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Original poster

He broke up with me because he MIGHT want children

294 replies

Jyali25 · 16/02/2025 09:51

My b/f and I celebrated our 2 year anniversary last month.

The backstory, I am 41 and a single mum with 4 children (5,10,14 and 16). From our first conversation I told him I did not want anymore and I remained consistent with that. He is 38 and he initially said he was 70/30 then 50/50 about having kids. He said his mindset was that if he was dating a women who wanted kids, he would be open to it, and if he met someone who didn't then it wasn't a deal breaker. He said at his age he didn't want to start changing diapers, he felt tired and that he is more interested in travelling. He also said it was a bonus that I have kids as he gets to be part of children's lives without starting again.

The 2 years have been great with ups and downs but mostly ups. A few days ago we decided to meet up about us in terms of any issues, marriage etc. I hadn't seen him for a month as he has been on holiday.

I entirely went there excited about discussing the future and all seemed positive until I asked what should we work towards long term. He said he wants us to think marriage but he has to be honest with me. He mentioned while on holiday he was in a crash and he saw his life flash before him and he realised he was leaving behind no legacy. He also said his brother has been telling him he is selfish for not wanting kids.

He then said up to now he is still 50/50 but he is concerned that we get married, are happy with the 4 children but then he might want us to add on a biological one. I told him I have been consistently honest that I don't want more kids. I'm about to be 42, I've raised my kids single handedly for 6 years and I'm finally at a stage where I can start self care and think of myself a bit more. I have told him all this from the beginning.

He said he is scared his 50/50 might turn into 100 and he knows if that happens I won't be able to give him that. I asked what he was saying and he said logically we should part ways. I got up to leave and he asked can he still be part of the children's lives. I told him he has their numbers and I wouldn't stop him as it wouldn't be fair to the kids or him. I said I wish him the best and left the cafe where we met.

He then sent a message saying he didn't expect the conversation to go in that direction. He cares about me and that the children and I are important and to him. He said it is for the best and kept saying because he might want kids. I did not respond to the message.

I am heart broken for myself and the kids. He met all my family, we have been on 4 holidays with the kids and him and now this.
I was frustrated because he kept saying "might" and "I'm not saying I want kids but I'm still unsure." I have been so clear with him.

Anyways I have deleted him to avoid temptation of checkinG in on him or his statuses but I have not blocked him. I am so hurt as it took me a lot to let him into our lives. I was previously in an abusive relationship and after I left it took 4.5 years to work on myself so getting into this relationship took a lot.

I don't know why I'm posting just looking for insight, support, feedback, similar experiences, real truth and I'm not opposed to tough love. I have gone no contact. He broke up with me on Saturday and I have not spoken to him since or responded to his last message... it just really hurts

OP posts:
Justalittlehandhold · 16/02/2025 09:55

My guess is that the “crash” was with another woman.

Sorry OP.

Original poster
Jyali25 · 16/02/2025 09:59

Justalittlehandhold · 16/02/2025 09:55

My guess is that the “crash” was with another woman.

Sorry OP.

You might be right, I did see evidence of his injuries, however at this point anything is possible and I don’t want to be naive

OP posts:
MintTwirl · 16/02/2025 09:59

He met someone else would be my first thought. I’m sorry OP.

Original poster
Jyali25 · 16/02/2025 10:01

MintTwirl · 16/02/2025 09:59

He met someone else would be my first thought. I’m sorry OP.

I appreciate your response thank you..

OP posts:
Pinkstuffs · 16/02/2025 10:03

He possibly met someone else. But I can’t help thinking if a woman posted this with roles reversed, most posters would tell her to break up with the partner if they were misaligned on having children.

Jabtastic · 16/02/2025 10:04

I think he has been honest with you and saved you from hurt in years to come.

NinaNobody · 16/02/2025 10:05

He's saying he had a crash on holiday so bad that 'his life flashed before his eyes' and that was the first you were hearing of it? 🤔

He's 38. He should know if he wants kids or not by now.
I

DisplayPurposesOnly · 16/02/2025 10:06

I think you're right to walk away from the relationship and leave him alone to calculating his percentages.

I find it odd that he had a crash whilst on holiday and he didn't tell you about it till he got back. I'm not leaping to 'another woman', just that it's poor communication (or bollocks).

Original poster
Jyali25 · 16/02/2025 10:06

Jabtastic · 16/02/2025 10:04

I think he has been honest with you and saved you from hurt in years to come.

Yes you are right! It could have been worse if I had invested another 2 years or even moved on to marriage so I need to look at it from that perspective

OP posts:
FTTTC2025 · 16/02/2025 10:07

I completely understand your frustration but he is allowed to change his mind and it’s better that he’s honest and tells you. I didn’t immediately think other woman but perhaps I’m wrong.

