He broke up with me because he MIGHT want children

[Jyali25]

My b/f and I celebrated our 2 year anniversary last month.

The backstory, I am 41 and a single mum with 4 children (5,10,14 and 16). From our first conversation I told him I did not want anymore and I remained consistent with that. He is 38 and he initially said he was 70/30 then 50/50 about having kids. He said his mindset was that if he was dating a women who wanted kids, he would be open to it, and if he met someone who didn't then it wasn't a deal breaker. He said at his age he didn't want to start changing diapers, he felt tired and that he is more interested in travelling. He also said it was a bonus that I have kids as he gets to be part of children's lives without starting again.

The 2 years have been great with ups and downs but mostly ups. A few days ago we decided to meet up about us in terms of any issues, marriage etc. I hadn't seen him for a month as he has been on holiday.

I entirely went there excited about discussing the future and all seemed positive until I asked what should we work towards long term. He said he wants us to think marriage but he has to be honest with me. He mentioned while on holiday he was in a crash and he saw his life flash before him and he realised he was leaving behind no legacy. He also said his brother has been telling him he is selfish for not wanting kids.

He then said up to now he is still 50/50 but he is concerned that we get married, are happy with the 4 children but then he might want us to add on a biological one. I told him I have been consistently honest that I don't want more kids. I'm about to be 42, I've raised my kids single handedly for 6 years and I'm finally at a stage where I can start self care and think of myself a bit more. I have told him all this from the beginning.

He said he is scared his 50/50 might turn into 100 and he knows if that happens I won't be able to give him that. I asked what he was saying and he said logically we should part ways. I got up to leave and he asked can he still be part of the children's lives. I told him he has their numbers and I wouldn't stop him as it wouldn't be fair to the kids or him. I said I wish him the best and left the cafe where we met.

He then sent a message saying he didn't expect the conversation to go in that direction. He cares about me and that the children and I are important and to him. He said it is for the best and kept saying because he might want kids. I did not respond to the message.

I am heart broken for myself and the kids. He met all my family, we have been on 4 holidays with the kids and him and now this.
I was frustrated because he kept saying "might" and "I'm not saying I want kids but I'm still unsure." I have been so clear with him.

Anyways I have deleted him to avoid temptation of checkinG in on him or his statuses but I have not blocked him. I am so hurt as it took me a lot to let him into our lives. I was previously in an abusive relationship and after I left it took 4.5 years to work on myself so getting into this relationship took a lot.

I don't know why I'm posting just looking for insight, support, feedback, similar experiences, real truth and I'm not opposed to tough love. I have gone no contact. He broke up with me on Saturday and I have not spoken to him since or responded to his last message... it just really hurts

Thank you for your understanding and empathy, I appreciate it and I am seeing a counsellor for my healing.

with regards to him, I will leave him to do his own soul searching

The thing is that anyone, whatever their sex, who connects with and loves their partners' children, cannot be certain that the relationship with them is forever.

If their partner chooses to leave them, they lose the children they've grown to love, too. It's a big risk that you take. If you have your own child, they're yours forever.

Def another woman. Men don't easily meet the woman of their dreams and get them to have kids with them. Isnt as easy for men as it is women.

I understand

Yes he has the right to change his mind, but it sounds like he wasn't intending to end things definitively, and that he was possibly keeping you hanging on/wanting you to plead for him to change his mind?
You've done absolutely the right thing in putting an end to it. It will really, really hurt but the best thing is "no contact", archiving/deleting old conversations so you don't go over them again and deleting his number so you don't keep checking if he's online.

I was in an abusive relationship too and have tried having relationships but they haven't worked out. It's horrible at the time, but looking back I can see how each one wasn't quite right and has taught me more about myself.

