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Original poster

He broke up with me because he MIGHT want children

294 replies

Jyali25 · 16/02/2025 09:51

My b/f and I celebrated our 2 year anniversary last month.

The backstory, I am 41 and a single mum with 4 children (5,10,14 and 16). From our first conversation I told him I did not want anymore and I remained consistent with that. He is 38 and he initially said he was 70/30 then 50/50 about having kids. He said his mindset was that if he was dating a women who wanted kids, he would be open to it, and if he met someone who didn't then it wasn't a deal breaker. He said at his age he didn't want to start changing diapers, he felt tired and that he is more interested in travelling. He also said it was a bonus that I have kids as he gets to be part of children's lives without starting again.

The 2 years have been great with ups and downs but mostly ups. A few days ago we decided to meet up about us in terms of any issues, marriage etc. I hadn't seen him for a month as he has been on holiday.

I entirely went there excited about discussing the future and all seemed positive until I asked what should we work towards long term. He said he wants us to think marriage but he has to be honest with me. He mentioned while on holiday he was in a crash and he saw his life flash before him and he realised he was leaving behind no legacy. He also said his brother has been telling him he is selfish for not wanting kids.

He then said up to now he is still 50/50 but he is concerned that we get married, are happy with the 4 children but then he might want us to add on a biological one. I told him I have been consistently honest that I don't want more kids. I'm about to be 42, I've raised my kids single handedly for 6 years and I'm finally at a stage where I can start self care and think of myself a bit more. I have told him all this from the beginning.

He said he is scared his 50/50 might turn into 100 and he knows if that happens I won't be able to give him that. I asked what he was saying and he said logically we should part ways. I got up to leave and he asked can he still be part of the children's lives. I told him he has their numbers and I wouldn't stop him as it wouldn't be fair to the kids or him. I said I wish him the best and left the cafe where we met.

He then sent a message saying he didn't expect the conversation to go in that direction. He cares about me and that the children and I are important and to him. He said it is for the best and kept saying because he might want kids. I did not respond to the message.

I am heart broken for myself and the kids. He met all my family, we have been on 4 holidays with the kids and him and now this.
I was frustrated because he kept saying "might" and "I'm not saying I want kids but I'm still unsure." I have been so clear with him.

Anyways I have deleted him to avoid temptation of checkinG in on him or his statuses but I have not blocked him. I am so hurt as it took me a lot to let him into our lives. I was previously in an abusive relationship and after I left it took 4.5 years to work on myself so getting into this relationship took a lot.

I don't know why I'm posting just looking for insight, support, feedback, similar experiences, real truth and I'm not opposed to tough love. I have gone no contact. He broke up with me on Saturday and I have not spoken to him since or responded to his last message... it just really hurts

OP posts:
I2amonlyhereforTheBeer · 16/02/2025 12:30

I do find it odd that a man would say to his brother that it's selfish not to want kids? Is it possible there's creative licence going on here? The crash and seeing your life go before your eyes sounds odd too. Not that you wouldn't see your life flash before your eyes, but that your reaction, on surviving, would be to go forth and multiply. Is he trying to wriggle out of the relationship and is using his over-active imagination to create all sorts of scenarios why he should?

Nonrienderien · 16/02/2025 12:31

You sound like a strong & sensible woman OP. I'm sure you will have no difficulty in meeting someone more compatible.You handled the split with grace & dignity so you can be proud of yourself. It's bound to hurt but eventually you will see it was for the best.

As others have mentioned the next time you become involved with someone make sure they are absolutely insisting from the very beginning they don't want children or add to the children they may already have. Wishing you all the best going forward.

user1492757084 · 16/02/2025 12:33

Op, you were 100% not wanting more children and he was never 100% not wanting them.
You were never on the same page. You know how important your children are so you should understand and be thankful that your BF is honest. He is a loss to you. Sad, but you need to move on.

I hope he meets someone who wants a child.

crankytoes · 16/02/2025 12:39

Why do so many people have to create a bad guy.

I think it is usually so much more basic than all the conspiracy theories on here.

He was always honest that wanting a dc was within him. You sound like you had a lovely connection for a long time. At some point people get to a stage of realising they have to make a decision. There isn't always a baddie.

OP I think you've been way more rational than some of the posters

Original poster
Jyali25 · 16/02/2025 12:41

crankytoes · 16/02/2025 12:39

Why do so many people have to create a bad guy.

I think it is usually so much more basic than all the conspiracy theories on here.

He was always honest that wanting a dc was within him. You sound like you had a lovely connection for a long time. At some point people get to a stage of realising they have to make a decision. There isn't always a baddie.

OP I think you've been way more rational than some of the posters

Thank you, I appreciate it… I do hope he finds what he seeks even if it isn’t with me

OP posts:
Hwi · 16/02/2025 12:46

We have to be honest, with ourselves, first and foremost. Every normal man and every normal woman would always want to have children of their own - not necessarily biologically their own, but their own - for example through adoption (I am not talking about buying children through surrogacy). We have to bear this in mind when embarking on a relationship, always.

