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Original poster

He broke up with me because he MIGHT want children

294 replies

Jyali25 · 16/02/2025 09:51

My b/f and I celebrated our 2 year anniversary last month.

The backstory, I am 41 and a single mum with 4 children (5,10,14 and 16). From our first conversation I told him I did not want anymore and I remained consistent with that. He is 38 and he initially said he was 70/30 then 50/50 about having kids. He said his mindset was that if he was dating a women who wanted kids, he would be open to it, and if he met someone who didn't then it wasn't a deal breaker. He said at his age he didn't want to start changing diapers, he felt tired and that he is more interested in travelling. He also said it was a bonus that I have kids as he gets to be part of children's lives without starting again.

The 2 years have been great with ups and downs but mostly ups. A few days ago we decided to meet up about us in terms of any issues, marriage etc. I hadn't seen him for a month as he has been on holiday.

I entirely went there excited about discussing the future and all seemed positive until I asked what should we work towards long term. He said he wants us to think marriage but he has to be honest with me. He mentioned while on holiday he was in a crash and he saw his life flash before him and he realised he was leaving behind no legacy. He also said his brother has been telling him he is selfish for not wanting kids.

He then said up to now he is still 50/50 but he is concerned that we get married, are happy with the 4 children but then he might want us to add on a biological one. I told him I have been consistently honest that I don't want more kids. I'm about to be 42, I've raised my kids single handedly for 6 years and I'm finally at a stage where I can start self care and think of myself a bit more. I have told him all this from the beginning.

He said he is scared his 50/50 might turn into 100 and he knows if that happens I won't be able to give him that. I asked what he was saying and he said logically we should part ways. I got up to leave and he asked can he still be part of the children's lives. I told him he has their numbers and I wouldn't stop him as it wouldn't be fair to the kids or him. I said I wish him the best and left the cafe where we met.

He then sent a message saying he didn't expect the conversation to go in that direction. He cares about me and that the children and I are important and to him. He said it is for the best and kept saying because he might want kids. I did not respond to the message.

I am heart broken for myself and the kids. He met all my family, we have been on 4 holidays with the kids and him and now this.
I was frustrated because he kept saying "might" and "I'm not saying I want kids but I'm still unsure." I have been so clear with him.

Anyways I have deleted him to avoid temptation of checkinG in on him or his statuses but I have not blocked him. I am so hurt as it took me a lot to let him into our lives. I was previously in an abusive relationship and after I left it took 4.5 years to work on myself so getting into this relationship took a lot.

I don't know why I'm posting just looking for insight, support, feedback, similar experiences, real truth and I'm not opposed to tough love. I have gone no contact. He broke up with me on Saturday and I have not spoken to him since or responded to his last message... it just really hurts

OP posts:
Original poster
Jyali25 · 16/02/2025 10:16

Bibi12 · 16/02/2025 10:08

OP when he said he was 50/50 about kids and you were 100% sure you didn't want them it was time to realise you were incompatible. You're at different life stages and it's highly likely you will fundamentally want different things.
That makes the relationship very fragile and you have to also consider your children and their stability.

You are right… I didn’t think of it like that at the time, I should have

OP posts:
alwaysdeleteyourcookies · 16/02/2025 10:17

Jabtastic · 16/02/2025 10:04

I think he has been honest with you and saved you from hurt in years to come.

Me too. It hurts, but he's doing nothing wrong.

MintTwirl · 16/02/2025 10:18

baileys6904 · 16/02/2025 10:10

If a woman had posted that she was currently childless but thought she might want children in the future and her partner of 2 years had a hard no on the subject, she would be told to cut her losses and leave.

Why is it any less feasible that a man should feel the same, not every relationship issue can be cast aside with a 'they met someone else'. It's minimising other issues couples can face.

