He broke up with me because he MIGHT want children

[Jyali25]

My b/f and I celebrated our 2 year anniversary last month.

The backstory, I am 41 and a single mum with 4 children (5,10,14 and 16). From our first conversation I told him I did not want anymore and I remained consistent with that. He is 38 and he initially said he was 70/30 then 50/50 about having kids. He said his mindset was that if he was dating a women who wanted kids, he would be open to it, and if he met someone who didn't then it wasn't a deal breaker. He said at his age he didn't want to start changing diapers, he felt tired and that he is more interested in travelling. He also said it was a bonus that I have kids as he gets to be part of children's lives without starting again.

The 2 years have been great with ups and downs but mostly ups. A few days ago we decided to meet up about us in terms of any issues, marriage etc. I hadn't seen him for a month as he has been on holiday.

I entirely went there excited about discussing the future and all seemed positive until I asked what should we work towards long term. He said he wants us to think marriage but he has to be honest with me. He mentioned while on holiday he was in a crash and he saw his life flash before him and he realised he was leaving behind no legacy. He also said his brother has been telling him he is selfish for not wanting kids.

He then said up to now he is still 50/50 but he is concerned that we get married, are happy with the 4 children but then he might want us to add on a biological one. I told him I have been consistently honest that I don't want more kids. I'm about to be 42, I've raised my kids single handedly for 6 years and I'm finally at a stage where I can start self care and think of myself a bit more. I have told him all this from the beginning.

He said he is scared his 50/50 might turn into 100 and he knows if that happens I won't be able to give him that. I asked what he was saying and he said logically we should part ways. I got up to leave and he asked can he still be part of the children's lives. I told him he has their numbers and I wouldn't stop him as it wouldn't be fair to the kids or him. I said I wish him the best and left the cafe where we met.

He then sent a message saying he didn't expect the conversation to go in that direction. He cares about me and that the children and I are important and to him. He said it is for the best and kept saying because he might want kids. I did not respond to the message.

I am heart broken for myself and the kids. He met all my family, we have been on 4 holidays with the kids and him and now this.
I was frustrated because he kept saying "might" and "I'm not saying I want kids but I'm still unsure." I have been so clear with him.

Anyways I have deleted him to avoid temptation of checkinG in on him or his statuses but I have not blocked him. I am so hurt as it took me a lot to let him into our lives. I was previously in an abusive relationship and after I left it took 4.5 years to work on myself so getting into this relationship took a lot.

I don't know why I'm posting just looking for insight, support, feedback, similar experiences, real truth and I'm not opposed to tough love. I have gone no contact. He broke up with me on Saturday and I have not spoken to him since or responded to his last message... it just really hurts

OP, I'd not mull over his reasonings and take what he says at face value. It all adds up to me at as I was nearing 40 I changed my mind on having kids

I think you e handled the situation well but I would honestly look back on the relationship and assess all the wonderful and positive things to take from it as he seems like a decent man
-you moved on from an abusive relationship and reset the mould on what non toxic relationship looks like
-you had some fantastic holidays with him
-you've shown the kids that life moves on and what healthy should be
-you were able to process and handle his change of heart with maturity and honesty and walk away

Take from it that life moves on and will again. You will met someone who is compatible and you've armed yourself with some great experiences when you finally meet them

Thank you, I agree that mulling over the reasons will drive me crazy- I am just accepting it for what it is., and Im proud of how I handled it..

Agree with this.
He's realised he wants kids more than he originally said, people are allowed to change their minds.
You don't want any more which is also more than understandable.
At least he's been honest with you, you're both at different life stages and better to find out now.

I'm sorry OP, it must be very hurtful. I don't think either of you is wrong; you just want different things, and you've both made the right choice here. It's good that he was honest, and I think you handled it brilliantly by being decisive and actually listening to his words rather than letting this run on. A lot of women bury their heads in the sand (though usually about themselves wanting children and their partner being unsure.) Also kudos to you for thinking of your kids first and leaving the door open for them to be in contact with them if they choose.

It's sad, but I don't think he's done anything wrong. He hasn't lied, his feeling have changed. That can't be helped.
People can completely change their minds on having kids.

If someone might want kids even 1% and you don’t I would have said that’s a no go from the start personally.

