He broke up with me because he MIGHT want children

[Jyali25]

My b/f and I celebrated our 2 year anniversary last month.

The backstory, I am 41 and a single mum with 4 children (5,10,14 and 16). From our first conversation I told him I did not want anymore and I remained consistent with that. He is 38 and he initially said he was 70/30 then 50/50 about having kids. He said his mindset was that if he was dating a women who wanted kids, he would be open to it, and if he met someone who didn't then it wasn't a deal breaker. He said at his age he didn't want to start changing diapers, he felt tired and that he is more interested in travelling. He also said it was a bonus that I have kids as he gets to be part of children's lives without starting again.

The 2 years have been great with ups and downs but mostly ups. A few days ago we decided to meet up about us in terms of any issues, marriage etc. I hadn't seen him for a month as he has been on holiday.

I entirely went there excited about discussing the future and all seemed positive until I asked what should we work towards long term. He said he wants us to think marriage but he has to be honest with me. He mentioned while on holiday he was in a crash and he saw his life flash before him and he realised he was leaving behind no legacy. He also said his brother has been telling him he is selfish for not wanting kids.

He then said up to now he is still 50/50 but he is concerned that we get married, are happy with the 4 children but then he might want us to add on a biological one. I told him I have been consistently honest that I don't want more kids. I'm about to be 42, I've raised my kids single handedly for 6 years and I'm finally at a stage where I can start self care and think of myself a bit more. I have told him all this from the beginning.

He said he is scared his 50/50 might turn into 100 and he knows if that happens I won't be able to give him that. I asked what he was saying and he said logically we should part ways. I got up to leave and he asked can he still be part of the children's lives. I told him he has their numbers and I wouldn't stop him as it wouldn't be fair to the kids or him. I said I wish him the best and left the cafe where we met.

He then sent a message saying he didn't expect the conversation to go in that direction. He cares about me and that the children and I are important and to him. He said it is for the best and kept saying because he might want kids. I did not respond to the message.

I am heart broken for myself and the kids. He met all my family, we have been on 4 holidays with the kids and him and now this.
I was frustrated because he kept saying "might" and "I'm not saying I want kids but I'm still unsure." I have been so clear with him.

Anyways I have deleted him to avoid temptation of checkinG in on him or his statuses but I have not blocked him. I am so hurt as it took me a lot to let him into our lives. I was previously in an abusive relationship and after I left it took 4.5 years to work on myself so getting into this relationship took a lot.

I don't know why I'm posting just looking for insight, support, feedback, similar experiences, real truth and I'm not opposed to tough love. I have gone no contact. He broke up with me on Saturday and I have not spoken to him since or responded to his last message... it just really hurts

Yes was a single mother of 3 who was taken advantage of and got pregnant as a result. I’d hoped I wouldn’t have to go into that

Yes, was a single mother of 3 who was taken advantage of and got pregnant as a result. I’d hoped I wouldn’t have to go into that

I think he has been really sensible, it wouldn't be fair to stay with you if he knows he will eventually leave.
I think you were naive at best, selfish at worst, to pursue a relationship with him when you were clear you didn't want more children and he wasn't saying he was 100% against having them from the outset.
Better you know now than he cheats or breaks your heart after you're married.

He's been honest with you like you've been honest with him. So I wouldn't feel angry with him. He's done nothing wrong, he's been up front. You too. That's it.

He's saying if you really won't ever consider another kid then that could break the relationsihp for him. You had two choices: stick to your guns, or reconsider. You stuck with what you feel. Good. End of. That's it.

The implication I feel in your post is that somehow he's being unreasonable in wanting a kid.

He so isn't. HE HAS NO KIDS. You have 4. How would you feel if he had 4 and you had none, you said tentatively you might want one and he said no way would he ever even consider it?

You are not a good match and it's over, and that is good. You need someone who doesn't need kids because they, like you, already have some.

Oops deleted before I could read what @Hwi said.
Sounds unintelligible from other posters.

I didn't immediately think he'd met someone else, as it seems he would have one with you but you don't want that (and that's fine). But it's likely he wasn't as honest about wanting kids from the beginning. Or as time is going on, he's realised he actually does want a child of his own and at 38, time is getting on.
It doesn't make either of you bad, but you just want different things.

Your life experiences are misaligned. It would be utterly selfish of you to expect him not to want to experience the same things you have.

All is well that ends well because OP’s priorities are very clear and she has done thevright thing ending the relationship.

I want to point out that mr “I want a legacy maybe” isn’t really all that. Lots of men want a child but don’t want to be a partner or a parent. In fact this happens quite frequently with men asking for a baby and then walking out. Lets not get sentimental about him.

He's only 38, and allowed to change his mind. It was always a possibility that someone who moved from 70:30 to 50:50 was likely to want kids. He was changing his mind before the holiday or the crash so it's unfair to think he was cheating. He's been honest with you and done it f2f so not sure what else you want from him?

Of course you're heart broken and ot sucks. But don't demonise him because he doesn't deserve that and hasn't wasted your time or come up with this out of blue. It's a lesson to only date someone 100% sure they don't want kids. If they say they're open to it, there's always the possibility it could change. There's so many women at 38 who aren't sure, and there's 40 years of life left.

Whatever happens do not get back with him though and there's no need for an ex bf of 2 years to stay in touch with your kids: it won't let you move on and will be unfair to them if he meets someone else, has kids and loses touch.

Sorry this happened to you OP, but things will feel better in time and you'll see this was the best decision for both of you.

This must be hard for you, self care right now to get over him. Try and create some super plans for you and the children.

I am sorry but I do agree with other posters this is for the best for you both. I would never advocate anyone staying when a desire for children is mismatched.

This is Mumsnet. A lot of women on here will perform the most ridiculous mental gymnastics to make pretty much everything the man's fault

It’s quite odd that you’re so keen to know about this.

I presumed the OP was just changing irrelevant details in order to be less easily identified irl. It’s what I think whenever I notice discrepancies like this. No need for outing explanations.

Congratulations on building a good life for your family, OP. Sad about the bf, and I think he may well regret giving up a family he already knew and presumably enjoyed being with. Even the teenagers!

If he finds someone else, he’ll have all the joy of sleepless nights and nappies in his 40s, and teenagers in his 50s. 😄

But if he stayed with you, he’d be if not actually dating other women, at least always open to the opportunity of starting a new relationship. That would be a bad situation for everyone.

I agree! But we all know it happens unfortunately.

You seem very clear, kind and honest OP. He is unlikely to easily find another woman like you. I find it a bit odd how men say they want kids as a legacy, it's like they see kids as an extension of themselves rather than humans in their own right. If he doesn't want to change nappies then he's got no business wanting kids, in my view. It's the Elon Musk approach to parenting.
His brother sounds like he has some very odd views, he's probably disapproved of you as a fallen woman or some nonsense.