He broke up with me because he MIGHT want children

[Jyali25]

My b/f and I celebrated our 2 year anniversary last month.

The backstory, I am 41 and a single mum with 4 children (5,10,14 and 16). From our first conversation I told him I did not want anymore and I remained consistent with that. He is 38 and he initially said he was 70/30 then 50/50 about having kids. He said his mindset was that if he was dating a women who wanted kids, he would be open to it, and if he met someone who didn't then it wasn't a deal breaker. He said at his age he didn't want to start changing diapers, he felt tired and that he is more interested in travelling. He also said it was a bonus that I have kids as he gets to be part of children's lives without starting again.

The 2 years have been great with ups and downs but mostly ups. A few days ago we decided to meet up about us in terms of any issues, marriage etc. I hadn't seen him for a month as he has been on holiday.

I entirely went there excited about discussing the future and all seemed positive until I asked what should we work towards long term. He said he wants us to think marriage but he has to be honest with me. He mentioned while on holiday he was in a crash and he saw his life flash before him and he realised he was leaving behind no legacy. He also said his brother has been telling him he is selfish for not wanting kids.

He then said up to now he is still 50/50 but he is concerned that we get married, are happy with the 4 children but then he might want us to add on a biological one. I told him I have been consistently honest that I don't want more kids. I'm about to be 42, I've raised my kids single handedly for 6 years and I'm finally at a stage where I can start self care and think of myself a bit more. I have told him all this from the beginning.

He said he is scared his 50/50 might turn into 100 and he knows if that happens I won't be able to give him that. I asked what he was saying and he said logically we should part ways. I got up to leave and he asked can he still be part of the children's lives. I told him he has their numbers and I wouldn't stop him as it wouldn't be fair to the kids or him. I said I wish him the best and left the cafe where we met.

He then sent a message saying he didn't expect the conversation to go in that direction. He cares about me and that the children and I are important and to him. He said it is for the best and kept saying because he might want kids. I did not respond to the message.

I am heart broken for myself and the kids. He met all my family, we have been on 4 holidays with the kids and him and now this.
I was frustrated because he kept saying "might" and "I'm not saying I want kids but I'm still unsure." I have been so clear with him.

Anyways I have deleted him to avoid temptation of checkinG in on him or his statuses but I have not blocked him. I am so hurt as it took me a lot to let him into our lives. I was previously in an abusive relationship and after I left it took 4.5 years to work on myself so getting into this relationship took a lot.

I don't know why I'm posting just looking for insight, support, feedback, similar experiences, real truth and I'm not opposed to tough love. I have gone no contact. He broke up with me on Saturday and I have not spoken to him since or responded to his last message... it just really hurts

I've always found it amusing when totally regular and unremarkable men talk about having kids to leave a legacy or carry on the family name, as if they are royalty. Even moreso when their surname is Smith or similar.

At any rate OP, he sounds wishy-washy and the crash story seems sus. It's quite a coincidence he has come to this realisation after going on holiday for a month - makes me wonder if he's met another woman.

You had a nice two years.
He is not for you.
"Tired" at 38??!!!

I don’t think it even has to be an unhealthy level of influence. Obviously the ‘it’s selfish not to have children’ position is nonsense (selfish to whom? Children who don’t actually exist?), but if the OP’s ex genuinely had his life pass before him in a crash, his brother’s remark may have made him take the part of his own psyche that wasn’t quite sure about giving up on children more seriously.

I was childfree till I was almost 40, so completely used to the demented remarks total strangers would come out with, but a thoughtful conversation with one of my closest friends ‘hit’ differently.

Thank you, I appreciate your words and I do believe subconsciously I did ignore it especially the closer we got

Of course he’s allowed to acknowledge his position on being a parent will likely change. Whereas you already are a parent and are not want any more children. He’s still young, he wants options. He’s right to end it. You both want different things

OP going against the grain here (and my experience of being the childless person in this situation) I think both of your honesty is commendable.

There is still resentment in my marriage as I was clear I wanted two kids and my partner didn’t and never told me. He took the choice away from me about if staying with him was right for me or not by withholding information. It’s incredibly hard to get over. You both want different things and that’s ok.

I'm sorry about the break up. Xx

I feel sorry that your relationship has ended but I don’t get where he’s coming from.

My friend was in a similar situation.
She wasn’t sure whether she wanted kids or not but didn’t want to be with someone who definitely didn’t want them in case she changed her mind. So ended her loving relationship over it.

It doesn’t take away your pain but just know this isn’t about you. You’ve done nothing wrong.
He just needs that option.

