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Original poster

20 years together and doesn’t love me anymore.

263 replies

Swils1009 · 16/02/2025 08:39

Hi,
I’m currently on holiday with my boyfriend of 20 years. We have been together since I was 19 (and he was 20).

Our first day here and the night has ended with him saying, ‘I have a lot of love for you, but I’m not in love with you anymore.’ He tells me that he is unhappy and has been for a while. Claims that he has been trying for a ‘long time’.

This has come out of the blue for me. I am broken and unsure what to do. He’s all I’ve known for my adult life. We have talked and agreed to try to make it work, but I know that he doesn’t want to really. He just doesn’t like me being upset.

I don’t really know why I’m writing this…just need someone to talk to I suppose...

OP posts:
Original poster
Swils1009 · 03/04/2025 06:25

StrawberryDream24 · 02/04/2025 07:20

I find the nuclear level.gas lighting and personal attack on you (calling you crazy, a psycho, paranoid etc. almost as bad as the cheating tbh).

He's not got much integrity, has he.

Now he's crying and won't give you any space...when he's the person who's betrayed you. And you're supposed to be the one crying.

"It's all about me" seems to be the theme song.

Cheaters tend have certain traits, like selfishness and lack of integrity, that don't make them good partners.

Thanks for this, as this is really hurting me. The fact that I was blaming myself.

The gaslighting has impacted me a lot. I’m thinking back to our holiday when I asked over and over and still got a pack of lies. He claims he couldn’t tell me then (even though he’d apparently not shagged her yet) as I was so upset.

I’m thinking that I’m upset now, hence why he’s filling me with more bullshit about how he’s realised what he’s done / he loves me / give him a chance / give it time. All utter crap!

I know this isn’t me now - all him!

OP posts:
OchreRaven · 03/04/2025 07:15

Swils1009 · 03/04/2025 06:25

Thanks for this, as this is really hurting me. The fact that I was blaming myself.

The gaslighting has impacted me a lot. I’m thinking back to our holiday when I asked over and over and still got a pack of lies. He claims he couldn’t tell me then (even though he’d apparently not shagged her yet) as I was so upset.

I’m thinking that I’m upset now, hence why he’s filling me with more bullshit about how he’s realised what he’s done / he loves me / give him a chance / give it time. All utter crap!

I know this isn’t me now - all him!

Show quote history

Let me get this straight…his argument is he saw how devastated you were when you thought he was having an affair so he couldn’t tell you he kissed someone else because he didn’t want to hurt you, instead he lied made you feel crazy AND then slept with her. Yeh makes total sense 🙄.

Loving someone is putting that person before yourself and your own needs. If you can’t do that you don’t love them.

He knew his actions would destroy you and he did it anyway. And he did it in a calculated way. At a minimum you deserved the truth on holiday so you could have made the decision to stay or open your relationship if he wanted to explore something else.

ruddygreattiger · 03/04/2025 07:44

Not sure if it's been mentioned if his parents know about his cheating, but would it be worth a try letting them know everything and it's definately over, and telling them he has the move out?
Obviously this only works if you get on with his parents and they wouldn't insist that you should try to make it work.

Don't be silent on what he's done, tell everyone and he might be shamed into packing his bags.
Personally at the bare minimum I'd be making life very uncomfortable for him at home, starting with every time he walked through the door I'd be groaning and saying out loud 'oh god, not you again', but then I'm a nasty bitch when pushed.

Original poster
Swils1009 · 09/04/2025 16:58

I’m struggling again today. With friends but can’t stop thinking…too much…anxiety building and feeling a bit worthless. Once again, no real purpose for the message other than needing someone to understand. To tell me to sort my head out… I’m so down though. Dark thoughts and negativity is spiralling

OP posts:
CluelessInBristol · 09/04/2025 17:16

So sorry to read what's happened to you. Can you get that house up for sale sharpish? Set yourself free and cut ties (and keep the dog 😀🥰) - sending you best thoughts

Ferrazzuoli · 09/04/2025 17:19

Sorry to hear you're struggling OP. Unfortunately this is all part of the process. It's normal to feel down and negative. You were with him for 20 years and he went and shagged someone else! Are you still living together, does he have any plans to move out?

Milosc · 09/04/2025 18:13

OP, you know his true colors now. Please do not take him back. If you do from now on every time he has his head turned he will know he can just go shag his heart out and come right back to you. He lied to you and gaslit you for no reason except he fancied a fuck somewhere else. He threw your loyalty back in your face. He is disgusting and you will never trust him again. There are good men in the world. He is not one of them. The trash took itself out and you are well rid. It hurts now but you will come out stronger and happier in the end getting rid of this gross man. When someone shows you who they are, believe them. He is not a quality man and you deserve better.

SunnySideDeepDown · 09/04/2025 19:16

I don’t think it’s necessarily another woman. After a similar amount of time and at similar ages, if I’m completely honest, I haven’t loved my boyfriend for a long time. I’m comfortable but I don’t love him.

I suspect Im not alone in staying for convenience and the kids.

I actually think it’s pretty normal to reach a certain age and realise you’re two different people.

SunnySideDeepDown · 09/04/2025 19:34

Sorry OP I didn’t read your thread.

You must feel very isolated, I’m sorry you’re in this position. Things will get better x

Ginandpanic · 09/04/2025 19:55

RubyRedBow · 16/02/2025 08:51

I know a couple who have but MN is obsessed with there being other women.

Edited
Show quote history

My exdh of 30 years left with no other woman.
he took his stuff when I was out of the house and moved in with friends. 100% no other woman. It was a mental health disaster.
my friends husband, also
if 30 years! Has just left her , again no other woman. As he’s a sexual I am 100% no other woman.
it might be rare but it does happen. In both cases there were plenty of warning signs, similar to op’s.

id just save yourself a few years of torture, and agree to separate now.

Orangesinthebag · 09/04/2025 20:02

Ginandpanic · 09/04/2025 19:55

My exdh of 30 years left with no other woman.
he took his stuff when I was out of the house and moved in with friends. 100% no other woman. It was a mental health disaster.
my friends husband, also
if 30 years! Has just left her , again no other woman. As he’s a sexual I am 100% no other woman.
it might be rare but it does happen. In both cases there were plenty of warning signs, similar to op’s.

id just save yourself a few years of torture, and agree to separate now.

Show quote history

Hi, have you read the thread through?

The OP's partner has actually been unfaithful so on this instance it is like so many others & unlike the ones you are mentioning.

sameshizz · 12/05/2025 10:54

How are things @Swils1009?

Lostinmyself · 13/05/2025 00:16

Just came across ur post. I hope ur ok ❤️

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