20 years together and doesn’t love me anymore.

[Swils1009]

Hi,
I’m currently on holiday with my boyfriend of 20 years. We have been together since I was 19 (and he was 20).

Our first day here and the night has ended with him saying, ‘I have a lot of love for you, but I’m not in love with you anymore.’ He tells me that he is unhappy and has been for a while. Claims that he has been trying for a ‘long time’.

This has come out of the blue for me. I am broken and unsure what to do. He’s all I’ve known for my adult life. We have talked and agreed to try to make it work, but I know that he doesn’t want to really. He just doesn’t like me being upset.

I don’t really know why I’m writing this…just need someone to talk to I suppose...

Oh OP I'm so sad to read your post. What a horrible shock for you. It may be another woman or it may be a mid life crisis. Would he consider counselling to talk things through?

No - not at all. We just went a bit daft as we were on holiday so had more than we both usually would. Up until we got back to the hotel, we’d been fine…I thought. Just spent the day walking around the city and bobbing into the bars.

Why wait till you're on holiday to tell you this? How strange!

I think this more than somone else. But maybe I’m just naive

What a crap start to your holiday! I'm so sorry this is happening to you. I do think 40 is a time when many people reflect on their lives and the first sense of mortality / is this it kicks in as they realise they'll be 50, half a century, at the next birthday and start asking themselves, is this it?

Tommy Selby, Peaky Blinders quote about 'life's too short to hang on to someone who doesn't want to be there' is worth looking up and reflecting on. There's a cheesy insta link here which might work...

www.instagram.com/reel/DDmnUviuYz6/?igsh=YmtydHM4N3NyYmgy

Essentially though, I'd listen and believe him - don't waste another year trying to get him to stay, only for him to still say he feels the same and you're a year further down the line, more hurt. Gather your dignity and let him go 💜

What an arsehole doing this when you are on holiday.

If he’s asleep I’d have a quick flick through the phone now. Especially as he decided to tell you last and he’s been drinking, has he had encouragement from someone etc.

I don’t believe there must automatically be another woman lurking. A milestone birthday can mean taking stock - maybe he’s rethinking not having children and has decided he’d like to be a dad? Have you asked him that @Swils1009?

I do know that he hasn’t done anything wrong. I’m just so blind sided and don’t know what to do.

My instinct is he will find a younger woman and have children with her. I know that’s going to be incredibly hard but it’s what a lot of men do at this age.

I’ve got a feeling he’s going to wake up with. Raging hangover op and you’ll either get apologies for being stupid or he’ll say he’s going home

So if a woman falls out of love it is 100% another person?

The logic makes no sense, you are different people 20 years on sure he may be cheating but I don't see how it is a given

There isn't automatically another woman.

I'm always irrirated when it's quoted as a fact here on mn because it simply isn't true that men only leave if there's an OW. Real life has told me that. And yes, I do know men who've left for other reasons. It's quoted on here so many times it's become a 'fact'. Men are capable of honesty.

We tell people, on here, that if you're not happy in your relationship you should be honest and leave, but when men do it we don't believe them. It is possible for a man to fall out of love, or to be unsettled in life, especially near a milestone birthday perhaps, just as it is for women.

There may be another woman. It's possible there is. And perhaps statistically it's the most likely reason. But it isn't guaranteed, and it isn't helpful to give that response as 'fact' when we don't know. Whatever the reason, he wants to leave, and the op needs to preprare for that while being aware there could be another woman in the wings.

Oh op. Don't be embarrassed. Blokes can be really bloody good at compartmentalising.

I thought my ex was happier than he'd ever been just before I found out about his affair/s.

I really hope it isn't that. Why has he chosen to tell you on holiday?

Don't feel ashamed of any of your feelings please. They are all normal and understandable.

Of course you're devastated, why wouldn't you be. Can you call a friend or relative for support?

You'll be OK but this first bit, and the shock of it, is rotten.

The OW (and there is one), kicked off at him going on holidays with you.
He promises her that he would finish things with you while you are away. He couldnt possibly cancel holiday/couldn't let poor you down. He is being (in his eyes) a wonderfully kind person. He let's you down gently (in his twisted mind), rewrites history ie been sad for ages.

He has been thinking of this for a while. It's all a total shock for you.
He is not your friend/love of your life. He is the enemy.
While he is feeling guilty get as much out of him as possible finance wise. Ducks in a row.

You will be fine!

I wonder why he told you on your first night there. If he was unhappy and wanted to end it, why didn’t he make the best of the holiday and tell you when you got back if he was still feeling the same way?

If he has met someone else, could it be he doesn’t feel right having sex with you if he has decided to leave?

I agree that there is not always another woman and there wasn’t when exh and I split up, but we were having awful family problems for some time and we knew we were struggling. When it comes completely out of the blue I suspect there might be someone else. Not definite though. If he’s unhappy and wants to end it, that’s it.

The thing is… it makes no difference whether there is another woman turning his head or not.

He had his say last night, so he can get to fuck.
OP, the stronger you are here the better. He is now your ex, and he should not get another second of your consideration.

Book a flight home, today if possible. Spend some money, to get yourself out of being around him.
Don’t speak to him, don’t engage with him. Dumping you on holiday, on the first day, is shitty.

I think the more quickly and decisively you move here, the better.

I agree. It as if some people just love to make the pain worse and make sure that the woman not only has to worry about the man falling out of love with her but also that he has deceived her and is shagging someone else. It's just unnecessarily cruel.

I agree. It as if some people just love to make the pain worse and make sure that the woman not only has to worry about the man falling out of love with her but also that he has deceived her and is shagging someone else. It's just unnecessarily cruel.

How long are you away for op?

I will say, it is really hard to go on holiday with someone when you don’t want to be with them any more and maybe that prompted the conversation.

Exactly, and sometimes the OW is a symptom of the relationship not being that great for that person. (Of course they should end it first, but maybe the relationship was all over bar the shouting before the OW arrived in the scene.)

My son. He split from his long term gf because she didn’t want children and he felt generally they weren’t right for each other temperament wise. Also my step son split from his live-in gf for similar reasons regarding clashing temperaments, nothing to do with another person in the wings. In fact he worried he might not meet anyone new after being together for a number of years. There can be other reasons other than someone else, although I do agree it is nearly (but not always) someone else.

As a PP said OP you can be the one to fly home and tough it out.
I hope you all manage to work something out for the best.
Has he got somewhere else he could stay while he organises his thoughts and what he is going to do/if it was a mid life crisis wobbly?
Counselling could be a good idea as has been suggested.
Fly back to your dog, you can do this.

There is nothing wrong with not getting married or not having children but I knew straight away posters will make it about that as if there is something abnormal about OP's situation.

Truth is a lot of people who got together young grow apart or fall out of love. It happens more often then not but many marriages stay together for the children and financial security. Usually they don't have an authentic relationship between each other but plod along for the sake of life they built together.

Being with someone who doesn't love you and doesn't truly want to be with you is a slow death OP. It's best to let him go.

@BunnyLake how old was your son?