

letslaughitoff · 21/02/2025 10:55

Im going to be honest and brutal and i may get quoted a lot.

Hes a grown man that sounds like hes been molly cuddled all his life with gentle parenting.
Sorry op but you need to put you foot down and stop wiping his arse for him.
Stop with all the faffing and small talk and appointments and put him in his place.
Not everything is sen.
He gets away with it because he always has got away with it.

Edited

Couldn’t agree more!
trouble is you’ve raised a child.
now teach him to adult … FAST !

stayathomer · 22/02/2025 00:29

Op a lady near home kicked out her son for the reasons you state and he’s pretty much been on the streets from the get-go. He was a lovely guy, funny and easy going, but she had the issues you had and gave out about him no end. You can threaten and people on mn will say turf him out, but do realise that not everyone just suddenly gets it together and figures themselves out. She’s now trying to negotiate with other relatives to take him in because she said she’s done her time as a mother and a maid

Original poster
SugarPlumpFairyCakes · 22/02/2025 00:37

TicklishMintDuck · 22/02/2025 00:10

Do you support him financially by paying for his gym, internet etc? If so, remove that support and have a conversation with him. Tell him you’ll support him but he needs to work with you.

This has already been stated. Please read the thread before posting.

OP posts:
Mumwithbaggage · 22/02/2025 00:39

Might he have ADHD? I say this as I could sit on the sofa playing Candy Crush for days on end even though I'm an articulate adult with a job and post grad qualifications and I absolutely know better. Personally I wouldn't ever kick my dc out (although we never know what we'd do till we're in any given situation). Sounds like he needs a mentor to kick start him. Good luck - it's a situation I see lots of friends in.

Lesleymumof3kids · 22/02/2025 00:39

Cut the purse strings . Nothing unless paid for above bed and food. Earn or learn or you know where the door is. Washing, dishes etc should be his work ( if not earning or learning, to keep house) have to motivate him into taking college seriously or obtaining work and moving out . If not taking the steps themselves add a timeline of eviction and stick by it. Sometimes tough love is needed to get them to get them to get their life into order...or let them struggle until they need help ( that is when you swoop in with college and if living here you clean up etc or out etc)clear expectations of standing on own feet . We have let our eldest fail after numerous conversations about school and how important it is to get the grades she is capable of getting and her not attending or not engaging . We let her have this year trying to get a job ...not working out for her ...next stage was out as not helping round the house and a bad attitude.I told her she is 18 and an adult and we didn't have to put up with the tantrums anymore and she could move out or put up with our rules. Pack/ unpack the dishwasher and keep her room tidy , pick up after herself and tell us if home for dinner/any friends in for dinner and ask if wanting lifts home prior to the time ( buses are not great )She is going to college to get the qualifications she didn't get in September this year.

Original poster
SugarPlumpFairyCakes · 22/02/2025 00:40

@boredoflaundry it is odd. I have raised a child who is now nearly 20.

It is odd I have three other dcs who are absolutely nothing like my eldest dc who is apparently indulged and spoiled and a life failure.

Thank you for your positive, constructive input.

OP posts:
Original poster
SugarPlumpFairyCakes · 22/02/2025 00:40

Lesleymumof3kids · 22/02/2025 00:39

Cut the purse strings . Nothing unless paid for above bed and food. Earn or learn or you know where the door is. Washing, dishes etc should be his work ( if not earning or learning, to keep house) have to motivate him into taking college seriously or obtaining work and moving out . If not taking the steps themselves add a timeline of eviction and stick by it. Sometimes tough love is needed to get them to get them to get their life into order...or let them struggle until they need help ( that is when you swoop in with college and if living here you clean up etc or out etc)clear expectations of standing on own feet . We have let our eldest fail after numerous conversations about school and how important it is to get the grades she is capable of getting and her not attending or not engaging . We let her have this year trying to get a job ...not working out for her ...next stage was out as not helping round the house and a bad attitude.I told her she is 18 and an adult and we didn't have to put up with the tantrums anymore and she could move out or put up with our rules. Pack/ unpack the dishwasher and keep her room tidy , pick up after herself and tell us if home for dinner/any friends in for dinner and ask if wanting lifts home prior to the time ( buses are not great )She is going to college to get the qualifications she didn't get in September this year.

