He broke up with me because he MIGHT want children

[Jyali25]

My b/f and I celebrated our 2 year anniversary last month.

The backstory, I am 41 and a single mum with 4 children (5,10,14 and 16). From our first conversation I told him I did not want anymore and I remained consistent with that. He is 38 and he initially said he was 70/30 then 50/50 about having kids. He said his mindset was that if he was dating a women who wanted kids, he would be open to it, and if he met someone who didn't then it wasn't a deal breaker. He said at his age he didn't want to start changing diapers, he felt tired and that he is more interested in travelling. He also said it was a bonus that I have kids as he gets to be part of children's lives without starting again.

The 2 years have been great with ups and downs but mostly ups. A few days ago we decided to meet up about us in terms of any issues, marriage etc. I hadn't seen him for a month as he has been on holiday.

I entirely went there excited about discussing the future and all seemed positive until I asked what should we work towards long term. He said he wants us to think marriage but he has to be honest with me. He mentioned while on holiday he was in a crash and he saw his life flash before him and he realised he was leaving behind no legacy. He also said his brother has been telling him he is selfish for not wanting kids.

He then said up to now he is still 50/50 but he is concerned that we get married, are happy with the 4 children but then he might want us to add on a biological one. I told him I have been consistently honest that I don't want more kids. I'm about to be 42, I've raised my kids single handedly for 6 years and I'm finally at a stage where I can start self care and think of myself a bit more. I have told him all this from the beginning.

He said he is scared his 50/50 might turn into 100 and he knows if that happens I won't be able to give him that. I asked what he was saying and he said logically we should part ways. I got up to leave and he asked can he still be part of the children's lives. I told him he has their numbers and I wouldn't stop him as it wouldn't be fair to the kids or him. I said I wish him the best and left the cafe where we met.

He then sent a message saying he didn't expect the conversation to go in that direction. He cares about me and that the children and I are important and to him. He said it is for the best and kept saying because he might want kids. I did not respond to the message.

I am heart broken for myself and the kids. He met all my family, we have been on 4 holidays with the kids and him and now this.
I was frustrated because he kept saying "might" and "I'm not saying I want kids but I'm still unsure." I have been so clear with him.

Anyways I have deleted him to avoid temptation of checkinG in on him or his statuses but I have not blocked him. I am so hurt as it took me a lot to let him into our lives. I was previously in an abusive relationship and after I left it took 4.5 years to work on myself so getting into this relationship took a lot.

I don't know why I'm posting just looking for insight, support, feedback, similar experiences, real truth and I'm not opposed to tough love. I have gone no contact. He broke up with me on Saturday and I have not spoken to him since or responded to his last message... it just really hurts

Exactly that.

It's ridiculous that so many posters are coming up with scenarios involving other women, or saying that he's pathetic because he wasn't solid on knowing whether he wanted them or not.

He was open from the beginning that he was only 50/50 about kids. When you were 100% about not having them, this was always going to be a likely issue in your relationship. And he has every right to change his mind or firm up his decision, just as tens of thousands of women have and do.

I’m a woman and I suddenly had a lightbulb moment at 40 that I wanted kids to it does happen to both men and women.
I don’t know why everyone jumps to infidelity here. 🤷‍♀️

I don’t see it as he is changing his mind to be honest. He has always been honest with you that he may want kids. You were upfront that you didn’t want anymore. He said he was 50/50. The only way this was ever going to work was if you found someone who categorically didn’t want (or didn’t want anymore) kids.

It’s relatively common that the older people get they can change their mind because they will see it as a last chance to have kids. I think he’s done you a favour. Your body clock has a timer, his not so much. Better he’s done it now than you getting married and in ten years time he realises he actually does want them.

My Mum’s best friend who I call auntie was someone who I always remember not wanting kids. She loved her child free life. She took the fun auntie role seriously but loved her life how it was. Woke up in her early 40’s one day and changed her mind. Left her long term relationship and did IVF alone, now has a 6 year old. It does happen. You see threads on here all the time by slightly older women asking if they’re too old to be a Mum because they think they’re having a change of heart.

Yes I agree. Men have more time to mull over the decision.

Very true! It could be a lot worse and I am trying to appreciate that..

I think you just have to ignore the "crash" thing, whether it happened or not is irrelevant here.
He has been honest about his feelings about having children and I think it is the right thing to do to break up, you can both move on.
Neither if you are wrong in your wants, You have been quite clear you don't want children and he has said he was undecided so it's best to go your separate ways

I think the both of you acted with honesty and emotional maturity.
I also think you're one strong lady who hopefully will find the perfect fit for you and your children. He just wasn't it.