Maybe I’m the odd one out but I wouldn’t immediately think other woman, I’d say children are a big thing to have or not have and I’d always say it’s really too big of a thing to compromise on. It’s sensible that if he’s really thinking he does want that then this relationship isn’t the one for him, although I know that doesn’t make the break up easier for you

Agreed. I can't see he has done anything wrong here, you have both been honest with each other about your wants and needs and they now don't align.

You've had the experience of having your own children four times. You have your legacy, and many will envy you that. He may well have honestly quite enjoyed the dad-lite experience.

He's never had children himself and at his age he's looking at a time when his friends may have children nearly grown, and in a few years they may be grandparents. My SIL was a grandmother at 42.

That line to the future doesn't stretch out for him.

A brush with mortality can massively change how you see your life and choices.

And other people's opinions can be taken to heart.

I'm thoughtful that he went off for a month travelling, though. Were you invited? I think that wanderlust would become something of an issue in your relationship - and I'd bet if there was a new baby in the mix, he'd somehow still be buggering off finding himself or whatever he was doing, leaving you dealing with five.

Realistically the chances of conceiving again are low.

And he's told you the truth. He has the right to change his mind, to evolve when the time and experience.

But I think he was hoping for it all - keeping up with your kids, the occasional fuck and a place to stay with you when it suited him, going off into the sunset whenever he feels like it and now maybe finding a younger baby mama to fulfil his breeding programme.

Move on.

I think that was fine. MN can be quite harsh on this and say 'you introduced them too soon' and of course that's because of people who go 'it's been a month, here's your new daddy!' but I also think you need to actually try out how someone is suited to step parenthood before taking further steps. You have done the right thing in all this. It's a shame it didn't work out better but that's life sometimes.

Thank you for sharing your experience and I’m sorry that that’s how it turned out for you, hugs to you

38 is closer to 40 than 36. To be fair, he never committed to never wanting children and it seems that he said that?

I‘M sorry for your hurt but he hasn’t done anything wrong (unless he’s cheated).

It’s sad but no one is being unreasonable, he sounds like he’s dealt with it maturely and lesson learnt on your side to not invest time in a childless male who is 50:50 about having kids when you don’t want any more. I would say men with kids already or men older you and past their child rearing years and who are firmly no kids ever, are a much better bet? But the former might be better as then you get a man who loves kids and will be more likely to love yours - I can’t imagine many “no kids ever” men would make fabulous step dads!

Neither of you have done anything wrong. He’s changed his mind and he has every right to. You’re hurt and disappointed and you have every right to be.

Last time I looked at an online dating site, 2023, there were dozens of 50+ men open to, or actively looking to, have children.

Desiring children is the most natural feeling in the world. It suddenly hitting you that you might not ever have any- when you’re with a partner who won’t have any with you- it’s totally understandable. Not sure what is wrong with the people on here, whether it is low emotional intelligence or misandry.

His thoughts are natural, it is the minority of people who are content to grow old without having any children of their own. Step children are step children, you can love them, but it’s not a replacement for having your own child/children. I’m actually amazed OP at your lack of insight throughout this. Ultimately, he may (very understandably) want kids- you are not open to even discuss that, never mind give him that- let him go, kindly, and find what is a natural desire, as you don’t want that with him. I’m sure it was as hard for him as it is for you, both of you have choices here and both aren’t willing to move away from your own vision of the future, it happens

Try to stay calm & pleasant. I also think I he did the right thing. If he's not being truthful then even better & you're well rid of him.
Not easy to hear when you're hurting but would be so much worse if it happened down the line. Hope you've a gentle day ahead of you 💐

Yes I was invited but didn’t want to leave my children and work while he is self employed.

i do believe he hasn’t though having children through as he met me at an easier stage with my children and wants to continue to travel 4/5 times per year for 5 days up to 2 weeks at a time

either way that’s his decision to explore

Considering your ages time is ticking fertility wise for you. Men don’t have that pressure. He was enjoying your relationship by the sounds of it but now he needs to realistic. He may not have been sure about children. But now he knows he does. He’s allowed to change his mind. In any relationship people walk away. I know it hurts but he isn’t the right one if you want different things.

Also, being with you and your kids may well actually have made him want his own more.

You should be proud of how you handled it.

I do think the late 30s are a reflective, transitional time so it rings true that he's bringing this up now. It sounds like he's done you both a favour by ending it when he did. It's sad that your relationship wasn't to be but hopefully in time you can look back fondly on the good times you did have.

i can’t really blame him for wanting his own children. I’m sure you know the feeling of wanting a child yourself having had 4. I don’t necessarily think there is another woman. To me it sounds like he is really into your relationship but torn because he wants his own biological child.

Sounds like he's quite sure he does want them. It's a bit pathetic at 36 when you met to "not know" imo, but by the same token, you also entered into a relationship with him, knowing that your wishes might not be aligned.

Sorry though, it's unfortunate for you both x