I’ve learnt that the hard way

At 38, he should have some idea if having biological children, is something he wants or not. However, at this point he is saying he 'might' want children in the future. You have consistently said that you are not interested in having more children. In all honesty, a 'might' is enough doubt, that he'd be happy long-term with only step-children, rather than biological. You have made the correct decision in walking away from the relationship. A friend of mine had a boyfriend, who consistently told her that he wasn't interested in getting married - they moved in together - and after years, probably boarding on 5+ years, she asked him when he thought he might like to get married!! It turned out, she went along with the idea of him not wanting marriage, because she thought in time he'd 'change his mind'!!!! He never, he was consistent and never lied to her. He ended up breaking up with her, because didn't want marriage and she very clearly did. Be very grateful that you have enough sense to not stay in a relationship, hoping he will ultimately be happy with step-children. It's saved you wasting your time, and heartache, in the future.

Thank you and I agree, I wouldn’t want to live with the resentment that comes with it. I appreciate your response

Ugh, I can't stand it when people (most often men) want children because to "have a legacy". Children need active parents and may not turn out how you expect and/or want. However, they deserve no less love and respect, regardless of their personalities.

In other words, OP's ex just wants a mini version of himself and there is no way he will ever get that. Any attempts will just make the resulting child miserable.

Why should he?

He's never been 100% sure that he doesn't want them. Women change their mind on this matter too, and life changing events or scares do make people focus on what they want.

I'd personally never trust that man without children wouldn't change his mind at some stage. Its a luxury they have, thst women don't, unfortunately.

I agree with a pp that you'd be left 'holding the baby' if you had one with this man, while he still went on month long jollies.

Sounds to me like he was trying to push you into changing your mind... The whole "I love you and the children but I really want my own" sounds like he was being a bit manipulative into pushing you into having another

I agree too, I’ve had 4 children and my child rearing days are done

He's 38. He should know if he wants kids or not by now. there’s a thread on here somewhere by a woman who is 42 and isn’t sure whether she wants a baby one day but thinks she should maybe end her relationship with her perfect DP and have IVF even though she isn’t desperate for a baby.

The responses on there are overwhelmingly that she should leave, with a few saying that the DP obviously doesn’t love her if he’s not prepared to have a baby with her. Even though he’s been up front from the beginning about not wanting more kids as he already has three.

You say that your DP was always of the view he may want kids one day, the instant he said that the relationship was incompatible.

It's still possible he might come to his senses - actually I'll be surprised if he goes on to have kids. Let's face it - how long is it going to take him to find someone in the position where they are keen to have children - he's got to find them, build that relationship to the point where they want to take that step, then try for children, go through the pregnancy.... and then you have those tough first few years - it's damn hard work and affects everything - work, and his previous holidays... maybe the truth is he doesn't want to be tied down by commitments to a family with kids - maybe he just wanted you as part of a Family With Benefits.

Sorry for your heartache - you handled it as well as anyone could.

You are right, I see that now- better late than never

I think he is right to tell you sooner rather than later. I can see how you might be on the fence but then realizing you're going to be part of other kids lives makes you question that.

Isn't it a bit weird that when your boyfriend of two years comes back from holiday you 'arrange to meet up'? Wouldn't he have been straight over to see you or you to see him? It doesn't sound like the committed relationship, thinking of getting married, described. And if he had been in a bad accident why wouldn't you be there as soon as possible to see if he was OK. Seems like it's over to me.

The standard MN response is ALWAYS that a man has had his head turned. Whatever the circumstances. It’s a given.

I think, based on what you’ve said about him, that he’s likely being honest. I didn’t want kids for most of my life. I only started really considering them at 36, decided I wanted to give it a go when I was 38 (I wasn’t willing to do ivf, so if we hadn’t conceived naturally, that would have been it), got pregnant at 39 and now have DC and I’m very happy. If I’d been with someone other than DH, who was of the same mindset, that could have been a disaster.

People change their minds. The decision to have kids isn’t a straight road for some of us. It’s a really sad situation, but it’s good that this has come out now and he’s been honest about his feelings. I’m very sorry you’re going through this.

I did think that at the time. He kept saying I was a great mother and the only thing stopping him from proposing to me was the fact that I might not be able to give him what he might want in the future

I don't agree that there is another woman. There might be, but people on this site are obsessed with infidelity. I am sorry for OP, but this man is within his rights to want children and he hasn't been dishonest with OP at any point. If the roles were reversed, everyone would be telling OP that he was selfish for holding her back and to leave. If a couple diverges on this incredibly important issue, then the only thing to do is to split.

Thank you, I appreciate your feedback and I did consider in the end that we might have been a convenient option for him

OP - He did say 50/50 so he was transparent with you there.

Sometimes it's just not meant to be and the topic of children is a deal breaker even in the best of relationships.

Painful it is yes, but you have both been clear about what works for you now and that's okay, even if a difficult decision.

Honestly this.