I do this.

OP posts:
Original poster
SugarPlumpFairyCakes · 22/02/2025 00:42

Mumwithbaggage · 22/02/2025 00:39

Might he have ADHD? I say this as I could sit on the sofa playing Candy Crush for days on end even though I'm an articulate adult with a job and post grad qualifications and I absolutely know better. Personally I wouldn't ever kick my dc out (although we never know what we'd do till we're in any given situation). Sounds like he needs a mentor to kick start him. Good luck - it's a situation I see lots of friends in.

Do you really se many friends with same issues? What are they doing about it?

OP posts:
Original poster
SugarPlumpFairyCakes · 22/02/2025 00:43

Tumbleweed44 · 21/02/2025 19:31

International schools abroad vary greatly.

From OP’s post my overwhelming feeling from reading it is that OP has zero empathy or takes any responsibility at all for the way her 20 year old DS is.

You know nothing.

I have given my ds so much.

Hush now.

OP posts:
KorneliyaSky · 22/02/2025 00:54

Just here for support @SugarPlumpFairyCakes. 💐 🍷 🍫
Lots of absolutely melts out tonight making ridiculous comments.

ReadingRubbish · 22/02/2025 01:03

Do you live in a country where you could chuck him out?

AspiringMermaid · 22/02/2025 01:08

Mauro711 · 21/02/2025 14:28

It sounds almost like he's got contempt for you.

Show quote history

I agree with this. How does your son react when you express irritation at him? He's repeatedly and calmly(?) lied to your face, blocking the toilet, and also asking for lifts.. It seems like a deliberate f you. Out of interest has he ever borrowed money and not returned it? If I was in your position I'd give him an ultimatum, he has to attend family therapy with you, or he has 3 months to leave your house. Pay for a room in a house share for 6 months if you want, but stick to your guns

Hamletscigar · 22/02/2025 01:11

God yes, you’ve got to tell him to leave. Give him a month’s notice and keep to this. It’s the only way forward. You’re already disliking and avoiding him, it will turn to toxic contempt very soon.

Devianinc · 22/02/2025 01:15

Where did he get his arrogance from. It sounds like he looks down on you. Do what i did. Kick him out. He’ll figure it out but just needs a push.

LadyWiddiothethird · 22/02/2025 01:18

Definitely ask him to leave,he sounds an utter nightmare.

MyrtlethePurpleTurtle · 22/02/2025 01:20

pinkyredrose · 21/02/2025 14:48

Congratulations, your son sounds like a cocklodger.

Show quote history

I thought a cocklodger was a guy who essentially traded sex for free lodging and what have you, a sort of lazy gold digger?

Umidontknow · 22/02/2025 01:20

Whether he is depressed, has SEN issues (which would probably have been flagged by his school) or he is just plain lazy getting a job is a must. Set a date and start charging him rent. It's not optional, he either moves out or pays you rent. If you feel guilty charging rent, save the money he gives you to give back to him to help him further down the line (although honestly I wouldn't feel guilty at all at this point). Stop giving him lifts too. He is old enough to drive himself so he needs to get and pay for a car. As the gym seems to be the only thing he is interested in maybe suggest him training to be a PT or something along those lines.

Devianinc · 22/02/2025 01:20

And everyone has issues. There’s no such thing as a perfect upbringing. Every parent makes mistakes.

Haveyouseenmywife · 22/02/2025 01:26

Treat yourself, get the builders or decorators in to give your bedroom an upgrade. Have a date for them to come.

Tell him you will need to move into his bedroom whilst the work is being done. And that his room will then need to be repurposed to a home office/bedroom for one of his siblings/a nanny/ a lodger after that. And he will need to move out.

Say that you and his dad can help him cover the first 3 months of renting a room elsewhere and then after that you can't afford to help and he must self fund.

If he asks to come back be sympathetic but say no and stick to the plan. If you can, try to be away, go on an extended holiday with his siblings, essentially be preoccupied in 3 months time when the support runs out so he really feels on his own and the independence kicks in. Be less available, don't answer your phone as much. Oh and change the locks. He'll get there.

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