Bibi12 · 16/02/2025 10:08

OP when he said he was 50/50 about kids and you were 100% sure you didn't want them it was time to realise you were incompatible. You're at different life stages and it's highly likely you will fundamentally want different things.
That makes the relationship very fragile and you have to also consider your children and their stability.

Doingmybest12 · 16/02/2025 10:09

He's looking for a way out of a long term commitment to you, he's kept you dangling. But also fair enough to think he may want his own children one day and you can move on separately.

baileys6904 · 16/02/2025 10:10

If a woman had posted that she was currently childless but thought she might want children in the future and her partner of 2 years had a hard no on the subject, she would be told to cut her losses and leave.

Why is it any less feasible that a man should feel the same, not every relationship issue can be cast aside with a 'they met someone else'. It's minimising other issues couples can face.

OP, as painful as it may be, it's better to fCe the issue now, that 5 years down the line, with a marriage ad relationship more entrenched. He has a right to want children even if it's not 100% yet and actually may be trying to do the right thing

Nothitrockbottomyet · 16/02/2025 10:11

He is making excuses OP.
Something has happened on his holiday- met someone else? Seen the attractiveness of the single life?
If the crash story was correct he would surely have mentioned such a significant event at the time.
I would just end things with him OP.

Original poster
Jyali25 · 16/02/2025 10:12

NinaNobody · 16/02/2025 10:05

He's saying he had a crash on holiday so bad that 'his life flashed before his eyes' and that was the first you were hearing of it? 🤔

He's 38. He should know if he wants kids or not by now.
I

He mentioned the crash a week before we met and kept saying sorry for being distant as I feel really traumatised.

when he returned we arranged to meet up and that was our last conversation.

OP posts:
GutsyGertrude · 16/02/2025 10:13

It's an excuse to get out of the relationship op. The reason for that may be another woman or maybe not. But either way, I think he wants out 💐

cgk · 16/02/2025 10:14

You’re right to walk away no contact.

I’d say he’s been up to something on holiday based on this happening upon his return.

Original poster
Jyali25 · 16/02/2025 10:14

DisplayPurposesOnly · 16/02/2025 10:06

I think you're right to walk away from the relationship and leave him alone to calculating his percentages.

I find it odd that he had a crash whilst on holiday and he didn't tell you about it till he got back. I'm not leaping to 'another woman', just that it's poor communication (or bollocks).

He told me about the crash before hand but said he didn’t want to worry me, it’s only when he met up that he told me how bad it was and his decision.

I'm glad I walked away, I at the very least left with grace and without lowering myself

OP posts:
dontcryformeargentina · 16/02/2025 10:14

It sounds like he isn't that into you at this stage but scared to be honest. Are you the most dominant one in your relationship? The way you have approached the conversation shows that you are the driving force here. I'm sorry it happened but you need a man who is on the same page as you and not a snowflake.

OneWittySquid · 16/02/2025 10:14

It's been a relevantly short relationship and in that time he was in two minds about kids now he respected your decision you don't want anymore you've parted ways I fail to see what he's done wrong here. Relationships break up all the time doesn't mean there's always another women waiting in the wings.

2chocolateoranges · 16/02/2025 10:15

You are right to walk away but he is right to be honest about his feelings and is allowed to change his mind.

ItGhoul · 16/02/2025 10:15

I realise it’s hurtful, but honestly, if it’s possible he might want kids, it’s the correct decision for him to leave. And it’s better now than years down the line.

whatsappdoc · 16/02/2025 10:15

Sounds like he was hoping you'd beg and plead a bit for the relationship and possibly back down about further children. Well done for being straight with him and I agree, best to end things now. He can't help being on the fence so you and he are not compatible for a long term future.

Original poster
Jyali25 · 16/02/2025 10:15

FTTTC2025 · 16/02/2025 10:07

I completely understand your frustration but he is allowed to change his mind and it’s better that he’s honest and tells you. I didn’t immediately think other woman but perhaps I’m wrong.

You are right, he is allowed to change his mind.. I just wish he hadn’t let me invest me and my children’s emotions but I guess hindsight is a beautiful thing

OP posts:
RedRock41 · 16/02/2025 10:16

It’s natural he might want his own children as well as being a step parent. Know you feel hard done by OP but telling him from day 1 you wanted no more didn’t mean he had to agree or that one day he couldn’t change his mind.
It’s a sad situation and just hoping you both end up finding the happiness you deserve. Looks like that won’t be together though.

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