OP, as painful as it may be, it's better to fCe the issue now, that 5 years down the line, with a marriage ad relationship more entrenched. He has a right to want children even if it's not 100% yet and actually may be trying to do the right thing

It’s not the fact he wants children that made me think he’s met someone else. It’s the whole life flashed before my eyes and I’m not leaving anything behind story, reeks of made up story to cover up his real reasons. If he genuinely has decided he wants children that is absolutely a reason to end a relationship without the need for dramatic stories especially given this is a 38 year old man, not a teenager.
Man goes on holiday, comes home and calls off relationship, it seems pretty obvious.

Original poster
Jyali25 · 16/02/2025 10:19

baileys6904 · 16/02/2025 10:10

If a woman had posted that she was currently childless but thought she might want children in the future and her partner of 2 years had a hard no on the subject, she would be told to cut her losses and leave.

Why is it any less feasible that a man should feel the same, not every relationship issue can be cast aside with a 'they met someone else'. It's minimising other issues couples can face.

OP, as painful as it may be, it's better to fCe the issue now, that 5 years down the line, with a marriage ad relationship more entrenched. He has a right to want children even if it's not 100% yet and actually may be trying to do the right thing

Thank you I appreciate your response and he does have a good right to change his mind

OP posts:
H112 · 16/02/2025 10:19

Forget about him. Look at how you said ok and wished him the best and left.

Fair play to you. You are some woman who knows what she wants and you are obviously well able. You will meet someone so much better suited to you.

Original poster
Jyali25 · 16/02/2025 10:22

dontcryformeargentina · 16/02/2025 10:14

It sounds like he isn't that into you at this stage but scared to be honest. Are you the most dominant one in your relationship? The way you have approached the conversation shows that you are the driving force here. I'm sorry it happened but you need a man who is on the same page as you and not a snowflake.

i think over the last 3 months I was definitely more into him than he was into me so your response makes sense to me

OP posts:
Original poster
Jyali25 · 16/02/2025 10:23

H112 · 16/02/2025 10:19

Forget about him. Look at how you said ok and wished him the best and left.

Fair play to you. You are some woman who knows what she wants and you are obviously well able. You will meet someone so much better suited to you.

Thank you, I truly appreciate your words

OP posts:
Astronautstar · 16/02/2025 10:25

I don't think he has done anything wrong.

I realise it's devastating for you and I'm so sorry. But he is just being honest about how he feels and people do have the right to change their minds.

Speaking personally, if someone took on my children I would want to give them a child of their own but obviously that's not something you should have to do.

IntermittentStream · 16/02/2025 10:25

Jyali25 · 16/02/2025 10:15

You are right, he is allowed to change his mind.. I just wish he hadn’t let me invest me and my children’s emotions but I guess hindsight is a beautiful thing

Show quote history

Respectfully, OP, that’s why you wait a significant amount of time before letting a boyfriend into your children’s lives. You say you’ve been together two years and that he’s been on holiday with you and your children four times — that suggests he met them quite early on. I don’t think anyone I know had their children meet a new partner in anything but the briefest and most casual way before about eighteen months.

I’m genuinely sorry this has happened because I imagine you’re reeling, but I think he was right to be upfront about his changing thought processes about having children. Better now than later, for you and your children.

Original poster
Jyali25 · 16/02/2025 10:26

I truly appreciate all your responses, each is giving me insight but importantly empowering me to continue to move forward

OP posts:
cheezncrackers · 16/02/2025 10:27

Pinkstuffs · 16/02/2025 10:03

He possibly met someone else. But I can’t help thinking if a woman posted this with roles reversed, most posters would tell her to break up with the partner if they were misaligned on having children.

MN is very harsh on men. I agree that if the sexes and the situation of the OP and her DP were reversed the answers would all be encouraging her to meet someone else and have a family, or to at least give herself the chance to do that.

I'm sorry you've had this horrible shock OP and you weren't expecting things to go the way they did. It sounds like your DP also wasn't expecting the conversation you had to go the way it did either. But, IMO, what he said was completely fair and reasonable. You saw injuries, so you know he WAS in an accident, he was visiting family and as a 38-year-old man it's entirely predictable that his family would talk to him about his relationship status, his future, etc.

He was always honest with you about the fact that he MIGHT want to have DC in the future. You're older than him, you have 4 kids, you're done with having kids and you're now at an age where even if you wanted to have another, it might not be possible. All of that is perfectly fine and fair, but you knew from the start that things might not work out with him for that very reason. It's sad that ultimately he wants to give himself that chance, but it's not unreasonable of him to do that and IMO he didn't string you along. He was honest from the start.

Original poster
Jyali25 · 16/02/2025 10:27

IntermittentStream · 16/02/2025 10:25

Respectfully, OP, that’s why you wait a significant amount of time before letting a boyfriend into your children’s lives. You say you’ve been together two years and that he’s been on holiday with you and your children four times — that suggests he met them quite early on. I don’t think anyone I know had their children meet a new partner in anything but the briefest and most casual way before about eighteen months.

I’m genuinely sorry this has happened because I imagine you’re reeling, but I think he was right to be upfront about his changing thought processes about having children. Better now than later, for you and your children.

Show quote history

Thank you for your insight, he met them after a year but maybe that wasn’t sufficient..

OP posts:
Astronautstar · 16/02/2025 10:27

MintTwirl · 16/02/2025 10:18

It’s not the fact he wants children that made me think he’s met someone else. It’s the whole life flashed before my eyes and I’m not leaving anything behind story, reeks of made up story to cover up his real reasons. If he genuinely has decided he wants children that is absolutely a reason to end a relationship without the need for dramatic stories especially given this is a 38 year old man, not a teenager.
Man goes on holiday, comes home and calls off relationship, it seems pretty obvious.

Show quote history

I don't agree with this at all. It seems quite unreasonable to suggest men can't have the experience he has described

NotbloodyGivingupYet · 16/02/2025 10:27

It's possible he's met someone else, but I would be taking him at face value.
Of course he's at the age where if he wants to have children, he needs to do something about it.
You know what you want, he didn't at first but now he does.
He may have thought initially that being around your kids would be enough, but has realised that he still really wants his own. Or maybe he hoped that you might change your mind, but now he realises that's not going to happen.
To my mind he has done the honourable thing. He hasn't lied to you, or tried to persuade you to change your mind. He hasn't kept you on a string for years and years. He's thought about it properly and come to the right decision.
I expect he feels pretty terrible about it too.
Hugs, OP

Original poster
Jyali25 · 16/02/2025 10:30

cheezncrackers · 16/02/2025 10:27

MN is very harsh on men. I agree that if the sexes and the situation of the OP and her DP were reversed the answers would all be encouraging her to meet someone else and have a family, or to at least give herself the chance to do that.

I'm sorry you've had this horrible shock OP and you weren't expecting things to go the way they did. It sounds like your DP also wasn't expecting the conversation you had to go the way it did either. But, IMO, what he said was completely fair and reasonable. You saw injuries, so you know he WAS in an accident, he was visiting family and as a 38-year-old man it's entirely predictable that his family would talk to him about his relationship status, his future, etc.

He was always honest with you about the fact that he MIGHT want to have DC in the future. You're older than him, you have 4 kids, you're done with having kids and you're now at an age where even if you wanted to have another, it might not be possible. All of that is perfectly fine and fair, but you knew from the start that things might not work out with him for that very reason. It's sad that ultimately he wants to give himself that chance, but it's not unreasonable of him to do that and IMO he didn't string you along. He was honest from the start.

Show quote history

Thank you, everything you have said makes sense and I have listened, and cut contact so he can have the opportunity to fulfill his dream

OP posts:
larkstar · 16/02/2025 10:30

Well any of the possibilities mentioned so far are plausible IMHO however the one thing that doesn't quite add up for me is that if I'd had a near death experience I'd want to put my arms around everything in life that really mattered and draw them closer - count my blessings, appreciate what I had. But... who can say!? Maybe give him a bit of time and see how this pans out - maybe another woman will bob to the surface. If he wants the parenting experience it seems that he has a bond with your kids already and a wonderful opportunity to be part of their lives for many years - important years so... once again - it doesn't quite add up to me.