I agree with you, Thank you for responding and you are right, the only way forward for me at this point is no contact.

i hope you find the right relationship for you, you deserve happiness

I feel for you but I think it's very common for men to realise they want dcs in their 30's/40's. Better you know after a relatively short relationship. The fact he went away for a month doesn't bode well either - at that stage in our relationship dh and I didn't want to be apart longer than a few days. It sounds like he's tried to be honest and has been nice about it. Of course it's gutting for you though 💐

Thank you, and a month of not seeing him was definitely something I didn’t quite get but I guess it gave him the perspective that he needed to help us both move forward

I don't think other woman. I think he is being honest but also ridiculously flaky as to not know if you might want children in the future at 38! But then a lot of men don't seem to have the same sense of time and reality as women do. And expecting you to give in, also ridiculous as you've been consistent and getting pregnant at 40 is not a given. Overall I'd say he's being a bit of a twit.

I'm sorry op, you sound very hurt which is understandable

The only consolation is that you have found out now and not further down the line

I hope you meet someone who wants the same things as you

Thank you for your kind words, I appreciate your well wishes

Your title makes it sound like he was wrong for breaking off with you over him MIGHT wanting dc. But how much worse would it be if he strung you along knowing he MIGHT want kids only to break off with you in a few years when he realised he DEFINITELY wanted dc. I think he has done the honourable thing

Thank you for your feedback, it definitely would have been a lot worse

You're acting like he lied to you, but the truth is, he was honest all along that there was a chance he might want kids. You chose to ignore that. You could have dated someone who already had his own children, or shared your firm stance of no, not ever. But you didn't. You chose to pursue a relationship with this man.

You already have four children of your own, and you somewhat bizarrely feel that they should be enough for him. This might be a little fairer if he'd raised them from the cradle, but he's only known your kids for two years. You don't even live together. You're acting as if he's committed some terrible betrayal by wanting a child of his own, but that's a pretty human desire. I wonder how you'd feel if you hadn't got to have children of your own? It doesn't matter if it was a near death experience or the influence of his brother that has him thinking more seriously about kids now. He's 38, not 58, and it's not like he sprung this change of heart on you after he married you and spent years saying, no, never ever, no way. "70 / 30" is not that, and you knew it. When it changed to 50 / 50 you really knew it, but still you stayed. That was your choice.

Given all that, the way you acted seems pretty unreasonable, OP. I appreciate you were in shock, but the better way to handle it would have been to TELL him "this is a shock and I need some time to think". Not run off and go no contact immediately. You don't owe him a change of mind, but it seems like the decent thing to do to at least pretend you thought about it. He'd been thinking the whole thing over for at least a month, and he was open to marrying you five minutes earlier! You should have taken some time, met up again when you felt calmer and told him "I'm sorry, but kids are a non-negotiable for me. I think you're right, it's better that we split. I've loved the time we spent together but I don't want you to resent me, and I'm not going to change my mind on this. Thank you for being honest." And leave on good terms. Basically.

You're saying he dumped you, but that's not really what happened. I wouldn't be surprised if he was quite hurt by your reaction.

I agree, well done you OP, walking away with your dignity intact.

I'm a bit suspish about the holiday crash story too, but whatever, you're on different pages about the future and best to break up now before things get more involved.

Thank you for your feedback

Thank you, I am proud of how I handled the situation and wished him nothing but the best. I also reiterated to him that I hope he finds what he is looking for

You are clearly a very reasonable and kind person. He is a bloody idiot. Wishing you the sort of relationship you deserve

Last time I looked at an online dating site, 2023, there were dozens of 50+ men open to, or actively looking to, have children

So they say, to get into the knickers of younger 30 year olds. I betcha most of them would run a mile if the stick showed positive.

Why is he an idiot? He realised he wanted children, just as the OP wanted children, four separate times.

Thank you, i appreciate your well wishes

The timeline is a bit confusing by the way. Your youngest is five, but you've been a single mother for six years? You stayed single for 4.5 years after you left your ex, but you just celebrated your 2 year anniversary with this man?

Even if you left while pregnant with the youngest, wouldn't that make DS / DD at least a year older? 6 and a half, not 5?

Was there another relationship after the abusive ex, and the kids have different dads?