Hwi · 16/02/2025 12:47

user1492757084 · 16/02/2025 12:33

Op, you were 100% not wanting more children and he was never 100% not wanting them.
You were never on the same page. You know how important your children are so you should understand and be thankful that your BF is honest. He is a loss to you. Sad, but you need to move on.

I hope he meets someone who wants a child.

This

Hwi · 16/02/2025 12:48

crankytoes · 16/02/2025 12:39

Why do so many people have to create a bad guy.

I think it is usually so much more basic than all the conspiracy theories on here.

He was always honest that wanting a dc was within him. You sound like you had a lovely connection for a long time. At some point people get to a stage of realising they have to make a decision. There isn't always a baddie.

OP I think you've been way more rational than some of the posters

This also

Original poster
Jyali25 · 16/02/2025 12:49

I2amonlyhereforTheBeer · 16/02/2025 12:30

I do find it odd that a man would say to his brother that it's selfish not to want kids? Is it possible there's creative licence going on here? The crash and seeing your life go before your eyes sounds odd too. Not that you wouldn't see your life flash before your eyes, but that your reaction, on surviving, would be to go forth and multiply. Is he trying to wriggle out of the relationship and is using his over-active imagination to create all sorts of scenarios why he should?

Well the denomination of Christianity that his brother belongs to believes marriage should result in children and choosing not to have them is selfish- unless there are medical reasons that stop this from happening. I have visited such a church in the past so I do believe this is his brothers stance

OP posts:
DisplayPurposesOnly · 16/02/2025 12:50

Every normal man and every normal woman would always want to have children of their own - not necessarily biologically their own, but their own - for example through adoption (I am not talking about buying children through surrogacy)

Don't be so ridiculous. It's perfectly possible to be 'normal' and not want children.

madamweb · 16/02/2025 12:50

baileys6904 · 16/02/2025 10:10

If a woman had posted that she was currently childless but thought she might want children in the future and her partner of 2 years had a hard no on the subject, she would be told to cut her losses and leave.

Why is it any less feasible that a man should feel the same, not every relationship issue can be cast aside with a 'they met someone else'. It's minimising other issues couples can face.

OP, as painful as it may be, it's better to fCe the issue now, that 5 years down the line, with a marriage ad relationship more entrenched. He has a right to want children even if it's not 100% yet and actually may be trying to do the right thing

Totally agree with this.
Well done for being always honest op, it sounds like he has been figuring out what he wants and that's ok too

Original poster
Jyali25 · 16/02/2025 12:51

Nonrienderien · 16/02/2025 12:31

You sound like a strong & sensible woman OP. I'm sure you will have no difficulty in meeting someone more compatible.You handled the split with grace & dignity so you can be proud of yourself. It's bound to hurt but eventually you will see it was for the best.

As others have mentioned the next time you become involved with someone make sure they are absolutely insisting from the very beginning they don't want children or add to the children they may already have. Wishing you all the best going forward.

Thank you - lesson learned

OP posts:
Britishsavoy · 16/02/2025 12:52

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iamnotalemon · 16/02/2025 12:52

It's better he's honest now about it. It must be tough though.

Original poster
Jyali25 · 16/02/2025 12:53

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1 year

OP posts:
Britishsavoy · 16/02/2025 12:54

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Original poster
Jyali25 · 16/02/2025 12:56

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My mum gives me child care on a one evening/night a week and a day on the weekends 😊

i don’t know what I would do without her!

OP posts:
Britishsavoy · 16/02/2025 13:00

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ExercicenformedeZ · 16/02/2025 13:00

DisplayPurposesOnly · 16/02/2025 12:50

Every normal man and every normal woman would always want to have children of their own - not necessarily biologically their own, but their own - for example through adoption (I am not talking about buying children through surrogacy)

Don't be so ridiculous. It's perfectly possible to be 'normal' and not want children.

To be fair, I think that the poster meant that if someone wants children at all, they want them to be their own. Rather than 'everyone wants children'. I don't want children, but if I ever had, I would definitely want my own and not stepkids. I would never entertain dating a man with children for an instant.

Britishsavoy · 16/02/2025 13:01

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I2amonlyhereforTheBeer · 16/02/2025 13:01

Jyali25 · 16/02/2025 12:49

Well the denomination of Christianity that his brother belongs to believes marriage should result in children and choosing not to have them is selfish- unless there are medical reasons that stop this from happening. I have visited such a church in the past so I do believe this is his brothers stance

Show quote history

Are you God? How's it looking up there?

Britishsavoy · 16/02/2025 13:02

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Original poster
Jyali25 · 16/02/2025 13:02

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i paid 75 percent and he paid the other 25 and we split expenses while we were there

OP posts:
Original poster
Jyali25 · 16/02/2025 13:03

I2amonlyhereforTheBeer · 16/02/2025 13:01

Are you God? How's it looking up there?

Show quote history

This is not my view, I’m just explaining what their belief is

OP posts:
Original poster
Jyali25 · 16/02/2025 13:04

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I’m lucky to be in a position where this was and is a possibility for me.

OP posts: