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Original poster

20 years together and doesn’t love me anymore.

263 replies

Swils1009 · 16/02/2025 08:39

Hi,
I’m currently on holiday with my boyfriend of 20 years. We have been together since I was 19 (and he was 20).

Our first day here and the night has ended with him saying, ‘I have a lot of love for you, but I’m not in love with you anymore.’ He tells me that he is unhappy and has been for a while. Claims that he has been trying for a ‘long time’.

This has come out of the blue for me. I am broken and unsure what to do. He’s all I’ve known for my adult life. We have talked and agreed to try to make it work, but I know that he doesn’t want to really. He just doesn’t like me being upset.

I don’t really know why I’m writing this…just need someone to talk to I suppose...

OP posts:
Dogthespot · 16/02/2025 08:40

He’s had his head turned
guaranteed

Dogthespot · 16/02/2025 08:40

So prior to last night… you’ve been very happy and thought he was too?

Original poster
Swils1009 · 16/02/2025 08:44

I have asked this, and he says that there’s no one else…I know how stupid I sound even typing that! I asked if he’d cheated, or if he has feelings for someone else, and he was adamant that isn’t the case. I think it must be this too though! He’s just turned 40 too and think that he’s a bit depressed.

I’m just so confused as we were talking about our plans for the house / dog just yesterday. Thankfully no kids involved.

OP posts:
Blue278 · 16/02/2025 08:46

Sorry. Probably another woman. They never leave to be on their own.
It’s part one of ‘The Script’. Rewriting your relationship history to justify any guilt about looking elsewhere.
Any children? What are the housing logistics and money plans?
All advice essentially boils down to - put yourself first and don’t trust him. Don’t play ‘pick me’. Look after yourself and you’ll be OK.

Original poster
Swils1009 · 16/02/2025 08:46

Dogthespot · 16/02/2025 08:40

So prior to last night… you’ve been very happy and thought he was too?

I thought so. Usual daily grind, but he always says that he’s content and happy with what we have. We discuss future / make plans / etc.

I’m in the hotel room now with him snoring next to me. I haven’t slept a wink.

OP posts:
RubyRedBow · 16/02/2025 08:46

I wouldn’t say he’s had his head turned, there’s not always another person involved. Feelings change.

I was with my partner from 16-28 and I didn’t love him anymore despite trying and trying. Nothing happened and nobody was involved.

I would say end it now because working on it won’t change anything especially if he’s been trying without you knowing.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 16/02/2025 08:47

There is often someone else waiting in the wings if such things are said. Its all part of the script.

If it is not possible to return home early can you spend each day there without him present?. Can you take yourself off to the nearest city/park/museum/beach etc?.

What plans were you making for the house and dog yesterday?.

Original poster
Swils1009 · 16/02/2025 08:47

Blue278 · 16/02/2025 08:46

Sorry. Probably another woman. They never leave to be on their own.
It’s part one of ‘The Script’. Rewriting your relationship history to justify any guilt about looking elsewhere.
Any children? What are the housing logistics and money plans?
All advice essentially boils down to - put yourself first and don’t trust him. Don’t play ‘pick me’. Look after yourself and you’ll be OK.

I’ve already played ‘pick me’ and have been a blubbering wreck all night. Pathetic I know but I am heartbroken.

OP posts:
Blue278 · 16/02/2025 08:47

Sorry cross post. At least there are no children to worry about.
Depression is a possibility but he needs to take responsibility for addressing that. He’s not asking for help is he? He’s rejecting you.

Dogthespot · 16/02/2025 08:47

RubyRedBow · 16/02/2025 08:46

I wouldn’t say he’s had his head turned, there’s not always another person involved. Feelings change.

I was with my partner from 16-28 and I didn’t love him anymore despite trying and trying. Nothing happened and nobody was involved.

I would say end it now because working on it won’t change anything especially if he’s been trying without you knowing.

And you are a woman?

Dogthespot · 16/02/2025 08:49

Swils1009 · 16/02/2025 08:46

I thought so. Usual daily grind, but he always says that he’s content and happy with what we have. We discuss future / make plans / etc.

I’m in the hotel room now with him snoring next to me. I haven’t slept a wink.

Show quote history

So up until last night… sex life? He has been talking about the future? Making plans with you?
Were you planning children?