I agree that neither of you have done anything wrong here. He always said he might want DC and that's become stronger for whatever reason, which is fine and happens to women and men all the time whether it's getting closer to 40 or a car crash or any number of reasons. You heard what you wanted to hear, which was that he was theoretically open to not having more children, and you both went with that because you liked each other and things went well for a while. But it wasn't perfect, there were downs as well as ups and more recently you've felt him pulling back, which can often happen before the 2 year mark when long term decisions start to kick in. Bottom line is that you went for a younger man with no DC and unless he was hardline that he didn't want DC, that was always a risk. There are no doubt plenty of older men/men with DC who wouldn't have brought this issue with them and would be more appropriate into your 40s with 4 DC and the justified certainty of not wanting any more.

This is all clear in hindsight but you both got swept up. On balance it's better that it's come out now regardless of why, and you're dealing with it well by detaching and I'm sure that this will model a good way forward for your DC who will be resilient and ultimately better off without him (in the sense that it wasn't right). Take care of yourself and them and when you're feeling ready, rule out younger guys with compatibility issues and I'm sure you'll find someone who'll suit you much better.

I don't really get the relationship dynamic. You've been together 2 years, been on holidays with the dc but he doesn't seem to be at all involved given he swans off for a month on his own. That alone would tell me I wouldn't want to saddle myself with a newborn that he may well decide is too 'tiring' a few months down the line.

Men very often don't have to decide if they want kids or not until they actually have someone pregnant or get married - at that point you get a firm yes or no. Until that point, often they'll be in the "maybe one day" camp, and there is wisdom, purely from their perspective, in not committing before they have to. I get that he doesn't want to give up on the idea and doesn't have to. It's better that he says so now. Better now than when you have even more invested. Still really painful though obviously - sorry OP.

You seem like a pragmatic and positive person.

the relationship seems like it was a broadly good breech back into dating. He was low baggage. There was no abuse. Can you congratulate yourself for having a successful time?

let him go with peace. You were both good for each other at that time. You seem annoyed you let him get so close? Maybe just keep someone more at a distance for a bit longer next time.

People going on at the OP saying "he's done nothing wrong", OP hasn't said what he's done is wrong, she's just posting because she's hurt and "looking for insight, support, feedback, similar experiences, real truth..."

Neither was OP wrong to introduce her ex to her DC, which didn't happen until a year into the relationship, BTW. And a 2 year relationship isn't a short one really, seeing as it was after taking 4 and a half years to recover from a previous abusive relationship.

Sorry you've been blindsided by the breakup OP. I'm another who thinks there may be something, or someone, else in the background. I've no real advice other than it takes time to get over heartbreak and to allow yourself to go through all the emotions and try and look after yourself 🌷

Why does it need to involve anyone else? His explanation sounds very believable. I think many people are a bit undecided about kids until something pushes them. I think he is doing the decent thing, better now than get more emeshed and then leave.

Thank you, I appreciate your words

I mean, assuming he’s telling the truth and hasn’t simply met someone else, it’s not entirely unreasonable. He has the right to want his own children as much as you have the right to not want more. It’s tough, but it wouldn’t be fair to either of you to continue now.

I think you both behaved well. He changed his mind. Many do at his age. Youre both better off moving on

Unsure if there is another women but what struck me was his lack of directness: hiding behind fractions and also making you break up with him. I think that you are better going forward with someone who has the same hopes for the future and someone who can take ownership of their needs and actions

Thank you for taking the time to respond in such a detailed way, I appreciate your insight and wisdom

He's an idiot who lacked the sense to appreciate what he had. Consider yourself well rid of him.

No one's going on at the OP. Several posters have said he's got another woman and is lying about the crash etc so it's fair enough for others to add their views that they don't think that's a factor. It's an insight/feedback same as the others and arguably more positive support moving forward than stirring up suspicions.

Yes. I’m starting to realise I may have been settling over the final 6 months. It’s definitely not a dynamic for a new born and I’m not sure he is being realistic but that’s for him now.

I will need to do more work on healing

You both want different things out of a relationship. It happens unfortunately.

As for kids keeping contact; I think that is quite wishful. Two years is only a small time of connection in the big scheme of things and contact will naturally erode as time goes by especially if he ends up having kids of his own.

Thank you for your response- you brought tears to my eyes and yes I’m congratulating myself and practicing self love! Thanks again

Nearly all the men that I know want kids so I think it is likely that he is being honest. He is getting to the age when most of the people he knows will also have them and it has probably focused his mind.

Thank you so much for your words, I am practicing self love and spending time with myself and children