BigFatLiar · 16/02/2025 10:31

Sounds like he's be thinking more about the future and decided he does want children. No one to blame, it's just the two of you are now on different paths.

HundredPercentUnsure · 16/02/2025 10:32

Jabtastic · 16/02/2025 10:04

I think he has been honest with you and saved you from hurt in years to come.

Agree.

I told him I have been consistently honest that I don't want more kids. And it sounds like for him having a biological child of his own was consistently always a possibility, be that 70/30 or 50/50 or whatever ratio, it wasn't ever 100/0.

You've both been honest and open with each other but ultimately you want different things.

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 16/02/2025 10:32

I think it's sad, but it happens, and you have both behaved correctly and with dignity. FWIW, I don't think it's OW, but I do suspect that the brother might have more influence over your XP than might be concomitant with a successful relationship.

NoParticularPattern · 16/02/2025 10:32

I don’t think either of your are wrong here. He’s allowed to change his mind and better he tells you now than in another 2 years when you’re a month out from the wedding. OW or not he’s been consistent in telling you that he didn’t ever not want kids at all and it seems to me like he’s told you that he’s changed from probably not to 50/50 which should have told you where it was going. You don’t want any more and that’s absolutely fine so it’s just a natural end to things now your stances on children no longer align I think

MintTwirl · 16/02/2025 10:33

Astronautstar · 16/02/2025 10:27

I don't agree with this at all. It seems quite unreasonable to suggest men can't have the experience he has described

Show quote history

That’s ok, we are allowed to have different opinions. It’s not really helpful to the OP to try and create a drama out of different opinions though.

OP whatever the reason, you have done the right thing stopping contact etc.

Original poster
Jyali25 · 16/02/2025 10:34

larkstar · 16/02/2025 10:30

Well any of the possibilities mentioned so far are plausible IMHO however the one thing that doesn't quite add up for me is that if I'd had a near death experience I'd want to put my arms around everything in life that really mattered and draw them closer - count my blessings, appreciate what I had. But... who can say!? Maybe give him a bit of time and see how this pans out - maybe another woman will bob to the surface. If he wants the parenting experience it seems that he has a bond with your kids already and a wonderful opportunity to be part of their lives for many years - important years so... once again - it doesn't quite add up to me.

Edited

Indeed he has all the space he needs now. I have not tried to contact him since the conversation on Saturday (8 days ago) and I did not respond to his message. I have also deleted his number and he has deleted mine from what I can tell. He still has my older children’s numbers but has not reached out to them

OP posts:
Original poster
Jyali25 · 16/02/2025 10:36

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 16/02/2025 10:32

I think it's sad, but it happens, and you have both behaved correctly and with dignity. FWIW, I don't think it's OW, but I do suspect that the brother might have more influence over your XP than might be concomitant with a successful relationship.

You are right, I did notice it as time went on. His brother has strong Christian beliefs and they have gotten closer since we first met

OP posts:
Helterskelteroo · 16/02/2025 10:36

@Jyali25 firstly, I'm so sorry that this has happened and especially after what you have been through in your previous relationship. It must have taken a lot to bring this man into yours and your dcs lives.

However, before you started this relationship, you knew that he wasn't 100% on his stance on having kids. So really, this is something you knew could change but subconsciously or for whatever reason you chose to ignore it. Yes, you were honest with him from the start, but so was he.

Not being on the same page on massive issues like DC, will inevitably always rear it's head at some point or another. It was best that it came sooner than several more years down the line.

Sending love to you and your dcs 💐

Original poster
Jyali25 · 16/02/2025 10:38

MintTwirl · 16/02/2025 10:33

That’s ok, we are allowed to have different opinions. It’s not really helpful to the OP to try and create a drama out of different opinions though.

OP whatever the reason, you have done the right thing stopping contact etc.

Show quote history

Thank you, I do believe cutting contact is essential for my healing

OP posts: