20 years together and doesn’t love me anymore.

[Swils1009]

Hi,
I’m currently on holiday with my boyfriend of 20 years. We have been together since I was 19 (and he was 20).

Our first day here and the night has ended with him saying, ‘I have a lot of love for you, but I’m not in love with you anymore.’ He tells me that he is unhappy and has been for a while. Claims that he has been trying for a ‘long time’.

This has come out of the blue for me. I am broken and unsure what to do. He’s all I’ve known for my adult life. We have talked and agreed to try to make it work, but I know that he doesn’t want to really. He just doesn’t like me being upset.

I don’t really know why I’m writing this…just need someone to talk to I suppose...

This 100%

When I turned 30 I had like a realisation about my life, I wasn't with anyone at the time though but I had all these thoughts of what have I done with my life etc etc it could be this defo!

OP not trying to give you false hope or whatever but…..

I had the exact situation as you but at that time we had been together 15 years since we were both 19.

We were living together and talking about kids and he woke up one morning and said the exact same thing as your DP. I love you, just not in love with you. I was absolutely blown sideways- no other woman, no inkling this was going to happen.

I left immediately and set my life without him. We had a year apart and I was dating other people.

It took him a year alone to realise what had happened and therapy helped him realise he was having a mid life crisis of sorts. Depressed, overworked, etc. We began dating again and he came back into the relationship a much much better partner than he had been before our break.

I didn’t let him off easily- it took a long time for him to rewin my trust. But he did and we are a thousand lercent better for it.

But my advice: leave with your head held high. Don’t beg, don’t plead. Just move on and allow him the space to think and realise what he’s lost. It could be transformational. So many people on here jump straight to “there’s another woman” and whilst I was convinced initially that was it- there wasn’t. It was a more uncomfortable truth that he was having a crisis of knowing what he wanted.

I'm so sorry you're going through this on holiday. It's shitty and this sums him up!

Partner...husband..20 years and he's only your boyfriend?

There's a reason that everyone is saying that he has probably found someone else. There is a collective wisdom on MN and anecdotal experience is real.

Is it?
Thought it was just making sure how he feels before you discard a twenty year relationship.
Not everyone who feels lost and empty knows where their heart lies, it's uncharted territory and people often need to unpick what's underneath it all.

Meanwhile she isn't dancing attendance or running after him.
She's just watching him do the work to self examine.
Meanwhile she had time to do self examining of her own.

Better than counselling her to immediately bin it all off.

There have been many threads on here of people who ended a long term relationship only to regret it because actually they were just dissatisfied and bored of life. They set fire to the whole show and then wish they hadn't and wish they had just held off drastic action.

I think do nothing big and ask him to work out what's going on for himself and come back to her to discuss once he's clearer on that is not a pick me dance.

While he's doing this she has time to process her own position and think about what she'll do if the relationship has run its course.

Perfect plan.

Saying this during the holiday seems insensitive I agree but also maybe it's because there is time to say it.
Would it be any better saying it on a weekday evening with work the next day? Or on a weekend with work on Monday?
There is no good time for this kind of conversation and actually maybe being on holiday when he should feel at his happiest has made him realise that he really isn't happy & he had to say something.

I am not apologising for him here but I do think that speaking up and saying you are unhappy is what people have to do in relationships if they aren't working. We can't villify him for that.

Obviously if it later turns out there actually is another woman or he has cheated in the past then that's different.

His reasons aside what a despicable shit he is for doing this to you while on a holiday! Hes sent your life into tatters when you are locked in a hotel room with him for days still with no access to any of your support network! I think you need to tell him he has to find somewhere else to sleep. Some fucking birthday present this trip has turned out to be.
Sending hugs and hope you are ok, find your rage and let it carry you through until you can get home and be with your safe people.

I think what you actually need to do is to sit down with him & have a mature & honest conversation.

It will hurt & it will be difficult but after 20 years together you owe it to each other to talk things through & express your feelings.

Hey,

Please leave him be, these things happen. He's confused or not certain of what he wants, either way he's said he's not in love. That's his problem & not yours. Your love didn't change but his did. So let him go & you have some time for you. By holding on & trying to work it out, will only hurt you further. It has to come from him to make efforts and try. So if you give him space, tell him that you will respect his decision because you want to see him happy. Then you show him that you can live without him, because the more you cling on, the more they don't want to try.

I took the worst form of rejection in my life last year. It makes you vulnerable and desperate to keep hold of the loved one. I behaved so clingy because I had attachment problems. I sought help & left him to it. I didn't contact him much , I kept everything mutual . I changed myself, got the job of my dreams & showed him it's okay if he don't want me but I want myself. I will be okay. I accepted that yea maybe there's another women, maybe it's a midlife issue but it didn't matter anymore. He did everything to make me jealous in the process too but I just accepted it for what it was. After a year of rollercoaster ride, he's now wanting to come back & try. But the problem is I changed too 🙈. I found my new self worth & I told him I want him to be happy. He finally saw he didn't want anyone else, but was confused, see if the grass is greener ! It never is sadly !

So what am saying is, he may be the love of your life but you got to let go regardless of how much history or years you have had together. Concentrate on you & create a life outside of him. With time, if he realises he didn't want to lose you after all. He will come back! If not then you have already created your own life, have accepted the situation for what it is. Sometimes people fall out of love in relationships and marriages but real love isn't based on roses & hearts. It's based on respect, loyalty & accepting some days we may not have that butterflies in tummy for each other but we stay faithful & make efforts. Keep the relationship chemistry alive as it can die over time.

Another thing I learnt is sometimes we take so much for granted in the other person. We don't realise what we had til it's gone. Developing gratitude, patience & kindness is the key to moving forwards. Be kind to yourself, do things that make you happy regardless of what happens. You still have you, your not the one who walked away. He did, his choice & wish him well regardless 😊.

No kids? I’d be out of that room and either flying home to start the practical process of a split or at least going to another hotel. He wants to split, fine, let’s do it right now. I say this as someone who was cheated on prolifically and abandoned repeatedly until he got bored with being drunk and “single” and wanted to try again 🙄

My only regret was not walking away immediately with my head up. I’d never let a man do that to me again. No amount of pleading or crying is going to change his mind, it will only cement his decision because he is in possession of information you are not - likely another woman.

I just read the rest of the messages on here, I agree that it's such a cruel thing to do this in your birthday 😡. When people change, their true immaturity comes out.

You will pick yourself back up. Try to enjoy rest of the holiday on your own & keep things neutral till you get home. Then it's up to you if you wish to shut him out whilst you take time to heal from this heap of shit he caused ! I promise you, he will regret his actions! Like I said, let him go & find whatever it is he wants. You deserve it to yourself to make you happier & spoil yourself with all things life has to offer ❤️.

What a shit bag! Sorry 🤦‍♀️.

I'd look into buying him out of the house or vice versa, when you get home.

It’s not a necessity to get married nor is it an indicator of the level of love and commitment. OP said she never wanted it.

I'm so sorry OP. What a shock.

Unless you have suspicions, I wouldn't fixate over the possibility that there might be someone else.

It's quite possible that he just hasn't been honest with how he really feels and has been trying to plod along and ignore it for a while. This happens in plenty of married couples who have children, but the difference is that their children give them a very strong incentive to stay, when otherwise they might have split a long time ago.

I do find it very strange timing that he's waited until you're both on holiday before telling you though. It's likely he felt exactly the same a few days before, so why didn't he tell you then?

Why is he a shit bag though?

People are allowed to fall out of love with each other. And we always say on here that people should tell their other half rather than sneak off and have an affair - it seems this man is doing that.

And as for the timing, if he did it just before the holiday "what a shit to do that just before you go on holiday" or if he did it straight after "what a shit to do that when you have just been on holiday"
My point is there is never a good time to have this sort of conversation because it's horrible when one person doesn't feel the same for another person.

It's a shit situation but it doesn't make him a shit person.

To be fair, this doesn’t scream of OW to me.

It really is sad, but all relationships come to an end one way or another. The loss you are feeling now is the horrible price you pay for those happy twenty years.

If he really doesn’t love you any more, you will have to knuckle down to the mundane elements of separation and start again. Older and wiser. Many of us have done this, you can too.

Is there someone you can talk to in real life? I appreciate you are away, but you need all the real life support you can get.

If you need to pack up and go home, just do that. I’m so sorry, but you will get through this 💐

I agree with this. I wouldn’t sit there while the man who has just told me that snores in the bed. I’d rip the covers off and start the row. I’d want answers. What the fuck did he agree to the holiday for? Am I some sort of mug? Sorry, that’s just me. Then I’d fuck off home, buying some bin bags on the way

OP, he says he's been unhappy for a while - so he's had time to get his head around this, and to start to emotionally distance himself. He was able to take as long as he wanted to process his feelings. You've been blindsided and had no time to get your head together.

I think when you get home it would be a good idea if he went and stayed somewhere else or you went and stayed with family (if you'd rather not be alone) to give you some emotional breathing space. You need some time away from him to process this.

Excellent advice.

He is the bad guy because he has told her this while on a much looked forward to holiday - at least by the OP - and not only was this while they are on holiday, it was the first evening of their holiday!

I strongly suspect that he is depressed about turning 40, and that for almost his whole adult life he has been with the same woman, and is now thinking that although he loves her very much (she is almost certainly his confidant, and probably his best friend to), he can't help wondering what his life would be like, and almost certainly what sex would be like with someone else. I am sure that their sex life has gone through being fantastic, exciting, comfortable, maybe occassionally a little boring, but mainly more comfortable than exciting these days.

Yes, all of that is sort of understandable, probably especially for a man, but his timing is crap and it is very shitty of him to do this while they are away, and presumably the OP is away, from any support that she hopefully has from loved ones back home.

@Swils1009, I got married at what is considered now to be a very young age, to a man just a few years older than me. We had children, then after about a decade he told me that he was leaving me for someone else. I was devastated, I still loved him so much, but I had sometimes wondered over the years whether he would ever regret marrying his first girlfriend - obviously, in the end he did regret it, although I hope he has never regretted having our children - who are all adults now. Even though I had children, so I came as a package.

When I eventually felt up to dating again - and having sex with another person (other than my dear ex husband) for the first time in my life - I actually had a brilliant time dating other adults, and experiencing life as a single adult for the first time. Within 4 years I was married again (to my 5th sexual partner), and we are still together now, and are both retired pensioners.

So please don't think that you have done anything wrong OP, or that you are no longer attractive, or that something - other than being together for a long time - was not good about your sex life, I truly think that if there is not another woman already lined up, that it is his age, and that you were very likely each others first serious relationships, that has had him brooding for a while now. Unfortunately, I am not hopeful that your partner can get over any feelings he has of "missing out" in some way, without him leaving and living a new life. He may agree to go to couples counselling with you, and that may even work - in a way - for a while, but I am not sure that he wouldn't still be wondering sometimes "what if...", and eventually he would probably leave anyway.

Please don't put yourself through all of that extended heartbreak OP, I really believe that if you let go of him now, you will be so much happier in the long run. I think that sometime in the future your partner may well look back and realise just how lucky he was to have had you, and kick himself for being such a stupid idiot; but by then (it could be 5, 10, 20 years before he realises it, and just in case you think about waiting for him, it may never actually happen) you will almost certainly be deeply in love with someone else, someone who can really appreciate you as well as love you, because they had already had the experiences that our young adult lives usually give us, that help us grow and mature into well rounded adults who know what they both want and need.

One last thing OP, you will get through this - yes it will hurt so much at first, but sadly life often does hurt very much when we have major life events happening, especially if we didn't want them, but sometimes even when we did - you will learn a lot about yourself, and about other people, and you will ultimately be in a much better and happier place. Ok, one very last thing OP, please don't decide to rent somewhere to live for a while, as it is extremely hard to find a landlord who will accept you having a dog living with you. So, even if you have to buy somewhere very small to start off with, please do so, as you say you want to keep your dog. I know the latter through a very difficult personal family experience - we did keep our wonderful four legged member of the family, we would have lived in our car, or a tent if we had had to!

I will be thinking of you OP 🩷 xx

Great advice!

Oh OP I hope you’re doing ok. Regardless if there is another OW or not you need to make plans to separate while you both think things over. He has let the cat of the bag so to speak around his feelings and it will be extremely difficult to get your relationship back on track.

Having a milestone birthday does make people reassess their lives and what makes them happy and maybe he just isn’t happy anymore. At least he is being honest with you I suppose.

I would also prepare yourself for the possibility that if you do separate permanently that he may move on rather quickly and you may find he marries and has children with a respective new partner.

None of us, including you, know the truth of this. However I think the 'been unhappy for a long time' phrase is very telling - it is him rewriting history so he doesn't look like the bad guy. But in that 'long time' he hasn't thought to discuss it with you? Hmmm... I suspect if he has been unhappy for a long time it's because he's caught in a dilemma between you and a potential alternative.

I also think it is telling that you're awake all night and an emotional wreck while he is sleeping soundly. Does making a big statement like that not cause him emotional turmoil? No, it's easy for him because he's not got to pretend anything on holiday, he doesn't have to pretend to be in love with you, and having a fantastic time, he doesn't have to worry about seeming distracted. And if he does have another person, he can tell her that 'the deed is done' and he'll be leaving.

Telling you now, rather than sharing with you that he felt unhappy, is the act of a selfish coward. He doesn't care that he's ruined your holiday, or your life. Even if he's not got anyone else, don't put up with it. Get on a plane and get home where your friends and family can support you. Show him that, whatever the reason, he doesn't get to treat you like this.