RubyRedBow · 16/02/2025 08:49

Dogthespot · 16/02/2025 08:47

And you are a woman?

Show quote history

Yes I am.
Theres plenty of women on here who say they aren’t in love with their partner but when a man is honest about his feelings everyone says there’s another women.

A milestone birthday often brings up true feelings and makes people re evaluate.

Dogthespot · 16/02/2025 08:49

Did you both not want to marry?

Dogthespot · 16/02/2025 08:50

RubyRedBow · 16/02/2025 08:49

Yes I am.
Theres plenty of women on here who say they aren’t in love with their partner but when a man is honest about his feelings everyone says there’s another women.

A milestone birthday often brings up true feelings and makes people re evaluate.

Show quote history

Because I honestly think think of a single man who has left a relationship without another woman involved

and if you’re honest… can you?

Original poster
Swils1009 · 16/02/2025 08:51

Blue278 · 16/02/2025 08:46

Sorry. Probably another woman. They never leave to be on their own.
It’s part one of ‘The Script’. Rewriting your relationship history to justify any guilt about looking elsewhere.
Any children? What are the housing logistics and money plans?
All advice essentially boils down to - put yourself first and don’t trust him. Don’t play ‘pick me’. Look after yourself and you’ll be OK.

I think so too, but he keeps saying it’s not that. I will ask again when he gets up.

The ‘I’ve been trying for a long time’ is getting me the most. As I was oblivious to it! I feel so stupid…but I feel so sick and sad right now that I can’t think straight. I’m also sooo embarrassed. I thought we were fine.

No children, just a dog that I will be keeping no matter what. Joint mortgage too.

OP posts:
Blue278 · 16/02/2025 08:51

OP I was the same when mine had his (probably third!) affair. Just couldn’t get my head around the ending of two decades of building a life together. I even went a bit surrendered wife and tried everything but he was too focused on the latest attraction.

It’s basic psychology though. People don’t appreciate what they have. Let him feel the consequences of rejecting your relationship. If he doesn’t want you then just withdraw and preserve your dignity and energy and time and emotional bandwidth and money for yourself.

RubyRedBow · 16/02/2025 08:51

Dogthespot · 16/02/2025 08:50

Because I honestly think think of a single man who has left a relationship without another woman involved

and if you’re honest… can you?

Show quote history

I know a couple who have but MN is obsessed with there being other women.

ThirdStorm · 16/02/2025 08:53

You have my empathy, why he would choose to drop that bomb on the first day of your holiday. Away from home and support or maybe shows what a mess he’s in mentally with his feelings? Only he knows. Can you take some time for yourself today, quiet, restful and restorative to think?

Dogthespot · 16/02/2025 08:53

Did you get back together @RubyRedBow ?

IAmNotDarling · 16/02/2025 08:53

Sorry OP, he’s either having an affair or has had his head turned by someone he views as a better option.

Get him out of your life. I thought my ExH was depressed, but he was struggling with the fact he was fucking someone else and hadn’t had the guts to end it first.

Back your things and fly home. If you own a home together, get ready to buy him out or sell up. Cut all connections with him and his family, get counselling and shag some younger men before moving on with someone who wants you for you. Good luck.

Dogthespot · 16/02/2025 08:53

RubyRedBow · 16/02/2025 08:51

I know a couple who have but MN is obsessed with there being other women.

Edited
Show quote history

So you know one where the man left his wife and no woman involved

one

ok

Original poster
Swils1009 · 16/02/2025 08:53

Dogthespot · 16/02/2025 08:49

So up until last night… sex life? He has been talking about the future? Making plans with you?
Were you planning children?

Show quote history

Everything was as it always has been. We are away for a belated birthday present and I thought we were both looking forward to it.

He’s been looking at houses for us to possibly move into as we wanted a bigger garden for the dog. I don’t know…

OP posts:
Dogthespot · 16/02/2025 08:54

Op what makes you on think there is OW?

Original poster
Swils1009 · 16/02/2025 08:55

Dogthespot · 16/02/2025 08:49

Did you both not want to marry?

Never. Although probably me not wanting to more than him if I’m honest.

OP posts:
IAmNotDarling · 16/02/2025 08:55

RubyRedBow · 16/02/2025 08:51

I know a couple who have but MN is obsessed with there being other women.

Edited
Show quote history

Er, because there almost always is when men do things like this.